It isn’t until the daylight is waning and the covers lay heavy over her untouched naked body that she allows herself to take off her mask and admit her longing. It isn’t until the silence of night is ringing in her ears and the stars are falling, that she recognizes she’s in a state of desolation. She ponders how to resolve the burning of need that she feels low in the pit of her belly. Knowing she doesn’t allow anyone close enough to even feel her warmth, though she thinks she’s ready. She inquires and thrashes in frustration, no this isn’t desire this is pure necessity. She’s in a desert without water, she’s in the tundra without fire. She’s more than capable of surviving such crude conditions on her own but wouldn’t it just be ideal for her to not feel alone? To have the aid, to just experience safety and security? She struggles with these polarizing compulsions, ultimately deciding to end these thoughts of corruption and seduction. She rather stay firm in her disposition than to allow the possibility of him being her ruination.

She is not a project
She is not to be reconstructed
Don’t intrude
Don’t be disruptive
The home she has made within herself has been built with her best interests in mind
One wrong step
And one may end up on a land mine.
There’s a war waged against her but she is certain victory will come every time.
The opposition may believe that
they have an unbreakable spirit  
They may shoot their bullets of infatuation
And slice with their swords of optimism
But this is her territory
where the rivers flow on her command
and she can manipulate the wind
with only a wave of her hand.
Don’t try to perceive or assume.
The terrain is unpredictable
and one may find themselves,
not so formidable.

Yes, I’ve found comfort in the corner
where the shadows are thickest

I thrive in the loneliness of dawn
with my curtains drawn
I feel the most free
when darkness envelopes me

Many of these things that people fear,
have become what I hold most dear

I sleep soundly and weep for none
If there ever is one, I think I’d be undone.

Would I want to step away from my corner?
Could I keep the phantom of whom
I’ve built and found solace
or would I become a foreigner?
Could they love the darkest tones
or would they make me want to
brighten my world and clear all these bones?

What wondrous questions but the most important to be asked is:
Would I allow them in at all?

Anxiety sets in
Confusion triumphs
The mirror says
Sincerity
Authenticity
And
Beauty
Yet
The looking glass that is your eyes
Paint a different picture
Tell a different story
Your perception —
Shouldn’t mean this much to me.
Projection is a cruel tactic
I can’t take the theatrics
No longer will I be subjected to your contorted imagery
You must take a look into a mirror of your own and please I beg you to really see
You can still be loved
With all of your smears and scratches
Without dismantling all that another is
In which you wish
you saw in yourself
I promise you my friend
That is true bliss.

Lastnight
I had a dream
A dream you were unhappy
And honestly
I was too
I’m fine with the latter
But the former
Broke my heart

I pushed you away because
happiness could not be found within me
I let you go because
I deemed myself wrong for you
I still believe that to be true

Dreams are fickle things
My subconscious telling me
what I want to hear
Little does it know
You are nowhere near

And for that I’m grateful

I’d give away all of my happiness if it meant you’d feel it forever
It’s the least I could do
Really…
It’s my pleasure.

The silence
Deafening
The lack of touch
Excruciating
The air
Thickening

My eyes deceiving me
My feet failing me
My breath leaving me

I need you
My pillar
My strength
My stability

But

You’re nothing but a memory
Your voice is only
a sound that goes bump in the night
And
Your touch impossible.

A crippling realization hits me

When they look into my eyes
How do they not see?
That they are vacant behind?

She told me to keep
Writing
Fighting
Reaching
Reaching for my calling
My purpose
My impact
She made me believe
Oh I’m so ******* deserving
I will surpass expectations
I’m having major revelations
I have just begun
Everything before
Were the steps to access the door
I have turned the handle
I have stepped through the threshold
This is no gamble
But a true proclamation
An undying certainty of self.

Cheap bottles of red,
they seem to be

My

Only

Friend.

Yet another thing I’ve ruined
Another thing I allowed to slip through the cracks of my heart
Another thing she couldn’t sustain
due to her instability
What kind of home is that
Cracks in the foundation and leaks in the roof
It all could come crumbling down
within seconds
I think I would leave too
I can’t blame the previous tenants
for fleeing such a place
Hell if she didn’t reside inside me
If I could rip her out
I wouldn’t leave a ******* trace
I promise I’m doing you a favor
by not offering you to stay.

Why can’t I stop thinking of you?
When I know I don’t even cross that expansive mind nor am I a speckle in those green eyes.
You’re like a disease, a poison.
You came, you conquered and nothing is left besides the remnants of what you left me.
Some old cotton tee.
What the **** does this mean?
I’m not one to remember, reminisce or care.
No. I would never dare.
If that’s the case then how am I so afflicted.
You made one night feel like a lifetime —
How the **** did one encounter from a stranger leave me so contradicted?
It’s pathetic really,
I hate how I’m immortalizing you with these words but I need a release from this secret.
What else can I do?
I’m simply torn in two.

Too real
Not real enough
Im a square peg
that can’t fit in the round hole
Sharper edges, more refined  
Torn between worlds

The feeling of missing something I’ve never known and may not even exist
Is this Delusion or impossible dreams
We will just have to wait
to see what the world deems

Like calls to like but nothing calls to me
Distinct, unique, and on the brink
I am the threshold
Which way does this unfold
I don’t fit into one mold
I’m tired of living a story untold

Yet to be fair that story is unfinished
Of love requited
Souls ignited
And all wrongs righted

But I can’t help but feel as if
in the mean time
I’m being punished
Hope demolished
My heart impoverished

Like I said I don’t fit into one mold
I am a square peg
that doesn’t fit into the round hole
I just wish to be Understood
and have a rightful home
In the mean time though
I’m so much better off alone