The time is exactly two forty-five,
And I’m out here alone
Below the February sky
Just trying to find a way to feel alive.
-
You know what that’s like?

I got my headphones on,
Dressed to un-impress,
Playing my current favorite song
With my hair all in a mess.

And you’re on my mind again,
Like an imaginary friend
That I just can’t seem to grasp.
Are you fiction, are you fact?
-
You’re everything that I lack.

And I’m in a place that I can’t describe,
Swaying to the music
At two forty-five.
The longer I’m alone,
The longer I’ll survive,
So I’ll dance the night away
Beneath this February sky.

And then the cops drive by
On this cool February night,
And you’re still not in sight -
All I can see is flashing lights.

And they stop and ask if everything’s alright,
Ask how many drinks I’ve had this night.
I just keep swaying and sigh
Because I’ll never get it right,
-
And all of this is just a waste of their time.

So I say,
“Sorry officer,
I’m not drunk,
I’m just psychotic.”

And they look into my eyes,
And much to their surprise,
I’m simply sober, and alive
Below the February sky.

Then I take their hands and pull them with me,
Although they can’t hear the song,
And they try to fight, but I don’t let them,
I just laugh and sing along.

The time is roughly three o’five,
And I’m being detained
Under the silver moonlight.
And the February sky watches on…

I guess you’ll never know quite what it’s like,
No, you’ll never know what this feels like.

It’s been a while, but I’ve figured out
Why my life seems so different now.
Working on being your new fixation
In a costume of my own creation.

I know I’m not who I used to be,
I’m used to being shut down,
Silenced,
Ooh, their words were violent,
And I ended up someone I’m not sure I want to be.

But that doesn’t matter anymore…

‘Cause I’d do anything you want,
Be the girl of your dreams, too.
I’d say the things you’d like to hear,
And change my looks, my heart for you.

I know it’s sad and reeks of desperation,
Yeah it’s tragic, but it’s true…
Honey, if you would just love me,
Maybe I could love me too.

Baby could you kiss me in the moonlight,
And see the stars in my eyes,
And let me take the pain away.
All those thoughts you’ve had today -
They don’t mean anything
As long as I’m around.

Please, just use me like I’m using you.
My heart tells me it’s choosing you,
And all these stupid things I do
Only promise me that I’ll be losing you.

And I know I’m simply sad and eighteen,
And life has much more planned for me.
What’s that look supposed to mean?
We used to speak so candidly.

And now I know you want to leave me…

But I’d do anything you want,
Be the girl of your dreams, too.
I’d say the things you’d like to hear,
And change my whole ******* self for you.

I know it’s so very sad and desperate,
Yeah it’s tragic, but it’s true…
Darling, if you would just love me,
Then maybe I could love me too.

Can you please just ******* love me,
So that I can love me too?

Today the demons are alive and well,
And I'm trapped in my personal Hell -
Pounding on the prison gates,
But no one answers and I fear it's too late.

If I couldn't save myself,
How are they supposed to?

Stuck here in this empty cell
That I sentenced myself to -
Locked my soul away so nobody could steal it,
But a soulless life broke my heart,
And now nobody could heal it.

No, didn't need a boy to break my ***** of a heart,
I did that myself when I locked up my soul
And threw away the key.

And now I'm crying for release,
Screaming, "Someone help me!"

When you lock away your mind
Trying to hide from the lies,
It's the truth you're sure to find.
But sometimes reality is just too **** real,
And sometimes you break your own heart.

You just gotta keep searching
For a way back out.

Prison break,
Break the gates
And embrace your fate.

And all the while please just know
For there to be a Hell on Earth,
There must also be a Heaven.

For Heaven's sake, let's rush those gates,
Escape the land of relentless self hate.
So sick of being a powerless inmate,
But it's what I get for pushing you away.

There I go again pushing myself back into the cell
That I know too well.
If this is Hell, dear Lord,
Where is my Heaven?

I can't find it -
I've been searching for years,
Yet hiding behind my fears,
And drowning in my countless tears.

Maybe I can cry my way out of this.
My soulless life, so lifeless
Even the guards have disappeared!
So why the **** am I still here?!

It's time for a prison break,
Break the gates
And embrace my fate.

