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Apr 2015 · 447
It's been awhile
Cece Apr 2015
I succumbed to a wave of adoration
when you held my face and smiled.

The happiness was fleeting
after my body remembered the pain
that comes with the price of caring for awhile.

I can barely remember what life was like
prior to surviving with a broken heart.

I was fearless, and full of hope.
But now whenever someone
makes me feel happy, again
I contemplate if it's worth the risk
of falling apart.
Nov 2014 · 469
New Medicine
Cece Nov 2014
I met someone last week.
He makes me smile,
and I hang off of every word
that comes out of his bearded mouth.

He speaks like poetry
and cares about all of the things
I have been too lazy
to discuss these days.

He has depth
which is hard to find
in people around here.
And he forms legitimate thoughts
and challenges my typical,
simple responses -
daring me to elaborate.

But most importantly
when I'm talking to him
you don't haunt my thoughts
nearly as much as you usually do.

I'm going to try to keep him around.
Nov 2014 · 9.1k
You don't love me anymore
Cece Nov 2014
I think of you
every day that passes.
And then I think about how
you don't love me anymore.
I don't know how to cope with this
and I'm just hoping
that if I refuse to truly accept it
after awhile,
it'll happen without me realizing it
and I won't have to feel as much pain
but I can't imagine
it being much worse than this.

You don't love me anymore.

I find myself in my head
saying that I'll stop hoping that
you'll want me back,
next week.
Next month
or maybe
next year.
I keep making excuses for you
and thinking that I should keep waiting.
And so I just keep needing to say to myself that

you don't love me anymore.

I almost have to resist cringing
when he touches me
because I feel like
I'm cheating on you.
And then I remember that

you don't love me anymore.

He is your absolute opposite
which I hate most of the time
but sometimes it helps.
Sometimes I even come close
to convincing myself that
I actually like him.
And then the thoughts of you
flood my mind
and I know that this
is nothing more than myself
being too weak
to be alone.

I love you.
Nov 2013 · 669
A Broken Memory
Cece Nov 2013
We speak through closed doors
and are muffled by white walls.


Avoiding eye contact
we briskly walk to the kitchen
to grab our plates in silence
only to retreat to our sanctuary.

Muted shouting always seeps through,
but I tell my brothers to ignore it
while we stare down
at our bleak hamburger helper.

Daddy is getting louder
and I hear mom crying again,
so I turn up the volume
and we try to focus on Spongebob.

After pushing my food around my plate
through a couple episodes of this,
I tell my brothers to stay in our room
while I go figure out why it's quiet again.

Mom is talking on the phone to someone
telling them what dad was wearing,
and she keeps looking out the window.

I sneaked onto the couch and saw
dad walking down the street;
a policeman stopped him
and took him away for a few days.

Mom starts walking over to me
and tells me to go to my room,
to play with my brothers.


They were too young to remember
how bad it really was.
Only now do I, myself, realize
these were not things
I should have had to see.





*CVT
Nov 2013 · 901
Gobble-gobble
Cece Nov 2013
Turkey and bread
fill our stomachs
almost as much
as laughter fills the air.

Sitting at the little kid table
for a large percentage of my life,
and seeing distant cousins in college
bring their boyfriends to dinner
seemed so far away
and intangible.

This year, that is not
something that will be
beyond me.

Butterflies are clouding my thoughts
every time I think about the dinner to come.
I'm sharing the bustling city of Chicago
and my most cherished family members,
with the man who is coddling my heart.

And for this, I am thankful.








*CVT
Nov 2013 · 748
My Former Family
Cece Nov 2013
No one
is who they were
yesterday.

Minuscule adaptations form
with each sunrise
and go unnoticed
until you look back at an old photograph,
or think about something that happened
with an old friend who is now a stranger
that you know nothing about.

You are your own doppelganger.

The girl sitting in the theatre
playing obnoxious games
with her loud, aspiring individualistic friends
seems like a stranger to me.

It is impossible
to pinpoint the moment
when things started to change
and I lost sight of that girl,
and who she wanted to be.

At the least,
I wonder
when everything
started to shift.
What caused the imbalance?

