your love is a poison
||||||||
all I know is you

I embrace ａｌｌ your
s i n s
will you do the s̲a̲m̲e̲

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


sometimes my mind falls ill
twists and warps my thoughts
lets all the demons in freely
to ransack my sanity

somewhere in the chaos
in the  
               !!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !  ! !!   !      !  !D!E!A!F!E!N!I!N!G!!!­N!O!I!S!E!    !     !   !!   !   !!   !!!    !
!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a whisper of a thought...
it's not kind...
it craves pain...
it flirts with death...

it is this voice that makes me wonder
if it wouldn't be better if i were bleeding
or maybe if i were starving
or maybe if i were high

it makes me want to abuse myself
to punish, to torture
to remember i'm alive
to excite me

all i want is destruction

defile                  abuse                    tor­ture                  harm

"you deserve this....."
                                         "don't you want to see the damage?"

        "your heart will race.... adrenaline in your veins......"

                           "brand yourself with the marks of suffering..."

"make yourself sick......."
                                                  "i­ know you've been curious."

            "make the pain real."
                                                          ­  "enjoy it."

i must control the voices
else they get too loud...
and as they grow in power
i quickly desire to be terribly abusive
to DESTROY MY BODY
because this....
               this disgusting flesh...
really shouldn't exist

I'm
Tired
Of
B
R
E
A
T
H
I
N
G

Tired of

S
E
   E
    I
     N
       G

This hatred in humanity
And
The
Delicates
Being

T    O     R    N

Apart
So quickly
Without listening
To their glistening
Fragile
Beautiful words

do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it
do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it do I deserve it


Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I
Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I
Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I                                       Do I Do I Do I

Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I

tell me

Do I deserve anything

No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No

I don't

S                                        breath

     H                   grip

           A                     breathe!
slip
                  T                          waver
­   Drop                         hide
                         T                bend
P O U N D                  twist              shiver
             Fall   ­           E              writhe
 spin               spin               spin      need
            trapped               R             Cut

I hate him
              I hate him!
            I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
I want to kick him in the head

     Kick
kick
     Kick
Kick him
     HARD

PUNCH him

Make     love

Break his     phone
Break his heart
   Kiss him

Hug him
Hold     him
Love         him

My chest burns
My  eyes   sting

                                           hide

               SCREAM
   Pull hair
Weep

   Sob

  Kiss

Turn over        .       .       .         forget
                                  .
                       .
            .
it         LINGERS

it pokes
It prods
I twist and turn

What do I do?      I search
Of course.
            Hes niche.
this is                 WRONG
It's not                      FAIR
What do I do with this?
                                           What do I do?
          I love him!
           I HATE him
     Am I a fool?
Should I go now? Cut ties and

losses
again

AGAIN

Forgive
let live
           CrumpleKILL END DIE
SleepNeverwake!Neversleep
I dont WANT THIS                  do i

I need him

What

.

It's still you,                               Miss Me                Time Plays     
It's still you.                               Like Your                 Tricks        
                                                    Losing Me.       On Your Memory

Be you.                                        We're all                      Like Rain
Do you.                                         trying to                        I Fell
For you.                                 forget someone.                For You.


You Left                                       My Love                      I'll Meet
but Still                                          For You                   You Where
you Linger.                             Was Bulletproof.           We Began


Remember When                           I Miss                      Can't Sleep
You Were                                       What We                   Because
my World?                                  Never Had.
                                                            ­                              Something Is
                                                              ­                              Missing.
You'll Always                              You Were
be my                                          My Lifeboat,                  
favorite Almost.                         I Drowned.                She Warned
                                                          ­                                  Me About
                                                           ­                                 Loving Her
I'd Be here                                       It Still
if  She Asked.                                Hurts At
                                                           3  AM                     I warned
                                                                ­                          Her About
                                                           ­                               Loving Me
     I Almost                                    Come And
     Had You                                   Waste Time
     Didn't I?                                     With Me.                 We Exist
                                                           ­                              In Moments
                                                         ­                              Nothing More.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in life, not to change things. Just to feel a couple of things twice.

                                                         ­                            Jon York   2019