**** anyone that presumes to know how
I feel.
You *******.
You ****.
Smiling eyes. Bleeding tongue.

Blah blah blah -
Are you okay now?
You're okay, right?

How are things
How are you
Small talk
Small words,
And quick *****.

Because someone has to do it.

The dark makes us anxious.
We're recovering from our fear.
The soothing murmur of my breathing
As I coo myself to sleep.
The gentle tossing of your body
A reminder that you're near.

It's okay to be afraid.
I'll be your nightlight.

And I get so restless
I just can't stress this,
ENOUGH.
Boredom bathed in the waters of monotony.
Spontaneity,
I dare you,
Call my ******* bluff.

I need to make an appointment.
Pencil me in at your first availability.
Then you can talk to me.
Maybe then you'll tell me what's in your head.
As for now,
I'm feeling lonely.
Buy everyone is too busy to see.

One day I won't have time to be lonely.
And people will have to make appointments in order to meet with me.

Mommy said if he's mean it's because he likes you.
She said boys are backwards and upside down.
She said boys are young dumb and fullofcum.
She said close your eyes when you fall so you don't see how much it's going to hurt.

I still have bruises, she said.

Your lips
Are two pink marshmallows
I'd like to
Bite off and eat.
I undress you with
My eyes.
Now I'm hungry for more.
You're tongue
Is a sweet ****
That hollows
out my insides.
Your hands play
The invisible keyboard
On the small of my back.
I melt against
Your rock candy frame.
One taste of you
And I'm on a sugar high.

"What does the wishbone tattoo signify?"
Depends who's asking.
If I like you it's because not all things that are broken are bad.

If I don't then it's because I needed more luck.

The girl had climbed so high
that she feared the damage
the fall would cause.
So she stopped climbing
and started to slide back down.
By the time her feet touched the ground
her ladder holder was gone.

                                                 Her fear had left a sour taste
                                                  in her mouth.
                                                 The milk she suckled
                                                 was no longer sweet.
                                                 So she spit it out
                                                 and stopped nuzzling against the warmth of the breast.

Airy, airy
Light,
Lightest.
Alone,
Alonest,
But not lonely.
I feel mischievous
And full of the courage to do something about it.
I am royal.
I am a laugh and a half.
I'm mental,
In the best of ways.
Ask me why I'm smiling.
And I'll tell you as my fingers graze against your flesh.
I'm invincible
In my little dress made of red lace.
Call me crazy cause I am.
But I won't let you rain
On my holiday.

He lived 150 miles away.
but there was something far greater
than a two and a half hour drive separating us.
You're 4,432 miles away
(I know. I googled it.)
yet you seem closer.
Though not close enough.

He made my bones feel dry.
brittle.
I was afraid I'd break from the slightest movement.
but then you.
with your bedhead
and smiles
and love of the sea.

He wants to be a doctor.
Admirable I suppose.
Excuse me if I don't wait in line to kiss his ***.
He did more hurting
than he did healing.
bitter.

You'll be a marine biologist
and we'll live by the sea
and have a beautiful multiracial family.
*Bliss.

I've started saving up,
started saving so one day I can come be with you.
Saving up some money,
saving up some time.

One day i'll have saved a fortune
and a big chunk of my time
and i'll spend all that fortune on you
and i'll spend that chunk of time with you.

And i'll go broke,
but i'll be smiling
i'll be smiling cause of you.

Why be alone
When you can pine after apparitions
Of something better.
The good and the
Bad of it is
We don't always get what we deserve.
Why be bad
When you can fail at self improvement.
You're just a lil baby
Stumbling
Lil brat of some selfish lil ****
And that's why boys don't like to love you
But they love to use you.
Why feel sad when
You can choose to be happy you idiot.
Be mindful.
Be quiet.
Don't argue.
Don't prove yourself.
Don't care.
Pay your rent on time.
Be ****.
Be brave.
Be confident.
Submit.
Why be anything at all
When there's a great big ocean
For you to walk into.

I was teetering on the precipice
of something.
edging towards the glimmer.
mashing tongues,
you tore me limb from limb.
I'm glazed with sweat.
you baste me in honeydew.

in the bedroom we speak in vowels:
oooOOHHhhooo
uUUHhh.
AAAAaaahhh
The sounds of death,
Long awaited for.
I died like this every night and loved every minute of it, bruised down to my bones.
i i i, want moremoremore.
Give my teeth a whitening.