Now I sit alone
in classes I don't care to pursue
with no sense of aspiration
towards anything.

I remember all of the laughter
and the sleepovers, gossiping about
everything.

I remember random details
and insignificant everyday stories
that could take up hours
upon hours
of reiterating.

When a friendship terminates
what are you supposed to do
with all of your old shared secrets?
Where are you supposed to put those memories?

The girl I am right now
doesn't talk to those people anymore
and I can hardly remember
what it felt like
to be in her shoes,

and all I really have
is knowing things
about the people
that they used to be.





*CVT
Nov 2013 · 874
What are friends?
Cece Nov 2013
When I was six years old
I went trick or treating
with my mom and my neighbor Lexi.
I was a scarecrow
and she was a princess.

At age fourteen
I went trick or treating
with my best friend Mikayla
dressed up as a witches.
We were in middle school
and it was about the time
when we were starting to think
we were getting too old for this.

Age seventeen
I don't even remember what I wore.
But I went to a party
and got drunk
with twenty of my closest friends
and we all walked to McDonald's
at 3 am.

I am less than two months shy
of being nineteen years old
and I'm sitting in my college dorm
about to go to sleep.
I don't really have any friends.
I forget what fun is supposed to be like sometimes.


I miss smiling
at more than just
my boyfriend.





*CVT
Oct 2013 · 861
Get a better hobby
Cece Oct 2013
It *****
when the man you're in love with
is obsessed
with a *******
computer game.

It *****
that I just wanted to see him right now
but he'd rather play his game instead.

It *****
because I'm so ******* ******
and continue to act mad
even when I have already
let it go,
to try and prove a point.

You're almost ******* TWENTY YEARS OLD.                                                

It *****
that I care so much

but it ***** even more
than he won't stop.


But
if this is the worst thing
our relationship will have to endure
I think we're doing okay.




*CVT
Oct 2013 · 833
Zoned Out
Cece Oct 2013
My eyes feel dry and heavier than usual;
coffee didn't do too much for me today.

I haven't seen my roommate in a few hours,
so I'm sitting in the dark waiting for sleep to come.

The mini fridge below my lofted bed
sounds like an alien spaceship.
It's strangely soothing, though.

I left the **** window open
and now I'm freezing my *** off,
but the crisp air has a nice smell.

Someone on the third floor is running around
and laughing like an obnoxious twelve year old girl,
which makes me wonder -
when was the last time I laughed that hard?

The mini fridge stopped running,
and my roommate has returned.

Monday is almost over.






*CVT
Oct 2013 · 990
Fed Up
Cece Oct 2013
Constantly wanting to crawl out of my skin
because it is too much to bear;
a persistent reminder
of how I am continuing to fail
each day.

I wake up and stretch,
wishing I could stay like that.
I stand tall and pretend
that I don't care.

I was able to do it once
and I can do it again.

Mind over matter
is all I need to remember
and everything
will be okay.
Oct 2013 · 1.2k
Assumptions
Cece Oct 2013
I was supposed to be
the one who had
her **** together.

I was confident
that between us
I would be the one
who would have it easy this year

and it turns out
everyone is doing
     much
            better
than I.

Maybe I can fix the path
that I've been going through

I don't want to be the person
I thought that they would become.

Please
let me succeed.




                                                                                                            CT
May 2013 · 389
Last Summer
Cece May 2013
Maybe it's true
that things will never
be the same.

I get sad
thinking about
everything
and how I can't
experience it
ever again.

But I've been thinking
that maybe
I should be happy
that I lived through that
at all.

I am grateful
for the memories
we created
and I wish
that there could be
more to come

but I understand
why I will never
be accepted again,

and now I'm okay with that.
May 2013 · 1.4k
Senior Slide
Cece May 2013
My excitement
and antsy feet
came to a halt today;
I looked around the halls
that I will soon
no longer rush through.

My annoyance
and jaded mindset
quickly transformed;
a month from now
I will no longer be a part
of the building that flourished
some of my most cherished friendships.

