please help..

mommy always told me that I was unique. im not normal, maybe that's the problem.
mommy always told me to love others more than yourself. I love everyone and hate my own guts.
mommy always told me its quality not quantity. yet quality isn't even valid in this world and quantity is no where to be found being someone like me.
mommy always told me to be careful of strangers, but mom strangers are the only ones who get me, the only ones who understand. I trust them more than I trust my own friends and family.
mommy always told me to believe in yourself, what does "believe" even mean??
mommy always told me that peoples weight doesn't define themselves, mom that's where your wrong. I get picked on for being too skinny, ugly. some people cant even enter a clothes store because they get called "fat"...what even is fat?
mommy always told me, never bite off more than you can chew. mom I don't even want to chew, it hurts my mouth.
mommy always told me to be thoughtful. my thoughts hurt people mom. why would you want me to hurt people? I can control my thoughts but I know if you could read them, you'd be in tears after the first few sentences. mom, why do you tell us things when you know we'll grow up learning differently...?

she's pretty, define pretty for me...
pretty is when you wake up in the morning and don't even need to brush your hair because it always sits perfectly.
she's loved, define love.
her parents love her, her school loves her, the boys drool over her.
im the one everyone throws spit ***** at, im the one who has endless fights with the hairbrush.
I try, but I will...never....be like her...never

it was sad because while she worried about her boyfriend not seeing her
I worried about my ex boyfriend putting me in hospital.
it was sad because while she worried about weather her skirt was fitting right, I worried about the clothes I had been wearing for months now.
it was sad because while she worried about the spider in the shower, I worried about even being able to take a shower.
it was sad because while she worried about the stretch marks on her hip, I worried about the scars and burns that surround my entire body.
your boyfriend's busy, just call him later. my ex wont come near me, hes in jail for 25 years. your skirt fits just above the knee, wear that pink sweater with it. my clothes will be washed soon, in the dam behind the bush I live in. just **** the spider. it wont do you harm. I can take a bath in the lake. get bio oil for your stretch marks, my scars wont fade. they cant go away.

in 5th grade we thought we were popular, cool, pretty.
we used to play those "games" where we'd clap eachothers hands and see who could do it faster, under 8's day was a big hit. we used to play around with the preppies and we'd be the favourites of the school.

the teachers never warned us that highschool would be a killer.
now in 10th grade, baby on the way, its name will be holly-J. the girls at school call out names, they're nasty. they don't realize that words can ****. be a silent killer, to be killed you have to put your self out there. im too scared. "what are you so afraid of"... im afraid of myself, what im capable of. what I can do to hurt people without even trying.