My lips were still parted

as I walked heavy hearted
dragging my feet
like darkness,
across a dimly lit street.

I stopped 4 times.

Four times
between the security gates
and the bed
your scent still slept in.

1
You turned to walk away.
I couldn't breathe,
like my lungs had learned
your leaving.

I begged you to turn around,
in whispers,
through heaving.

I wondered if they had run me through
the x ray machine,

the way they did the rest of your baggage,

would they have been able to see it break me.

The rungs of my ribs
collapsing
under each step we took apart.

my heart sinking in my chest,
like treasure.

My hands clenched around each other
if not out of loneliness,
than in prayer
for you,
for yours.

(Walk)

2
I didn't know where I was going
at first,
I thought my moving, madness.
See?
You wouldn't really go.


I didn't make it to the elevator.

Nothing about me in that moment,
could fit into a box
I couldn't be brought down any further
I couldn't watch the doors close
on the only forever I ever had.

Too much symbolism will get to you like that.

The way I see you in
clocks and calendars,
still clinging to a countdown
your watch would stop short of.

I can still hear mine tick.

The way I smell you in
cocoa butter and ocean mist,
our love belonged on a beach
but swam too far from shore.

The way I taste you in
red wine and cigarettes,
I was drunk on your stare,
But you know those things will **** you.

The way I feel you in
poetry and panic,
praying into my palms
until my body felt holy.

Sometimes I write to your God.

(Take the stairs)

3
I'm outside.
The air is lit like a cigarette.
My body,
frayed
like a fuse.

Im bursting at the seems
of a skin that has never quite fit me.
Pounding on the doors of a mind
who can't remember
why?

I recalled every moment
you held forever in your eyelids,
then blinked.
When suddenly it hit me,
what if this time you really meant
goodbye?

I was trapped in wide open space.
Like the ones between my fingers.
like the one growing in my stomach,
like the one on the other side of the bed.

I guess I should have mentioned,
It would **** me if you left.

(walk)

4
I didn't leave a note this time.

But I promise
I had a million words to say to you,

I typed them up,
I wrote them down.
Watching each one
rise at my fingertips
and fall at your feet.

The way I did.

You spoke like family.
You felt like the pages
of my favorite book
when I ran my fingers up your spine.

I kept every note I wrote,
this time.

I couldn't hide another word
in the soft folds of your suitcase.

Secrets never travel well.

(Shhh)

I touched the door you'd touched before me.

Empty rooms are like a boxing ring,
My back was against the ropes
while my eyes fell to the drapes
tracking take-offs like ticket sales.

We packed the house.
Our home.

As time huffed and puffed
and blew the whole thing
down.

I stopped four times.

Each time I'd turn back
but when I started,
I'd remember the last time you left
while I watched, heavy hearted.
My lips were still parted.

Our lips were still parted.

Your whisper sounds like
squealing tires
and tastes like motor oil

By the way.

My tongue is thick
with goodbyes

But that day,

You spoke like strangers.

The kind you find familiar
when they hold up signs
and out hands

while their eyes lie low
Building castles on the sidewalk,

Sand castles.
Waiting for the tide of feet,
too eager to mind the monarchy.

But take a quarter for your troubles.
"And track marks"

They think I'm thinking.

But I was busy wondering
If their god smelled
like burnt rubber.

And the last drop of cologne
In the bottle they nursed from.

I wondered if their god
could dance
with two left feet between fate
and fantasy.

And if there are ash trays in heaven.

I walk through their kingdom
like eggshells,

While you watched

Praying for an omelette.

I remember it being cold that night.

It was the first time I had walked away
and worried I was leaving something.

It wasn't the kind of cold that
cut
and made itself at home in your bones.

It wasn't even the kind of cold
That strained every breath to feel like your last.

But I could feel the wind biting at and hanging from my ears
while it whispered.

But my mind was moving too fast to make memories,
It seems to never have the time anymore.
But it saves pictures
like polaroids.

Fast flashes of things passed
like whiplashes and mass stashes
of three picture days
of everything
and you.

Flash:
Legs around mine, light jeans, fluorescent lighting.
My heartbeat heats at the thought of it.
My back feels numb.

Flash:
Your smile in my headband, *******'re beautiful.
I think you threw your head back and laughed.
My arm tingles where you touched it.

Flash:
The sky was slate. Your eyes were asking me their first question.
I wished I had chalk.
But you already knew the answer.

I try to tell you now what you already were then,
But there aren't enough words in the world to tell you.

To tell you that your eyes looked like lifesavers.

