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jon 7h
I saw his name
And everything around me changed

Blurred vision
Healed wounds becoming a fresh incision

I can’t breathe
But I couldn’t leave

Survival instincts
Thoughts of wishing I was extinct

Racing thoughts
I cannot connect the dots

Your name
Is my downfall rain

The kind I dread
Sometimes I can’t get out of bed

You see the outside and think I’m acting stupid
But let me sit you down and tell you what he did

Maybe but it depends
Maybe you’ll understand then.
My experience at work when I saw my abusers name.
Jul 2 · 517
jon Jul 2
Airports are filled with lonely people longing for their long distance lover, business men traveling for work, and wanderlust travel.
The last time I picked someone up from the airport he didn’t know how much inside me I needed to unravel.

And I didn’t know the emotional baggage he had brought along.
At first it was lovely, it was everything I wanted and more…feeling love, and sleeping next to someone who accepted me even when I was wrong.

Then, it got ugly, we started fighting and screaming at each other,
I started drinking heavily to numb myself one after another.

One night he told me to hit him, and I unclenched all the madness inside of me, emotionally I was bleeding out.
He still stayed and reminded me every day that I was okay, I was safe, and explained the things I knew nothing about.

That was then and this is now, I see airports and become sick to my stomach feeling devastation.
I hate how all of it feels, and it feels like the extra luggage you don’t need on vacation.

It’s like I was dreaming the whole time and sometimes I want to reach out.
We knew each other like the back of our hands, he made my heart dance but now I can’t stand in crowds at the airport because I drown in my feelings.
May 21 · 478
High school Sweetheart
jon May 21
Over the years I’ve heard that when a person is up at 3 am they’re either lonely or in love
I wonder which one I fall under from the two choices from above
When it’s all said and done I planned the perfect day for us, we’re gonna have some fun
Suddenly I wake up it was just a day dream, you were right there about to be in my grasp, how lovely that would be
I’d listen to you all night, my hands tracing your body, feels like ecstasy, and if you let me I’ll explore and hit all the right spots
I love the way you play during the day, you’re such a good girl who does a lot for her people without a thought
You’ve been so good and I’m proud of you, do you know what that means? You get to indulge yourself with a little treat
Staying up all night with the bright night light so I can remind you there’s light in the darkness
There’s a fire inside me and I’m pretty sure you’re the one who sparked it

Laying in bed next to someone but still feeling alone while I’m a low key mess
I’m not completely alone because I have one of my favorite girls always with me, Mary Jane to ease the daily pain
I’m off on an adventure to escape my life, gain a new experience that feels right, and explore the earth’s landscape
I’m thinking of our memories in high school, I try not to let them get the best of me but it’s hard when I’m feeling lonely
I remember our first kiss, the way we used to reminisce, and the way you used to love me
We were young and naive, back then I really ****** up, I begged you not to leave me
I didn’t mean to hurt you so bad, I was thrown into the water early in life, I didn’t know how to swim so I was slowly drowning
I’m speaking metaphorically just in case you don’t know, it’s a comparison of how I wasn’t taught to love properly
Not making any excuses I just want you to see my perspective and retroactively introspect it
I’ve been opening up lately and I want you to know how much I’ve grown by going to therapy to take a break from life and reflect on it
We’ve both changed and matured since then but there are qualities of you that remain and they’re the ones I’ve always loved
I miss our walks, the way we would tease one another, I loved to kiss you in the pouring rain, sometimes biting your lip a little rough
I miss your lips, and holding your hand just because I can and the way we were there for each other when push comes to shove
I’m lucky to have crossed paths with you because sometimes I desire another chance and I have two left feet but I’d dance with you if you wanted me to
No matter what I’ve done you never think less of me and that’s one of my favorite things about you
The days where we would pull each other out of our sadness and straight into a kind of love madness
You’re one of a kind and a lovely distraction, when our eyes meet that’s law of attraction
I love everything about you I don’t know where to begin or even start, like my mom and dad, you’re my high school sweet heart.
May 17 · 337
Mental issues
jon May 17
My momma always tried her hardest
Growing up I made decisions that weren’t the smartest
Yet she’s still trying the best she can,
Depression hits, I know for her it’s the toughest.
She beats herself up.
Now, that is the roughest.
The past is the past but I don’t control what she does
I know because sometimes she lets things slip out in the mornings when we drink coffee from my favorite cup.
Life isn’t what it was.
Life is what it is.
I often reminisce on the best memories we have and when I think of life now, all I can say is what the ****?

