THATS THE POINT
OF ME being cute
giggly
little
tiny
happy and adorable
FOR THAT REASON
THATS THE POIINT
THATS WHY
SO YOU CAN HAVE THAT SAME SMILE
THAT same fulfillment
that same satisfaction
IM HERE
I DO THAT TOO
I DO IT ALL TOO
IM HERE TOO
I DO IT TOO
WE DO THE SAME THING
I EXIST BRO

Things always get so tainted for me
always get so ruined
why can’t I have my own
why do i have to share

Life is so beautiful
the world is gorgeous
I don’t want to hide from it but
I want to be comfortable
I want to lay in the grass
in the spot where the sun hits
the grass grows and folds around my body
the soil softens allowing my body to come inside
the earth, the grass brings me down
into itself, and it strips away all my bad
all my pain

and when the earth gently births me again
I’m born into someone lovable
someone who is worth it
someone who can be handled
someone who is deserving

I feel selfish for feeling this right now
ungrateful even

I wanted to yell at him
I’m destroying myself please
stop me, please, stop me so I can love myself
please, you can stop me, I won’t destroy myself to pieces, I’ll do all the work just please
stop me

what happened to making sure I was fed
what happened to making sure I had structure
why was it all talk
what happened to making sure I was protected
what happened to making sure I was healthy
what happened to that!

what happened to protecting me from me
what happened to giving me routine and
structure and helping me explore and grow and

I need a push I need a green light sometimes
okay I need it sometimes
sometimes people just need someone else
and that’s just me okay

I’m not ungrateful okay

And that’s when I felt so selfish

He said to take control of my life
and I chose to let it slip away

but how did I?
I want a life I want to live
how did I choose to let it leave me?

I felt selfish because
I wanted him to hold my hand
to stroke my hair and point in that direction
I wanted him to, for the first ten years of my life, hold my hand and teach me and show me

All I want to do is to have it too
I want it too
Give it to me too like you said
Or am I just blind to it?
Am I getting it but can’t see it?

Why do they leave it up to me?
I need someone to keep teaching me, please
How do you leave it up to me?

When he left my arms I felt empty
I didn’t feel whole anymore
I felt incomplete
I felt saddened to be alone again
with my emotions
with my thoughts
Saddened to be by myself—
What would I do to myself?
What could I do with myself?

Scared he’d might leave me
scared he’d might think I’m ruining him
scared he’d think the scary things
the things that scare me
the things that I run from

unfortunately

they are not my priority

I'm here in all my something
in all my nothingness
in my whatness
            wish it'd go away
why are you so cold? but I'm the one with cold hands, so why are you so cold?