you said the way
i say your name
makes you want to try harder.
so i called your name
to make you stay
and you strayed a little farther

Will you still love me
when my body is too weak to carry itself?
When the creases of my skin are the only thing I can see in the mirror?
Will you still love me
when my hips are too stiff to carry the rest of my aching body?
And as you roll me down the street, because I cannot walk it myself?
Will you still love me
when I lay in bed for days at a time because I am too fragile to get up?
Will you still love me
when the knowledge that my heart can stop in a moments notice
sits on your mind like a permanent pebble in your shoe?
Will you still love me?
Because I'll still love you.

How the **** do I explain
That every single thing in my life
Revolves around her being here.
If she leaves, I’m ******.
If she stays, I’m ******.
How do you cope
When she loves you back
But won’t do a single ******* thing to prove it.
How do you cope
When she says she doesn’t want a life with you.
How do you cope
When you don’t think
You’ll ever be able to love anyone the way
You love her.
Since you were 13 years old,
It has always been her.
It will always be her.
How do you cope
When to her, it won’t always be you.

With the sound of shuffling leaves
I gaze at the moon
With you on my mind
And I will you to glance up, too,
And I wonder if you will.
I wonder if we’ll ever find ourselves
Gazing up to the sky
Miles apart
And so connected
With the blue light
That shines in our eyes
As the strings to our hearts
Strengthen again.
Love me until the end
As I will love you.

The plastic mat that my mother placed on the bottom of the bathtub
To keep my brother and I from slipping in the shower
Prints circular patterns into my shins as I force up the first
Home cooked meal she’s made in months.
The music plays at full volume and the vent hums its disheartening song,
Drowning out the retching sounds coming from my lungs, and I start to shiver beneath
The river of steaming water drumming against my back.
Water is infinitely more comforting than any human touch has ever been.
The heat on my back sends goosebumps down my arms and I think about
How it would feel to be held by something other than
Warm water and moonlight.
Am I so damaged that the only sensations I would feel are
My heart in my throat and a tsunami of fear that would rush over me
Like the water washes over my back?
I sit in the bottom of the tub staring into my ***** as it stares up at me.
The pattering of the water hitting my flesh whispers softly
You are not enough.
You will never
Be enough.
I rest my head against the chilling tiles of the wall
And the words soak into my skin before I can think to wash them away.

Apparently my “no”
Was not as strong as your
“I want to”.
Why can you push
And push
And push
Yourself onto me
But if I try to
Kiss you gently on the neck
You tell me you’re
“Not in the mood”
And push me away
When I gently stroke your cheek.
So why are you allowed to say
You don’t want to
And force me away,
But when I try to
Tell you no- because
Having you inside of me
Feels like knives
On the inside-
You tell me
“It will be quick”
And
“I’ll try not to hurt you”
And that is the end
Of that conversation.