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Sep 2020 · 198
Drunk poem 02.
Tonya Cusick Sep 2020
Another wasted thought in my convoluted  head.
Another pillow to cry in, on my fold out bed.
Another reason to miss
The sweet solace,
Of your touch,
I miss it much.
Another day wishing I was enough.
Just a snazzy little zinger I wrote when drunk.
Mar 2019 · 267
Untitled
Tonya Cusick Mar 2019
Anger it’s pulling the strings,
Makes me do and say these things,
I promise I don’t mean it,
If my tongue would let me hold back,
It would.
But the urge inside me, the rage it boils and toils within’ me.
I am the captive and captain to these angry puppet strings.
And every last thread defines me.
This anger puppeteer.
Nov 2017 · 445
Nicole
Tonya Cusick Nov 2017
She picks and plays on my guitar,
While I lay.
Here in this room where we share intamacy, laughter, and many of these moments that make my heart warm again.
I was looking for a lover,
You were looking for a friend.
I was seeking abroad,
When you fell into me.
Like a ship I was capsized,
But you were the first to dive in the water.
Diving straight into me.
Deep blue love.
Oct 2017 · 268
---
Tonya Cusick Oct 2017
---
She is fire.
Burning delight.
She is every thought.
Running through my mind at night.

She is beautiful,
Even with the etches she carved in her skin, all a reminder of whom to not let in.
She is so much more than she knows.
And I'm going to be the one to show her just that.
Be prepared for greatness my love.
Hold on tight.
Sep 2017 · 326
Maranda
Tonya Cusick Sep 2017
Movement,
The way your body sways in its own rythmatic unison, hypnotising me.
Beautiful, porcelain poison.
You gaze with allurmemt in each pupil, pulling me in.
I am taken away by your bewilderment ways.
I am falling in love with you day by day.
Sweet porcelin love.
Jun 2017 · 309
7-22-17
Tonya Cusick Jun 2017
Ever just lay awake in bed?
Tossing and turning to the thoughts that correlate in your own head?
Eating and melting the memories you left behind, trying to U
                                 N
                                     W
                                          I
                                              N
                                                   D
                                                         ..
trying to escape from this beautiful mind.
Maybe you're better off dead..
Or maybe thoughts are better left un-said..
Jun 2017 · 338
Hannah
Tonya Cusick Jun 2017
Take my breath away,
With every gasp of air.
It's not a containable feeling,
Not one I can bare.
So serenade me in your sweet love affair.
Beautiful serendipity.
Feb 2017 · 871
Acid bath.
Tonya Cusick Feb 2017
She bathed me in acid.
My skin like goo.
She made me her victim, and I to her too..
The aroma arose, with rancid smell.
You could taste the chemicals,
flesh burning and peeling..
making hell have, An whole other meaning.
With sweet ease she poured me, on her skin.
So we could be one, in unison.
She bathed me in her acid love.
Jan 2017 · 336
I can't do this anymore.
Tonya Cusick Jan 2017
Draining my stresses, my problems down this whiskey bottle, grabbed my car keys, headed down main street, my foot laid on the throttle.
Not thinking of the consequences, not caring for another tomorrow.
How could anyone ever love or miss, a ******* like me.
Bottle in my hand, foot on the throttle, **** it, I'm done!!
Maybe you will apprrciate me when I'm gone.
**** it.
Oct 2016 · 558
The distance in between.
Tonya Cusick Oct 2016
Cutting like a knife,
Sharp are your words of disdain.
I feel the nastalgic haze of my own nonchalant demeanor seep in through me like an acidic ooze.
There is nothing more than just my heart in the pit of my stomach.
I caress my cold shoulder, the way I imagine you would do.
But you do not see my signals,
This want, and need from you,
It is your touch my heart burns for...
But all I recieve in return is your neglect towards my urges,..
No burning hot touches to arose me,
No exploration of each others body.
Just this bed. And us in it.
When will she love me again?..
This distance in between us.
Jul 2016 · 284
Lead head.
Tonya Cusick Jul 2016
Sometimes I hold the gun to my head, loaded and cocked. Safety off and my finger on the trigger. Hoping for the courage,  maybe something bigger.
PULL IT! PULL IT!
I repeat in my head.
Maybe sometimes all we need is just a little lead.
May 2016 · 279
5 a.m. drunk poem.
Tonya Cusick May 2016
Nothing makes sense, This blunder I'm in.
I'm ******* drunk and it's almost 5 a.m.
You think it's easy to be ******* me?
They call me their rock, but no rock is what I see.
Piece by ******* piece I give myself to every last one of you! But what do you do?
Keep me imprisoned, un-freed.
All of you just ask for more..
This has been to much for me.
I have taken on, too much to handle..
I've lost myself.. I've ******* lost myself.
Why light a torch when you're just a burning candle?
May 2016 · 412
What have we done?
Tonya Cusick May 2016
Now I lay myself to sleep,
I pray your mind comes back, my sweet.
As I lay here and dream of you,
My tears start to fall all in a slew.
Down my face the pain it spreads,
Your in my heart, you're in you head.
I know this choice is for the best,
So for now I'll numb this loneliness.
What have we done?
May 2016 · 300
My demons are my muse.
Tonya Cusick May 2016
I break and deteriorate everything I love,
Once a beautiful flower, now a withering wilted rotted carcass of petals that lay.
It breaks me inside, piece by piece, I can't fix this. The demons in me.
May 2016 · 200
Some people
Tonya Cusick May 2016
There is just some places you won't fit in,
Some people you just can't win.
There's just some people.
Mar 2016 · 266
...
Tonya Cusick Mar 2016
...
My last cigarette,
Burned to the stub.
A roar of panic,
Settling in.
Like waves they crash against my strong-will to disdain and discomfort me.