I won't be able
to scoff at the freshmen
shuffling monotonously in front of me
while on my way to class
or be able to be grossed out
by the weird band kids making out
WHILE they are walking (I really don't get that).


It's almost over
and
it doesn't
seem
real.
Apr 2013 · 515
what will happen
Cece Apr 2013
She told me
you ignored her

She told me
you didn't care.

So she found someone
who gave her the attention
she wanted
and when she wanted it.

I told her
things would get better

Instead
she broke your heart
and you came to me.

And that
broke something inside her
beyond all repair.

My efforts
no longer held meaning.
I am now the enemy.

Its us against the world
that she somehow controls.

For me, you are more than enough.

But now that she has
'moved on'
I'm afraid
you'll want her back.

That I will be left falling
for someone
that is catching someone else.

And I will lose everything.



CT
Apr 2013 · 689
How To Breathe
Cece Apr 2013
everything

is a haze

my vision
is blurred

while
everything
moves

excruciatingly
slow.

a week feels like a month

and I dont want to talk to anyone
or even be around people at all.

it hurts to think of you
because waiting
is impossible.

and I feel faint
when I skim across
the thought
that I
can't kiss you
goodnight

I don't want to think
at all;                  
I don't want to exist.

I shut down
while you're away.

I hide
and wait
to become
human again.



CT
Mar 2013 · 503
Permanence
Cece Mar 2013
Perched upon my keyboard,
eager and ready to write,
my hands are unwilling
to move.

I can never think of
the right words
to say how perfect you are

without making them sound
like everything I've ever written.

I am ashamed that I have ever even
thought that I cared about
anyone else
in comparison to how I feel
when I see your face.

So I quit writing
Because I have nothing to say.
Not because you've given me nothing to feel
but because you have left me
permanently speechless.
Feb 2013 · 940
Past Present Future
Cece Feb 2013
It hasn't even been that long.
I'm already addicted
to the sound of your voice
to the curve of your smile
to the way your tilt your head

before you flash
that million dollar smile.


You are remarkable;

it makes me sick
to my stomach
knowing
that I thought
I liked
other people
before I met you.
Now everything
and everyone
before you
seems so
fake,
and forced.


Now, I don't give a ****
about anything in my past
for the first time in my life.
Because you are the first person
that I have ever met
to make me want to enjoy
the present.



                                                     ­                                                                 ­                              *CVT
Jan 2013 · 468
23 More Days
Cece Jan 2013
It hasn't even been three days
since your lips touched me last.

Something about the way we speak
and they way you've embedded yourself
inside of my head
      probing through my thoughts
gives me hope.

This could be the start of something beautiful.

I never thought that I would be the girl
waiting for a boy for return from college.
It takes too much strength, and wouldn't be
worth it, I thought.

Yet I didn't think twice.
I plunged into this
without a blink.

Why wouldn't I want to wait
twenty three days
for someone I've pined after
for years?


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Jan 2013 · 554
Tension
Cece Jan 2013
Finally being able to kiss
someone you've been
aching over
for years,

is bliss.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Jan 2013 · 978
Pretending You Still Care
Cece Jan 2013
Feeling someone painstakingly
nudge space between you
can evoke the most
helpless feeling
there is.

It's monotonous,
and excruciating.

There are no words to reverse
what you can feel
inevitably coming.

All you can do is sit
and engulf yourself in every
second you have left with him,
pleading with your eyes
to make him take his time.

But it always ends.
And when it does,
you hate yourself
for never being

good enough.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Jan 2013 · 867
And
Cece Jan 2013
And
I can still feel your hot breath
soaking through my detangled hair
when we embraced for the last time
and
I still have that gross popeye tshirt buried
underneath my bed, tucked away in the back
and
I can still feel my agitated cheeks
ocassionally scraping along your face
and
I can still taste the salt in my mouth
from when I knew that was going to be the last time
and
I still have our last goodbye
teetering on the tip of my tongue,
licking my way to the core.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Dec 2012 · 1.3k
Communication
Cece Dec 2012
Why did I make it stop
and ruin everything
I almost had...

I don't want you to be sorry
or feel bad for me.
I want you
to need me.

