The darker the darkness,
the crazier the thoughts.
That little piece of meat,
a sectioned off part of my brain breeds pain.
It specializes in it
and in reminders.
Like a calendar
but this one ties you in
your own personal electric chair.
Each reminder,
Each charge,
Each word
reverberates throughout your entire body.
It brings pain.
Brain pain,
the only thing I truly know.
The only thing I was force to learn.
I wish I could unlearn the things in my brain,
remove the whole thing
and start from scratch.
Must find a way out,
Need to find my way out
of this inescapable maze of my mind.
Even if all that is left to remember me by
is a splatter on a wall.

A mother’s touch is
suppose to be tender,
one you would lean into.
But, instead
I would flinch.
Not for fear of any physical pain
she could cause me
but only because
she never touches me.

“you are really damaged”
21 years of searching for
a mother’s love
will do that to you.
Searching for that missing piece
and hoping that if you do everything
she wants and everything
you can possibly do to help her
that maybe,
just maybe,
you’ll finish the puzzle and
she’ll love you.
Which is absurd because
she won’t
and she can’t.
How can a mother love her children
when she knows of no love herself?

Cat and mouse..
A game I’ve always hated
but a game I know all too well.
because she always flaunts
what she knows I want
right in my face.
She knows what I crave
and how to make me weak.
My one true weakness,
Family.
Well, the idea of one
because I have never had one before.
A family to call mine?
One that would love me unconditionally
and honestly?
The universe has
a sense of humor after all
and it’s Me.