How unsettling.
Withdrawals are the worst.
Must make love to the addiction.
One.
Last.
Time.
Mar 2016 · 349
OCd
Tonya Cusick Mar 2016
OCd
Ever since I was a girl.
I knew what it felt like to do good, to be genuinely good. In return, I humbled myself at seeing the glistening faces of glee looking at me.
But in the reflection of their pearlesent whites, I had gazed upon my smile an mixture of dispear.
Counciously conversating with myself what I did that day. Critizing what I could have done better.
Everyday is like this for me, there will be no end. Hand in hand we walk, my sickness,
my friend.
Critism welcome.
Tonya Cusick Feb 2016
I don't see the resemblemce,
to this person in the mirror.
Who plays and arrays all of my thoughts,
the voice ringing through my ears.
I don't recognize myself anymore,
I don't think I want to..
I'm in fear.
Not of who is near,
but who is it? This person.
Inside of here?
Lonely and knocking on your back door.
Nov 2015 · 279
Hopeless lover
Tonya Cusick Nov 2015
Laying here,
In my bed, while visions of you flow like liquid through my head.
I caress my skin, like I imagine you would do,
but how could someone ever love me like you?
I feel the hurt in my gut begin to form,
Bubbling and oozing inside of me like a storm.
When it subsides, I hope I'm no longer.
No longer than a mere' regret.
I hope you get what you get.
Laying here in my bed, holding this razor in my hand,
Here I go.. Into velvet oblivion.
The last poem of a hopeless lover.
Nov 2015 · 348
Artificial.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2015
Feeling's like this.
What is real?
Where is the bliss?
My soul it ****'s.
Out come's the blood, it spills, it spills.
Being pumped with these artificial feeling's,
So surreal.
Fed false faith and archaic hope.
Do yourself a favor,
tie finely together your rope.
A noose to end it all, a noose to have your problems weigh.
A noose to be the solution at the end of the day.
Life is Artificial.
Oct 2014 · 426
destruction
Tonya Cusick Oct 2014
We don't have much,
But this mess.
Sometimes we clean it up, but by the next day we've unfolded it again.
The destruction of a bitter sweet love  manifestation.
Let's lay in pieces together.
Sep 2014 · 381
Crystal
Tonya Cusick Sep 2014
Her name is Crystal,
A mystical Dame.
Walking with her has never been a shame.
She beckons to me and I run to her.
Leaving my nights in a deceiving blur.
The days run together and my life passes me by.
While I sit here and think to myself is she really the reason why?
Never to leave, yet never to hope, she is always here when I'm inhaling her down my throat.
Past my tonsils and into my lungs she has intoxicated me, and I am strung.
I've never felt such hopeless-ness, but when your flying with crystal you'll never have to feel again.
When shes gone, my absent feelings that once were submerged, begin to emerge and and surge through my veins.
Making me lose my mind again.
And then there is Crystal.
I will never have to hurt again.
Feb 2014 · 1.4k
My friend Ambivalence.
Tonya Cusick Feb 2014
Ambivalence is my friend,
Once a foe,
but I've sought and sorted through the feelings that swirl and whirl with every cranial nerve in my brain.
Causing the confusion and seclusion of our correlation.
Ending in my insanity.
Ending us.
The true cause to my destruction was the departure of my friend Ambivalence.
Jan 2014 · 468
2014.
Tonya Cusick Jan 2014
A new year has been brought,
through new eye's I've seen and sought,
my feeble trouble's, no longer a trouble no more.
My eager thought's spinning and turning,
until they can not turn no more.
A  new state of mind,
a new will,
a new way.
2014, what else can I say?
Dec 2013 · 400
I will ♥ you for ∞
Tonya Cusick Dec 2013
I always looked ☝ to you and never said anything to make you feel ☟
I would never intentionally hurt you to make you cry, or make you ☹
It is my job to keep you ☺ always here with me
I will ♥ you for ∞
Dec 2013 · 733
♛ I call her majesty. ♛
Tonya Cusick Dec 2013
A virtuous dame,
the woman on the throne.
A seductive game,
when we both are alone.
Her eyes with a glint,
had given me a hint,
that she is my queen and I am her affinity.
She is my best friend, and my wife to be.
I call her majesty. ❤
Dec 2013 · 659
The last masterpiece.
Tonya Cusick Dec 2013
Another finger tip,
another fine gentle brush of your skin.
Like a canvas you have painted this master piece.
Yet the pieces are made of me.
As the water colors start to run,
So do my emotions.
Or what is left of them.
I've really ****** up.
I've really ****** up.
I've really ****** up.
And now,
the canvas is complete.
First love,
gone.
First ****,
gone.
First soul mate,
gone.
I'm in pieces,
and soon I will be gone.
Dec 2013 · 401
Spinning
Tonya Cusick Dec 2013
I was dumb,
I was strung.
I was up then I was hung,
Step on the chair,
say a prayer,
and let go.
A floating spirit, I am from here to there.
It is fair, that suffer comes along,
From the choices I was coerced upon.
I have been reborn into satan's spawn,
And this is a rampage that I am on.
I was spun.
Nov 2013 · 452
It's the beginning.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2013
Family first,
Success second,
Futures bright,
Silver linings aligned across the never ending sun set.
In a world where you can not reverse the hands of time to a memory much more valuable than living  every day differently.
Feet planted firmly on the ground,
Fate that lays ahead.
While angels sing a song about the living dead.
And anguish burns brightly in afflicted and tormented hearts.
This is not the ending but only the start.
Nov 2013 · 933
Bitter
Tonya Cusick Nov 2013
There's a deep engulfing evil that I fear to know.
There's a physical suffering that I do not like to show,
and a pleasure I have learned to know is you.
Your disastrous fate, your someone I hate.

