because life is just a serious pain in the ***.
i drink up sarcasm as if it were medicine
medicine for every pain that i have ever been caused
by every incoherent fraction of a human
a fractured mirror image of every broken promise
seriously kiss my ***

Do you mind if i hold your hand?
Do you mind if i hold you?
For a split second..
Do you mind if i just sit here and let everything else fade as i watch your lips?
Do you mind if i call you mine?
Do you mind if i just stare in anticipation, excitement and admiration of you.
The way your strong heart pulses and the way the your eyes sparkle.


YOU.
Yes, you.

Your words flow through me like the soothing of the sweetest honey.
Whether they be coarse and withered like hard working branches
Or like the raindrop during a sunny shower of rainfall
So thought provoking
Yet they choke me
and here i lay gasping for breath
waiting to intake your sent which is my only oxygen

heyyyy
won't u walk my wayyyy
babe lol
wazzzzup
Can i get your number?????????

I am leaving you.
There fore I will leave you with fractured images of me and who I once was.
Just so you can see the person that I used to be, before you ruined me.

do you know...
how hard it is to want some one u can't have
to want to spend eternity with them when u can't even get three seconds alone
to want so bad to look at them but every time u do u it takes everything inside of u not to burst into tears
All you wanted was a happy ending
but u get this sad excuse of an ending before it even began
thats the worst feeling to fall into this deep abyss of hell and pain  before u even got a chance to love her
to hold her in your arms

I once believed that everything was hope less
That nothing would ever work out for me... period
Things have changed now and i hope they stay that way.

The rolling thunder cracks and sizzles on the dry landing where i once thought i would die
My heart jumps with fear while my soul laughs hysterically in it's face
Pity all of the laughing souls and frightening hearts
the frightening souls and the laughing hysterically hearts
Neither of them knows the secrets that i aim to keep
Methodically not even mentioning such nonsense aloud for even my self to hear
No not even my mind under stands the full capacity it holds
I trick and play mockery with it
Isn't that a shame?
Well would you like to join?

it takes way more effort to love then to hate
but ever since u left all i can see to feel is bitter
bitter for so many reasons
that make no sense to anyone but my self
all i can seem is to write tragedy after tragedy
does it make me happy? no it makes me feel alive
kind of like a mere smile from those precious lips i once thought would never become a curse
your soft pale skin now reminds me of thorns instead of daffodils in the spring time
everything i meant u turned into nothing in the blink of an eye
tell me i am dreaming
i almost get a kick out of hating u
all u did was force me to spill out all these forbidden emotions
i swore i never would
but i did
worst mistake i got the raw end of every deal
***** it all
this was all i twisted dream i would love to wake up from this twisted nightmare called fate

Its nothing she says and she truly believes it.
All they are...
just bruises of different colors
If she was being honest she just felt numb
the first time...the second time? Sure.
But over the years she lost count and herself. She lost herself and sometimes she didn't care that much. Sometimes she did. When she did it came in waves and she would go searching only to find nothing.
Perhaps it was fate.
They would go on for a few minutes then days then hours then months and she grew drained.
So tired of searching. Only to find nothing.
She was tired of searching for something that she would never find.
It was a draining...oh so very draining search.
And then she was back to not caring. She almost always never cared.
Almost. No. Almost meant hope.
It was hard almost painful to realize when she was filled with hope.
A piece of hope fell away after every single man in her life left her chasing them with every promise.
From her father, her step father and countless of mom's boyfriends after that
only seeking one thing. Her.
Flesh. Not soul.
An when she wouldn't follow, it was stolen. Piece after piece of her. The pounding of pavement. The blood rushing from her nose, mouth, skin. Everywhere.
And the salty taste of her tears. That was the only way she knew this was real. Oh so real.

the heart wants what it wants
no statement could be more crucially true
i hate the statements because it gives my head 0 control
like i am ******* floating and i don't even get a freaking chance to look at the ground
how will i know if my feet touch
they won't
they never will
someone just tell me
please just tell me
i am trapped
why are the skies so sad and the seas in my soul so angry
what can i do to make my self smile again

Have u ever just watched the sparkle of curiosity in a childs eye?
Watched the impules inside of them jump with excitement.
Children are so innocent and pure.
If u ever think that the world is fine just the way it is ....
watch that innocent spark of fire turn into a barely breathing shell of a human.
The world that we thought could protect the children is destroying every single stread of humanity inside of them
It's ok to be unique but not too unique
It's ok to love anyone with the EXCEPTION of the same ***
Choose the white barbie doll not the black one (even though it is funny how they are the cheapest out of the two)
Its ok for you to bake but no playing outside in the dirt with the boys
You can tell me anything as long as it's not too serious.

