Home on my own
Nobody's here,
but I'm never alone
I'm entertaining my fears.
Running wild in my mind
they keep taunting my face
I can never escape
Where is my peace?

I know you,
though you don't always like
the you I see.
Uncertainty,
vulnerability
that you don't want to see,
or be seen
rises in moments of trust
but I hope it's ok
that I know...

I give you love
I give you time
I give you pleasure
I give you my whole heart
but you don't seem to notice,
so now I f*in' give...

What kind of woman do you get
by standing back
and pursuing none?
Only the desperate ones...

I have been patient
not always
but mostly...
for a very long time.

Occasional outbursts
of NOOO...please!?!
have startled
and driven you
to hide again

Hurt humanity gone awry,
I hold my tongue again
while you walk away...

It's all for naught...I am pretty sure.

Yet I pull at threads

and grasp at shadows

to believe,

to see what I want to see.

Trying in desperation to attach my soul to  yours,

I toss my heart in your direction,

and watch as it free-falls through space...

You smile and wink

and go on your way,

just as it falls

with a thud

that shudders through my being,

before I pick it up,

cobble it back together

and by some means try to trust you again

In my heart,
come joy or heartache
(even that which is caused by you).
Love that should last a lifetime...
until the multiplication of pain
tears the heart bit by bit
and the only course of action
seems to be to extricate you
by any means
from my heart,
in order to preserve it.
And so love dies...
to an uneasy stand-off.

You see yourself as less,

apologizing for fancied flaws & imagined improprieties.

I see the kindness of your heart,

desiring good for all those around you.

You see yourself as dark,

full of negativity & sarcastic statements.

I see in unguarded moments

the softness of your soul,

and genuineness of your generous heart.

You see yourself as undisciplined,

as lacking routine & constancy.

I see the strength of conviction

that guides your heart,

the self-made statutes of kindness that control you .

You are ever willing to condemn yourself

by some artificial standard of  attainment

given to you by others,

who may not know your quintessence...

but I know you.


I love the life I see within you &

love to be connected to the wit & wisdom

& wondrous effervescence that are You.

How blessed is the mind that can forget,

and looking back remember only melodies,

without the darkened undertones of life,

which then remain only as the harmonies.

If memories of darkly haunting sorrow

can fade beneath the music of the light,

the blending of these two as time continues

creates within a soul the song of life

A well of insecurity lies within

which takes a mere hint

of love or affection,

to wrench to the surface,

sending it rushing uncontrolled

all over my life.


Would that I would not splash

that pool of anxiety onto you

who deserve nothing but my untainted heart,

but waves wash out &

when I least expect it

come crashing down on you.


Yet you bear up under the onslaught

and continue to show up again & again

even when I count you out.

your constancy stills the surging swells

until they are mere ripples under the surface

of the calm sea that is our love.

I’d like to be what you want

but it seems I fall short.

Life has trimmed back my branches

and limited my emotional reach.

I would love to stretch out

to where you are

to catch you and carry you

above where you think you can go.

Yet I’m trapped by the twisted distortions

of my trunk, my withered leaves,

and gnarled arms,

and I hesitate to even offer you shelter.

So I stand silent

as your gentle wind

stirs my branches in vain.

Turning in a crowd

I recognized you

a face unfamiliar,

a soul akin to my own.

Pausing to consider

I searched your eyes.

Your heart beckoned

and I succumbed.

Moving out of darkness at a crawl

pressing into light,

I lay aside encumbrances

one small shred at a time.

Though dropping an ounce of vice here & there,

I long to throw down more, break the chains,

and divest myself completely of  this heavy load

and run to my future unencumbered.

Yet here I stalk slowly forward

losing no more than minimal amounts

of the weight that does beset me,

trudging more than running the race,

noting every inch of progress,

recording in my mind any gain however small

that tells me I  may someday have some hope of winning this race.

(Hebrews 12:1)

Shock waves, tremors,

rolling en force from the core of my being,

out of the impact of what has

transpired so unforeseen,

reverberating from my life to others,

and just as in me the rumble subsides

undulating back to blast me in the face,

a stark reminder of the force of the initial tremor -

unanticipated aftershock

The poignancy of love,

the high, the low,

the ebb and flow of emotion

....torture & delight in one.

