I take in your love like fossil fuels

The guilt will **** me faster than
The illness
I wonder what it’d be like to be free
From all of this
Where would you put the sun
If you did not have to hold it up
For me
Every day
Would you rest?

fear keeps me here
stagnant and sorry
vindictive and caged
I waited for years
for an apology
or a reason, at least

I let the vultures
pick through parts of me
you left out on the street
scattered and shameful
harrowed and hungry
waiting for anything

my brain
is soft,
I let you in

watching car wrecks like fireflies
on your tight suburban street
smashing sounds
reverberate through
the trees,

I catch them with my teeth
I hold them in my jaw

and still feel nothing
I crave to be
the engine charred
sprinkled on the crosswalk
smeared across the asphalt
burning bright enough for someone
to notice me

I will wade until my knee caps break
From the weight of the ocean
Month after month in the same exact place
I wish there was a way out

I can’t catch my breath at all from the last two years
And you can’t hear me screaming
It isn’t your job to, anyways
But I wish there was a way

Let go
Of my exit strategy
The day I met you
There was nothing to run from
Only a home to come to

I want to hold your hand
And fill in your worry lines with
Permanent marker, make
Your bed just how you like it
And ruin it right after
I want to lay on your chest,
Talk in between laughter,
Laugh in between ***
Reorganize your desk and
Mess it up again with little
Sticky notes that let
You know
That I love you so much

I wanna make you lunch
But not because you can’t
Make it on your own,
I want to spend my free Time
Making my heart into your home

Unattached narratives

Charlie makes the same face every time they tell a joke they know they probably shouldn’t. They shift their jaw a tiny bit to the left, their eyes to the right. They start to crack a smile, intermittently, but it doesn’t poke through easily. They don’t let anyone know they think they’re funny. But they know. They’ve made this face a lot lately, they seem lighter; they seem fuller. I could watch the same face and hear the same corny joke every day for the rest of my life, and laugh like it was new. I could watch them smile until my eyes burned out. I wanted this to be unattached but I feel their joy in my chest, and I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful for this.