right choices
at the wrong time
bad choices
at the right time
choices
that change your life
unexpected consequences
contradictions
leading you
in arduous paths
which will condition
your trip
deviations
that turn against you
choices
of which you will regret
every moment of your existence
choices
you have not completed
lack of courage
that you will regret
until you run out of breath
leaps into the void
clashes
wounds
choices
unavoidable
words
that define your being

I forget
the kind words that
you've spoken to me
before on this very dock
as the birds make their sound

Once you've brought out
your angry grimace,
and you've said things that
are as cold as the water beneath us

I brought us here
to repair what's become
broken, but as I write this
I realized I've been here before

Not the same location,
but the same pain

02.23.16

every fight
every intention
collaps
inevitably you
as flush in my mind
no relief from you
not the evening
my free thoughts
to wander in the dark
run to you
not the night
in flights of my unconscious
I drown in your arms
not the morning light
my eyes closed
my heart awake
every single weak heartbeat
is consumed in you
inescapably you
tangled
to me
your thick scent
gelatinous shell of every atom of me
obsession
passion
pain
persistent hum
every fight
every intention
drown
surely you
sweet poison
poignant languor
eager anticipation
of an instant
of authentic
essential
abandonment

overcome with weakness and nausea,
I limp to my bed.
I rest my tired eyes,
and pray to god I wake up dead.
and light doesn't shine on any of my days
as I make my way through this foggy haze,
I try to look on the bright side of life
but all has been shadowed by clouds.
I didn't choose this life,
nobody did.
we were not told how hard it would get,
though I was just a kid.
I asked my mom why granny died,
why she gave up when pappy was gone.
and my mom gave me a very tight hug
and said that she just could not go on.
that's when I learned we could control our death
and god knows I tried a few times.
I was so tired of regret
I was so tired of goodbyes.
but here I am, to this day,
dragging my feet through life
but trust me, friend, this is better
than picking up that knife.

Bit by bit I left subconsciously
Eating the same meal continuously;
Little did I know it was rotten
For I believed it was already broken;
Knowledge without interpretations killed me.

I found myself on a ride
Only to realize insanity was the driver
In my head the journey was to “sanity”
Not considering the promise of “purity”.
It didn’t take long and I was gone…

I believed the cure to my disease
Was my illness;
Losing all parts of me and those that
Make me up.
I gave away my sanity for insanity;
My soberness for drunkenness;
My emotional state for approval;
My physicality for adaptation;
I gave you my presence and you took
My dignity away from me.

Tears were involved, and so was blood.
Pain became my breakfast as anger
Was my supper.
My heart had to adjust its veins and arteries
Just to accommodate the pain, anger and hurt.

I sacrificed my being
To fit in your life.
You made me feel special
Until you framed someone in my own home
And then you told me “it was a game”

Besides the self-sacrifice I made,
You persecuted and intimidated me.
I wasn’t like this until I met you
You’ve always been that drug
That I was scared to attempt;
Until I tried you and you actually
Was sweet…
I had no reason to reject your sweetness
For I’m only allergic to bitterness
And that was the gown you had in
Your wardrobe but never wear.

I sold myself out and now I’m in debts.
I’m the one who needs rehab
For I’m the addict, and you’re only the drug.
You took my sanity and still
Came back for the insanity in me.
You basically want me empty handed
With you as my last resort.

I felt deprived of sweet things in life,
And you were always ready;
My eyes were open but closed;
My heart locked but open;
My knowledge was restricted;
And honestly I was gone.
I started not making sense
For I lost understanding of my actions and deeds.

Not only did I lose wisdom and knowledge
But MYSELF too.
The precious me that I always took care of,
The gorgeous me that appeared to only
Exist in my sanity of which I lost.
My capacity was overwhelmed by being overwhelmed;
I couldn’t stand the things against me
Hence I always took the easy route; and that
Being the destruction of the patience in me.

I fooled myself, I owe myself
An apology;
For my life was never my
Methodology.
It didn’t take long and I was gone…
How do I regain myself back,
And at what price?
I want “me” back, I miss “me”
Why did I sell myself so cheap,
For what visible benefits?
I fell for luxurious things
AND I WAS GONE!

Nobody can understand how another person's mind works.
Nobody can travel across time.
Nobody can be in two places at once.

So if I were Nobody, I could read your mind.
If I were Nobody, I could time-travel to where you are.
If I were Nobody, I could be with you and still be where I am.

But is that the way it works?
Sadly, no.
It is all a fantasy,
just playing with words,
totally impossible.

In any case, I don't want to be Nobody.
I want to be Somebody,
to be a part of your life.
But I can do nothing,
except give you my love,

and hope you return it.

.
So fresh his face,
Nutmeg and ginger
Like mine.  I made
Apologies for being,
Being late.

He was more than
Kind, so mannered
Like minded, unwild,
Not unpredictable,
Like my ex.

In the cafe, earthy
Smells wafted at me,
Hints of loss, of sad
Things unsaid, wet
Piney black hair.

Black hair and blue
Unfathomable eyes,
Eyes of a lad I miss,
A wildness uncaged,
Once caging me.

Here at the end
of the continent
everyday the same
sea and sky elemental
endless blue planes
interrupted only
by a wayward bird
a flash of white
like a gull
lost out in the null
as September wanes
into Autumn's moon
breaking like a spell
casting my shadow
like a sundial
measuring my footprints
away and alone
on these wind(s)wept
bare lonely dunes.