If I share with you what was going on for me,
Hope, the thing with feathers,
springs up in my chest
I know there is no room for it
despair is my alternate companion

Both are always present and vying for attention,
they both want to be fed

I am doing the work within myself to soothe the spaces
where each companion wants to land
to take space where it doesn’t fit

I cannot let hope touch down and root
So it rockets around in my fear
causing collateral physical damage
as I try to eradicate it with logic and self cruelty

I cannot let despair sink into my soul
So it is ever present in the air around me,
condensing with thoughts that drip
from the ceiling and leave stalactites,
sharp and threatening to fall and pierce

I find myself flooded, panting like I’m in labor
Birthing the tears and blood and anguish of loss
Trying to find air that doesn’t feel like it’s suffocating

Every breath feels like I’ve missed a step
And that hitch catches in my chest
The rest between the in-breath and the out stretches on
And lifetimes long I can see the futures
we could be dancing and breathing in together

The way my heart keeps beating is traitorous,
To burn and cut and shatter with each pulse
and yet keep beating for the next one
I exhale the air leaves my body in a weak stream
and a strangled whimper