I want to die.

There. I said it.
I wrestle with every waking moment
wondering if I will finally pull the trigger.

It berates me emotionally.
The friendships I've lost
the lovers I couldn't please,
have all felt this inner turmoil of mine.

It's so close to brimming to the surface.
All the while I am consumed by searching for a
glimmer of hope,
the so called 'silver lining'
Or  the will to push on.

But somehow I do.
I'm nowhere even remotely close to feeling sane
Or safe enough to hold a knife without testing
how sharp it is by gliding it along my scars first.

There is light..
But everywhere I turn..

It deserts me

How do you handle the loss of someone you barely met?

They come bursting into your life and you just run with it. All the while thinking everything is going to be shone to you in a new light.

At first you’re hesitant, skeptical even. As soon as you let your guard down is when it happens.

They disappear into the wind as fast as they came in.

Leaving you bewildered. Confused. Hurt. But above all..



Vulnerable

Here we are again
Staring at the same blank walls.

The cracks you left are still there
Everyone of them is a memory.

I’m fixated by the mess you left behind
It surges through me. Inviting me to join in the terror.

But I must resist.
You were horrible and have become worthless in my eyes.
Your only purpose to me was to cause a conflict.
Never a resolution.

Only hatred.

I forgave you for the person that you became.
I moved on from you and your poisonous personality.

And yet, here I am.
Constantly reminded of the wreckage that you left behind.
Never to be fixed again. All I’m able to do is patch up the holes you created.
I’m not perfect and I refused to be shaped into what you wanted me to be.

I will never understand why torture was your favorite pastime.

...I won’t miss you

I stay awake into the wee hours of night
Trying to find an aid to my plight.

Holding the blade to my throat
My eyes keep scanning over the letter I wrote.

The words become blurry the harder I press
Believing that this is the only escape, as I am, a man in distress.

They say I’m not well,
That in this realm of sorrow and shadows I must not dwell.

They are wrong.

The darkness is where I thrive
It feeds me, empowers me, keeps my spirit alive

This has become my life
Living from strife to strife

This has to stop.


Tonight.