You are the eye of the storm
the first leg into a pair of pants
the bone with the best sense of humor.

you left me high,
but not dry.

accept this broken french as a gesture of my affinity:
je taime
tu me manques
je tadore mon lapin
bisou bisou

I saw you with her
Smiling that smile.
I’d love to wipe it off your face.
Is she better than me?
Freakier?
Weirder?
Funnier?
Cuter?
Don’t answer that.
You punched me right in the face…
So hard
That my ego
Gasped for breath.

I feel your breath
Against my ear
Whispering
Sweet nothings
I long to hear.
Filled with seduction
And burning desire
I lose myself within
Your fire.

he was philosophical
the way any person is when they're high.

he wore black framed glasses
and talked too much;
which i kind of liked.
he said my name made me sound like a classy stripper.
i chose to take it as a compliment.

i didn't ask his age
though i wish i had.

he talked passionately about
aquatonics and molly.
he said he was starting up a business.

maybe i was flattered that he thought i was cute
or maybe he was generally interesting.
i'm not sure though.
all i can remember is the way the hookah tasted
as the music faded out.

I don't want to cry.
But sometimes I do.

I'm not a prayerful person.
But sometimes I pray.
Not that any of my prayers deserves to be answered.

I've been driven to beg.
Bartering.
Ultimatums.

I want
I need
Give me

Do you ever feel so hopeless
that it paralyzes you?
All you can do is watch
as fate demolishes your plans for the future.
******* all over your dreams.
Tearing up your innocence,
not even bothering to recycle the debris.

Put childish things aside.
Grow up and get a real job.
Get married and start a family.
You owe it to yourself.
To everyone.

Another birthday passes.
Another debt to pay.
Another year spent.

I drink just enough to make me comfortable
in my own skin.
Just enough to make me warm.

You ask me why I'm crying.
Do I need a reason?

"Because I feel like it."

You want to keep me
But not own me.

Be close
But not hold me.

Love me
But not need me.

Have the power to break me.
I'm crumbling.

Before I touched you
I knew you felt right.

I knew I'd write you cheesy poems.
I knew you were just what I needed.
I knew I wanted you every night
For the rest of my life.

*"I know you're the one I'm meant to love."

Calloused to the distance.
Adding sand to the hour glass.
Turning back time.

Call me Mr sand man.
I'm a dream.

I step out of the bathroom, the soft yellow light casting a trail from the doorway out onto the carpeted floor of my bedroom. You're sitting criss cross in my bed, your elbows resting on your knees. You look up when you hear the door open.I cross my arms across my chest and walk towards you, hoping the lighting is merciful.   You push your legs out so that they dangle over the edge of the bed. I position myself between them as my hands trail up your legs.

I'm not wearing make up because I feel that you'd prefer that I didn't. I'm wearing my pink Calvin Klein bra with the lace trim and my black partial lace, partial mesh underwear. I feel self conscious, but resist the urge to ruin the moment by making fun of myself. I'm not waiting for you to say something to make me feel pretty. I don't need you to when I see the way you look at me.

You help me up into your lap so I'm straddling you. You lie down on your back and stare up at me. I'm comforted in knowing you're just as nervous as me. But the nervousness isn't the bad kind - but exciting. The alt-J album An Awesome Wave is playing softly in the background. I recall adding Intro to my Little Death playlist and laugh under my breath. Your hand reaches out to caress a tendril of my hair. I feel your touch from my split ends, to my roots, and all the way to my fingertips. I do my best to keep them from trembling. But knowing you're just beneath me has a way of making my entire body pulse in anticipation.

I want you. I want to feel you. I want you to feel me. I want it to feel unnatural when we're clothed together. I want you to hear all my noises and show me all of yours. I want our bodies to move in time to the music. Eyes closed. Sensations have a way of making you see. And I see all of you tangled up in all of me.

The music swells. The drums. Guitar. My body feels like an instrument in your arms. Your hands. Exploring my notes. Play me and I'll sing loud. Fingertips between my lips. Mine. Yours. Mouth on mouth. Mouth on neck. mouth on chest.

Your mouth tastes of gummy turtles.

The perfect time to kiss someone
is when they don't even know they want you to.
when you're not using your lips for talking.
and your mouth tastes like candy.

I did it.
Guilty.
Shame has a way of hollowing me out.
I showed you my scars and you said they were nothing,
but now they're consuming my heart.

