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1.5k · Nov 2015
For your ex (repost)
Chwins Nov 2015
If she asks you
If she asks you who I am, tell her. Tell her
because she is not starting a fire for an explanation but a confession.

If you tell her I was just a girl you dated
for a couple of years, she will only give you a hard time.
The hundreds of photos tagged in your outdated profile and the stack
of books with our names written will be her allies.

If you tell her I was an old friend, she will only hear
half of what you say. She will recall how you looked at places
with a tinge of regret and a shade of nostalgia. She will remember
how you skipped a certain song ― a reminder of something you’ll find an excuse
not to tell her every time the car radio is on.

If she asks you who I was, lie a little,
because she is not crossing the line for answers but for assurances.

Don’t tell her how our lips played with poetry and how we dared
to dream under the light of the taciturn satellite. Skip the part where we
fought dragons together and how we named each other’s scars.

Reserve the fact that you still keep the letters, notes, old restaurant receipts under
your drawers and some tearstained thoughts at the back of your pillow. She doesn’t need to know
why you reread past conversations or why your mother mentioned me at the family dining table
just to ask you what I have been up to.

Finally, if she asks you who I was to you, tell her you love her. Put her in the limelight
because she is testing you to pull the trigger pointed at her

But you won’t. Instead, you will tell her she’s beautiful to compensate
for the words you never had the guts to tell me. You will tell her she’s a keeper, for the hell of it.
You will tell her a poor research about human cells being replaced after seven years so that one day,
I will leave no trace on your body.

She will then forget that you mentioned my name while sleeping. She will wash the lipstick stains
on your bedsheets and remove the extra toothbrush in the shower. She will ignore the way you twitch
every time you hear a familiar author or my favorite curse word. She will fill the spaces
of your fingers and plaster kisses at the holes of your chest. She will replace every scent of me
with her own promises, insecurities, and mistakes.

She will do this. She will, because when she asked you about me,
she knew I was the ghost of the house. And at the back of your head, you wanted to tell her
that the ****** no longer need saving. But by all means,
darling, she can try.

A. A. Dizon
1.5k · Sep 2015
Crab Mentality
Chwins Sep 2015
I feel for you for we all have our own deep-seeded insecurities.
But you lost me when you chose to act on that insecurity in a profoundly false and disgusting way.
Instead of using it to fuel the drive to self-betterment,
You made it your personal license to shame others.

Pushing, imposing your authority that’s shot to hell
You chose the road that leads to losing everyone’s respect.
Pulling, shoving just to get ahead in the game
You’re a crab in a bucket and you’ve got no shame.

The others you’ve pulled to debasement to show your worthiness
Are the same people who can attest to your worthlessness.
These acts of self-preservation, of making oneself superior to others
Displays not how high you’ve flown,
But how far beneath the same people you trample on you’ve fallen.

So, fall if you will
But don’t take everyone else down with you.
1.2k · Jan 2018
Chwins Jan 2018
You are beautiful,
You are strong,
You are more than the blade you're holding against your wrist.
So drop it.

You are more than those *******' whispers
and those ***** catcalls.
Don't ever doubt your worth
Because you are better than the picture you've painted in your head.

You are the best version of yourself
And now is the time of your life.
Get out there, set yourself free
Unshackle your feet from the chains that drag you down.

You are beautiful and you are not alone.
1.2k · May 2016
I love you, goodbye
Chwins May 2016
I fell asleep reading our conversations on my phone,
I touched your name on the screen and contemplated giving you a call;
It seemed the natural thing to do
After all, I was really missing you.

Then everything became a blur as tears flooded my eyes
When I remembered just last Sunday, we said our goodbyes.
You fought hard, you were in so much pain
I knew I had to let you go and ask God to take you away.
I just didn't think it would be before I could hug you last,
Or kiss you on the cheek like I used to in the past.

I wanted to tell you how loved you were
And apologize for all the headaches an imperfect daughter gave her father.
But I couldn't be selfish, you were suffering so --
Papa, I had to let you go.
I wasn't ready nor will I ever be,
But I hope there in heaven you're smiling down on me.
You're finally free where you wanted to be,
I'm sure you had your reasons why you couldn't wait for me.