                   My eyes sting
and my throat burns

when you start to acknowledge me again.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Nov 2012 · 609
11/25/12, 10:32
Cece Nov 2012
"I wish I hadn't done it."

The stale, freezing wind dries my lungs
and I feel how hollow my body is
lacking the comfort of your arms.

"The reason I want to act like things are normal,
is because I wish they were."

Your final words nip at my skin
along with the icy breeze
through my cracked window.

"I'm sorry that it had to come to this."

My breaths are shallow and abrupt
this season, and they match how I felt
when we said goodbye
for the final time.

"Live long. Happy."


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Nov 2012 · 472
More About Him
Cece Nov 2012
Notice how miserable
you have made me

      and fix it.

I'm starting to forget
how fast my heart beat
when you ran your fingers through my hair
as I held my breath, trying not to cry.
But I know that I was shaking for days
after you left and it was all over.

I keep thinking that you're going to leave her
and everything will go back to the way it was,
but I know that isn't going to happen. Yet
something prevents me from accepting
this crucial detail.

I am terrified that I will never be happy without you.
Happiness begins to fill my body, until I think
about how ******* perfect you are. And once
I tell myself that I can't have that, everything else
is irrelevant. Then nothing will make me truly happy.
Only falsely felt, and for a slight moment
before I think of you.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Nov 2012 · 901
I'm Rubber, You're Glue
Cece Nov 2012
I ache for the days when the guilt
builds up inside of you,
and hope
that you tell her the truth.

I hope the things I say
pang your heart
in remembrance
of what we shared together.

I will forever be grateful
that I was able to experience
what it truly feels like
to care.

With the amount of love
I bear for you
comes so much hate.

I wish I was as evil
as some other people I know
so that I would be able to just
tell her
and end it all.

The hope
that some day
we might be together
is the glue that holds me together.
Cece Nov 2012
I hoped the time would come
when you would say,
"we need to talk."

I would get nervous
as you sat down next to me.
But instead                              
you would make my heart
skip a beat as you said,
"I broke up with her."

I've been waiting
to hear those words
for so long.                        
We would finally be together
and nothing could stop us.

But you never said that.            
And I don't think you ever will.

I will always pine
to hear those words
be uttered out of your
beautiful mouth,  

no matter what.
Nov 2012 · 594
Never say never
Cece Nov 2012
You cross my mind
less
and less
e v e r y
day.

                             And maybe I should be grateful
                             to not be constantly reminded
                             of so much pain
                             and sadness

Yet here I sit
with sorrow in my heart,

not because I miss you.
but
I am sitting here
with tears blurring my vision

because we aren't close enough
for me to miss you
anymore.
Nov 2012 · 706
Quiet
Cece Nov 2012
I smoke out the pain
and forget about how much it hurts.
let me laugh at nothing
to replace it just the same.

I'll sleep away the sorrow
instead of going out.
then at least I can dream
that I will see you tomorrow.

Starve myself away the urge to text you
so my mind is focused on weight.
maybe if I'm thin
you'll love me too.

I will never be able to hear your name
and not have my heart skip a beat.

The right side of my bed
will always remind me of you.
Nov 2012 · 637
No, this is all wrong.
Cece Nov 2012
Remember when you all told us
that we would still be best friends?

You didn't sugar coat it
and tell us that
nothing will change

because I mean
of course some things
were bound to change.

And we knew that.
I was prepared for some change.

But I don't even know
who you are anymore.

Not a single one of you.

And now I know
that nothing will go back
to the way it used to be.

We won't have those perfect nights
of getting us all together
and just

hanging out.

We've grown old and tired
of movie nights
and truth or dare.

We're doing what we said
we would never do.

We're drifting apart.

Us few that are left
can barely hold an interesting
conversation with one another

and yet

we all used to be
more than best friends
because

we were a family.


But just like in typical relationships these days
we've all gotten a divorce
and stopped loving
like we used to.
Nov 2012 · 1.2k
Goodnight and goodbye
Cece Nov 2012
I sat here
and I cried.

