i used to call these four walls home,
until you came along and made me feel again
there was a missing piece that left the puzzle incomplete
you dropped by and the mystery was solved
we wrote our names on a piece of paper
and tied it up around the rocket
so it would take us to orion's belt,
in hopes they would keep us together forever
but we both knew it all too well
that hope, is merely nothing more
than a thing that keeps mankind going
though while we still can feel the spark igniting,
i think its the only thing that matters
*for now

maybe there's no such thing as recovery,
maybe it was just a period of sanity

no, no no no stop
stop it right there
take back what you just said
swallow it back down your throat
**** it into your stomach
don't let it get into my head
don't make me believe that
you miss me as much as i miss you
you like me as much as i like you
don't say it, just for the sake of
saying it back..

some birds found their family out of their own nest
some birds stick together, other birds flew alone

those words she screamed at me
they all felt like being struck by the lightning
my wings broke every time and i had to fix it myself
but next time i remind me to make myself a better wings
so i could find my family out of my own nest

"is it appropriate to weigh 154 pound?
would it offend anyone if i were to wear high-waisted shorts despite my gigantic thighs?
is it okay if i wore clothes and people can still see my fats rolling out?
would anyone make fun of me?"*

the sad thing is we think about how others see us first
rather than what is best for us
when we buy clothes, we think of how others would see us in it
and not based on whether or not it makes us feel happy
due to the great success glamorization of what its called 'thigh gap',
many begin to think whether not having one is wrong

i just wish something changed the world
and we're all back to one square
where personality comes first
***** the ones with ugly hearts
shower the pretty hearts with more love instead

and maybe, somehow, somewhat,
the world would be a little happier

1) you
2) everything else

similarly, only the minds of extreme curiosity
would want to explore the abandoned rusty and insane heart

i feel like a flower
you don't bother to water it anymore
because you believe everything always comes to an end
and there is no point trying to keep me close to you

and the saddest truth that nobody dares to face
is the fact that we all caused the damages in those minds

dumbfoundedly, i agreed
to play a game that involved
risking the life of my heart
and my beliefs in fairytales

guess i should have known better
than to play with the creator
for someone who had
never played the game before

but i can't back out now
because he took my heart
before i even know it
and now ive got to take it back
without falling down
and hurt my knee

that you have to be the one
i think of on dark nights
i feel awfully lonely
but not once
when i am not solitary human

i fell off a tower and it hurts and it made me bleed
he helped me up and apologized for letting me fall
and even for that, i fell again
this time from the highest cliff

jesus christ, your eyes

the voice inside my head
won't stop bleeding for you

.





















there's no us to begin with

please don't leave me
with emptiness
please say something
its the least you could do
no, don't make me cry
you are not capable of this
i love you so dearly
tell me that you do too

you told me things
that made my heart dancing nimbly
and you stopped without a warning
that she became faulty

even if he plants flowers in her
mine will forbid the change

i have a mind of ****
it is only a matter of time

till it kills every beauty
the world has left

it said family
it is a word
with a hidden meaning
and i am trying to uncover
the hidden meaning
all alone

i tried to run for my life from it
like it was a monster coming after my soul
i cried blood because i could feel his whisper
but it was only sorrow
it was sorrow
its not going to end my life
so why am i so terrified of its presence?

and i am hoping that i cross your mind
often enough for you to pick your phone up
and text me, *'hi, what's up?'

i didn't just fall in love with you
i fell in love with your mind
and how it makes flowers bloom
in the darkest part of me

1) i miss you so terribly why won't you talk to me
2) do you love me? you said you do, where the **** are you
3) for *****' sake come back to me
4) don't leave me, please please don't leave me
5) i love you
6) i'm so ******* sorry i didn't know what i was doing
7) i still love you
8) sorry again
9) you hurt me
10) i ******* love you, you sick *******

you said i was the garden
in your dark mind

(you said you were sorry)

you said losing me was a fear
you can never overcome

(you said you were sorry)

you said you didn't want to hurt me

(you said you were sorry)

you said being with you will hurt me

(you said you were sorry)

you said i deserved someone better

(you said you were sorry)

i don't know where this poem is going
you are a part of my daily thoughts now
and we barely have the time to talk
again

so i am trying my hardest
to remind myself of the things you told me
so i won't get hurt from the fact
you seem to be distancing yourself
away from me

its horrifying how the simplest thing,
the tiniest thing could burn the sanity
in your body like a home being set on fire

from time to time
i tell myself things happen for a reason
i may not know it now
i will know it eventually
but my body never learnt to absorb that theory
because my body has allow
the disaster i have created
eat me up alive
and i reach out for a hand
to lead me out of here
but no one can hear me

you taste like the first inhalant of a cigaratte
and i have always hated the last bit of it

he met her at the home for the ill
asked her why did she do what she did
she got her perplexing smirk
across her pale skin face
tilting her head right and left
as though her king was whispering
the answer into her ears

if they tell you
to be your own source
of happiness
thus, you should not
rely on others to pain you
as well

and i want it to keep coming for me
and consume me into the darkness
let the living in my head
paralyze my soul

my thoughts ink down
things about you
when my mind plays
the memory of you
and it fires my bones
every time

when they told me not to smoke
for it will shorten my life
i merely laughed at them
for they thought i was so stupid
to do such thing
"who even wants to die early?"
three years later
i find myself
saying "i do."