Losing you makes me stronger,
hating you makes me lust no more with the lingering of forbidden sickened thoughts.
I hunger for the Diamond,
thirst for the pain and attention,
cutting for the feel of perfection.
I'm not an image of good or bad.
I'm not invisible but you act like I am.
I'm not that perfect serain blade to your skin.
I'm not that last cut to make you feel better,
I'm the thought of you gone bitter.
Nov 2013 · 743
the addictive life.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2013
Stripping for ******,
Tripping on methamphetamine,
Falling in the cracks,
Letting them take ahold of me.
Finally at last,
Another bump to be free,
Another bump away from me.
Who am I?
Who am I?
Oct 2013 · 416
Un. 01
Tonya Cusick Oct 2013
There are monsters.


                         They smile at me every day,

          
                                                ­              They're people.

                                                  
     ­                                And to the heavens that we pray,


                        only hell is to hear us and we are to pay.
Oct 2013 · 1.3k
Wilted heart.
Tonya Cusick Oct 2013
A trickle of rain on a grey wilted sky,
A silver line of light shining oh so gay,
Another dry day,
another hour of pain for I.

A simple gesture in the morning,
a snuggle, a kiss.
Something my heart urns for,
my stomach churns for,
That feeling of being wanted,
not lusted.
Love is discusting.
A filthy trick,
Love is not love without lusting,
and the feeling of anguish will stick.
A day for the lonely wilted heart.
Oct 2013 · 484
making her love me.
Tonya Cusick Oct 2013
I never thought I would feel like this,
the sublime ecstasy in every kiss.
It cures me, makes me not so alone but should I fall for the girl?
Should I risk the chance, the change?
I'll wait for her while cupid makes the finest of arrows to make her love me.
Oct 2013 · 954
Repeat.
Tonya Cusick Oct 2013
Another face,
Another girl,
More legs,
More lips,
More ***,
More lust,
Mistaken for love,
and repeat.
Oct 2013 · 634
stitches
Tonya Cusick Oct 2013
Its the stitches you left the twining  and realigning of thread.
A scissor sliced through, and now my heart is into two.
The days I wasted, being your puppet, and you being the ventriloquist.
I quit. Do not pull my strings, do not leave me be, unless you plan to re assemble me.
For I am the broken puppet.
Sep 2013 · 619
Cold killer.
Tonya Cusick Sep 2013
It was the cuts on my hands,
that trailed down my wrist.
The cuts singing a song of pain and un-happiness.
It was the cruel careless tone in your words that portrayed and arrayed.
It was you who killed me, and tossed me away.
She's a cold heartless killer.
Aug 2013 · 986
Lusting structure.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
Her movement,
The movement of flames flickering in the slow distilled wind,
wind that is now raging in to a storm.
I will help her subside,
subside into me blindly.
Giving into my allurement and gaze,
I will have you soon, the structure of skin I lust after.
I will have you with satisfaction.
My  heart is in my mouth, against my teeth,
Breaking my precious white pearls and making them into disease.
Disease that has grown in me like a fungus.
The disease of lust.
Lusting after her structure.
Aug 2013 · 510
Do NOT Plagiarize.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
It's only best to write when the feeling's height,
that is when it is best.
Not when your thought's are singing a popular song, you feel as if you need to write along.
It comes from you, not someone else,
It comes from the silent heart, not a pair of head phones.
If you've plagiarized, you are not a writer, you are just another plagiarizing fool.
To the people who feel a need to rip off others work and claim it for their own.
You know who you are.(;
Aug 2013 · 1.2k
Tribulation.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
The tribulation of my early years have not brought me redemption,
but sought out the comfort I called karma and turned it against me.
I the one man army against the many bad things I have done,
They have now caught up with me and now I am in for the run of my life.
I have denied God and his existence, and to deny him, you are denying living,
there is definitely heaven and hell and I'm in between it.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