To tell you that if I could,
I would develop my dreams at the nearest hour
drop shop and lay each frame out
like a quilt
and a collage.

(Because my mind is full
of a kind of mess that is never less
than warming.)

I would tell you that I hold your words under my tongue
To make sure they're always delivered warm.

And that if I leave them in there long enough
the fire starts.
My words melt into mercury
like ice in boiling water.

And I tell myself,
That if anyone really knew the heat,
They would stay the hell out of the kitchen.

But I made you something.

Forgetting is…

Forgetting is being told you've had two birthdays, for the fourth time,

Talk about a surprise party.

Forgetting is calling a number that has been disconnected for nearly three years and still expecting an answer.

Can I leave a message?

Forgetting is family portraits with a stranger in each one whom you cannot help but miss.

They say you have his smile.

Forgetting is not being able to close your eyes for longer than 8 seconds without thinking yourself 800 miles away.

How did I get here?

Forgetting is waking up from nightmares 7 times a night,

Right into another one.

Forgetting is the feeling of walking into a room and not remembering what you came for,

All the time.

Forgetting is wondering why the words "I love you" sit perched on your lips ready to take off,

When they have nowhere to land.

Forgetting is coming to in a room you don't recognize and slowly realizing that it's yours.

Welcome home.


Trying to remember is...  

Trying to remember is running face first into a brick wall that you used to know was there,

Didn't you?

Trying to remember is riding a bike up a hill without any pedals.

Remember that time?

Trying to remember is being waterboarded in a bucket of question marks and memory fragments.

How do you feel?

Trying to remember is looking back at what you had written only moments before and being convinced that someone is in your house

And they have your handwriting.

Who's there?

Remembering is…

Something I've forgotten.

I want to know you (now).
On this day,
At this time.

(I want to
Know you).

Now
I want to show you how
gentle hands can feel
around a face they find so beautiful,
They question if it's real.

I want to show you how
Your smile is worth its weight in miles
of the world's most gorgeous words
laid across the earth like tiles.

So that if you should ever doubt
the words you've read,
you could trace each, like crumbs of bread
Until it led you back to what feels now to be
the world's most empty bed.

I want to know you now.

I want to feel your heart;
beat
kicking like a bass drum,
before anyone tries to rough it up
like the small kid on the playground
caught day dreaming under a gloomy sky,
picking out the biggest cloud,
and begging it to cry.

I want to know you now
Before "leaving" sounds like "LOVE" to you.

I want that word to hum to you,

Risk its vowels to come to you,

Let you know that all it ever wants
is one to run to you.

(I want to know you)

Now,
I want to show you how
gentle hands can feel
when they whisper words into your skin,
so soft,
you wonder if it's real.

While I was growing up
The world was growing down.
I am so sorry that we left it for you,
in pieces.

See the world can be one giant
bipartisan madhouse of land
versus water.
Land that I would walk a million miles of
to make you smile.
Water that will know better than to hurt you,
Because if it does, I will hop scotch every star in the sky
until I can grab hold of the sun to get it close enough to every ocean
to dry every tear
you've ever cried
Until it is raining backwards
Hitting stars like bullseyes.

And on the barren world below,
long distance lovers will run ear to ear across the face of the earth
Into each other.
Please remember that.

Remember too, that the world can be a crazy place
But it beats like a billion broken hearts,
hurt but doing
It breathes like a dusty record player,
on repeat
It smiles in every spot the sun shines,
Always knowing
That there is light around every corner
of the sunrise.

I don't know what you'll know then.
Science is forever poking around in dream filled attics
Hoping to sweep out every last myth and story.
Hold on to the mysteries.
Like you will your first set of keys.

Keep them in the basement,
pass your dreams down
like heirlooms.
Hang your thoughts on a golden chain and give it to your daughter,
Put your hopes into an album,
Drip your wishes into wax and light a candle,
Put your soul inside the cookie jar,
And when you give words don't throw, but hand them.

If you find ears that love your voice
The way you love sunlight
and snowfall,
Get close enough to whisper
And let them hear you.
Even if your heart has a voice
That always sounds like goodbye.

That's just our echo.

I know that we left you a world in pieces.
But theres a light in you that is so blinding,
That as you grow up,
The world will have no choice but to follow.
You have magic in your fingertips,
You have passion in your pores,
And you will always be
everything.

You had me.
Wrapped around your finger
Like a yo-yo
Hanging and spinning
Desperate to unwind
At your feet.

You let go.
Broken hearts like promises

And silence.

You always did.
Too impatient to undo the knots
That you had tied
Just shy of my chin.
Loose enough to make it slow
But tight enough
to let you win.