i don't want to be resilient anymore.

I wish that the cost of my resilience
could have been anything other than
my happiness.

I spend everyday feeling like a sprinter trying to run through molasses except my legs are twigs and my breath catches in my throat so I push and run and try my hardest but I can never move anywhere because my legs won't work because my lungs won't work because my brain won't work because my head is so foggy from the exhaustion fumes filling my skull yet I can't sleep because I can never sleep and the pills and the medicines and the pillow sprays and the weighted blankets and the mindfulness meditation doesn't help so I turn to drugs that stay just long enough to make me hopeful before leaving me empty and dry like the people in my life that I love so I stay alone and empty every night in bed hoping and praying that dreams will flood my mind that night but praying and hoping is never enough so I lay there and pray harder and hope harder and I try with all my might to push harder and harder and harder to break out of the glass castle and into the world but the glass won't break so I throw myself against it but the only cracks are in my bones but I push and I slam until finally I break apart into nothingness because
I
am
nothing.

it was 365 days ago
that things changed.



I regret that,
and I regret you.

I drank the poison from your lips,
not realizing that you had already taken the antidote