There's lots I could say,
want to.
But my credibility is only as good as the rest of me,
which is not.

I said: "not all things that have been broken are bad"
but now I'm distraught.

I could play therapist and analyze myself:
daddy issues - check
trust issues - check
abandonment issues - check check
check.

I ****** up.
I don't want to find an excuse
that'll make you stay.
Maybe that's why I pushed you away.

I don't want you to leave,
but I care too much not to let you.
I wish I would have realized sooner
and gotten my priorities straight.
We could lie together
never touching
and that would be okay.

And you could **** all the girls
and go into gruesome detail.
As long as you still had your finger on my heart.

But you wouldn't do that.
Because you're not **** like the others
and that's why I picked you.
You're perfect.

I'm afraid I'm not anymore.

my bed is the void,
or at least I wish it was.
I feel like swirling and twirling,
in the abyss.
I want to touch the face of The Son
and be buried in the earth
so I can know what it is to feel the weight of it
pressing me downwwwwwwwwwwwnnn
                                                    wwwnnn
                                                              nn
                                                                  nn
                                                                      n before watching my bones take root

I am a weepy willow
in the midst of a hurricane.
I am sleepy branches,
I hang my head in shame.

shook up,
got stood up.
for a couple of gals in shorter skirts.

made plans,
***** demands,
i'd oblige without complaint.

if you sat still,
you'd get ill.
at least that's what you've convinced yourself.

Life is a series of amendments
To what your idea of love is.

Today love is a habit.
Tomorrow it's a choice.

Cause I'm lonely, that's why.
Or I'm bored.
Cause I'm sad and I need a distraction.
Because why not?

Empty stomach.
Blurred vision.

The uncertainty will be the death of me.
(Should I start my mourning now?)

So take some pills
And pass the time
In a land of dreams.
Sublime.

The punishment of waiting in limbo.
(Afraid to hope for the best.)

Time to think.
To make up your mind.
One more drink
And you'll be fine.

I've burned through the trust I've earned.
(So I'll give you the power to break me.)

I’m looking at your mouth
you’re looking at me,
my fingers curled around the blunt your plug has graded as a “pearl”
we’re passing notes with her eyes and
you’re playing it cool, that is until your eyebrows give you away – springing up towards your skull.
I find an excuse to say “****”
so you’re thinking of mine as I push wet fruit between my lips, still hot from the smoldering
I sense the very moment everyone else in the room catches onto our game.
lowering my gaze as a hit goes straight to my face
the smoke clears
my fingers linger
dangling the roach over your water glass
I let it fall
Ash hisses as if to whisper
“it’sss cassshh.”

chug.chug.chug.
chug to remember.
chug to forget.
chug it when in need of company.
chug it because no one is around.
chug to disappear.
chug it cause you're bored
in order to make things interesting.
chug when it seems like everyone
is having more fun than you.
Chug to feel warm.
Chug to make it better.
chug because it tastes good.
chug it because it doesn't.
chug it to speed up time
or slow it down.
chug.chug.chug.
don't let it rest on your tongue.

And I was high
And feeling low.
And I thought I was making sense.
She didnt have a journal
So I settled for a mini yellow legal pad.
And my thoughts were coming faster than I could write.
So I forgot.

Communal poems
don’t work.
Too many ideas
and too much
judgement.
I feel self conscious.
Naked.
No clothing.
No words.
I’ve forgotten them all.

My tongue was red
And yours was blue
So we made purple.

Tie dye my taste buds.
Paint my lips
With a kiss.

I'm in my underwear.
I'm wearing your shirt
And my favorite sweater.
I'm comfy
Cozy
Cool.
I'm not used to the chill here.
Maybe I could bare the backwoods.
I thought I was over my fear of isolation
But I'm not.

He was a quiet boy
obsessed with death.
Some said he was depressed.

And his smile.
his smile was worthwhile;
his smile was.

But the boy was not right.
His demons dressed in their Sunday's best
to keep from being caught.

He knew all the nice things people would say
at his funeral.
That he was smart,
inventive,
affectionate.

This poem is for that boy.
The boy that never got to hear all the wonderful things
people had to say
because he is dead.

No one likes the truth when it's not watered down.
Without a chaser.
When it's said too loud.

No one likes good news with a dose of bad.

I want to be the girl
That makes you feel lucky
And all your guy friends jealous.

