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951 · Mar 2019
Self care
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Alone, broken, confused
Reliving my greatest fear
Tormented day and night
How do I sleep at night

Shattered soul
Trying to pick up the pieces
The days never end

c.m.l.
574 · Mar 2019
My fault in my stars
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Stuck in this world that I thought was once perfect
Trapped here with no hope of rescue
My soul is tormented each day
This is my personal hell

This is real and it is true, I'm stuck here
This person won't let me leave

Why won't he let me leave?
Doesn't he care about how I feel?

Aren't you supposed to sacrifice if you love someone?
Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Why won't he do this for me?
Why doesn't he let me leave?

I thought he loved me
But I was wrong

He loved how I loved him
Even thought I don't
I lied

I stayed because I was lonely
But now I'm trapped and I rather be lonely instead

Why did I do this to myself?
What was I thinking?

I wasn't in the right state of mind when I started this
It's all my fault
My reality is shifted

I can't see the future
I don't have hope

I think I'm stuck here like this forever

c.m.l.
428 · Mar 2019
Social Anxiety
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Always alone, can never have enough attention
Always afraid to speak up, or out.
Never feeling like you are good enough, too plain.
Always feeling tired and weak.
Too much on my mind to converse.
Why does this happen to me, why can't I be normal?

Always afraid to show myself.
Always afraid to say something.
No one likes the real me, too weird.
No one will ever love me, not even myself.

Will I ever be able to fix myself?
Will someone be able to fix me?
Will anyone ever want to be my friend?
Will anyone ever talk to me?
Will I ever be good enough?
Will I ever find a best friend?

All these questions haunt me, taunt me.
Forever taking my soul.
Crushing it into a million pieces.
How does anyone survive this conundrum?

I will never survive, I will slowly die.
I will be a crushed piece of a cold heart.
I turn into a nobody.
I turn into someone I don't want to be.

Help me!
Help me escape these hell I have created myself to be.
Why did I do this to myself?
Why couldn't I just be normal?

Will I ever be at peace?

c.m.l.
382 · Mar 2019
Enlightened
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Your voice is like silk on my skin
Your laugh is like the sun on my icy heart
Your eyes are the universe in the night sky

c.m.l.
dedicated to my boyfriend
335 · Mar 2019
Pretending that I'm fine
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Hollow in this body
Emptiness and void
The pain, the fear

Unbelievable
Deniability
But it's true, it's real

Pretending I'm fine
But all I do is lie
Will it ever end?

The void gets bigger
It's swallowing me whole
Will there be anything left?

Suffering endured
Endlessly forever
Death will be thy end.

c.m.l.
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Drunk and wasted on illness
Taken in by weakness
Drained and *******
Act like everything's okay but it isn't
Die over and over til it's over
Crying, confused, lost
Scared and no one to talk to
Wanna get ****** up but already ******
Wanna go out but no one to ****
Everyone's gone and I'm all alone
I wanna go somewhere but no where is home
I scream out loud all my frustrations I feel
I wanna go back to my safety shield
Why is my life so difficult
Why do I have to endure this pain all alone
No one understands how ****** we are
No one wants to hear our ******* up explanation
Why don't we matter, why isn't this real
Why can't anyone just understand, that this pain is real

c.m.l.
326 · Mar 2019
A love I thought I loved
Christina Maria Mar 2019
I will wait, I will go
I will walk the scorched earth just to be with you again
I will die and be reborn
You are the only person who makes me feel this way
I will always love you
My heart, soul, and mind belong to you.
You complete me, you are my soulmate.

c.m.l.
Christina Maria Mar 2019
My mind is a scary place
Sometimes I get dragged down into the abyss
There are unimaginable terrors
Creatures I've created
The only way to get out is to fight them off

Sword in hand, I slay these created creatures
In a suit full of self loved armor
I beat them, alone, unafraid
I rise again

c.m.l.
289 · Mar 2019
Stolen Hearts
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Your heart was mine but I didn't know it
Wasn't til later til I knew I stole it

My heart was yours but didn't know it
Wasn't til later til I knew you stole it

c.m.l.
289 · Mar 2019
Rollercoaster to Hell
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Did you ever think life was to be like this?
A never ending roller coaster going at high speed?
No? Me either.

