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I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Most days I just want to die.
If I say these words I'm being dramatic.
I look around and I have no one.

What happened?

People shut me out.
It's probably my fault.
They won't tell me why.
I can't see a way to fix it.

What happened?

Shut my mouth.
We all die alone.
I'm  tired.

What happened?
I, the ringmaster, start the show with my top hat on just right and by my side, the lion tamer.

Each day is a show, a facade to let the world know that we are in control and they are safe from the events to come.

Two little monkeys draw your attention to the center ring, one howling and screeching for attention while the other one looks more like a goblin than a monkey. The roll, tumble, and trapeze around the room they demand your attention. The little monkey goblin digs her way in an around the aerial silks as the silly little howler mocks you and laughs at you more forcefully than any clown before.

Then a sideshow freak bombards you with impressive feats that should not be possible for one so small. He the strong man lifts objects easily ten times heavier than him, all the while balancing them on his head. He the sword swallower confusing, disgusting, and still impressive. He the electic act, bitting into live wires and walking away unscathed.

Last to be seen! The final act! The most beautiful and magnificent! The king of the jungle! As the monkeys and the sideshow leave, the powerful and loquacious mane enters. Not much of a talker but when he roars, the sound reverberates through your whole body. Old scars, and soul filled eyes, tell of his conquest and likewise failures. As he and the lion tamer circle each other in the pit, they constantly play the game of Alpha. Albeit, at the end of the say, they are best friends that only want to enjoy a good cuddle.

Ringmaster, lion tamer, monkeys, freak, and the lion, a smattering of strange individuals relying on each other for comfort and safety. Each day a new beginning, a new show, a new chance.

A family.

My family.
A Full Moon, a New Moon, and her many faces in between

Among the multitude of beautiful twinkling lights in the sky, the Moon's can be the most striking

Impulsively, she may lunge towards the Earth, taking the form of a Super Moon, but she is really taking a closer look at her best friend and catching up on their time apart

. . . bulging brightly in the sky, some may think that she is intimidating or curious . . .

During the harvest, she may blush a brilliant red, flirting bashfully with the Sun or fill with rage and anger as she sees the wrongdoing of its many onlookers

The face of the Moon has been studied, poked and prodded, while the dark side of the moon holds her mysteries and secrets tightly, only sharing them with a select few

Sometimes the Moon's confidence gets the best of her and she may venture into the light of day, challenging the sun for the daily spotlight

Hot-headed, filled with passion, friend and foe

It can be hard to keep a level head when you are spiraling through the universe

. . . but most of the time she simply waxes and wanes. . .
A careless child dropping a vessel.

You can't expect the broken to tell you their pain, sometimes you have to ask.

Air bursting through a window, throwing a vase on the ground.

"Do things because you want to", I don't see the point.

High a top the shelf, the sly cat knocks over the heirloom.

Depression is blinding, defining, chilling, and easily over looked.

Falling over and over again.

Broken over and over again.

Eventually we all are like pottery shattered into dust.
I thought I grew up fast. I thought it meant responsibility and paying bills.
I thought it meant living on your own, living the dream, living life the way you wanted. I thought it meant setting your own rules. I thought it meant standing on your own two feet and fighting the good fight. I thought it meant going on the adventure only the movies portray.

I thought I grew up fast. Because I saw things no child should have had to have seen. Because even though I was broken I could still make others smile. Because I had to feed myself, no one else was going to. Because I did the chores without being asked. Because I was responsible. Because I was ahead of my years.

I thought I grew up fast. At 14, I cared what others thought of me. At 15, I realized everyone felt the same way and didn't actually have time to truly judge me. At 16, I realized no one could look past 25 let alone set life goals. At 18, I realized the adults in my life were just making it up as it goes. At 18, I became a legal adult which I soon realized, didn't mean much.

I thought I grew up fast. Growing up doesn't mean responsibility and paying bills.
Growing up doesn't mean living on your own, living the dream, living life the way you wanted. Growing up doesn't mean setting your own rules. Growing up doesn't mean standing on your own two feet and fighting the good fight. Growing up doesn't mean going on the adventure only the movies portray. Growing up leads to the same final stanza for everyone.

2014 death
2017 death
2019 death
2019 death
2019 death

Growing up means watching the people in your life die. Growing up means somehow existing knowing, soon you will be next.
Making hard choices every day.
I can't sleep, while the world suffers.
Look in my eyes and share my pain.
Lending money I can never pay back.
Equality, is our dream.
Not ever being good enough for them.
Not having children, is our responsibility.
Isolation, desperation, contimplation.
Always hungry for a bigger challenge.
Lonely networking eager faces.
Losing myself in the past encompassment if you're purple fluid.

Nothing in the world makes sense anymore, but this is vividly lucid.

It is the first time in a long while my mind has been at ease.

Stuck in this cold smelly laboratory, you wobble as a beautiful flower in a gentle spring breeze.

Spinning round and round and watching as your viscous liquid collapses on its center.

As the bubbles float to your surface, and your opaqueness turns transparent, so do I imbibe the truth of reality.

Just as it began, so will it end at my hand.

Your fortune awaits as you help to reveal the secret that the naked I cannot see.

I can only hope my future is as beautiful as yours.
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