I love you papa, I say a prayer for you everyday
Rest in peace and I'll see you up there in heaven someday.
Until then forgive me for letting the tears fall,
I can't help it, you've been my hero since I was small.
I know you'd want me to smile and maybe I will again someday,
Because even if you're gone, in my heart you'll always stay.
529 · Jun 2017
Chwins Jun 2017
Matagal na panahong nilihim sa iyo
Isang sikretong pasan ng mga balikat ko.
Dinggin mo ako bagamat tila’y huli na,
Pagbigkas ng mga katagang marinig mo pa sana.

Halina’t sumilip sa kaibuturan ng aking puso
Nagkadurug durog at hindi man buong buo
Kailanma’y hindi naubusan ng dugo
Na tuloy pa ring dumadaloy dulot ng alaala mo.

Kailangan ko pa bang ipaliwanag ito
Isang pangungumpisal at pagsusumamo
Sa tinagal tagal ng ating pagsasama
Ni minsan ba’y dumapo sa’yo na mahal na pala kita?
365 · May 2017
Chwins May 2017
The depth of feeling I have for you is terrifying.
You’re a walking contradiction
Of the most captivating kind.
I’m a moth and you’re the flame --
And ours was the most beautiful encounter I’ve ever had.
325 · May 2017
Chwins May 2017
He had a dream where they were together
Where no one told him he didn’t stand a chance.
He had a dream where she never left,
Because in his dream, no one was there to steal her.
291 · Feb 2018
Chwins Feb 2018
Stop chasing that dream
Said the devil in my ear
Today I quash him
280 · Sep 2015
Chwins Sep 2015
I dare not look into your eyes
In fear of what I will see
But alas a drop of courage
I peek up and who is reflected back at me?

My shame, my pain, all my soul’s grime and goo
They all disappear when I look at you.

Shroud me in your ardent arms
Drowning in an embrace so sweet.
Catch me as I fall deeper into your love
I burn to feel your heat.

What good is it you see in me
That in your eyes I find my divinity?
How high a pedestal you’ve left me on
Of which my regrettable soul is unworthy.

But your eyes, your kiss, your touch
Makes all that disappear
And all I’m left with
Is an image of a woman so clear.

So true, unadulterated, untainted by fear
Who is that?
The girl you’re reflecting back at me.
I feel the familiar pull, and if I close my eyes I can just see.

How wonderful it is to see myself in you
I rest easy, feeling so secure
Comforted that at least in one person
I am pure.
271 · May 2017
From a distance
Chwins May 2017
I would love you if I could
To the edge of the earth
The bottom of the sea
Alongside undiscovered planets in the galaxy

I would love you until we're old
Until we start to see the wrinkles on our skin
Formed by the joy and the pain we shared together
I would love you through missing teeth
And through the forgetfulness in our last few years.

I would love you more than you've ever been loved
If you only bothered to look back
And see where I'm standing
Waiting, foolishly, to flash you with my best smile.

I would love you without end nor reason
With pure madness I would dance wih you
Spin you round and round until we fall in a circle of our entwined feet
And drown in fits of laughter.

I would love you if only you picked up the note I slipped into your pocket
And read the words I dare not say to your face
I would love you
In a way you've never been,
In a way she could never love you.

I would love you with every fiber of my being
With all my soul
If you only let me
I would love you behind the shadows
And reveal what you never seem to see
I've been right here all along
Waiting for you to let me in.
252 · Sep 2015
Chwins Sep 2015
Find me floating along a sea of hopelessness
Resided by the pitiable masses
I float along a river of tears,
Lost in the cries of my anguished peers.

Reach out to me give me your hand
Pull me out of this forsaken land
Where art thou my saving grace
Is there truly no hope for this abandoned race?

I look back to the place where I drew pride
Slowly, slowly it recedes, with every plight.
I stare ahead at the future so bleak
Hand against mouth, I’ve no words to speak.

Hold me, console me, speak of the heavens
Anything to distract me from all these dead ends.
Give me a reprieve if only for a time
Allow me a moment to experience the sublime.

My love, can’t you see?
My own heritage will be the death of me.
244 · Jan 2018
Early Morning Yearnings
Chwins Jan 2018
A face I shouldn’t see
Feelings I shouldn’t feel
Too evocative to ignore,
But they’re never real.

