Through time,
Stars continue to illuminate,
Billions of miles,
Long, long after death:
R.I.P Nelson Mandela.

Bind the pieces with sun dipped silk
fill the cracks of my heart
with gold
until the veins branch like broken trees
with sturdy roots

They will need to dig in deep
for there is
wind in my body.

the birds fly away from the storm
and sing

  don't forget
you have to fight just as hard to let go
as you do
     to hold on

And I did it.
I got an abortion.
I laid down that night and felt
My soft stomach.
Yesterday night,
Cells were multiplying
And they were becoming
Those little fingers and toes.
But I had to.
The women there were very supportive.
It's MY life.
MY choice.
MY baby.
But I'm going to miss
The feeling of love.
I turn around and lay on my side,
So I can't hold my lower belly.
That baby was my baby.
Now.... It isn't. It's gone.
It's dead. Was it even alive?
Did it have an heartbeat?
It soon would have.
And now I will never give birth to it,
Never hold it in my arms.
I can't watch them take their first step,
Or see their first smile or
Hear their first laugh or word.
I can't hold it when they cry,
Or pick out presents for their birthdays.
I'll never know that baby's
Personality,
I'll never be able to tuck it in at night
And sing it to sleep.
I can't check for monsters under their bed,
Or send them off to their
First day of school.
I can't see them at their last day.
I can't see them at their wedding.
Or hold their children.
Or bicker over wine with them.
No, those tiny little cells
Were mine. And my future.
And I took it away.
Now I'm **** sobbing,
Wishing of what could be.

I lifted my coffee mug from the cafe table as I commented on the snow, receiving a murmur and a nod in response. I looked into my mug and I watched the snowflakes fall into the coffee and quickly disappear among the liquid blackness. Why he wanted to sit outside, I had no idea. I went along with it though. I liked watching him stare into the white blankets that covered the dead grass next to the sidewalks. He stared into the ice, in deep thought. The looks that always seemed to grace his face were those of concentration and intensity. He broke his stare with the snow and looked up at me, with that smile that made his dimples show. He outstretched his arm over the table, grabbing my hand. We sat in silence as he traced circles on my thumb. I asked him what he was thinking about, and he asked me how the snow can be so pure in a city that is so *****. I told him I didn't know. I really didn't. It was in that moment, watching him think about the snow, that I realized I loved him.

Looking back on that day, a year in the future, in this same cafe at the same table, I realized the reason why the snow was so beautiful that day; we loved each other. Everything was beautiful. The snow is grey now, stepped on by muddy snow boots and filled with decaying leaves. I wonder if it had always looked that way, even on that day that seemed so blindingly white. Our love was beautiful. The world was beautiful. Now I can see my heart lying on the ground, stepped on by muddy snow boots and filled with decaying leaves.