You see?
We expect them to just be themselves but only with terms, conditons and rules
This is why we are scared to be ourselves with anyone
and anyone who sees our heart maybe just a little has already gotten too close
We throw fake smiles on like we have been doing this our whole lives.
BECAUSE WE HAVE! WHO COULD BLAME US!!!
As we grew up we learned that the mantra of being unique is a ginormaous lieeee.
The same world that told us to fly is burning and weighing down our wings.
KINDA FUNNY, RIGHT??!

The wind creates a swirling sound. Creates a secret whisper.
A chant builds among the skies, bidding me to change direction.  
But I keep running, running towards the symphonies.
Chasing the sweet forbidden sound down.
The winding path confuses me
Creates delusions to separate me from reality.
But as I run ,my breathing ragged and torn.
Just like the strings of my heart but I still continue.
To chase the earth shattering, heart achlingly beautiful symphonies

I have waited for
seconds...
   minutes...
        hours...
            days...
               months...
                    years...
                    
Just for you...

It didn't matter if the sun wasn't shining
  Or that i was dying daily
Just to wait
   Wait for you
           But then I found u
And then I realized why
why second turned into minutes ..
   why minutes turned into hours..
      why days turned into months..
          why months turned years



Because all of those time fragments were adding up to waiting to spend the rest of my life with u
God, it was worth the wait ..

And now..
I realize why they say "good things come to those who wait"
Because u are great, u are magnificent.
you are the matching set to me and my heartbeat
Everything that is YOU is marvelous
Babe, you fill me and spell me with your words flowing through your fingertips
Babe, you guide me with every word that drips like the sweetest honey from your lips

Leaving me to wait daily for more..

there are so many crazy people out there
Never makes any sense how some people meet or even fall in love
"It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down"
or to even lift it up
either way it can be changed in less than what i thought
If a small rock was in the middle of the ocean for example
I thought i was the ocean always moving around the small rock
but now i am the rock easily moved by the earth beneath my feet
crazzzyyy
but heyyyyy

She always used to tell me that i was self absorbed
That the tears drops that fell from my cheeks were only worth the idea of scorn.
That i couldn't love anything, not even myself right.
She made me lift her up on a pedestsal
I WAS THE PEDESTAL!
Not, once did she maim to frame my interest, loves or passions
She cared about HER.
Her..
The thing that drove me insane but spent the whole day swelling, running, jumping through my head
Making me happy and intrigued by the mystery.
Curiosity killed the cat?
Satisfaction brought it back to life...

Told you so...
Told YOU sooo...

U TEXTED ME : "Hey.."
out of all things to text me
What about a pathetic apology..
It wouldn't even have to be heartfelt
Just as long as i heard it
Just maybe i could've pretended to feel it..just like u did
I would've taken that over "Hey.."
But i didn't get a chance..
Again

She had her head in the clouds
I had my feet planted on the ground
Could there be a more perfect match??

You drown in my sea of thoughts
It's not fair....
All i wanted is to have a silly crush on you
Maybe
Instead i got was the falling feeling at the bottom of my stomach and headaches...
Your glistening cinammon skin and your smile.
Oh that smile that makes me want to drown for eternity.
The worst part is these feelings are unrequited
So there i will stay in the blank spot of pain
Where all of your thoughts go
As hard as i try i can't fight it...why??
Because it's you..

Being in the line of fire, all by yourself is not pleasant
It is not fun. Or liberating.
It is tragic.
You are the beginning, middle, and end to your own story.
There is no "pause" button friend
Just a flood of eternity where you go from heaven to hell in the matter of minutes and sometimes seconds
But no regrets...because you DID want to be alone ,right?
You did want be alone with yourself
Because everyone else was a resounding noise
Or maybe a crowded background of space
and ...
Everyone was completely and totally irrelevant.
Even the people who needed more help than you did
People that had actual life -threatening problems
When you grunted about having too -warm coffee
and about not having a phone charger

But it was great while it lasted.
THE SPOTLIGHT

Now the lights fade and you're the only one.

