I fell in love with you.
The time before I knew you feels oddly incomplete
Like the universe has been conspiring
My every step so that I would take the paths leading to you.
I think I knew my entire life
That one day that I would be by your side
Laughing, smiling and inevitably falling.
I knew because you were the one in my dreams. I realize now that
You were the reason why my bones kept tingling and wouldn't settle.

I want you to know that girls like me
Are cautious and afraid to fall in love for the first time.
Girls like me are calculative and hesitant
Because we are too afraid to pay for our mistakes;
We were taught that we are only made of our successes
And that every failure will become a hidden scar
We must be careful to never repeat.
But you came and made me reckless;
I made my decisions blindly and allowed myself
To forget about everything else in the world except you.
I’d trip racing to fall asleep each night just to see you the next day,
All I’d eat was your attention to feed the butterflies in my stomach,
And all I could see were the moments we had and the future we could write.
And even when the scars became so many
That they could no longer be hidden under my clothes
I kept falling deeper and deeper in love you with.
I decided that the pain wasn’t at all bad,
That the wounds were worth every moment of your friendship.

I am envious of the me in another world who was led to you
And who is free to keep loving you, but
It gives me a grain of comfort knowing that somewhere else
You and I are happily listening to our favorite songs
On a rainy Thursday evening, happily and forever in love.
But in this world, it will only be me who falls
So painfully and deeply and foolishly and madly
And beautifully
In love with you.

I’ve kept you in my head so long
That the walls of my mind
Are painted with colors from the day we met:
Clouds scattered against the bluest sky
I had ever seen.

The floor is littered with poetry
Some of the finest I’ve ever written.
On the side is a locked box
With a barely closed lid.
Inside are the words I have yet
Spoken and said.
And they will stay
Unspoken and unsaid.
I  sit across the cold box
With my back pressed against the wall
Reminding myself that it’s time
To let it turn to dust.

Your voice won’t stop echoing
From the record player in the corner.
Dents on its side and
A fire under it
That refuses to engulf
The oil I spread.

The door in the back leads into a room.
Puddles of tears littered across the floor.
The record is barely audible as I approach
The center,
Which despite the pain and memories,
Still beats.

Day one.
I spilled all I felt
On the ground around your feet
And with great relief,
You picked up all the pieces
And held them close to your chest
In a humble wooden box.

Day two.
We both laughed at my petty jealousy.
At the time, I thought it was because
There’s no need for doubt
Since we found each other.

Day five.
We sat close,
Smiles on our faces,
As we continued with our everyday life,
Knowing something was a little different.
A little happier.
A little more beautiful.

Day seven.
Not many words were said,
But they weren’t needed either.
We simply needed to glance
At each other once
For a the corners of our lips
To curve upward just a little.

Day nine.
We looked at each other
With the innocence of children
And after
Our share of laughter,
You opened your arms
And we held each other close
For the first time.

Day ten.
The nervousness in me
Subsides like a wave
With just a bit of your
Reassurance.

As we sit side-by-side,
When the sun begins to set,
My mind wanders from
The spectacle before us.
None of it really matters to me,
My head is too full
With the thought of you.

And when you call my name,
Everything seems so perfect,
And even more so when
We hold each other close
For the second time.

Day twelve.
As quickly as it went up,
The tint of rose comes
Crashing down.
As I blink away the tears,
I’m surprised to find the world
Just as it was before
I began loving you.
Untouched, unbothered,
Just empty.
Amongst the broken glass,
Sits the memories of days
One through ten.  
And despite the pain,
I bring
Each memory close to my chest,
And hold on desperately,
Like they will fade if
I let go even just a little.

The end.

The youth is told:
The first love never lasts
And so it pains me to think of a time
Miles from where we are now.

My soul cries at just the thought of it.

So from now on,
While we hold each other close,
With smiles upon our faces,
I will hold you a little closer
As I grasp tightly onto the feeling of today.
I will silently plead
That we can be one of the few
To prove this truth wrong.

Let us walk
Side-by-side
slowly,
with our
eyes only
on each other.
There’s
no need
to reach
Tomorrow
So soon.

You don’t decide who
Will make your heart race.
The corners of your lips just
Upturn so suddenly
That you only notice your smile
When you step forward and feel
The cement  pieces
Of a shattered frown
On the ground beneath your feet.

Dear _,
You were the first person
Who made my heart so uneasy
That going hours without your voice,
Made me feel like I was being driven
To the edge of insanity.
When I spilled all I felt
On the ground around your feet,
You were the only person
Who picked up all my tangled thoughts
And kept it close to his heart
With a smile upon his lips.
From that moment on,
I engraved every word you spoke
Onto a little plaque inside my head;
I let the slightest warmth from every touch,
Seep past my skin and into the deepest parts of my bones;
And I read every gesture,
As something done out of love or admiration—
But I always knew that you were unsure.
That the clarity and euphoria
You brought into my each and everyday,
Wasn’t present in yours.
Even so, I held on desperately,
To every word, touch, and gesture.
I picked out each one
And like a tape stuck on replay, they repeated endlessly in my head,
And like an addiction, I couldn’t leave it behind.
Your name left my mouth,
Sometimes so habitually that I would be surprised
To find myself mentioning you
In the middle of a thought about the sky.
—And I still knew you were unsure.
So within this poem you will never read,
I wanted to say how deeply
Sorry I am.
How selfish I have been,
To take your smallest actions
And magnify them so that they would satisfy
My worries and insecurities.
I realized once the mania of my heart settled,
That I’ve been too caught up
Building a castle out of blocks
That might have never been real.
And you’re not to blame,
This time, I chose to hold on to this false hope.
So for the sake of my sanity,
And for the sake of your honest name,
I will step away with the mess I’ve made.
But to be totally honest,
It seems like a lie to tell myself today that
maybe, one day,
I can learn to let you go.
I like you.
Thank you,
__

For the first time
In all my years of living,
I’ve felt what it’s like
To have your heart pound
So stubbornly within your chest
That everything in the world
Seems mute in comparison;
I’ve never felt so anxious and afraid
With the only antidote to my worries
Being your voice.

And for the first time
In all my years of living,
I’ve learned what it feels like
To leave all your emotions bare
And scattered
At the feet of someone you love.
And never before,
Did anyone bother to pick up the pieces
And keep them close to his chest
In a humble wooden box
Like you did.

For the first time,
I fight the elastic smile on my face
That snaps back every time you cross my mind
And even the monsters in the back of my head
Run away with just the smallest thought of
you.

You’re the first
That I’ve been so open with.
You’re the first that laughs with me
At my own petty jealousy—
Hopefully because we both realized
That there’s no need for doubt

Since we’ve found each other.

And for the hundredth time and onwards
I will thank God everyday
That we did.