why do I keep looking for unhappiness
why do I look for things to upset me
am I broken
how do I fix me
how do I mend the pieces that you made
without cutting my hands open
she has bad tattoos
and wears converse
a totoro hat
over her over bleached hair
does she watch anime?
does she go to the lego store with you?
does target trips feel the same?
does she comfort you?
do you get the same rush,
when you want to kiss her?
does she let you?
do you get the same nerves,
when you message her on facebook?
do you crave her body,
in the way that you did mine?
so much so that you kept going when I told you no?
do you wish she was prettier,
like you wanted me to be?
do you wish she was blonder,
like the anime character you ******* to?
do you also wish your ***** was bigger,
like I wished it was?
do you also wish that you were more caring to me,
like I wished you were?
do you wish I was still with you..?
you’re at your job
talking to a girl
a girl who used to be me
laughs at your stupid jokes
puts up with you lame humor
and she friend zones you
you tell her about the girl across the coffee shop
who broke your heart
when really you broke hers
into so many pieces
that when she tries to pick them up
she cuts her hands
because of you
the girl has no idea
what she’s gotten herself into
you will destroy her
like you did me
I wonder if I would have turned out that way
if I stayed with you
i thought i'd die,
yet i still suffer.
our hearts starve
our hands bleed
i wanted us
i needed you
you "loved" me
and i thought i did.
i'm a two faced gemini
and you were too
how could we love eachother
if there was four of us
instead of two
You were my first boyfriend.
I was smitten over someone liking me.
I didn’t even care that I was your rebound.
You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect.
You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls
who seemed better than I.
Then, you’d come back to me,
because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you.
Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did.
They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone.
Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better.
is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years.
What could you do?
Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex.
I always regretted it.
Whether it was right when you came over
or right after
or when you left.
One time you said that I “didn’t last long”
because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop.
A year goes by.
I pay a visit to your house.
I mostly miss your mom;
ya’ll were my second family.
I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting.
I dropped in.
I stopped by.
One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon.
I watched TV with your mom.
You were sleeping.
She made food so I went to wake you.
We went downstairs and ate.
I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked.
I told you about someone I was seeing,
about how they enjoyed the way I gave head.
you said that my head “*****”
I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it.
I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
Flash forward to your room.
Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like.
for going to your room.
How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me?
A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me.
Force kissing me.
I pushed you off.
Gravity was against me.
When you finally rose
I said “What the **** is wrong with you?”
Why were you doing this to me...?
Without skipping a beat.
I got my answer
that’d replay in my mind
“You can’t turn me on without turning me off.”
You wanted my body
and according to you
I was only there for your pleasure.
That’s all I was.
An object for your enjoyment.
I immediately left your room.
You tried to stop me,
you tried to say sorry,
but the damage was done.
You marked yourself.
I had to pretend
in front of your mom
that nothing happened
until I left.
I cried many times that day.
Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her
counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave.
Wailing on my way to my brother’s
Thoughts that it was my fault
that I caused it
while my niece slept peacefully.
And more tears when I told my mom
and even more when she told me to stay quiet
because your mom was already going through a lot.
I was objectified
and silenced that day
in February before Valentine’s Day
I mashed and bashed myself
just to be a ****** up version of me
a version of me that wasn’t me at all
someone that still didn’t stop your wandering eye
— The End —