And is  it yet enough,

the raptured heights of love?

when love would break your heart

with it's coy, precocious arts.


Oft hope will soar you high

and fly with you for miles,

then drop you like a stone

all bruised and so forlorn

and then who is to blame,

but your own foolish, lame,

deceitful heart?

Life alters in one moment

from health to sickness,

from life to death

but never back again.

No foresight or knowledge

can predict, or prepare us for what is to come...

so we live on the edge of promise

on the cusp of doom,

trying not to lean too far in one direction

or another,

and tip the scales

into the uncertainty

of which we constantly live in fear.

Maybe there is only one real shot at love, life, happiness?

& if you miss it the first time,

the arrow no longer ever flies straight,

but must transverse a maze that would confound the gods

to come anywhere near hitting a mark again.

What if my aim is not that good,

my sight too short,

or my arm not that strong...

where will that arrow land?

Will you love me...?

not with flowery phrases or soaring sonnets

but with a timely word of hope on a dark day?

Will you love me...?

not with grandiose gifts and gestures

but with your companionship and well-timed cold water in the heat?

Will you love me,

not with promises of eternal bliss,

but with the consistency of your presence with each new day

and a hand on my back on the long, hard road?

Embrace the twinge of hurt

attached to the deeper pain

which must painstakingly be drawn to the surface

in order to be removed

When did those three little words become
an obligation you seek to avoid?

Or 'I miss you' a thorn that rankles in your side?

My sincere love & desire just another demand on your already stressful day?

I could take it all back
or give it to another,
but I seem to have lost all the receipts,

and there really is no one else...

Trusting, sometimes to the point of gullibility,

I feel things deeply (too deeply for some) and express it when it's safe...

if not, I'll remain silent and stay away.


More random than most and pretty abstract,  I'm likely to take what you say very literally and sincerely care about every word.

Not extremely outgoing, though I can carry a conversation with pretty much anyone, but still can be so awkward in social situations.

I've been through a lot  and sadly doubted myself too much.

As life has rolled over me, I've finally come to the conclusion that I am no more or less messed-up than anybody.

Gotta own who I am, and they can take it or leave it

Apologizing or trying to be other than who I am, doesn't change a thing

And I just wont do it anymore!

numbness besets

after years of trying,

putting out a soft heart,

then repealing it

under fire.

hope again crushed,

I feel the fool,

but really not much else other than tired...

and finished...for a moment.

I let you define who I am

The waves of your opinion

splash out of your every word & action

onto the essence of me,

washing away all I may have esteemed in myself

with the fear of your disgust, your disapproval, your departure ...



I let you shape me.

The wind of your every prepossession

pelted against me sands of disdain,

eventually eroding away my own impressions of life.



I let you reduce me.

The fire of your critical appraisal

smolders in my soul,

incinerating bit by bit my vision of who I am...

until for protection,

I crawl away to hide a while

from your harshest elements.

Summer was

warm, fluid breezes on tan skin,

laughter, and water, and blue sky

over us.


Summer was

fierce sun

blocked by shades,

heating half-dressed flesh

to perfection.


Summer was

grilled burgers & brats,

and a cold Coke,

with potato salad

on the side.


Summer was

soft evening air,

with the first stirring of mosquitoes

as we slapped and scratched,

and wandered home in the dark,

.....satisfied.

Poised there on the precipice,

I dared to gaze into the depths

of your eyes;

as a wave of wonder washed over me

I found myself falling,

a rush of exhilaration

tempering the instinctive surge of fear.

Floating free again, I found no foothold,

and with relief ceased fighting the gentle tide

that drew me through uncertain waters

into your arms.

I'd like to be what you want

but  I fall short.

Life has trimmed back my branches,

limiting my emotional reach.


I'd love to stretch out

to where you are,

catch you and carry you

above where you think you can go.


Yet I'm trapped by the twisted distortions

of my trunk, my withered leaves,

and gnarled arms,

and I hesitate to even offer you shelter.


So I stand silent

as your gentle wind

stirs my branches in vain.

It feels easier at times to turn my heart away,

than to stand in the volatility of love;

to harden my heart,

than to live with the vulnerability

of having given it away.