If I'm on a roller coaster going to hell, I'm glad I get to experience it with you.

c.m.l.
279 · Mar 2019
Long distanced love
Christina Maria Mar 2019
He was there
She was here

Both wishing to be together
Lonely in their own space

Together they would be happy

Missing him
Missing her

They both want to touch each other

Kiss him
Kiss her

They want each other

c.m.l.
278 · Mar 2019
Finding a new path
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Her heart beat harder than ever before
No other man could make her feel this way

His voice was a soothing calm like rain
She could listen to him talk forever
The accent made her feel soft and cozy

A smile beamed from her lips
Heart heavy on her shoulder

She fell, he caught her
Just as promised

c.m.l.
Christina Maria Mar 2019
This fiery passion I cannot ignore
What we have is raw and unique
Our love is infinite and forever more
Our souls entwined, connected as one

My heart only beats for you
My soul is free from its cage
Now complete by the love you gave
Alive, free, reborn, awoken
You are my savior
I worship the ground you walk on

Only you can make me feel this way
I will walk a million miles just to see you smile
I will slay every monster, defy anything
Together we will conquer the world

c.m.l.
261 · Mar 2019
Reunited
Christina Maria Mar 2019
This one man gave her everything she needed
He gave her laughter, comfort, strength, and piece of mind

He is her knight in shining armor
He makes her feel like a queen

Even when she is low
The sound of his voice raises her higher

He is her light in the darkness
He is her rock, her missing piece

Her soul had found the one she has been looking for

c.m.l.
258 · Mar 2019
Destined to be
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Stuck inside constant torment
How can I move on
Too sensitive, too weak
Now I'm going to fall

My mind is cloudy
My heart is broken
My soul is destroyed

No hope to be found
No one to save me

Irreparable
Unsalvageable

Lost and alone
Destined to be

c.m.l.
245 · Mar 2019
Rejection
Christina Maria Mar 2019
I want affection but I have no intention
Because I am scared of rejection.
****** over too many times.
Pushed away, ignored.

c.m.l.
244 · Mar 2019
Once lover, now gone
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Gentle hazel eyes twinkle at the sight of me.
A curved smile so beautiful it shines at me.
The feelings are undeniable.
Love is so simple, love is so sweet.
My soul is complete.

c.m.l.
An ex boyfriend.
244 · Mar 2019
Rising from the ashes
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Broken
Shattered
Torn
Used
Beaten
*****

Dead
Alone
Gone

Ripped from this world
By the creators of evil

Done
Over

Risen from the ashes
Alive, reborn into an angel from hell
Soaring above
Conquer

c.m.l.
242 · Mar 2019
Until you came along
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Shattered heart lying on the ground
Splintery in different directions with no hope of being connected
Hope gone with the wind
Replaced with dread and fear

Love is gone
People are replaceable

Until you came along.

c.m.l.
239 · Mar 2019
Old love
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Words will never express this love we share
My heart strings tug only for you
Everything about you gives me breath
My soul is my other half
I have never felt this way with anyone else
Together we will conquer anything
My heart only beats for you
Say you love me cause I love you

c.m.l.
Written for an ex boyfriend.
234 · Mar 2019
Misty Ann
Christina Maria Mar 2019
My heart, my soul weeps
My best friend of 14 years has passed
My sweet little princess is now an angel
She will never be in the past

I weep for my loss, eyes swollen
My heart is broken too
I love her so much, I will always
I wish I had more time with her

My little white fluffy pillow pet
Will always be in my heart
I will never forget her
I will always cherish you

All the memories we have made
Thank you for being in my life this long
You were the best dog ever
I am so grateful to have had you in my life

Sweet dreams my love, have a peaceful sleep
You are some place better now
You are not suffering any longer
We will meet again one day.

c.m.l.
Dedication to my first love, my first pet.
225 · Mar 2019
Peace
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Even through the chaos you make me feel at peace

c.m.l.
217 · Mar 2019
Talk is cheap
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Words are empty promises
Talk is cheap
Meaning can be easily said than done

c.m.l.
212 · Mar 2019
Healed and Reborn
Christina Maria Mar 2019
My heart is no longer withered
I feel like I can finally breathe
I am full, stuffed, complete.
My soul is healed, I am reborn.
I feel like a goddess who just transformed.
My heart is soaring, my head held high.
Love gives me strength, I will survive.