It’s depression;
But it’s also me fighting myself and I hit so hard I end up in the hospital where I find my repression
Of all the emotions I numb out.
I can feel it through my body and that’s a knockout defeat for me.
I feel like life’s doubt.
If life were actually alive, I wonder if it’d survive.
Tina, please help me forget about life.
One inhale is all it takes to feel alright.
Make me forget about everything at least for the night.
I have mental issues but you can help by actually following through.
Hold on, I’m a little emotional I might need a tissue.

It’s bipolar;
People tell me to calm down.
When I’m manic I’m no where to be found.
The thoughts inside my head scream so ******* loud.
Trust me, my mood swings are the worst to be around.
I keep fighting but end up with my *** on the ground.
My insides are tearing themselves apart and it’s a constant war zone between my head and heart.
I don’t know when this all began, all I know is that my emotions control me and that leaves my fuel tank empty.

Theres the manic episodes;
The highs and lows of my constant panic mode,
The hypersensitive, the hypersexual, and my inability to be flexible,
My manic episodes lead me down a twist and turn road,
They take me for a ride and let me cry for weeks in my bed,
They let me talk about what’s going on inside my head,
They won’t lock me up for wishing I was dead,
My manic episodes don’t care they destroy and they constantly bulldoze.

It’s the anxiety;
The constant fear and worry.
The wondering if someone’s going to hate me because I’m in the clear.
The scorpions in my stomach, stinging me.
It’s crippling.
It’s worrying.
I can’t do anything.
Thats codependency but I need it.
I need you mostly and another hit.

It’s the brain injuries;
I can’t remember a **** thing.
I only remember strange little details like peoples clothing and if they’ve worn it for consecutive days.
I haven’t always been this way and I don’t feel okay.
I can’t make phone calls.
I can’t make my bed without getting too inside my head,
I get lost easily and then no one can find me.
I can’t remember the days anymore it’s like my brain is shutting doors and
My eyes are waterfalls all because I can’t make one call.

It’s the grief;
I still can’t believe they’re all dead.
I only have spiritual conversations with them or when I’m hallucinating off drugs.
I miss everyone’s love, especially my dads last hug.
So I do a drug to forget the pain but now I’m getting so high I can’t remember my own name or the day.
I know I have nothing to gain from my actions but I don’t care and I don’t know how to
Without you.

Most of all it’s the trauma;
Others call it drama when they don’t love you, They’re rough and tough.
Well, I’ve had enough of,
They try to bubble wrap you, I’ve done some stupid things so I would too.
I can’t get out on the outside to look inside because my eyes are always dodging contact.
Trauma is a gateway, some days you’re so dysfunctional even your own lawyer stops and asks if you’re okay.
Small little fact; we’ve only talked on the phone, never in person. Just when I was in jail alone where the world denies that I’m male.
If I were to weigh my trauma there’s not a big enough scale and the only one I see nowadays is when I abuse myself and pick up.
When I go there, my thoughts turn back to having coffee with my momma from my favorite cup.
Excerpt of how my mental struggles affect me.
May 9 · 596
jon May 9
Ever since you left
I don’t know what to do but I’m surprised I haven’t ran
I don’t know what comes next
I can still feel your hands
Must be muscle memory
Perhaps a new feeling for nerve endings
I’m lost, you caught me in a trance
I can’t deal with it, true
I want to hold you
I need your touch, how lovely that would be
I want to hold your hands and hear you love me
You make my heartbeat dance and skip a beat
I could talk to you for hours
Remember the night you got me flowers
It was as sweet as the blush wine
I poured for us both
I’m missing you the most
And without your hands in mine
It’s phantom pain and I don’t mean to whine

Are you still there?
Always said I wouldn’t beg for you to talk to me
But here we are, do you even care?
Put yourself in my shoes and try to see
Where I’m coming from
Love is in the air and I want some