Places I don’t want to visit
Memories I wish to erase
Soft musings I pray to never hear
But I do, darling, loud and clear.

When I asked you to set me free
I failed to see
I was locked in my own fantasy
Where you never were with me.
225 · Sep 2015
Chwins Sep 2015
You were everything when you should have been nothing
I don’t even know if you’re real.
They say I’ve become inveigled by dreams,
Blinded by tales of the divine, the supernatural, and occult.
I fade into oblivion and live in a fool’s paradise waiting for our hearts to collide.

You were nothing when you should have been everything
Time just didn’t give us a chance.
Yours is the touch I’ll never get to feel,
The soul beneath the eyes I will never look into.

Your love hides behind that boy across the street,
The man beneath the soil,
The pilot lost at sea, the soldier drunk with enmity.
And I can’t reach you because
You’re everywhere but here.

You’re nothing and you’re everything at the same time
But you and I
We need to let each other go
Because, my dear soulmate,

We’re nothing when I thought we were everything
And we’re everything that’s never going to be.
You’re not real, you never will be.
I thought you were, but I realized that was just me.
218 · Sep 2015
The Departure
Chwins Sep 2015
My head slowly turned as I departed
Enamored by your impeccable beauty
Incensed with your sweet nature
My heart would stay within your reach.

You merit the world's grandest praises
As eyes marvel at an intricate pastiche
A soulmate who sings to the same tune
And moves to the same beat.

Yet shackles restrain me from falling
In the sullen stillness of the dark
The cold wind surges in the peaceful sky
And my heart shivers with grief.

Thus I take you into my dreams
Into the deeper stages where hope floats
In a place where time runs slowly
In a place where I could love you infinitely.

As I open my eyes at the break of dawn
I reluctantly embrace reality
That lovely night is almost over
And still you are not with me.
From someone I used to know
210 · May 2017
That Night
Chwins May 2017
Our eyes met and in an instant
I was falling right into your embrace
Slowly, falling gently
Until all I could see was a blurry face.
With waves crashing in the background
We moved to the rhythm of the stars
You took me to heights I never knew existed
I melted right into your arms.
Our hearts beat faster, with every ******
Beads of sweat forming - every drop filled with lust.
All memories erased, all thoughts receding
I rose higher and higher, my control fleeting.
And just when I thought it would last forever
I came crashing back down
Heaving, panting, breathing a sigh of pure pleasure
I’m already lost thinking of our next round. ;)
184 · Sep 2015
Chwins Sep 2015
My wordless pursuits keep me up at night
As I discover life’s joyous delights.
And so I’ve come bearing the gift of rhyme
I’ve loved you after all this time.

The very source of my pain
Is the one thing I can’t live without.
But I’d stick around, do it all again
If you would understand what this is all about.

You’re my downfall, you knock me off my feet
In ways so unexpected I’ve no choice but concede.
In this life I thought was boredom personified
I’ve come to reveal what I always chose to hide.

You’re the light at the end of a gloomy day
The rain on my parade
And I hope in my heart you choose to stay,
For all the things in me you’ve destroyed and made.

Know that when I push you away
I am actually begging you to stay.
173 · Jan 2018
Chwins Jan 2018
It claws at my neck
Chokes me til I'm breathless
This invisible force
I dare not speak of to anyone else

My heart starts to pound
My breathing accelerates
My vision begins to blur
My sweat turns cold as ever

And just as I'm about to hit the ground
It retreats and recedes like a coward
Dear anxiety,
These panic attacks are getting old.
173 · May 2017
Broken Hearts
Chwins May 2017
I’ve seen it all, more than once or twice
I bore witness to the deceit and lies
It starts with two falling in mutual desire
And ends with one putting out the fire.
I’ve seen them all – they come and they go
I’ve walked by men and women and I just know
They’re busy picking up the pieces of hearts that were once whole.
167 · Feb 2018
What is love
Chwins Feb 2018
It's flying without wings,
And falling when you didn't jump.
It's getting hit by a freight train,
When you weren't even standing on the tracks.

Some say it's a feeling,
Others seal it with a kiss;
It's a language you never knew you could speak,
When you two started talking.
It's dreading the end
When you haven't even started.
It's drowning and floating at the same time,
Except you don't find yourself in the water.
158 · May 2017
Some you give away
Chwins May 2017
They say I love too much, and I ask
Is there any other way?
Because if there is, then what’s the point
If you’re not going to give it all away?

