Anxiety….
You try and stop it, the voices in your head,
the impending feeling of dread...
the ticking of the clock, waiting for danger that will never come.
It is like one of those movie scenes,
where you are in a glass tank submerged in water.
The glass is cracked and there is water spilling in.

You try and stop it, you try not to drown, you try to do anything...to keep that water from flooding in... but you fail.
The dread comes rushing in, it takes over your body and you lose control.

You try not to drown, you try to calm down as the waves assail you. Your lungs feel as though they are about to combust,
your ribs feel as though there is a net made of fear tangled around them, strangling them.
Your heart sings the battle cry of a thousand drums as your body prepares to fight an enemy made up of twisted illusions.

Your eyes flood with uncontrollable, blinding tears….your breath quickens as you seemingly run out of air….You tell yourself, calm down….breathe….count your breaths, you're safe. Nothing stops that urge to panic though...it seems as though nothing can stop it.

Anxiety...

a seemingly infinite roller coaster that you can never get off of
and when you finally do, it has ****** every drop of energy from your body.

You don’t eat, because you will throw it all up….
you don’t sleep, because the voices in your head are deafening.
You wonder when you will feel safe.
For as long as these fears knock upon your door when you are alone or when you are with others, there is no way that you are safe...

Anxiety...
people say it is normal,
that it is necessary for survival.
But how am I supposed to trust those illogical fears that tear my relationships apart?
How am I supposed to trust the very thing that drowns me...
the thing that I battle with almost everyday?

After hiding behind that fake smile
and pretending for so long
I want to take my mask off
and just let the tears run down my cheeks

I don't want to be strong anymore
I don't want to be an actor anymore
I don't want to say the same old lie again
I can't say that I'm ok anymore

All I want to Do is Cry now
to be weak for once
All I want to do is to let the river flow
and let my emotions show
to be myself truly
not hiding or bottling up
the storm that is inside me
just for once
I want to let the raindrops fall from my eyes
to let all my demons out and cleanse my soul
to finally let myself heal

I have been cut down too many times
I had to hide the red lines
that has been driven in my soul and in my arms

But why won't anyone let me cry for once

From the car
to walking in the hallways

from waking up before the sun
to going to sleep at night

that same song
playing in my head
on repeat

the song that will be there forever
the song of us

the chords of laughter
the notes of tears
the lines of pain
the lyrics that tell our story


Our instruments now destroyed
we haven't sung for days
the music we enjoyed
all lay in waste

though our vocal chords are severed
our song forever stays
in my head forever
endlessly playing for days

As I am getting ready
for the day you leave

I put my pen on paper
words flowing out of the pen
letters, sentences, paragraphs

the precious words with a piece of my soul
the words that you will never know
how much worth they hold

to you, they may just seem as though
they are empty sentences
even if I poured my heart out
they will mean nothing to you

Right now we are 21.4 miles away
That is at least a 30 minute drive

But soon you will be 445.3 miles away
That is at least a 7 hour drive

or

You will be 2,751.3 miles away
That is at least two days of traveling


You are so close to me now
But soon you will be far away...

I am willing to drive across the world for you
Sail across all the oceans just to be in your arms
I would fly across a galaxy to hear your voice again

But would you do the same for me?

Please come back home
Take away the pain and the distance
Bring back the joy
And close the distance between us

I miss you...
I wish I had wings so I can fly to you
I wish I had the strength to swim across the sea
so that I can be with you
I wish there was a bridge
that I can walk on so that I can reach you

At least,
When I am looking at the moon
I know that you are looking at the same moon too

As the storm of anger went away
You saw
what you have done

Broken pieces of our friendship
Scattered all around the floor

Pieces in our beloved places
to remind you
of what we were
of what we did
of how we felt
of how we trusted
Ghosts of the past in those places,
movie theaters, where we fell into a world
not our own
the forest, where we ran away together
from everyone else
the library full of books,
where we would read to each other

Broken pieces of our trust
can be mended
but it will never, be the same
just like a glass
you can glue it back together
but there will still be cracks

Though trust can be mended
our friendship cannot

it will forever be
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