Your hands, I want to hold
All this waiting is getting old
I know I’m broken
It’s been a while since we’ve spoken
Did I mention that I need to hold your hand?
****, you’ve got me stuck in a trance
I love you, do you love me?
I guess we will wait more and see
Hours pass by, I remember your beautiful eyes
I beg you please be done with all your lies
So, I can truly love you like nobody else
Don’t get the idea that I won’t love myself
No lies
You would be one of my hardest goodbyes
I’m tired and don’t want to wast any time
I love you
Promise you, my words are true.
I miss you.
Apr 8 · 393
A moms love
jon Apr 8
I’m toxic
A little psychotic
I take zyprexa, an anti-psychotic, I don’t know if it’s working
My own fault though, I keep self medicating
I take the pills they prescribe and they help but not when my mind is racing
Speed, it’s ironic really
Because it slows me down and I am able to function
I can show affection and my emotions seep out of my bones
But it causes everyone to leave me alone
Is it my fault? Is it something misdiagnosed?
I don’t know, I only know how I feel and I use when I don’t know how to deal
Life is roaring rapids, I fall out and slowly drown from what has a hold of me
I don’t know what else to do but self medicate
Its another thing I use, a crutch
When I can’t stand by myself and don’t reach out to anyone else
I’ve lost my mind, I tell everyone I’m fine
I’m always thinking of a line whether it be drugs or a rhyme
I’m not kind on the come down and I hate my entire being when I’m rude to my mom
If I were to have a clone I’d beat the **** out of myself and tell her what’s really wrong
She makes sure I have what I need especially when I wretch my sadness all over the floor
She never shuts the door in my face when I need a place, without her I would be misplaced
One night she was shrieking and it doesn’t matter that she was drinking
The feelings were in the air, they were something tangible that I could grasp without being an ***
I saw sadness, rejection, neglect, frustration, anger although it’s a secondary emotion and that’s what she uses to mask her raw emotions
I saw hatred, not for me, but the addict inside me
She’s the only one who doesn’t call me crazy, she lays in bed with me when I feel like I’m not in control
She does breathing exercises with me when I really just want to fall
I make a lot of commotion and she still loves me as her son
I am all of the above when on drugs, my heart still hurts but I’m full on love
My family and friends have been pouring it into me and that’s the only thing keeping me going
I’ve said it once, but I’ll say it again, without the love there’s no reason to be alive.
Without the love, it’s failure to thrive.
Without the love, I won’t survive.
My mom is my rock, she keeps me steady and let’s me take my time to tell her when I’m ready. This is for her.
Jan 15 · 277
Dopesick journey
jon Jan 15
I don't know what the **** I'm doing with my life,
All I know is I'm higher than a kite.
I can't think straight, the thoughts are taking over my mind,
I can't unwind.
I closed the door, i don't care what you think anymore.
I barricade myself in my head, trapped inside my dark room and crying in bed.
It makes my family sad, they make me feel guilty.
They're sad, yeah, just imagine how I'm ******* feeling.
Emotions are crazy, my lifestyle is hazy and yes I know it's my fault when I go.
I'm self destructive, I want to know what it feels like to be alive.
Because I'm just surviving,
Always fantasizing,
You can laugh and think my writing is stupid,
You have no idea what the **** I've been through.

I've been to hell and back, seen a lot of action.
I'm always looking for a **** distraction.
This is the second part, I'm about to open my heart and open the door.
I'm not smoking dope anymore and I'm getting help from everyone.
I finally feel like I've won.
You can get lost in life easily, and do things that leave you empty.
Some people will have sympathy but most will have empathy.
I lost myself but I found someone new, and I can't wait to see what this person can do.
So many people saying, "I'm proud of you."
I'm proud of me too, that's how I feel.
This journey is how I know God is real.
Dec 2020 · 255
jon Dec 2020
I cannot seem to think on my own.
People think for me and I feel alone.
But without them I would not be around.
I hear a voice in the background.
I say background but do I mean it?
I don't, its probably just another memory slip.
Wait, I do mean it.
But instead, it's all in my head.
My best friend is my bed.
I gotta get in the booth and get emotions recorded.

Everything is distorted.
Things start to move.
I become someone else.
A new person. A new identity.
New everything.  
The whole works. I wish i was dead.
They tell me it's in my head.
I'm gonna survive. I know it look like I'm being lazy.
I promise I'm trying, my head is crazy.
I know I'm not but they don't.
And I know they won't.
When episodes occur,
I just lay in bed,
Still staying in my head.
I do nothing but pick it back up.
Whether it be crystal or my double cup.
My person calls this
Type of cycle insanity.
I love her, my family, she is all I have.
Without the love,
I would be gone.
Without the love,
There would be no me.
I need her just as much
As she needs me.
Without the love,
I do not thrive.
Without the love,
I will not survive.
Without the love,
You can push and shove
And not get anywhere.
I'm so lost in my head,
I don't even know my own way out.
I only know the way to my bed.
Momma knows best as I lay my head to rest.
Nov 2020 · 335
jon Nov 2020
I hate sleeping.
I stay up all night if I can.
I hate everything.
Because of a man,
Who hurt me,
Who touched me,
Who took away my
He showed up
In people you may know
On Facebook.
The other day
But the other day was months ago
Now its October, and I can barely remember saying hello.
On autopilot but completely distraught.
And I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm not close to sober but close to home.
Close to home.
I saw his picture and it hit close to home.
I was disgusted to see what I saw.
I saw he had more children.
I saw he had a wife.
I wanted to send him a message but
I didn't.
If I did;
I would tell him he took away my innocence, he took away something I can never get back, and I'm bleeding like I did back then.
My heart hurts.
Everything hurts.
The debauchery of it all is he looked happy and that made me crumble.
That's why I fumble, mumble, also stumble into whatever.
That's why I'm scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
I can hear the decibels because I'm always on look out for the sound of his foot steps.
I can feel the footsteps vibrate the room.
I can feel my bed shaking when I'm trying to sleep.
PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder.
Trauma is the gateway drug. Trauma ***** up the way you love.
I need a break to figure out why I hurt.
I know this is one but there is more I need to unpack.
Unpack and track.
Unpack and get myself back.
I hope you know the pain you caused me
Oct 2020 · 352
Just let me breathe;
jon Oct 2020
I'm not afriaid to die, I don't necessarily wanna be alive
I used to think I could never take my life and leave my family hanging, but I can't help this pain from my heart aching
One day it'll be alright that's what I keep hearing, but they ain't there when my mind is goin crazy
I didn't ask for this but if you did I'd say its ******* *******