And the whole time I'll remember
For there to be a Hell on Earth,
There must also be a Heaven.

Feeling like I don't deserve it -
Laying my dreams to rest
In a brutal death,
Won't pass this test.
I'm testing myself to see if I've grown comfortable
In my cell I know far too well -
Maybe this isn't Hell,
Maybe this was Heaven all along.

For I once told myself
The greatest joy in life is crying.
Well then why aren't I happy by now?

It's been so long that happiness is just a myth to me -
A bedtime story you tell yourself
While the monsters in the closet
And under the bed
And in your head
And your heart
Start to creep out to tear you apart.

But somehow I've made it out alive,
I'll hold onto my soul this time.

For I've broken the gates, and before it's too late
I'm on my way to find my heaven.

She said she didn't understand
Why people always sang of "burning love" -
All fiery and hot that leaves scars and pain in its wake.
A rush of emotions that flickers when the wind blows.

No, we don't need something fragile
That will only leave us in ashes
And embers of remembrance.

Tonight, or tomorrow,
Baby, I want you to love me cold.

Am I a Christian
Or just a silly girl who believes in something more?
I worship God in my own way,
Baptizing myself in my own tears every night
Praying for it all to stop.

Either way, we are not the ones calling the shots.

There's something going on here, dear,
So shut your pretty mouth
And get down on your knees and bow to the king -
The crafty creator of everything.

He made you knowing those dark thoughts would appear -
There's a reason why you're here.
So why don't you put down the water gun -
You were not meant for toys like that -
A life of fun is so ******* overrated,
Darling look how far you've made it.
(Look how far we've made it.)

Don't you dare ever waste it,
You're here for a purpose, dear.
Might be a month,
Might be several years.
You'll make it,
I swear,
You'll conquer your fears.

And all those tears you've made
(All these tears I've made)
Will make you stronger in the end,
This is not the end -
Crying, "Will it ever end?" -
Hold on and rest your weary head,
It'll end when you are dead,

But for now the king wants you alive.
Hang on to your life,
Take a deep breath and sigh.
Say, "Nobody is stronger than I."
Scratch that, "us."
"No one is stronger than us."

Because you and I are meant to combine together.
We are running out of time.
He wants us to rise and fall as one
Until the whole **** system comes undone -
But until that day will surely come,
Let's continue our march into the sun.
We'll make it ***,
Look how far we've made it.

I have the strangest tendency to make things disappear.
One minute I can see it out there in the clear,
Look away for a split second, turn away my eyes
Only to come back and find I've lost my prize.
I swear my mind is number one on the rooting team for its own demise.
You'll be looking to the ground, I'll be looking to the skies

Asking why things always leave me when I need them most -
My mind and body don't go together -
My body it's just the host
For my twisted beyond belief head
And a heart of broken glass and lead.
I wonder when I will find it again -

This thing I've hopelessly lost.
My helpless, deep thoughts block my vision,
Can't see two feet in front of me.
Is it my family or a stranger holding his hand to me?
Chances are I'll take it
Saying I thought it was my parent -
But from the very start
I've detected the unfamiliar beating of this stranger's heart.

And I'll love him like a distant cousin
And ask him if he knows -
Before he goes -
Please do you know
Where my mind has gone?
I've lost it with my slippers.
Have you seen my sanity?
It should be beside that bag
That I've tried and tried to no avail to find.

I'm just physically and metaphorically lost
In more ways than you'll ever know.
My body grows, but my mind has been old forever -
Never succumbing to the childish state
Of my careless peers.

Though I must admit I'm careless now -
No not the careless like other people don't matter and you do -
But the careless like they are the ones I'm trying to save
Because I've been lost so long
That the posters pinned on the wall
Asking, "Have you seen this girl?"
Are all but faded now
So the one in the picture on the posters on the wall
Doesn't really look like me at all.

Careless to the point where I'd do anything
For a minute of sunlight,
But my eyes are blind
And my world free of light.

Used to be so ******* bright
A future stitched and sewn so tight,
But I'm sleeping alone every night
Looking to the starless sky
And

Asking why things always leave me when I need them most -
My mind and body don't go together -
My body is just the host
For my twisted beyond belief head,
And a heart of broken glass and lead -
Following a stranger I've never met,
Wondering will I ever find it again?