A bit of death,
a bit of life,
a little bit of loneliness can invite it into your life.
When in boredom and in doubt I take the glass and heat the spout.
I inhale and then in me I am one,
but without the red dragon being a part of me,
I am uncontrolably spun.
It races, it slithers through my veins,
causes a riot in my heart and my veins,
I have became the beast.
I have chased the Red Dragon.
Jun 2013 · 1.2k
The Scandal.
Tonya Cusick Jun 2013
Her lies, I believe them.
Her story, changes all the time.
I love her to much to disown her, because she is mine.
She doesn't want me, I can see so far,
She doesn't care because she's leaving me.
The scandal.
May 2013 · 3.3k
Hit by a grape and survived.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
It was squishy against my skull,
the green grape which was dull.
As it flung across the room and proceeded to zoom, zoom, zoom.
I was hit, forehead and on, with the grape that I survived from.
Hit by a grape.
May 2013 · 1.0k
Free Anarchy
Tonya Cusick May 2013
Nothing but drugs and violence on the television who tells us to be tyrants.
We aim to revolt,
They aim to be ready,
Keep the dream alive and our eyes steady.
Thick is the tension in the suspension of an all out revolution.
Breaking free from our government is the only solution of a new evolution of how to live and who to be.
Free for all,
All for anarchy.
May 2013 · 574
Around my head.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
In my ears and out the other side,
Out slipped another lie from your lips that spoke so innocent and convincing.
Keeping my emotions and thoughts tranquil and serene through the musky dark and dillusional day.
My gullible and trusting self should have seen past the facade you portrayed ever so magnificently.
I'm a fool for letting this go around my head.
May 2013 · 620
6 a.m.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
6 a.m. : wake up go to the bathroom, take a shower. Cry. Get out, dry off, get ready for school.
7:40 a.m.: put my shoes on, smoke, die a little.
8:30 a.m.: at school , hating every minute. Seeing her hurts.
3:30 p.m. : Get out of school, get high to get happy, Pass out, wake up.
6 a.m.
May 2013 · 890
Fuck us.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
*******, **** what you blame me for, **** your opinion it doesn't make a difference anymore.
Our future together was never solid, only like fluid supposedly of because what I did. You weren't perfect you have a billion flaws, it was me who listened and beckoned to your call. Whoever is next in line, I hope they don't waste their time. With a controlling, manipulating, and unfaithful, ungrateful monster like you. So say what you must to get over us but from the  beginning there was no trust, only young and wild hearts in love with lust. **** us.
May 2013 · 468
I am many.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
Nothing noetic,
no more poetic,
Living, breathing, human being.
I am the end of all meaning.
I am the death dealer,
the time healer,
my soul will be souring from life times on and on.
I am the aging and raging just to get another shot at being young.
I am many people, many things.
Maybe it's just my conscience who's gone insane.
I am many.
I know it ******* rhymes. Who cares.
May 2013 · 1.1k
Don't show me sympathy.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
I asked for it,
I really did.
I pushed you away because I could.
She was never toxic ,she never bit.
She never doubted me, and for that I feel like ****.
I can't take back what I said or my actions that took place, I can't take back words and just erase.
The damage I have done.
Her eye's I imagine to be red and with tears,
She has no limit, no anger, no fears.
She's not held back by me anymore.
And for this I am forever in sorrow.
Don't sympathize me.
I am cruel, I am unfaithful and for that I am a fool.
Don't sympathize me.
Pretty drunk right now.
And sad.
What of it?
Apr 2013 · 514
Bland.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
No taste.
Nothing to be described but bland and bitter emotions.
Nothing is to be enjoyed with this taste in my mouth.
Vile and disgusting.
I spit what else was left on the tip of my tongue out.
No taste.
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