For hours
trying to comprehend
that I won't kiss you again

or lay my head on your chest
while cuddling in my bed

because you still chose her.
I've always known you would.

I cried
when you promised me
that I'll find someone better.
Someone that will make me happier.

because you are the best person
that I will ever know.

I cried
as I realized
that I may never feel
for another person
the way I do about you

because what we had
was real.

I cried
when you told me that
all you ever wanted to do
was to make me happy

And you were sorry
for making it come true

because you knew in the end
that this would fall through.


I cried
when we said
our last
'goodnight'

because I could tell
that it was the end.

I will never forget about you.
Oct 2012 · 1.7k
I'm A Piece of Shit
Cece Oct 2012
I never know when it's going to be
the last time that you're around.
We embrace in my over-sized bed
without making a sound,
and stare intently -
not only in each others eyes,
but at everything we can see.
Both pairs of eyes darting hard
across our faces, desperately
trying to memorize every crease,
every hair, and every freckle.
I bite my tongue to hold back the tears
as I break away my eyes
from your soul searching,
and you clench your furry jaw -
because you know
I'm hurting.

Whether we have ***, stay friends,
or stop talking completely -
              It will never get better...

      Not while you're with her.
Oct 2012 · 1.2k
Fancy Meeting You Here
Cece Oct 2012
Out of the corner of my eye
I see you sitting seven
rows up in the theatre.

It feels like it's been
years, since we've
seen each other.

My breathing is shallow
and I try to stop my blood pressure
from skyrocketing
as you strut down the stairs
to come say hello.

I hate the way you
stare into my eyes
and pierce my heart;
you whisper in my ear
how much you have missed me.
I hate the way you
give my arm
one final squeeze
before you wink at me
with that cocky grin,
and walk back to your seat.

It feels like nothing has changed.
And I wish it hadn't.
Cece Oct 2012
Everyone thinks
that you guys have
such a
picturesque
relationship.

I once thought so, too.
I admired how perfect
you two were together.

Things changed
when we got together.
How silly of me to hope
though, that we might work.

I at least thought when you told her
that I would have the satisfaction
of her breaking up with you.

But instead,
you resume your roles
of playing
the perfect couple.

And only I know you're faking it.
Oct 2012 · 991
F you guys
Cece Oct 2012
Once upon a time
          I wrote this poem

because my friends are mean
and said rude things on facebook.

la tee dah tee dah
insert deep poetic words

I hate you all.
(Grant, Jeff, and Emily.)

I'm a poetic genius, *****.
Oct 2012 · 452
Something Special
Cece Oct 2012
I had to take this survey
today at school.
And it asked me
how I wanted to
improve myself.

             So,
I've been thinking about that
   all day.

I'm tired of being forgotten
and abandoned;
nobody likes being picked last.

I want to be someones
primary choice.
Their number one.

         I have never experienced that,
                                       ya know?

I hope that some day
there will be someone out there
that is compelled
to experience me.

I want someone to have feelings towards me
like I will always have feelings towards you.
Oct 2012 · 677
Thief
Cece Oct 2012
Something about you
brought passion to my life
and made me love everything.

I cared
about
everyone.

       But when you left
you took away the sparkle
I had finally found
for the first time
in my life.

                       And I can't get it back
                                             without you.
Sep 2012 · 490
Beyond My Skin
Cece Sep 2012
You
are the first guy
that has ever touched
more
than just
my  b o d y.
We spoke today for the first time in exactly a week.
Sep 2012 · 436
Everything Is Gone
Cece Sep 2012
I don't want to forget
even though it hurts.

I love that I still remember
every word you said, and the
distinct aroma of your skin.

I think that forgetting
would be even worse.

Trying to move on is weakening me
to the width of a thread. But at least
I remember the curve to your grin.
Sep 2012 · 835
Downfall
Cece Sep 2012
there will always be a spot    
that I am trying to replace
which should be filled
only by you.
I know its    
silly to keep hope.
but I have to. Otherwise
I will cease to search for someone

as good as you
in the meantime.
Sep 2012 · 685
She's Okay
Cece Sep 2012
When
all
you hear
are words like

                                your best friend
      car accident
                                                        ­  jaws of death
                      engine fire
                                                            ­                       head on collision
     broken femur
                                   fifty-five miles per hour

you go into
the strangest

state
of mind.


