I keep rehearsing in my head what I want to say and I keep going back to something I wrote yesterday as a way to start "the conversation" but I'm afraid of the consequences but realizing I no longer should fear whatever consequences there maybe because I'm no longer in the wrong for feeling the way I feel now. Especially with evidence at hand.

all my mistakes
catch up to me

none have helped

pushing me further down
underwater

breathing loud

I hear the sounds

far away

distant

if I swim down

I'll find the perfect place

You've struggled with trusting people because your childhood taught you it's hard to trust anyone - ever. Even speaking to a therapist that doesn't understand the meaning of "confidential" because they feel like telling someone else your life will be them helping you.

You're trying to figure out what your only solution is to ever becoming "normal" because you're completely tired of feeling like everyone is plotting against you or feeling so depressed you don't ever want to go out and having to make excuses for why you're better off not going out.

What is normal even?
How does someone even begin to become normal?

When we encounter people and socialize with them. It always begins well because you're meeting them for the first time and getting to know them. Strangely enough you become friends or more then that. Everything goes perfectly well in the beginning until a day comes where you truly see them for who they are. It either makes you disappointed or happy.

The disappointment always hits me hard because I've gotten use to how well things were in the beginning that when the disappointment hits. It's hard to let go.

It's hard to let go because I make myself believe that it'll be back to the first encounter I've had with them.

You can try as hard as you possibly can and you can have all the hope in the world BUT it's a 50/50 chance of it ever going back to the first encounter.

The reality of life is not everything is going to go the way you planned or expected it to go. Not everything is going to be perfect because there will be moments of complete disappointment, and now you feel like your life has flipped upside down because you had these expectations and plans that didn't happen. When in reality you're supposed to let things happen as you go on about your day each and everyday because you have to grow, learn, and experience everything. Everyone struggles to understand that there's no need to rush through anything in life and you should always put your happiness first before everyone/everything else.

Sometimes we lose ourselves trying to make others happy
Because we feel that if we keep others happy
It'll only make us happy knowing they're content in their life
But why do we always put our happiness aside for others?
Because we think our problems are difficult and can't be helped or we dont want to be a burden to others
So we prefer to help others more than ourselves
But its time we start putting our happiness first
Because our happiness matters.