the second thing
i can think of that is so useless
in this world
is educating kids
about how the world is spherical
but not why

why i still have people who claim they love me stand by me is because they still have not seen the other side of me i never planned on showing, ever

i'd use my last breath just to accuse you of murdering me

nothing stays
nothing stays the same
nothing stays

and i can assure you that it is going to be so cliche you're going to hate it

when our hands touched,
i could feel a tiny part of my soul dancing for the first time
that's impossible but i swear to god i felt it
when jokes were told, i didn't want to laugh
i didn't want to missed it; looking at you laugh
because for god's sake, you are one beautiful creature

to feel your presence around me while we walked together made me feel less lonely
and i liked your smell that kept lingering on my nose

and i am trying to find ways
to ****** these emotions
for god,
you have no clue what
it is capable of
when it makes me feel attracted to a person

you knew that so why did you let go?

i was afraid of letting people know
the existence of the darkness inside me
and then an old man said,
"why should you? when it is what makes you a whole?"

i beg you my king
cease this torment you cast upon me
i do not mind of the pain i feel
from the blood flowing from my skin
from the loud screaming coming from a mother
from a broken heart
but please do not torment me
with my own disturbed mind
for king, i have no control
over that pain at all
and its driving me insane

you have a man
they called it the man of the house
then you have the woman
they named it the housewife
they have kids
two girls and a boy
the boy was older
but people barely see him at home
now that he turned 23
the first girl has issues
always get into trouble
gets more of the attention
of the man and the woman
and then comes the second girl
she has a disturbing mind
everybody thinks she is faking it
when she mention of it
including the man and the woman
because she looks perfectly fine
maybe that's why she was chosen
to play the main character
in her school play
her acting was so convincing

mummy daddy im ill
why wont you send me to the hospital
and let me get the help i need

my eyes are bleeding and i can't find my way home
nothing feels right anymore
i'm not letting them in, i'm not letting them go

i'm following this path that i have no idea where it's leading me to
and what terrifies me is that i'm letting them
to decide what i want and who i am turning into

go go go
don't stay with me
if i ever begged you to
leave me before i destroy you

you don't understand
what you do, even the slightest
kills me to death and i don't understand either

i'm so weak
i'm so fragile
i'm so sensitive
and with just a slight poke with a needle
i'll detonate and let darkness take over me

i can't cope and neither can you
you are kind you are lovely
and i bring no good to you
so leave even if i beg you to stay

they said to let it go
keep wander as the clock ticks
i will know who i am when it’s time to
but it’s been a while now and i am completely lost in the dark
trapped in my own soul with the absence of light
i said i wanted to die every ******* day
but even lord knows i fear death
for i have made sins more than i could ever count
and it has only been the fifteenth year

dimmed lights hidden under the fake petals
fans spinning like a tornado when it's only one
joy division on the speaker and all i can write next is
your name

its only a matter of time
until i destroy the monster inside of me
so keep on treating me like this
and i'll be sure to leave a note
with my ******* blood on it
about how you were the one
who pulled the trigger on me
have it framed all around the world
and then i'll save the original copy for you
so you're going to have that ****** little note
eat you up alive for every breath you inhale

i can not make my mind to think
of what else to write to express this darkness
but to think of the darkness itself

like autumn leaves in october, i fell for you

i fell for you on our first date in april
it was so special, it was nothing more but
laughs and smiles and joy

i fell for you in may when you wished me a happy birthday
with a bouquet of daisies and brought me out for a picnic

i fell for you in june when your aunt june told me
how pants always confused you when you were nine
because there was always two holes and you only have one head

i fell for you in july when i surprised you with 17 reasons
why i love you on your 17th birthday and you kissed my forehead

i fell for you in august when we both went to a carnival
and i found out you were afraid of heights but braved yourself
to take the ride with me for you knew i did too

i fell for you on september, when you told me you had a dream
of losing me and you were so afraid your eyes were bleeding water
and you hugged me so tight

i fell for you in october when i couldn't handle the pain anymore
and turn to it to ease the pain and you came, mending my arms
and said to kiss you to ease the pain next time

i fell for you in november when we bought each other a mismatch christmas sweater for we had promised what to get for one another

i fell for you in december when you didn't answer my calls
and said you were busy at twelve in the morning

i fell for you in january when we didn't see each other for the whole month

i fell for you in february when the boys got the girls a bouquet of flowers
and you got me tears at the back of my eyes because you got a girl a flower too and it wasn't me

*(and in march, when it all ended,
i still fall for you all over again)

is it weird to want to stay bad?
and not being saved from my own ocean of depression

is it bad to not look for God?
because you think you're a sinner and you're ashamed?

am i a terrible living creature?
who says otherwise, doesn't truly knows me
for i am a terrible living creature
that deserves nothing more than suffocation and anguish

for every time i try to atone,
for every time i try to convalesce,
it all comes back down to where i last found myself
deep under my own ocean of depression

nobody tried to save me
for they thought it was a phase

they did not believe that i was ill
for i looked dead okay
but were the signs not clear enough?

no hand to hold
no voice to love
i am nowhere to be found

i am lost in my mind
lost in the tangled strings
lost in every possible way
and i can't seem to find myself
i don't know who i am or where

i don't know what i am writing
or if this can even be clarified as a sad poem
i don't know why i am crying
i don't know
i don't

help me figure this out
i swear to god i am lost
i can't find my way out
it's too dark in here
black blank
help me

sad songs are playing
rain is falling
on a sunday morning
and i'm crying like hell
this isn't right
this isn't it