So this is how we end.
My heart barely beating, still in your hands.
Your all so hopeful words now stain my senses like a pungent scent.
And yet after everything, I cannot ignore.
I still love you even after all this time.
You left me waiting and hoping , all at your beck and call.
As you step out with that sorry look on your face you still take my heart with you.
Only nothingness replacing what was once in my chest.
Where have you gone and where will you go?
Maybe in another time and in another life.
You wouldn't have left me behind.
Still hoping and praying to a god I don't believe in.
That you will come running back in my arms like you used to.
You're gone just like that.
Every moment that we have.
Our own small little world
That we often hide together in.
Yet I cannot help but be afraid.
As you sit beside me making promises.
Promises you cant keep.
You coat my eyes with honey.
The numbing feeling that keeps setting in.
You always know what to do.
But I know that promises
They are not meant to be kept.
Even as you sit next to me.
The dreadful feeling sinks into my depths.
As you hold my hand and swear to me.
All of you and what you'd do for me
It is only a matter of time as you walk away with your loss of warmth and fading dreams.
You cannot keep empty oaths as fragile as porcelain plates.
You're scaring me.
With the light slipping through the cracks of my shut windows.
My records playing and travelling around every surface of this cursed house.
The ringing of the alarm from my sisters room awakens me from my midnight daze.
The peace of such a restless night finally decides to befall on my worn out body.
My dreams to be reflected from the sunlight gleam
Always aiming for my mind and it's spectres.
Busy night but its time to sleep
Sight of mine dulled to nothing but red.
My aching fingers bleeding from the splayed out shards of glass.
Time and time again, this feeling will never truly fade.
The destruction that eases into every walk that I take.
The pent up pain that does not soothe
It only comes in waves of doubt and an ache that runs deeply through my body.
I can only sit in silence and wait for it to wash over as the never-ending wrath bounces in the corners of the room.
No freedom found as I keep myself from lashing out.
My blood keeps dripping around my pooling ire.
To lock up such a monster that laps away at every upset and disappointment
There really is no telling when
The day it stops rocking back and forth the dark curtained bedroom I try to subdue it in.
The day my warm blood no longer satisfies the steely blue light that edges its existence.
And the way it bounces off of the crystal shards coated in crimson beneath my hands.
Alcohol has never truly worked for me as much as I wished it did.
What do I do when there is nothing I can do?
How will I cope when I can no longer keep from being violent?
yes i've had a bad day
And what will happen when you leave me too?
Do I keep going or do I follow you?
Until I cant anymore.
As our bond always pulls me closer and closer to you.
Your gaze becomes inseparable with your warm and loving words.
It is torture to think that I could lose you too.
And when you walk away from my waking life I will stride every night in the ethereal plane.
Going to a place that we've always known and that only we will ever know.
Always to a home where things are better.
its your birthday soon ^^ ayy
Towards every sound, I can only move.
My eyes tied back masked in the fog.
No light shining through
No one to guide me.
Like a glacier in the vast abyss floating towards nothing.
Only accompanied by the echoes of yesterday.
When will you realize that I am no longer who I used to be.
You rid me of the hope I had and the beauty I used to see in this cutthroat world.
Every word and hit you landed on me made sure of that.
You did not let me grow up and instead pushed me into the shallow looking waters thinking I would survive.
And you're right I did.
But at what cost?
Only my humanity of course.
How ironic it is that you wanted me to thrive and pour gold out of my waking life.
When I came out burning from sulfur and ashes.
No warning and no mercy, no.
You never taught me what that was.
All the expectations and dreams set into my very being with no thought of what it would take.
I am not your saving grace nor your chance for another life.
I am not made for your salvation, to make up for what you could not have.
I have always been so much more than that.
You birthed me from fuel and soot.
I was never meant to be what you predicted.
So do not come to me with your expectations of obedience I will never yield to your maltreatment.
I will never be molded into what you want of me.
thanks mom and dad :)))