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 Dec 2014 Courtney
Tay
Hey you,
Yes you!
Sad? Depressed? Suicidal?

Stop scrolling down.

Just listen to what I have to say to you.

You sit in your room hating yourself.
You believe no one understands you and no one ever will.
You take out the blade and add one more scarlet line to your collecting.
You think you're just a worthless space in life and wish you could just end it.

Just stop and think for a minute.
Imagine if you did.

Imagine your mom and dad walking into your room.
You lay in a pool of your own blood on your floor
Staining the white carpet.
Your mother shrieks and runs to your side, bawling.
Your father yells your name, hoping you'll just wake up.
But you don't.
You're precious heart has ceased to beat.
Your younger sister runs into your room wondering what all the commotion is about.
She explodes into tears and runs to her room and hides under her covers.
Your parents yell to her, but they don't want to leave you.
They call 911 hoping they can still save you,
But when the ambulance arrives, they say,
"It's too late."

News about your death spreads fast.
Your family shatters and your community crumbles.
Your best friend doesn't go to school anymore.
She's too busy crying beside your headstone.
Your ex blames himself for breaking up with you
And making you think the separation was your fault.
The boy who secretly loved you cries himself to sleep every night.
The bullies are silent now.
They get an awful stab in their chest.
They know they caused this.
Your principal blames himself.
He thinks that if he would have stopped the bullies,
You'd still be here.
But everyone knows you're gone.

Your little sister is haunted by the
Image of your dead body in your mother's arms.
You were her best friend.
She's so alone without you.
She starts cutting her own skin and starves herself.
She's only 13 and is lost without you.

Your little brother, who was in preschool when you died,
Is always asking,
"Where's *****?"
Your parents don't have the heart to tell him
You're gone. And never coming back.
They just cry.
Your little brother is only 4. He'll never know who his sister is.

As for your parents,
They're shaken by your loss.
They don't go out with friends anymore.
They don't eat the food your sympathetic neighbors brought over.
Oh, and their jobs? They're too busy staring into the abyss they see in plain white walls.
The bills start piling up and they're losing your little sister.

The world is so silent from your death.
The stars aren't as beautiful as they used to be.
The sun doesn't smile.
The moon offers no escape from the black of night.
Not even roses- your favorite flowers- smell good anymore.

Sometimes, everyone closes their eyes,
And imagines that you're still with them.
But when they open their eyes,
They just walk back into the same
Lifeless
Colorless
Meaningless
Life without you.

Do you still want to make those ever lasting scars on your body?
Do you still want to ruin your flesh with burns?
Do you still want to end your life?

Please don't.
You are loved. You are wanted. And you are so special.
Don't do this to your loved ones. **They need you.
 Dec 2014 Courtney
berry
wide awake
 Dec 2014 Courtney
berry
i wonder if the doors in the house you grew up in
started slamming themselves to save your father the trouble.
i wonder if you can remember the last time you prayed,
and if you had trouble unfolding your hands.
i wonder if your mother knows
about the collection of hearts you hide in your closet,
i wonder if she could tell mine apart from the rest.
i wonder if your shoes know the reason why
you keep them by the back door and not your bedside.
and sometimes, i wonder
if you ever think about that night when i told you,
you wouldn't need to drink so much if you had me.
but it seems like we only speak when you've got body on your brain,
whiskey in your glass,
your judgement is overcast,
and you know i'm too weak to ignore you.
i learned how to translate your texts
from drunken mess back into english.
i am fluent in apology, but i don't ask you for them anymore.
this is just how it is.
it's not enough for either of us
but ******* it we are not above settling.
so i will ignore her name on your breath,
and you will ignore the fact that this means something to me.
i always thought the first time i kissed you,
it would be on your mouth.
i just wanted to be something warm for you to sink into,
something that could convince you to stay a second night.
but i sneak you out in the early morning,
and you take a piece of my pride with you when you go.
i am left to nurse the hangover from a wine i've never tasted,
wondering how this is possible.
waiting for the next drunk call,
for the next time i get to pretend we are lovers,
the next time i get to live out the fantasy i am most ashamed of.
it is the one in my head where you want me when you're sober too.

- m.f.
 Dec 2014 Courtney
LittleFreeBird
some days they are sad. sad about the weather, sad about the thing that happened last night, sad about losing their favorite book, sad about their coffee being cold, sad about the fact that they can't find matching socks. lots of things make them sad, lots of nothings make them sad too. you see, when you have a predisposition for being sad, every little thing counts.  so when you ask her why she is sad and she cannot answer, do not press further. do not go looking for a reason that just isn't there. when you ask what you can do and she says nothing, do not be hurt. do not feel useless. when she wakes in the middle of the night and she is silent, but you can feel the bed shaking as she cries, do not assume you know what she is feeling. you don't. hold her if she wants it, don't touch her if she doesn't. if you ask her if she wants you to stay and she says yes, do. but if she tells you to walk away, do not listen. stay with her, because if you don't, she might not be there in the morning .
 Dec 2014 Courtney
Chloe
He gave me an entire solar system
when all I asked for was a star.

All he gave me was a star
when I needed an entire solar system.
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