I lay on my back, absorbing the pressures
Of the rocks beneath me, I breathe.
Eyelids resting on now blind eyes, I feel.
I stretch out as high as possible and hold it...
Allowing each fingertip to tingle, arms fall.
A rush of blood and my eyes snap open,
I see colours never known to man,
Unpaintable by all extremes.
Now, I sit cross-legged
Rocking as the wind sways.
The small clearing expands, opening up,
I see more now than two 1800's explorers
Ever did as they searched the world for forgiveness.
Looking up, it has grown dark
A deep blue, a deep grey.
It proceeds to rain, closing my eyes,
I open my mouth as if to speak...
The taste of wilderness rushes in.
Heavier, precipitation grows,
Heavier and birds begin to scream,
Landing at my sides, eyelids open...
I remain still. Screaming songs so intense,
The birds, they start to dance.
A pair with the tango,
Three with the jive,
I smile... I'm alive.
Beckoning me to join...
We danced all night.

Don't judge my outer shell
Don't judge the marks or scars on my skin
Don't judge the look in my eyes as you spit the words of sin
Don't sear your judgements in my brain
Yeah ok, you think I'm insane
I hope you know that this inner pain does it
The pain you cause and from many others
So don't judge the tears that stream down my face
Sad angels cry the most
An angel as sad as I deserves to let these tears fall
So don't judge my outer shell
Don't judge it at all
Don't say I'm mental and insane
You don't know what has happened to me or what I've been through
So don't judge my outer shell
Till you've looked within me
Maybe then you'd see why I'm like this
Maybe then this will shatter your killing spree

I am not ready to allow my broken body to yield to you
The centuries have weathered and ruined me
My mind stays, it insinuates movement, restless and hopeful
I am a vessel that bleeds out dreams and simplicity
I long for escape, I long to free myself from insignificance
My muscles ache under my skin from being mangled
All of my bones lie broken
So I am left here, to reflect on how nonessential I am
And I can only gaze at the same sight I've seen
I have been coerced to watch the earth, who does not appreciate me
For I am nothing but the moon.

If I closed my eyes,
drifted into a soft sleep,
would you protect me?

If I faded away into nothingness,
or foolishly left you behind
would you rapidly follow?

If it was just you and me,
just the two of us
would you be lonely?

If I carefully caressed you,
desperately needed you,
would you just take me?

If you had to leave,
disappear and never return
I beg of you to visit my dreams.

Collaboration with Jack

Where oceans dance on sleepy shores,
glistening beneath crescent moon breaths,
counting star drop secrets on charcoal skies
I stare at a horizon, a single shadowed line.... waiting

Into the depth of the distance, my thoughts drift
I know they will find their way somehow
I'll remain here, the closest point to you
my time, my freedom, I no longer wish to be my own

Cast upon these harmonic waves, my desires,
whispered into a sea breeze of flowing dreams,
Become one with a metronomic tide of needed current
seeking a path to your perfect heart and I breathe...slowly

Thoughts and desires now run free, seeking their destiny
the direction, always known to them, yet hindered
a moving course across the ocean, the destination, always you
wistfulness and impatient dreams will become a reality

And of this reality, these distant shores, we shall be together...
not of sun drenched morning awakenings,
nor a midnight sky of watchful eyes,
but of one love on a tireless journey, far beyond every horizon ....eternally

Need love to be so close
a comfort to surround me
need love by my side

Tell me you miss me
that it's me that you want
wipe away all the tears I cried

I desperately crave to feel
that there's no one else around us
and it's a world without lies

Wrap your arms around me
I'll stay there for a while
in this place I'll want to hide

Look into my eyes
so deep into my thoughts
there, you can abide

Know me and feel me
keep me so close
any storm we can ride

Always together exploring
searching and discovering
the amazing world so wide

I'll need nothing else
'til the end of my days
my sustenance you can provide

Any worries or fears
I'll share them I promise
in you I will confide

I'll look up to you
stand next to you so willing
my heart so full of pride

If we have to part
please make it brief
and return to me like the tide

My life
is made up of
interesting lives.
People that seem
to always be in
motion, doing
and experiencing life
and all that it offers.
I merely sit and observe
from behind the railings,
Yearning to join in,
But having not the courage
That would be needed to
Step away from my life
Into the one I wish I had.

It's gotten worse

I feel like I literally can't breath
My heart feels like it's trying to come out of my chest
I try to move, but every time I try to move it pulls on my heart strings in a bad way
Every time I try to breathe my heart feels like it's closer to escaping me and pushes at my ribcage violently
And it feels like someone is pressing down on my chest
Making the feeling worse

I've tried waking up
I've tried screaming
I've tried moving
But it hurts to even try to do anything
I can't fight
I can't move
I cannot do anything

Am I so messed up that I even get tortured in my sleep?

I haven't slept good enough in a while
These last for hours of the night

It feels like they're trying to **** me in my dreams
These nightmares
I'm always close to dying in them
I'm frozen in it
Never able to get out until I'm almost dead
And when it ends
I get back to my normal dreams
*Which I think is better

Being alone and being lonely are two different things
Feeling alone or feeling lonely are two different things too
Alone, meaning no one is around
Feeling alone means there's people all around, but in you mind, heart, and soul you're all alone inside
Lonely, meaning you're single and searching
Feeling lonely means you're always alone, no matter the place or people

Alone
Or
Lonely?

I am both

I feel alone and I am alone
I feel lonely and I am lonely
My soul is cold and empty
But my body is warm and full
My body is heavy
And my spirit heavier
My mind the storm and my heart the war

Will it ever end?

The overcrowding loneliness and the loud silence that comes with it
Or the feeling that I'm alone

I cry
I mourn
But what am I crying for?
What am I mourning?
Am I crying for death to take me?
So that he can warm my soul and unburden my spirit?

Am I mourning the life I'm living?
Am I mourning the future I think I'll have?
Am I mourning that death doesn't want me, or that he doesn't love me the way I love him?
Am I crying and mourning the deep thirst I have for him?

I think I am
And I'm not sure if I'll ever get over him, or stop wanting him
He was my only solace except writing
He was the only thing I thought I could control
But I don't
He controls it
He decides whether to push me away or to bring me closer

This burden I carry
It breaks me a little each time I feel I should die
Why haven't I died? I think
I should be dead. Someone else who deserves to live should have the rest of my years.
I always think this
Then I think of others
The pain ebbs, but still flows much more greatly later, when I'm thinking too much, feeling too much
Am I alone or lonely?
I think I'm both
And as I said in one of my last poems: Am I trash or golden?
I'm not sure
Am I trash because I'm too broken, or am I golden because I'm broken in a beautiful way?

I realized the only place I was looking for beauty was in the mirror
I looked in my heart and saw I was ugly there too
I saw something just as bad in my heart
**A mirror...