A snarl erupting from my inner being

is an unfair response to your devotion,

but it rises as a scream of pain at the fear of loss...

I know this love to be fragile though true.


So I still the cry and stem the pride,

stepping into fear though I may tremble,

for I know the cause of love to be worthy of such sacrifice,

though a more timid heart would never know.

The taste of death alters the soul:

once coolly cautious of its effects,

now we are struck hard by its bold proximity


Once filled with dread at its prospect,

now we are at once infected by,

and yet inoculated against its cruel pangs...

It has become part of our world.


In seeing and knowing we learn yet more to fear it,

but also by familiarity to bear it

as one more part of the perplexing picture

growing before our eyes.


Dust returns to dust,

rising from the devastation of our lives.

Yet while grief and rage would fell us,

Life bids us rise up and go on.


We falter forward, resisting the inner call to despair,

with hope in time and endurance

to soften the sharpest edges of pain.


Now in our souls we bear the mark

of ones who have been touched by death,

and we know in our very beings

that we will never be the same

My soul is turned inside out;

my heart lies bare on the table.

With a careless slice I have thrown it there myself.

When did I become one who destroyed...?


Once when I thought I was wise

I sought to build up, to give & receive,

a living source of life and love to my own.


Foolishly, in the name of loving submission,

of nurturing another's soul and the greater good,

I let his darkness consume me,

blaming myself all the while,

till I could no longer bear it...


In a fury, I came out fighting,

clawing at the air, consumed with rage,

slaying even those who came to me with healing.


Now standing in the carnage

I shudder at the sight

and wish to God that I had rather continued

to turn those claws upon myself

than to have carved up the souls of those I love

and live in desperate knowledge

of the devastation

I have effected upon their hearts and mine.

You, the essence of my heart,

can win me & lose me in one moment,

carefree confidence descending into fear of failure...

an alarming look at the likelihood of loss.


My soul has risen to the immediacy of my mouth

where a touch of your tongue can draw it into your own

or your heedless words send it reeling back

into the dark recesses,

where it hides from the fierce light...

tormented by the longing for another touch.

Long ruled by others' whims,

coerced too much by the force of their convictions,

oddly oblivious to my own...

at last I am determined to set my own course

and establish my own path,

now I walk into the wind, though hurricanes blow.

Falling and staying down is not an option,

so when strong desire & stark reality

seem like strangers passing in the night,

only so vaguely aware of each other,

I must determine whether I will trust

the folly of hope or the certainty of pain

and keep walking no matter what.

Silence feeds the soul...

amidst  the raucous noise of commerce,

-rushing orders, calming nerves, selling slick solutions-

the cry & hue of human drama rises

with disparate dreams & goals,

conflicting heart & understanding;

we hear the news of war and rumors of increasing terror,

and as the arguments of fools rise & fall,

reciting inanity as their sacred mantras,

I pause.

A soft wind rises,

blowing through the the silent air.

Leaves rustle in the simple sunlight

as time is still.

I rest on softness,

and my soul is restored.

What is destiny and where is my control?

Here I walk, think, move, strive…

whether for, or oft against, prevailing winds,

Changing, turning backwards from sun to moon

And back again…

I know it ALL!!

and then doubting...

stand blankly waiting for some missing sign...

Having fallen, does it mean I can not rise?

I will not be counted out!

Knowing now why I fell, I work incessantly,

to turn the wheel in the other direction.

rising limb by limb above the mistakes of my past

Resting to gain more strength at every stop

And breathing ever easier as I rise…

All I ever wanted was everything:

the white knight, the big castle, the candy-coated kingdom,

the splendid gesture riding in on the great white horse.

And then he came...militantly chivalrous,

full of romance & honey-covered words

sweeping me off my feet with the force

of his pertinacious declarations of love.

Entranced, I surrendered as much to the visions in my head

as to the dark knight who came for me...

At times I live in Dreams,

when Reality is the Nightmare

from which I would run screaming,

if I were but to open my eyes.

For unlike Dreams,

which, at times, mind & will can alter...

Reality continues stubbornly to BE

against all wishes to the contrary...

Dreams crumble in its face

and I awake in tears.