She was such a kind and gentle soul
Until lies got in the way and fakeness grew old
Now she sits and ponders a meaning for everything
Waiting for everyone's ill intent
Waiting for the sound of people coming in and walking out simultaneously
Oh, the joys of being kind

They used to sing my every word and dance my every rythm
They used to laugh and even cry with me in times of anguish
They used to lift me up and lighten my soul with the words that could put a pigeon-toed bird to flight so how?
How is it now that they betray with the venom that drips from there tounge.
With the smoothness of a defiled *****
but the clearness of the cleanest drinking water
Your tounge was one of the few that spoke a jaded fairytale of a lie
The eyes that used to hold me close in their gaze now
haunt me with a crooked coldness
the arms and embrace of warmth of all of you have turned into something
of a distant and taunting night mare
The truth has set you free. oh yes!
It has set you free to turn all my treasured moments into nothing but a clear and crumpled reflection of  hatred.

Before the cool runs out and time stands still
I still feel things
So many things
The roar of thunder vibrates my body
Rain still makes me happy for some strange reason
I feel it in my feet
And yes, I still have have bottomless anger
My thoughts will forever spew out randomly
Bending over backwards just so that my breath can just fog the glass
Aiming to cause some kind of hectic light heartedness
Never have i Ever..
Never have i ever tried to make it swell
Never have i ever tried to pull my self too far
But i drown anyways
Never have i ever cared
But you bet i felt every part of it

In my fathers hands he holds
my future, my past, my present
He holds my aspirations and my hope
He holds me, my world
On the burden of a thousand centuries
Our father, and our fathers father. Farther back
They all have a common thread
They did anything and everything for their children
Protected us faithfully yet showed us the world
He showed us that hard work gets you anywhere
Freely he shares words of wisdom
And seldom does he spare his love
Oh father, never turn your gentle cheek.
Oh and don't straw to far into the jawlines of despair.
For i am following behind you slowly , steady and quiet
Don't tread too disatrously into the frills in the drops of sweat that crease upon your brow after a hard day of work
Please don't forget that i am watching every step you take so that i can follow the same
My little feet and impressionable brain can only move so fast
Ad i mature and grow into a teen then adult i continue to follow and learn
to watch your scraped hands never leave
AND SO ODE To you on your own special day. For being there and everywhere else at the same time. My feet and hands are sure to do the same. Thanks dad.

I wish sometimes that it would all go as planned
That I'd never fall for you again
That i would be shown as much effort as i give

I wish that you would stop being so barren
I wish that u would tell me, when, where, how to fix it

Because this ..
Whatever this is  ..
Its driving me insane ..

To the point where worrying about u instead of me is normal
To the point where talking to u is like dragging a nail against a chalkboard

It becomes painful and obsolete
So ..
I'm ignoring u at the moment

Because even though i care..actually a hell of a lot more than you do..

I can't become obsolete too..

If loving  you was optional, I would've given it all up a long time ago.

I find myself repeating the same things ....
Over and over and over again
Whether they may be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy
I repeat
But we are all creature of habit
We dwell in familiarity

What happened to us?? We used to be creatures of invention and inspiration.
Couldn't sit still because of the billions of ideas that were floating around in our head..

But now we wait for someone else to drum up those ideas..
Instead of singing in harmonies to our own
We are now just full of ideas but no motivation to drive and part of a generation

I can't stand you.
I love you.
You don't know how much I love you.
I don't know how much I love you.
Even when I can't stand you and don't want to be a way from you.
The way that you say my name resounds inside of my deepest memories.
The gentle cold touch leaves a haunting dent on my skin.
But oh, the way you would drive me insane with the unbalanced emotions that you portrayed.
It made me feel desperate.
As though I could fix you. Drive you to change.
In all of our circumstances..
God, I thought that I might me enough for you to change.
Am I?

I've never been the type of person to be a first choice
I'd like to think of my self as a convenience.
Something handy that people only use when needed
I AM OPTIONAL.