I want to be the girl
That cooks and cleans
In my highest pair of stilettos.

I want to be the girl
That can wear a one piece bathing suit
And still dominate your fantasies.

I'm afraid to move on before you.
I'm afraid to move on after you.
I'm afraid he won't live up to my standards.
I'm afraid she'll surpass mine.
You're allowed to be happy.
But not too happy.
You're allowed to be successful
As long as I'm credited.
You're allowed to see other girls
If it makes you long for my company.
But you're not allowed to move on
Without me.

She has sharp hipbones
that jut out in a way that seems painful.

And I think her lips are too thin
but all the boys think she's beautiful.

I could be like her.
The Malibu Barbie type.

I could wear more makeup
and style my hair like the celebrities featured in Cosmo;
but would my prince charming be able to recognize me
through all that eyeliner and the smog of hairspray?

She liked the way his ***
Gave her shiny, webbed fingers.
She liked to hold them up to the light
And watch the way they glistened.
A translucent filth.
She identified with this.
She aspired to be this ***** thing
That could be had,
Without being seen.

Most people swallowed her up.
But she wanted to be spit out.

Whirly twirly dandelion.
Whafty whafty breeze.
Happy sappy baby face.
He's down on a knee.

Don't ***** this up.
Make her smile.
And if you're feeling brave
Ask her to stay a while.

And she will cause she loves you
But then you'll leave cause that's what boys do
To pretty girls
With pinwheel curls
On a windy afternoon.

i've been called a *****.
been called a tease.
been called a ******.

and that's just the start.

flinch at things that have no meaning,
but sound like they should be offensive:
****.

no, no sweetie.
the words that hurt me
are the ones laced with gold
and grown in a field of baby's breath.
no, no honey.
the words I fear
are ones you can't hear
because they're hidden between the lines.

I used to be a daddy's girl.
And maybe I still am.

Maybe that's why I work so hard to earn his approval.

Maybe if I were a boy.
Maybe if I were more submissive.
Maybe if I didn't exist.

Maybe then he'd love me.

This poem is for the man in love with the bottle,
because it's the only thing he can hold onto.
The bottle demonstrates its love by helping him forget.
Because the bottle is filled with magic
he thinks will make him loveable.

This is for the man that can't fall asleep
because the bottle is empty.

you dream of us.

long boarding to the beach.
having dinner with your dad.
discussing cheese preferences.
"Shredded."
"Sliced."

I dream of us.

making french toast.
syrupy kisses in the kitchen.
powdered cinnamon on your nose.
eggshells in the sink.

We agree on many things:
cats
scott pilgrim vs. the world
pizza
playlists
red wine

But on one thing we disagree:
I still love you despite our different tastes in cheese.

I am writing you this letter in the event that in the near future you find yourself regretting your decision to break up with C. I got the idea from How I Met Your Mother so bear with me.

He was a great guy but you needed to let him go so he could figure himself out and what he wants out of life. Likewise you needed to let him go so you could figure yourself out and what you wanted out of life. As much as you wanted to you couldn’t do this while you two were together and that’s no one’s fault.

You’re both so young and need time to experience things that you wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Everything happens for a reason and you must remember that when God says no to one thing it’s because he has something even better in store.

It’s okay to remember the good times and even the bad if it helps you cope, but don’t regret. He was your first love and you were his. Revel in that and know that is something great. He was your first in so many ways and the thought of him having a second or third may hurt but a time will come when you’ll love again too. Don’t doubt God’s plan. Don’t doubt your decision. When you feel lonely just remember the words tattooed on your skin: “still growing into my wings, but one day I’ll fly.” Rest assured in that truth.

You and C were the sun and the moon. It worked for a while but you were doing more damage than good by staying together. You had two different definitions of worthwhile experiences. You should never be with someone that makes you feel less than. You shouldn’t have to compete against the one you love. Love isn’t a competition. It’s sacrifice. It’s doing instead of just saying.

Don’t be bitter or angry towards him. He loved you as much as he could at this point in time. Don’t put your life on pause for him, but you also shouldn’t rush into things out of spite. Don’t do anything stupid that could have a lasting impact because you think it will take your mind off the pain. It may work for a moment, but you can only outrun reality for so long.

Maybe one day when you’ve both matured and lived a lifetime apart something magical will happen and it will be that much better because the time you spent apart. Maybe you’ll never see him again. Either way be happy that whatever happened was for the best. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something productive.