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jon Nov 2020
I hate sleeping.
I stay up all night if I can.
I hate everything.
Because of a man,
Who hurt me,
Who touched me,
Who took away my
Childhood.
He showed up
In people you may know
On Facebook.
The other day
But the other day was months ago
Now its October, and I can barely remember saying hello.
On autopilot but completely distraught.
And I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm not close to sober but close to home.
Close to home.
I saw his picture and it hit close to home.
I was disgusted to see what I saw.
I saw he had more children.
I saw he had a wife.
I wanted to send him a message but
I didn't.
If I did;
I would tell him he took away my innocence, he took away something I can never get back, and I'm bleeding like I did back then.
My heart hurts.
Everything hurts.
The debauchery of it all is he looked happy and that made me crumble.
That's why I fumble, mumble, also stumble into whatever.
That's why I'm scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
I can hear the decibels because I'm always on look out for the sound of his foot steps.
I can feel the footsteps vibrate the room.
I can feel my bed shaking when I'm trying to sleep.
PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder.
Trauma is the gateway drug. Trauma ***** up the way you love.
I need a break to figure out why I hurt.
I know this is one but there is more I need to unpack.
Unpack and track.
Unpack and get myself back.
I hope you know the pain you caused me
jon Oct 2020
I'm not afriaid to die, I don't necessarily wanna be alive
I used to think I could never take my life and leave my family hanging, but I can't help this pain from my heart aching
One day it'll be alright that's what I keep hearing, but they ain't there when my mind is goin crazy
I didn't ask for this but if you did I'd say its ******* *******

Speeding through traffic, thinking to myself I want to let go of the wheel
My thoughts are suicidal, my manic mind is my one true rival
I didn't grow up with the best role models, hold up gimme a sec, I gotta finish this bottle
Faded as **** to numb my mind, with every sip I unwind
Blurred vision, slurred words, that's my negative grind
Turn around look up and feel the vibes, starry skies are my favorite nights.

Mary Jane and Tina ease the daily pain, but I also love smokin c
It puts so much strain on my body, and thoughts on my mind that're draining me
Thank the higher power or whatever the ***** out there for my family
The love they have for me helps me spiritually and emotionally
I'm talking about my mom mostly, she's my person

I appreciate it, through all the conflict
There's no resist when I need somethin
I can always count on her, I know I can get overwhelmed in this realm we call life
But that's when I grab my pipe and break a bud off the stem, smoke it, become myself again
I'm not stuck anymore, I'm free to be me  
I've dreamt of this reality because my childhood felt like an eternity
It's gonna be alright cuz the people all around got me
All this anxiety and in constant panic mode,
Some days you just gotta breathe and get through, just do you
No counting the seconds or minutes, stay present within your surroundings even if you feel like you're drowning
Deep breathing to know that you are okay, and that your soul is at peace for the day
My feet standing their ground, I'll make it sound with each step
Just let me do me, just let me breathe.
jon Oct 2020
You're not obligated to tell me why..
You're not obligated to do anything by me.
But when you left me without a doubt
No reason, I didn't think I could live without.
You were my sun, my moon, and all my stars.
I'm not gonna lie that **** hurt and of course you know me I ******* cried.
I still reach out,
It's almost been a year since we last talked.
I don't know how to feel most of the time.
I wish I could talk to you.
You don't respond to me and I know its because you think I'm crazy.
Talked to your mom the other day she said you were in treatment and I hope you're okay, at least near.
I'm waiting on a bed, to get out of here, to get out of my head, and away from the clear.
Even though you probably don't think of me.. I still love you dearly.
Riah
  Mar 2019 jon
galaxy of myths
My fingers crawl to
the loneliest place when I
want and miss you most.

-m.b
jon Mar 2019
I don't think you get it.
Everyone else gets it.
You don't need to love life.
You need to learn from your lessons.
  Mar 2019 jon
tobi
it can be so incredibly amazing
yet so incredibly isolating
to realize you’re one of a kind
and no one will understand your mind
daily struggle
  Mar 2019 jon
Blake
Don’t tell me you Understand
Not until you’ve stared at a blank wall
With a blank face
For hours
And cried
Not until you’ve felt
Every little piece inside you break
And instead of feeling pain
Or sadness
You’re numb
Not until you’ve slit your wrists
Not trying to die
But not minding
If you do
Not until you’ve watched blood
Drip down your arm
And thought
It’s a nice colour
Not until you’ve done stupid stunts
And dangerous acts
Just to feel
Alive
Not until you’ve seen inside my head
The thoughts that live there
And tried
To die
Not until you’ve seen and felt
What I have
In this life
Will you ever understand

Don’t tell me you Understand.
Because you don’t.
I don’t
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