c.m.l.
210 · Mar 2019
Self Pity
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Closed inside a bubble of self pity
Thoughts of events gone wrong inside me
Trapped with no air to breathe in
Stuck in this reality for what it is believed in

c.m.l.
207 · Mar 2019
I love you beyond words
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Words are a boundary
They hold back feelings in short little sentences
They mean much but also mean little
Emotions are expressed beyond words


c.m.l.
201 · Mar 2019
Imperfectly Perfect
Christina Maria Mar 2019
My heart lay bare and exposed
He picked it up tenderly and carried it away

My heart was now his
In exchange he gave his as well

She picked it up and took it away
Both in different directions

Their hearts both bare to each other
Now his is hers, hers is his

They will never be broken
The suffering will cease

Because she knows he loves her, and she loves him
Completely imperfectly perfect

c.m.l.
196 · Mar 2019
Scattered Remains
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Tossed around
Torn apart
Broken away

Pieces caught drifting in the wind
Scattered among the ruins of a fiery path

c.m.l.
195 · Mar 2019
No longer
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Scarred, beaten, broken
Wrapped in a cocoon of lies
Filled with despair and hopelessness
Tortured, alone, confused

Once came a man with the ability to set me free
All he did was came and captured my heart
A soothing voice that had love wrapped in the words
He set me free from the holding cell I was trapped in

Blessed be I now that I am free
My heart slowly mending as it can be
No longer a prisoner
No longer alone
No longer afraid

c.m.l.
190 · Mar 2019
Love, Live, Laugh
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Looking at the past does nothing for the future
Dwelling on something bad won't help

Rising from your ashes and start again

Hope and positivity are the only route you should go
Don't let bad experiences keep you from life

Love, live, laugh

c.m.l.
185 · Mar 2019
Trust is foreign
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Thoughts become unspeakable
Mind plays tricks
Scared and confused am I
Why am I like this

Dazed and depressed
Alone and afraid
Who deserves this
No one

Words are meaningless
The actions don't add up
Sealed. Locked. Closed.
My heart will become

Trust is foreign
Alone is normal
I lock myself away

c.m.l.
182 · Mar 2019
Lust is deadly
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Skin radiantly glowing
Lips tastes so sweet
Hair rustled and messy
Eyes devouring
Lust and love

c.m.l.
177 · Mar 2019
Poisonous Monster
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Wicked my mind becomes
It plays tricks on me
It tells me how to be

I try to break free from this insanity
But I am trapped
I am confused

Is this reality?
My mind breaks
My heart shatters
I leave and lie

I cry and cry
I am lost, will I be found?
Who will save me from this abyss?
My heart is black, my mind poisonous

There is no hope

No destination
No reason to live
No connection

Darkness consumes me
Now a monster I am

c.m.l
168 · Mar 2019
Conversation
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Words are a complex problem
You can say one thing but mean another
You can lie and people will think it's truthful

What's the point in talking if you just talk
Just using words to get to an end
Why not use words to go further
Rather than straight to the end

Why does no one want this anymore
All we do is talk to an end not further

c.m.l.
167 · Mar 2019
My ride or die
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Unstable and weak
Crying and blaming
My heart is heavy
My eyes filled with tears
My mind is scrambled
My mental illness consuming me
Accusing, abandoning, leaving
I can't think straight
My heart hurts from crying
I lost everyone I could
Pushed them away because I was unsure of myself
Now I have no one, no one to save me
Love doesn't even care for me
Hurt and alone
Want to die
Why did I do this to myself?
Can I really blame my mental illness?
Or is it really me who just caused this?