Speeding through traffic, thinking to myself I want to let go of the wheel
My thoughts are suicidal, my manic mind is my one true rival
I didn't grow up with the best role models, hold up gimme a sec, I gotta finish this bottle
Faded as **** to numb my mind, with every sip I unwind
Blurred vision, slurred words, that's my negative grind
Turn around look up and feel the vibes, starry skies are my favorite nights.

Mary Jane and Tina ease the daily pain, but I also love smokin c
It puts so much strain on my body, and thoughts on my mind that're draining me
Thank the higher power or whatever the ***** out there for my family
The love they have for me helps me spiritually and emotionally
I'm talking about my mom mostly, she's my person

I appreciate it, through all the conflict
There's no resist when I need somethin
I can always count on her, I know I can get overwhelmed in this realm we call life
But that's when I grab my pipe and break a bud off the stem, smoke it, become myself again
I'm not stuck anymore, I'm free to be me  
I've dreamt of this reality because my childhood felt like an eternity
It's gonna be alright cuz the people all around got me
All this anxiety and in constant panic mode,
Some days you just gotta breathe and get through, just do you
No counting the seconds or minutes, stay present within your surroundings even if you feel like you're drowning
Deep breathing to know that you are okay, and that your soul is at peace for the day
My feet standing their ground, I'll make it sound with each step
Just let me do me, just let me breathe.
Oct 2020 · 418
I miss you
jon Oct 2020
You're not obligated to tell me why..
You're not obligated to do anything by me.
But when you left me without a doubt
No reason, I didn't think I could live without.
You were my sun, my moon, and all my stars.
I'm not gonna lie that **** hurt and of course you know me I ******* cried.
I still reach out,
It's almost been a year since we last talked.
I don't know how to feel most of the time.
I wish I could talk to you.
You don't respond to me and I know its because you think I'm crazy.
Talked to your mom the other day she said you were in treatment and I hope you're okay, at least near.
I'm waiting on a bed, to get out of here, to get out of my head, and away from the clear.
Even though you probably don't think of me.. I still love you dearly.
Mar 2019 · 542
jon Mar 2019
I don't think you get it.
Everyone else gets it.
You don't need to love life.
You need to learn from your lessons.
Feb 2019 · 287
jon Feb 2019
I never feel the right emotions when people want me to.
It's like being deaf and trying to understand someone screaming at you.
I can't read lips.
an excerpt of how I'm feeling recently..
Jan 2019 · 470
jon Jan 2019
My thoughts
They are messed up
Am I messed up?
Say anything please, anything at all.
I just want to hear a familiar voice
I also want to know what's out there
Will you please talk to me?
Will you just give me one moment?
And then I promise, you can go
Until then your voice... will suffice
I don’t understand human needs
I never have
I didn't choose this
It’s as if they’ve chosen me all along
You chose me
You would never say though, would you?
You keep your thoughts inside that mind
How do you have the mental capacity?
Messy thoughts
It won’t let those thoughts out.
You’re guarded, why are you guarded?
Who made you suffer?
Made you the way you are...
Because even though it aches, it made you
so beautiful
Flawless, without effort
If you knew me before everything.
If we were together in another life.
My lips sewn shut, my hands bound
And my thoughts are disoriented.
A current excerpt of how I'm feeling right now.
Jan 2019 · 235
Please Catch Me
jon Jan 2019
I don't know what it is about you
That makes me want to move
We can climb it together
I hope the feelings mirror
You are so many things
Best of all
Is your personality
I think I'm falling
But if I do
Please catch me

C. H.
Jan 2019 · 445
jon Jan 2019
is laying in bed 'til 2 p.m.
thinking about everything else
that you could be doing


— The End —