Muddy Muddy Monday

Cold air
Cold glare
Lurking on a window that shields our felt insecurity
Summertime we all come to
We all come together then unravel apart
I am a man for a short bit then I quit
And retire
Retire to regimented round the clock lonesome longing of money and a schedule, scheduled schooling of sorrow
Growing up I,
I'm utterly useless
I’m painfully plain
This become the real repetition
The depiction and depression in the U.S. Of A
It's simple
And simply it's dull and sad it's melancholy at its finest
And this carnivorous cancer grows calculatedly sneaking steadily and processing with prowess
And Lexus lingers after Lexus near our neighborhood of suburban sadness,
Sorrowful slumps stuck in sand
Succumbing to ******* the life out of myself muddling through murky days
And this depressive digression into normal no-thing-ness that does not know nothing
But private school privilege pressuring me till I press my heart and it pops
Mundane money Monday murdering my mind mother and might
Monday each day
Becoming Monday
My mothering Monday
My absent adolescence

Oh if I knew then
All That I claim as sin
How would I do a second time?
Would this try be fine?
Nay life is not a mere line
Of irreversibility
Yea life is but a river
Of a fluid givers love
That Steadily flows under
the songs of a Merry dove
As whitecaps wash and passive waves whither
So must all beings tither
to the coming peak
Of life's mysterious creek
And nearing the drop of life
With whitecaps, wind, and sanctity
I'll tell you now all that I know:
Though I know now
that knowing then
Was nearly preposterous, death screams dearly of life's relativity

Dejected and doleful I'm alive I'm a man, as you Carry me in your cradle
pour me out with your ladle into chicken noodle soup
Another time around and we've both had enough  
But you dangle me more and I'm small
And although I Don't know what it means at all
it truly is all all
And it truly is mine
it's what I want it's and its what I need
So I do guess This is life
And survive
I know today and that's ok, new today
Hanging on with a trying grip
Little baby boy In his tiny careless nest
Nothing less
the rest Of your little baby boys And your little business men and your combed haired combed mind
In the soup of consumer culpability
and commercial tranquility
And I cannot wake from this happy soothing nightmare of more money and more mine more mine
But alas I awake and I do arise into peripheral plausibility of the nightmare that's mine the nightmare that's mine

Inside my room my mind inside is telling me to be terrified, sad, hopeless altogether, albeit I don’t know why
Maybe it’s the monster under my bed
And maybe it’s the ghost trapped inside
And maybe the utterly scarifying unknown
Isn’t a monster or an imagined image of iridescent horror
I know inside that my unknown terror is a lonesome life of lifelessness without love
And the lying light stares at me under the crack of my door and softly screams at me
Telling me to be a man
To be a missing-out mixture of money and melancholy that makes me lonely, that returns me back to the place of unknown fear that I now know is loneliness
Loneliness from you and you and you and me and love

Oh they remark of the good old times
Times without a time
No lines to be lies
No lies to be mine
No mine that isn't yours
No yours that isn't mine
No you but us
No I but we
No friend that doesn't love we endlessly
No joke without a laugh
No laugh without a smile
No smile without a fervent flame
It tells you nothing will be the same
And Nobody saying no
To careless so and so
Yes to possibilities
Yes to tranquilities
Yes to good old times
Yes to good old cries
Without the nostalgic crime
Of the good old times

Livin a life that ain't mine, that's  my lie most the time
Being a man that ain't me, that's what I'm doing most the time
Singin a song that ain't mine, that's what I'm doing all the time
Not knowing why I'm livin, not caring that I'm dying
Wondering who I am
Questioning who you are
Misunderstanding who anybody is, what anybody truly does
Questions mostly mistakenly ****** my inside world and my outside mind
My meticulously misunderstanding mind moves me towards
misconstruing most everything
As I melancholically masturabte the carelessness of human existence  
Until I'm as mindless you
Until I'm as mindless as us

Rhythmically swimming into the deep abyss of this weird world
Our weird world
Their lies a nebulous of unknown creativity
Invisibly bloodying sadly shallow water
And until I drown
In the shallow salty water
I cannot drown the things that make me frown
Albeit problems I have, mistakes I've made, grievances I've kept
I'll never truly know
The life I could live
Insecurity is my disease
Insecurity is my cure
Sanctifying malignance molds me
Makes me madly married to anxious uncertainty
And what ever happened to simplicity?
What ever happened to the world I haven’t known?
Waking up to witness a white-washed will and
Waking up and wishing I could swim back in time
To the salt of the water
To the shallow of the brim
To the  world of untapped love

Into
I'm in too deep
deathly dying disaster comes calming, a kind creature
As she takes me by the hand and gently guide me inside
Inside of her and her heart and inside is me and a coffin awaiting
as I cry out a plea
A plea to pause and pull back to the past's plays
When I craved the coffin and its cold carelessness
But calmly she commands that I climb inside... And close myself, unplug my mind and die
She tells me to leave life's hollow hole of self pitying piety
And give away my will to serene silence
The hollow hole is all I've ever known, I cry
But she takes me back to a time when I tried

So much my longing whines
And too much your blithe denies
How can I blame the weeping worm? That wiggles round my mind.
How can I blame the weeping worm that makes my will whine?
My insecure worm of wonder only wanders round.
To found the freedom love lifts around my lust-filled frown
So No, I say to insecure and sadness all around
Down the hidden hole of hunger hanging is my town
Down in that town I play a song while lying on the ground
Doze off to happy nothingness, I'm around
And finally Goodbye I say to frown frown frown.

A week's respite is quickly guilted by the call of institution,
resounding inside our ears, harangued to not be...

beguiled we sigh with inadequate sorrow
tricked into self-degradation, Then finally, we're back
Alas!
inside cozied up, yes man! Writing down enumerated tasked
unraveling us back to the scorn that earlier was reversed
Under a rough stack of paper
And an ever-beating heart
Under a disillusioned smile
And a blanket of anxiety
That's been pervaded by Ritalin
signed by the future I call myself to...
Smile!
sigh
relief
comfortably numb
Thank you sir
may I have another?

I saw the faces of horror,
despair
Casting themselves away
Chained to the narrow hallway
Cut and pasted the picture which had copied jimmy's copy
To my left was more of the same,
less malice
Equally unsure, in a frame
Straight ahead illuminated gravel, unencumbered
Wind and snow, sun and flowers
A couple of steps, I turned backwards, Afraid I'd see the same every step along the way

Not enough time to get down to it
Stuck in goo
Gooey
Got to do that
got to do this
No ***** to quit
Drained from days of doing
Doing what they say seems fit
Doing to do
dumbing down death
Caught up in causes
Immersed in effects
Can't stop the fear
can't seem to listen
Paradoxical at best
shouts of praise, detest, and jest
Always given praise to the ones who know themselves the best
Without fear Or Impurity
You may call them lazy but they do and they do not
and its all in respect
But it doesn't change
The ****** cry
Ive had all of this time
Never known the way the world go
Never known why I don't go
Never known where I can go