It's not even a matter of 'if' anymore, it's a matter of 'when'
You called me sin. A natural-born sin, you say. Something unchangeable, indomitable evil.
But its okay, you say, we are all born sinners. That, your lying tongue and your shaky hands wandering through the things that arent yours as well as your lustful eyes, and those guns you carry around that screams the bullets through the heads of the innocent, these things you made balance on one side of the weighing scale with the sin of loving the same.
You say things about nurture and nature. Its nature, you say, and never nurture, therefore you are born w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶ no born as it. Im not the sinner, i am the sin.
Walang umagang gumising nang may bulaklak sa dibdib, tipong makulay at umaalingasaw ang bango. Ibang bulaklak ang nais, tipong puti at binulungan na ng mga panalangin na para sa akin at sa akin lang.
kinalimutan mo na kaya ako?
sa mga oras na nasa presensya ng bawat isa
naaalala mo rin kaya ang mga hangal na desisyong nagbuklod sating dalawa?
dahil ako, palagi.
sa tuwing nandiyan ay pinapauli-ulit
ang transisyon ng pagkawalay ng dalawang pinaglapit
sa pagkalimot ng isa
paulit-ulit nagsisimula sa umpisa
ani mo'y palabas sa sariling haraya
iniipit ako ngayon ng tahimik
ni walang imik sa pagitan nating dalawa
napagod na ang mga paang umakyat para lang matanaw
o magbigay ng senyas, nagdadasal na bigyang habag
napapangiti na lang sa mga gunita
dahil naaalala ang ilang beses na pagsuko at pagtayo namang muli
tulad ng paulit-ulit na pagtugtog
ng musikang nagpapaalala sayo
idk *** 2/4/19
pakinggan mo ang ugong ng hangin
ni 'di mo alam kung tanging ikaw lang ang nakakarinig
mas maingay pa sa mga sigaw mo,
mas maingay pa sa mga dasal sa sansinukob
ngunit hindi ba iyon ang dahilan ng iyong pagbagsak
ang walang habas na pakikinig
sa mga boses na kayang tumagos dahil sa talim
bisa ng maiging paghasa ng iyong patalim
Can i say—
your absence is a relief. Your lack of response gives me nothing but comfort and i know, i will not see your name pop up just yet 'cause how can you reply to "im sorry i can't take the risk to jump so i vanished" and to "i'm sorry i opened the door but no, i'm not inviting you in" or to "i'm sorry but i'm just here to say sorry (and have no intention of 'fixing' you)" because i don't think my broken bones can lift the tools any longer.
I say yet because almost always you pop right back the last minute, trying. I hope this time would be the last.
I say i sorry in every sentence, you thought i was letting you in.
I didn't want to be like her. I don't want to. I dont want to lose control. I don't want it to consume the life out of me, if i still have one that's still decent enough to be ruined. And now that's all I'm thinking. But thinking further into it, i knew we werent the same. She was lost in the midst of a peace and empty ocean. She couldnt see any land. The kind of peace where silence was her loudest enemy and thats what drove her to the edge. Me, im in a river. Holding a row without a boat. I had the fine illusion that i could take control. And even when i knew, i went with the flow like a fool, trying, i wish i could say mindlessly, trying to get away from the water. There was a destination but it was not mine. It was a preset of how everything should be but its all a blur. It's assurance but a nightmare everytime i close my eyes. It never silenced my mind.