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I've kept this pain away.
Held it at bay,
since the day
of Your

Now You are old.
I take care,
as this is My loving
duty. Reversal of

Time has stilled
the tremors
of angst.
Turmoil and

Yet, when bothered,
Your harsh tones
enter My body
and heart,

with words,
accusations that
I was the
troubled one...

Grown Woman
that I am,
I find myself
11 years old
once again

Copyright © 2016. Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved
 Dec 2015
I drowned the thought of you in my 11pm Sangria ritual to chase away the demons that plague my mind, that tell me I am not good enough for you. The bed we once shared now suffers from a cold spot from where you use to lay with me. We use to generate so much heat when our bodies touched that I thought we would become hotter than the sun. You use to tell me how beautiful I was; that I held my Moscato white wine with such great precaution not to spill it that you thought I was an angel carrying a soul to the hands of God. You knew my heart was delicate. After all, the very sight of me sent venom pulsing through your veins, sort of like you wanted to destroy my already-feeble bones. Your anger teased out shyness in me, and when you decided to lift your hand that one faithful night to smack me it sent me crawling on my hands and knees for forgiveness, just to see that we wouldn’t end up on the road my parents once were. You made tears swell up in my eyes when you were inside me, and soon I learned not to cry when you decided to plow my body, a land for the taking. Parts of me started dying, and soon I was nothing but an empty shell with dampened eyes. You took, and took, until you got furious at me that there was nothing left to take. Sometimes I still sit in the corners of my bedroom silent because you loved me most when you saw me there, your tiny little ghost just waiting for you to make her disappear. And on some nights when I was with you, disappearing didn’t seem all too bad- you use to scare me enough that I wished you had removed the love marks you left on my alabaster skin. What we had was toxic, and I was on life support just to get by the fact that I was nothing more than your special object. Day after wretched day you tortured me with ‘I love you’s’ and smacks across the face that caused blood to erode from my cheeks. My voice started to shake and yelps came through my mouth when you decided that my contorted body was a pleasure worth seeing, that my pain was the very essence of why you ever loved me to begin with. I can’t remember the first day you started to push me under, but I know that when you did you would never let me come up out of that black water for more than 3 seconds, just so I could get another gasp of air to last me a couple of more months. I will never regret the time you told me I was worth more than you, because maybe that was your healthy conscience talking. Maybe you could have loved me better. Maybe I could have listened more.

All I can say is that I will never forget the time you choked me hard enough that I couldn’t breathe; that you smacked my head so hard against our bedroom wall that the snap sent my brains splattering across what was now your floor.  


 Oct 2015
Y Rada
It is difficult to be a man,
For I am not a typical one.
It is hard for me to go on,
There’s a secret that pulls me.

I loathe when my memories strike,
They hit emotionally with might.
I struggle so much to survive,
In a world so deaf towards my cries.

I look at a He and my heart convulses,
For I recall a He who gave me kisses.
I was young, forced and naïve,
I fought but He was much stronger.

Society might tell that I’m gay,
For I let a man violated me in a way.
But I’m not a ***** and I’m sure,
I play a role for which others envy.

When I was a teen I met her,
I admired her even if she’s older.
I was then shy and very timid,
With mental and emotional scars.

I thought of her as a dear friend,
Then she turned to be my worst fiend.
One instance she forced herself on me,
And used things that hurt me so.

A girl’s tactics differ from the stronger ***,
Tears she used first and blackmail next.
She was cunning, sly and very clever,
She stole my pride and my dignity.

My fears now mixed with anger,
My determinations got bolder.
I still cry and sometimes get lonely,
Like any other victim I want to fight.

I can not shout to the whole nations,
For societies will scorn at my declamation.
Both sexes forgot that I have feelings too,
I am also made of flesh, bones and spirit.

I am not proud of what I become,
Within me clouding reasons try to calm.
My desire is to win this battle to the end,
I am capable of vulnerability like any human.

But where does my right begin?
This universe has compassion for women.
The likes of me are expected to be steel made,
Yet I have feelings too for I am just a man.
Dedicated to all abused males by other men and to the men abused by females. A simple shout out to the world that I care…that I have heard your cries… and that you are still loved.
There is no body who can lie like a person who want to sleep with you, they can promise you heaven and earth mean while they don't have money to buy themselves underparts.

believe me men's are criminals they can steal your viginity and let you linger around the world with no values ,they can left you with tears and celebrate that they got your juice and they ended it,or they can left you like a Prado with its wheel at the back and watch how beautiful you can be after that.

your body is precious don't let anyone play your mind like a team that play same ball and what happens when it burst they through it away and get a new one, so your life  is worth than opening your legs.

why because you will be treated like a piece of toilet paper where everyone pass and use it and after that is useless, please girls, don't say I didn't warn you.

I would like to remind those who lost their viginity that the is a time to regain it,just stand your ground and speak out,my body is a temple of God and so if you want me,merry me,we are not animals to sleep around.

because the more you bow for men's is the more they trap you like a rat and ****** transmitted diseas  will be your risk,nature is nature but without respect is a disaster, keep your skirts tied or your trousers zip closed please.
I breathe this crisp
clean Fall air
I sensed the calm
surround Me
Envelop Me in it's
colorful embrace

Thought I was loved here
Safe in Heart
Safe in Home

Now the colors are blurred...
Not because of the
magic of a season is because I
Was not prepared
for the changes to come

An ice storm hit when
I was not looking.
Shards of sharpness,
embedded deep
An Ice Pick, uninvited...**

Copyright © 2015 Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserve
 Oct 2015
Tom Leveille
i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"

i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"

so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"

i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"

before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and

every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."

and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
 Oct 2015
You were the one
That helped me
Find myself
Once again

Lost in an ocean
Drowning in my vices
Of my hurting spirit

You told me it
That it was all me
That I had it in myself
To get up again
The whole time

But I still thanked you
For that helping hand

You reached out

To grab my drowning hand
And you helped
Me pull myself out

But now

I'm drowning again

And this time
You're the one holding me under

You are crushing everything
You've told me
That was so positive
So helpful
So kind
So caring

And you tell me
Exactly what I was telling myself
While I was drowning

I don't know why
You are doing this to me

You make me feel
So worthless

I feel a pain
Strait in my chest
For every time you hurt me
With venomous words
And a contorted face
Of misplaced anger

You even said
That I'm worthless
You told me I was pathetic

You told me
"I can say whatever I want to you,
And do whatever I want to you,
because I'll never lose you.

While you held me in you're arms

Stupid me
Said yeah...
Because it's true
I love you
Too much for my own good

That was
The most defeated voice
I've ever heard in myself

Where have you gone?
Please come back to me, I know this is not you at all.
 Oct 2015
"you're so ugly"
i know, and you're right.

"nobody likes you"
why would they?

"i hate you"
i understand, i dont like me either

"just **** yourself already"
*im trying to.

— The End —