I still can't breath quite right
six hours later.
Sep 2012 · 594
I Don't Love You
Cece Sep 2012
but I love the way you laugh, and
      how your eyes squint up,
       and you bare your teeth.

I love when I feel the warmth
    of your calloused hand
       hugging my cheek.

You know how you always seem
    to just, stare into my soul?
            I love that too.

But what I love the most about you
          is that I don't have to try,
                 to be anything.

I love how you can put me at ease,
     because that is something
       that no one else can do.


                                                           ­                                     I don't love you.
                                                            ­                                                                 ­       But I want to.
Sep 2012 · 629
Truth Be Told
Cece Sep 2012
I sit
and appear
unphased;

I love
the way
you see
right
through
my act.

          Truthfully,
                      we both know
                                  my heart melts

                                                          when you call me

                                                                        your little duckling.
Sep 2012 · 1.1k
Ordinarily Unique
Cece Sep 2012
You took interest to me
like a beautiful flower,
waiting for you.

Twinkling at my petals
and the essence of my soul,
you hold me close.

Breathing in
my scent
of adoration.

Why shouldn't
I blossom,
for the only person
that's taken the time
to pick me up
and put me in
such an intricate vase?
Sep 2012 · 1.0k
I'm Not Allowed
Cece Sep 2012
to care,
to have expectations,
to be jealous.

You're with her
for a reason.

I'm merely here
to pass the time

                                 while she's gone.


But hey,
I'll keep you company
for as long as you want me to.
Second best
is better
than worst.
Cece Sep 2012
I know you cant
take me out to eat.
Or go see a movie with me,
because
people will see.
And people will talk.

So our relationship
resides in my room.
And the backseat of your car.

Our dates consist of going
to the taco bell drive through,
and sitting in the parking lot
talking about everything.

So for now, I'm okay with sneaking around.
As long as I get to spend time
with you.
Sep 2012 · 630
You'll Never Be Mine
Cece Sep 2012
I can pretend that I
am the one you want.
But I know your heart
lies with her.

And I know that I act
so cavalier
and nonchalant.
I feel like
I am about to end
what we never were.

The truth is though,
I care more than you think.
More than just "friendship",
and not all fun and games.

But I see your face
every time I blink.
And all I want to do
is scream your name.

You make me feel
perfect.
You make me feel
like I am the only girl.

But the fact that you say
that nobody better suspect
                                             we're together,
                           makes me want to hurl.
Sep 2012 · 1.3k
Masochism
Cece Sep 2012
I know how this will end.
Brokenhearted, and filled
with guilt.

That
won't stop me, though.

I keep going.
Pushing, and hoping.
Longing for something more.

I haven't felt
anything, in
so
long;
I'm willing to
take the risk
of pain.

I only hope the suffering
doesn't come soon.
Aug 2012 · 594
Cotton Wood
Cece Aug 2012
I open the front door
while the autumn breeze
trickles in,
as I lay
with my face against that
faded yellow pillow case.

I watch
as the snow floats
off of the tree
and hovers in the air.

Look, how the leaves
dance on their branches.
They shine
they laugh
and settle back to sleep.
Aug 2012 · 447
I'm stuck in my own head.
Cece Aug 2012
I keep ignoring
all of my friends calls
and text messages.


          and
     I                     just
  
                                      wish I knew why.
Aug 2012 · 792
Slacking
Cece Aug 2012
A while back
I talked about
crunch time.
and in all honesty
it really wasnt that
long ago
      that I cared.

but I
dont
anymore.  Not
because
its what
I decided
consciously. But
more so
it was just
one of those things
that
                  happened.

the dreaded month
is here.

and nothing
is how
I presumed
it would be.

instead of being
scared
or
sad
or
anything
expected,
normal -
                         i dont care.

I feel empty
and unemotional,

which is
weird
for me.

typically,
feeling

is all that I know how to do.


                 I guess that's gone,
                                               too.
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