I wasn't her first.
Or her second. Or third. But I didn't need to be. I said
"I'm no good with words", and she said
"they don't speak to me anyway.
Anyway you were the first
to run your hands down my body, stop at my chest
and ask me if it hurts". When she said yes,
I told her yes too.
To this day she says "that was the moment
I fell in love with you"

and you begin to ask yourself why you fall in love with someone who wouldn't accept another part of you
until you realize you don't really want that part of you either

When I say "I miss you"
it's not just an automatic response
like when people say
How are you I'mfine
or
It wasn't my fault
or
You have the right to remain silent!
These are just normal, day-to-day conversations
and I forget we need them sometimes
But
I do not have the right to remain silent
when after I write ten times how much I miss you,
and that I think about you every time I check the mail,
or make a peanutbutter sandwich,
and all you write is a lousy "Lol. K."
I do NOT have the right to remain silent
when how much I miss you is as big as the rain,
the rainbow, and the *** of gold at the end of it,
when how much I miss you hurts so much
that it makes me wonder what it feels like to not feel like this,
I will not remain silent when you just say,
'miss u 2'
because I miss you in that stalker-ish way
that the waiter misses serving you your morning coffee
because he thinks you're kinda cute
or the way that girl always finds a way to walk by you
even though you rejected her other other night
and she clearly isn't over you...
When I'm sick of how "I miss you"
doesn't make the universe
implode
and it's disappointing when you don't hear everyone in the world screaming "Yes" at
the same time
I want you to hear the silence
when you see me off at the airport, train station, wherever,
I want "I miss you" backwards to spell "Because, that's why"
instead of having a reason why I called you.
I want to not run out of things to say when I finally
call you
I want "I miss you" to mean
everything again, including, I love you, you're so awesome,
what does your new haircut look like, and unfortunately
our own lives are so messy
that distance no longer makes sense
But,
hey,
I guess our memories were worth it.

i want to pour you
into my favorite mug
savor your warmth
and drink up your love

you are my daily
cup of sweet, warm tea
i never need to add
honey or sugar to

you are all i need
to wake up in the
early, quiet morning
you are all i ever need

I am good as I am,
do not take that from me
do not presume to know me
at my best, or my worst
it is enough to know
that my tears will water the earth
and my blood will paint the sky
until it is red and angry;
you will know my wrath
should you tell me how I am
should you say that I could be more
or that I am somehow, less,
be it enough that the stars hold me
be it enough that the moon moves me
be it enough that I can love me
                      
                                                                  
                                                                                                    I am good as I am

I still have that bottle of Jack you never finished
(Don't worry, I finished it for you)
And that empty bottle of beer you left by my bedside the night you took one of the last firsts that I had
And now that you've left
I'm starting to see similarities between myself and the bottles
Empty
Maybe I keep them around for like minded company
Empty

Or maybe I keep them around to remind me of your heart