Eyelids descend like a guillotine,
decapitating the visual stimuli
my mind engrosses upon in daylight.

Then there is a numbness as the
cascading representations of my
day are all rendered darkened silence.

*"My day is colour, my dreams are black and white,

I just don’t belong here,
I don’t understand myself at all.
I don’t want to be here
But I don’t want to leave you till its time…
So if I manage to stay here tonight
Will you please just tell me that it will be alright?
Because I don’t want to be here,
I’m about ready to give up this fight.

I stare at the pictures of us tonight
As these tears stream down my face,
It’s getting harder to breath
And this pain in my chest is taking it out of me.
I see the face of you and someone I don’t like
She’s staring back at me, with a smile I cannot find;
But tonight, I can’t bear to pick up the phone
I can’t even tell you…I’m not alright, I want to go.

I'm terrified you will finally turn away from me,
The long silences increase my anxieties…
I don’t want to hurt you,
I don’t want to bother you again tonight
Because we’re going in circles
And I don’t want you to see the mess that I’m truly in…
So please understand if I try to push you away once again
I just know you can do so much better!

I tell her that tomorrow
Slides slowly to meet my
Familiar night.

That the changes are few
And subtle. I am OK, I say,
Face still cold from last night's

Pavement.
Truth is I'm terrified.
Heartbroken and soaked in

Myself, clinging to the past with
One hand, fighting its demons
With the other. Terrified.

Embracing my inner
Earthling. Loathing it.
Terrified. Loving it.

I used to think I was only human.
Now I
Know.

Is it nostalgia,
Habit or that little culprit

The awakening
Once more
The heart dropped
As if you were never gone

We ignore the signs
That tear us apart
Though history taught us
We are not enough

Love with you,
In perpetuity, and never sure
I can without
But I would rather not.