Party. Party. Party.

All they want to know
Is it worth it to go?
Dressed up, messed up
Party. Party. Party.

All they'll ever do
Forget me and you
We'll go party too
Party. Party. Party.

Not a thought in your empty head
As I'm crawling in your bed
I'll never let you in mine
Party. Party. Party.

Keep my heart and mind apart
When's the party gonna start?
6-inch heels and blurry eyes
Party. Party. Party.

Party in the day time
Party in the night time
Party all the ******* time
Party. Party. Party.

All they ever ask
Where you keep your hidden flask
Dressed up, messed up
Party. Party. Party.

I write these songs I'll never sing
Walk like I'm the ******* queen
Don't give a **** 'bout anything
Boy you were so mean to me

But that's okay 'cause this ain't love
Never will be, never was
I'm sure you didn't mean to give me hope
But that's alright because I'm over it

I'm over you, over me,
Over whatever the **** we were supposed to be
And I'm left here alone with my thoughts again
Neither a prayer nor a friend
To talk this out and lay to rest

And this bed is so much colder now
Despite you never being in it
I just feel the potential, overwhelming

Took my body, not my heart
Not like I had one for you to take in the first place

I hate your face, but I love the way you used me
Called me over, ****** me up
Physically bruised me
Guess you couldn't really even lose me

I was never yours, just a lonely girl with hours to spend
In a practically stranger's bed
And now I'm left alone with my thoughts again

Nothing I say ever makes sense
And you sensed that in me
Detached from me
On a mad quest for not my mind, my body
Senses intermixed - boy you wish
But you were just a short term solution to a long term problem
My mind's got pollution, need a potion just to fix it
Drink away my sorrows - don't even got a fake
But the smile on my painted face is fake enough to convince poor ******* like you to
Get me a drink
Give me a dance
Send me a wink
For a night
Same time next week, I'll be on the floor in tears
My vision going weak

'Cause no matter how hard I act like it don't matter
I find myself getting madder and madder
Walking right under the ladders
'Cause my life couldn't get sadder

And I know someday I'll really be over you - you being the one night stands -
When I'm twenty-two and respected with love from a man not a boy
You couldn't break my heart if it never was beating
And the feeling in my mind is that my patience is depleting -
Like the battery on my cell I stare at for, well, ten hours a day
Just trying to find a way to say I never cared about you anyway

I would if I could
You were never any good
Got my number in your contacts
Won't ever text me back

So I'm jaded and alone
Because you won't pick up that phone
I know I will never love you, just thought the things you said were true
About sticking around
And not letting me down
Like all those other people I've had to kick to the ground

Oh well, I guess closure's overrated
And in the end I'll never make it

Just a girl with a pen and a ****** up head
Staring her shadow down through the night
In her cold and empty bed

Numb.
I'm the careless, selfish person I never wanted to become.

Eighteen years of being alone has left me jaded and believing love doesn't ******* exist. Guys will settle for my body for a night with no intention of knowing my mind.

And, perhaps worse, some even stoop so low as to pretend to be interested in me - ask me about my family, my religion, my passion, my stance on politics - with the underlying intention to just use me and never speak to me again.

Those are the ruthless kind of boys who give ****** up, broken girls like me a glimmer of hope. There's nothing crueler than making the hopeless hopeful - earning their trust only to crush it again.

And now I can't look at the stars without thinking of him. I knew we'd never love each other, and was honestly only remotely attracted to him.

He was just the first boy to ever look at me that way - like I was something to be desired. He took what he wanted under a thin veil of respect, then left me staring at the stars and feeling like the stupid girl I am.

We were never meant to be in love.

There's not enough songs about being alone.

Not like your friends are busy and your family is out and you've just had your heart broken.

Like your friends were never really your friends and have finally given up on the charade. Like your family is surrounding you physically, but they just don't understand - because they just don't care. Like you've gone your whole entire God ****** life without being called beautiful by anyone that matters - let alone be loved by someone. Like you give and give to anyone who is willing to take - anyone who even looks your way without a hint of disgust on their face - you give until you're empty and you have nothing left. You can't even keep yourself company because some part of you is convinced you don't even exist. Like the loneliness that drives you absolutely insane.

Exactly that kind of alone.