my fondest memory:
climbing into the bed of my father’s truck
with my sister by my side,
hands over our mouths to hush the giggles
and the cold metal on my back.
my mom drove to the fire station from home with us in the trunk,
my grandmother cooed in surprise.
I could see only the sky
the milky blue gray of mixed paint colors
like the walls of a baby boy’s room who died at birth.
the sky was interrupted by flocks of birds flying by
and I felt that I could fly with them,
green pine trees I could smell if I closed my eyes,
spindly brown branches
telephone lines and cracked street signs,
the ghosts of clouds stagnant in the air.
and I felt happy
despite the cuts on my thighs and wrists
I felt free
the wind didn’t chill my bones
and neither did the metal
I couldn’t feel cold
only euphoria.
the road twisted and turned,
I felt the ridges of the trunk roll over my spine,
I rode in the back seat on the way home.

- ck

People write novels,
Paper leaves soaked in heart-quenching words,
About the kind of love I have found,
Or rather, has found me.
Lonely middle-aged women flip through,
Divulge, memorize, immerse themselves in,
The love story of a life that he has created for me.
Have you ever woken up in the buzzing blackness of 3 AM,
Searching in the stretch of infinity between you and the empty pillow,
Feathers floating in your head, but heavy,
Looking for, hoping for
The cosmic "it" that's plastered with wet paint images,
The celestial amor?
I used to.
I would harvest the angst and void for the loudest clock strikes,
And only then would I examine the truth of my heart,
And it's lack.
He has filled this void, he overflows it with his constant love,
His little "I love you" that accompanies every nighttime kiss.
Is it possible to enjoy the winding midnight
That once gawked at my loneliness?
He makes me green and vibrant.
His love is the sustenance of all my dreams,
The shimmering sheen of all growth,
And for this, I love him.

I was sat in a cab,
A shell of flaking leather and jet-black exterior,
When I realized I loved you.
The immense and surrounding sound of falling rain
Incapsulated us into a sphere of warmth.
I was sat in a cab,
And I was leaning onto your chest,
You wrapped your arms around me and kissed me on the head.
What a simple act, an easy thing to do,
But I have never felt more loved, and more safe.
I was sat in a cab,
And I realized I loved you.
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.
I never wanted to step foot into another space of existence
That didn't have you by my side.
There in that cab,
I wonder if you loved me too.

i will wade out
                        till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
I will take the sun in my mouth
and leap into the ripe air
                                       Alive
                                                 with closed eyes
to dash against darkness
                                       in the sleeping curves of my body
Shall enter fingers of smooth mastery
with chasteness of sea-girls
                                            Will i complete the mystery
                                            of my flesh
I will rise
               After a thousand years
lipping
flowers
             And set my teeth in the silver of the moon

We were so young and our love was so weightless I could feel it's sparkling dew rest on my skin, singing sweet hums into my ear, every time your lips graced the valleys and peaks of my chest.

2. I wish I could have introduced you to my family as the Sun because it was you who gave me light, made me grow, kept me warm, but I told them your name instead and you gripped my fathers hand in a shake. Later when he commented on the nice weather I wanted to tell him that's how my heart felt whenever I was with you but I agreed that the weather was, in fact, very nice.

3. I lost my virginity at your lake house to the soundtrack of nature's calls and the brush of leaves against your bedroom window, I think the universe was singing for our love. You laid next to me that night, your lungs burning for air, and breathlessly told me that I was a cosmic kind of beautiful. I still write that on my wrist sometimes to remind myself of the vibrancy you gave me.

4. Our first fight was the day you were diagnosed. You didn't want me to stay and wait for you to die, but with tear stained cheeks I made a promise that I would love you for a thousand years after you took your last breath. I hope you believed me when I said that, because I've never been surer of anything.

5. I stayed with you your first night in the hospital, not because you were nervous or scared, but because I didn't think I could sleep unless you were next to me, with blood still pumping through your veins.

6. When you started losing your hair I never once believed you were ugly, and even though the blue of your eyes lost it's once luminous shine to me you were a beam of absolute light. I wish I had kept your beanies so that whenever I smell them I'm whirled back into this state of You.

7. Your funeral was mine too, on that early Thursday morning both our hearts stopped beating, they had always been in sync anyways. It was cloudy on your funeral day, the sunlight had gone. I stood there over your coffin, mourning you, and myself. It's selfish, I know. I'm not here anymore, and I just wish that would mean I was with you. But it doesn't.

8. Now whenever anyone asks about my first love I tell them with glossy eyes that it was with the Sun, and he kisses me everyday still when I step into his light.

His favorite place was lakeside
But mine was by his side,
And don't tell me that "boys will be boys",
When he made me get on my knees
At my own mother's birthday,
Because what he felt for me was lust
Not love,
And although his passion was requited
His love was not.
My body was once a temple
Until he conquered and turned a once sacred place into ruins,
Like the true Spartan he was,
With armor strong enough to protect his heart,
And sharp enough to cut the hearts of others.
He didn't throw babies off cliffs,
But his glare when I told him "no" was enough to
Make me jump off of one into a pit of cold redemption.
I loved him more than words could fathom
And he loved me with please's and yes'.
My voice was hidden under darkness and low self-esteem
And every time he pulled my hair I plunged further
Into these waters.
I lied to everyone and myself,
But there comes a time when all these lies
Start to poison any reason you once retained.
What pulled me out was the will to restore the sacredness
To my desecrated heart.
His favorite place is still the lakeside,
But now mine is my inside.

Anger,
as black as a hook,
overtakes me.
Each day,
each ****
took, at 8:00 A.M., a baby
and sauteed him for breakfast
in his frying pan.

And death looks on with a casual eye
and picks at the dirt under his fingernail.

Man is evil,
I say aloud.
Man is a flower
that should be burnt,
I say aloud.
Man
is a bird full of mud,
I say aloud.

And death looks on with a casual eye
and scratches his ****.

Man with his small pink toes,
with his miraculous fingers
is not a temple
but an outhouse,
I say aloud.
Let man never again raise his teacup.
Let man never again write a book.
Let man never again put on his shoe.
Let man never again raise his eyes,
on a soft July night.
Never. Never. Never. Never. Never.
I say those things aloud.