Some you keep, some you give away
Or so I’ve been told
But what’s a life if not
One of those fairytales of old?

A fool – that’s what I am they say
Better a fool than a selfish man
Who has a world to give away
154 · Sep 2016
Never was
Chwins Sep 2016
If you ask me
When you ask me
(Because you will)
About what you are to me
Don’t ask me if you’re not ready
To hear how my heart beats for you alone.
Or have you forgotten
How you led me
Led me to fall right into your trap
When you told me
Said to me that I was worth more than gold.

Instead you’ll hear my whispers
Sent quietly into the night
Listen, listen so she doesn’t hear
How you’ve kept me hidden on the side.

Deny me
Go ahead turn on your heel
Say you never
Never ever
Made a promise to hold me near.
She will hate you
As I imagine she might
She will scream
She will look at me with disgust
And you’ll chase after her
Not me
Because I am, as always - the girl that never was.
153 · Jun 2017
Coffee Shop
Chwins Jun 2017
It was the downtown coffee shop where they first met
A beautiful morning on the first of May.
She glanced up from the Paulo Coelho book she was reading,
Into hazel eyes that refused to look away.

Fast forward to a year later, outside the same place.
He got down on one knee.
"I will love you forever, Marry Me" he said.
She whispered "yes" for all the crowd to see.

Five years later she lays in bed,
On stained pillows that bore marks of the tears she has shed.
Heaving dry sobs as she remembers way back when,
He promised he wouldn't cheat on her again.

Two months later she feels a pain in her chest.
Doctor says it's terminal, she has a year at best.
He breaks down and begs forgiveness for the cheating
The deceit, the lies, and the girl who won't stop calling.

She withers away right in front of his eyes
And he's left with no answers and nothing but whys
Remembering the day at the cafe where they first met
She died 2 months later, leaving him with nothing but regret.
143 · Jan 2018
It takes two
Chwins Jan 2018
Today I heard a lady say that it takes two
To make something matter nothing.
And from the recesses of my mind, a question:
When did I cease to matter to you?
I must have played a role in our demise
Even when I wasn't aware it was happening.
123 · Feb 2018
Chwins Feb 2018
In, out, in, out
It burns.
Lungs are on fire,
Every breath hurts.

I run and I don't stop
Pounding on the pavement.
With every gulp of air
Somehow falling short.

I scream and I don't stop
Walls echoing in disdain.
In, out, in, out
I breathe in vain.

In, out, in out;
Life goes on.
120 · Jun 2017
Six Feet Under
Chwins Jun 2017
Six feet under is where my love for you should be
Right from the day I said you were dead to me.
Six feet under, buried in the ground,
But ‘til now in my heart, it remains safe and sound.
I remember the day I visited your grave
Beneath the tombstone I lovingly made
“A friend, a lover, a heartbreaker in his final hour”
Was the story of how our relationship went sour.
It was the day I brought your memory back to life
Stabbing myself in the process with this metaphorical knife.
Now your touch is all but resurrected,
Back to where I buried it – in the land of the dead.
110 · Jan 2018
Fight or Flight
Chwins Jan 2018
How do you deal with beseeching eyes
Not quite begging you to stay,
But silently asking you not to leave?
Do you just walk away?

How do you leave something you’ve grown to love?
Do you just fade into the background?
Or do you foster relationships
And play lost and found?

Many a fool has done it
Or are they actually smarter than me?
If I ask them how they did it,
Will they say it was easy?

Is it more painful to be left behind,
Or to be the one who walks away?
But how do you walk away
When every fiber of your being wants to stay?
87 · Jan 2018
In distress
Chwins Jan 2018
Tired whispers
One-sided ironies
Made up memories
Set me free.

Fitful sleep
Eyes wet from tears that won't fall.
A fleeting memory of a kiss
Lips feeling tender.

Hands still warm from your fingers
The only real truth.
Fantasies be ******,
Leave my heart to rest.

You should have been more circumspect
With the words you uttered
Caressed ears, dancing heart
All shattered when I saw her.

Leave me be.
I still want to belong to you.
Never was, never will
But you plague me STILL.

— The End —