Awake and Startled
It seems like the same time
Every night
Hearing the crickets
And the rustle in the trees
Listening to the clocks move
Calms me
Until I reach next to me
And find you absent
From my bedside
I would always wake you
For extra company
When these nightmares shake me
But lately these dreams
Have been about you
And you no longer hold my salvation
In your warm smile
The smile that twisted
Like the knife in my spine
Thinking we were indestructible
But we were playing in a glass house
And you enjoyed throwing stones
Reckless with your words
Careless with my heart
Struggling to repair
What you destroyed
Needle and thread
But not so nimble fingers
Sitting in front of a puzzle
Attempting to find the edges
To build some sort of foundation
But some of the pieces were lost
And we can’t begin to make sense of it
Or find the logical way to start again
Sitting in silence
2:59am
As all sound drops out
And this hits me like an avalanche
Focusing on fabrications
You’ve lost me in the lies
And I’m not sure
Where to find myself anymore

I’m almost invisible
like a blind hem stitch.
Like the world is deaf
but I sing in perfect pitch.
A girl without arms
yet I hold on to everything.
A lover for a lifetime
with no wedding ring.
An exquisite ballerina
without any toes.
A runway model
without any clothes.
I’m standing in front of you
but you move right through me.
A tormented ghost
with no haunting ability.
Undetectable, unseen,
like ultraviolet light.
In daytime I sleep
and appear in twilight.
The only person able
to create shadows at night.
Silently choking on black,
face a sickly pale white.
With the thinnest of instruments
I thicken the plot.
A partial lobotomy
and I’m full of free thought.
My darkened grey matter gone,
color returns to my face.
The invisible girl
has been visibly erased.

~kb

and behind the cracks
the chips in my cherry cola smile
the gilded veins
that piece me together
and hold me upright
a splash of lavender
coats my skin
tongue and teeth
the sunset paints me a scattered palette
throwing casts in dusted rose
and perfumed letters
of purple prose
folded into sweet threes
and locked up tight
with a smudged lip mark
over the seal

she slid out of my life
like a glimpse
at the corner of my eye
a summer breeze
a quiet sigh
slipping sideways over diner floors
she trips on her way out the door
     - so soft that i would not have known
       had i not heard -
and before i can
open my mouth
or reach out a hand to stop her
she is gone
the wind carrying the coffee ground
of her hair
in muted tones

I see you everywhere but beside me,
the one place that I need you the most.
I don’t know if you’ve just felt like hiding,
but it feels like I’m being stalked by a ghost.
I think of my life consisting of just time biding,
with parasitic emptiness and I’m the host.
This hits me like waves I am meant to be riding,
and it follows me persistently from coast to coast.

The grass didn’t seem so green back then
I guess all that constant rain did pay off,
‘cause now this little future’s just a casual friend,
and my god looking back the past was soft.
It’s not like I always want to be drenched in sorrow,
I find I look much better in brown, blue or grey,
you know I’d trade in every tomorrow
for just one more yesterday.

I hear every voice but yours in my ears,
the deafening noise has made me forget that sound,
since I’ve heard that sweet melody it’s been too many years,
and every other pitch makes my static brain pound.
I’m always biting my lip but now I’m fighting tears,
I shake my head side to side and around.
I’m quickly losing stamina from battling my fears
and now looking forward to my hole in the ground.

The skies never seemed clear and blue back then,
it turns out that I was the creator of each cloud,
I’m hoarding past calendars so that I can pretend
that I’m back in time and making everyone else proud.
If you’ve got a hour or two that I can borrow,
I swear I’m good for it and whatever price; I’ll pay,
‘cause you know I’d trade in every tomorrow
for just one more yesterday.

I feel you all over, laced in everything,
if it wasn’t such a curse, it’d be a gift.
You’re the peace in winter and the hope in spring,
you’re the summer sun and autumn’s winds so swift.
I’m relieving every memory, looking for a place to cling,
I remember all of the details but the clarity is now adrift.
Side to side, back and forth, I constantly swing,
it pulls and drags me down but it can also give the highest lift.

The sun never seemed to shine right back then,
but maybe I was just too busy looking for artificial light.
I was never one for second looks but I should’ve searched again,
because everything I wanted was already in my sight.
So I plant a seed hoping it will eventually grow
and I sculpt all I wish for with clay,
‘cause you know I’d trade in every tomorrow
for just one more yesterday.

I'll probably be getting drunk on some alaskan thunderfuck or smoking some courvoisier yeah my world is discrete from yours.

Are you smiling?
Or bearing your teeth?

When you laugh
Sometimes I wonder
If it’s with me
Or at me

You say you
Are too busy
That we wouldn’t work
But I call *******

If you really loved me
I wouldn’t be left
Tugging
Your leash

There's a dead friend in my closet that no one ever liked.
I know they are still there.
but, I ignore it until someone brings them up again.
I evade the question, as if I did not **** them.
As if their bones did not crumble when I touched them.
As if I did not take their soul when I told them.
Guilt falls over me.
I lay awake at 2 a.m.
Sometimes I check to see if they may come back to life,
they are always the same as I left them.
Dead and unchanging,
and everyone praises the day the corpse died.
But, I cannot understand how to feel happy,
without a person in my life

Solitude, oh solitude!
Why are you still around?
Solitude, my loyal friend,
our time now needs to end.
Home is waiting for me.

Solitude, my loyal friend,
here I am again with you,
too weak to achieve
the one thing that I seek.

Solitude, oh solitude!
Why is it so hard?
So afraid to be hurt
I just can't drop my guard.