All I have left is my mental illness
No support, no love just me, myself, and I
Wish I could just **** myself but I'm too cowardly
And no one would ever want to help me because I push people away when things get scary
What to do now, have no clue
Guess I have to suffer now
There's no cure I'm stuck with this for life
It's my only ride or die now
No one will save me

c.m.l.
165 · Mar 2019
Connection
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Soulmates are rare
Deep rooted bonds
An otherworldly bond
Nothing else completes

Just and only that one person
And you just feel complete

Nothing else matters
Not a care in the world

Just you, just me

c.m.l.
Christina Maria Mar 2019
I gave you love
And all I got in return was lies
I gave you my all
And all I got was your worst
I gave you happiness
And you gave me pain

Your words spun to make a victim
My words spun to make a villain

You never wanted me
You lied to me
You ***** me

A young girl who didn't know better
With a man much older than her

She was alone and scared
And he took advantage

I will always blame myself
But you are the one to blame

c.m.l.
159 · Mar 2019
Peace after the Storm
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Deep meaningful conversations
Face flushed and heart racing
Happiness spread throughout my body

You embody warmth
You embody my love

Mouth hurts from smiling
Eyes crinkled from laughing

My soul is at peace
I am at peace after the chaotic storm

c.m.l.
152 · Mar 2019
Unrepairable
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Wasted years on toxicity
Broken promises
Lies and scandal
Used and tossed aside

Made out to be a villain but actually the victim
Helpless and hopeless
Destined to be

Unrepairable damage

c.m.l.
150 · Mar 2019
I am Darkness
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Darkness is a word
That describes something bad

I am darkness

c.m.l.
146 · Mar 2019
Enlightenment
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Bask in your sunlight
Glowing with stars at nighttime

A smile that lights up my world
Eyes that show me a future

Love that strengthens me
Empowers me
Enlightens me

c.m.l.
146 · Mar 2019
Scattered
Christina Maria Mar 2019
My heart in a whirlwind
Caught in a bind
Pieces of me scattered
No where to find

c.m.l.
142 · Mar 2019
A singing heart
Christina Maria Mar 2019
My heart sings to me in a way unknown before
It sings to me because of you
You make my heart sing

c.m.l.
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Christmas day is when she realized she loved him

Last night was filled with annoyance
But also with laughter and peacefulness

Last night he made her angry
But he said he'd love her always

The night ended in a simple phrase in another language
The night ended with her filled with hope for the future

She tried to push away the feelings
But they always flooded her mind, heart, and soul

Every time she talked to him
She was at peace

She didn't are about the world
She only cares about him

c.m.l.
He is my center, my being revolves around him.
137 · Mar 2019
Hopeless
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Scared to be loved and to give love
Afraid of what's going to happen

Mind shattered and heart broken to pieces
Dying on the inside but too strong to show it

She doesn't want to look for love
Love always hurts

Love is painful and unkind
Torment and loss are all she knows

Always expecting what she doesn't get
She deserves so much more

Self love is gone, she is hopeless
Love will never find her again

c.m.l.
137 · Mar 2019
Affliction
Christina Maria Mar 2019
I inflict pain on myself and others
Ruining relationships is a habit
No self confidence
Anxiety and depression are to blame

Putting blame on something other than you is wrong
No one understands something unless they live it

My heart is constantly shattered
My mind is burnt out
My body grows tired
I am weak

Why was I given a mental illness?
Why can't I be normal?
What is wrong with me?
Will I ever be good enough?

There are questions I ask myself daily.

c.m.l.
134 · Mar 2019
Woman
Christina Maria Mar 2019
She's a woman
Who has to defend herself
Who had to rely on no one
Who had to struggle through life

Mistakes made her realize her worth
Lies made her see the truth

The past is in the past
And the future is too far to care about
What happens now is all that matters

c.m.l.
133 · Mar 2019
Undoing my pain
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Insufferable pain, tossed away like garbage
Broken, shattered into pieces
Scarred and bruised with disappointments
Alone and confused
Terrified of what's to come and home to move on
Heart broken and damaged
Wounded like never before
Beaten down, torn apart, ripped.
Tormented, nightmares replayed over and again

Have to fix this myself
Have to repair this damage
Have to undo this pain

c.m.l.
128 · Mar 2019
Replaced my pain with love
Christina Maria Mar 2019
You filled my hearts crevices
You filled the cracks in my broken heart
You put it back together
You made it beat harder, stronger

My heart was filled with pain
You filled it with love
Washed away my sorrow
Washed away my painful experiences

Replaced them with meaning
Replaced them with happiness
With laughter
With love

c.m.l.
121 · Mar 2019
Broken
Christina Maria Mar 2019
Lost and confused
Broken and irreparable
My heart is shattered

c.m.l.
A short poem
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