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Dec 2019 · 391
i hate myself
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
i hate myself
and so does everyone else
but it's understandable
when you consider what i've put myself through
you would hate me too
if i did this to you
Wouldn't you, Lu ?
Dec 2019 · 122
Suicide Days
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
I keep having these thoughts
It's been two years
I've been doing this so long
And it hurts so much
That'll I'll probably die from it
Before I can even commit suicide
Today was a suicide day
I was alone in the bathroom
Wishing I had a blade
Or those extra pills
So I could end it
The people I know didn't say hi
No one spoke to me
No one looked at me
There were tears in my eyes all day long
And no one even asked why
It's horrible to know no one cares
Tomorrow I'll try not to have a suicide day
But right now I'm still holding back those tears
I just want to sleep to escape for a while
Escape my mind
Your fault, Lu
Dec 2019 · 103
Lost And Stupid
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
You're back in my life now
I'm stupid, somehow
I thought we could be friends
I was dumb enough to forgive the end
Now you walk past me like you didn't do anything wrong
You ruined me
And it was two years ago but I'm still falling apart
Every remaining piece
Breaking when I see you
I feel so stupid and so ******* lost
I really need a hug right now
All my friends deserting me is too much
I can't take this anymore
I might do something drastic
Lu, how can you walk by like that, as if you never did what you did ? You might have moved on, and found someone else, but I haven't. I'm still hurting over you. You're the reason I'm the way I am.
Dec 2019 · 96
Aftermath
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
What's left after suicide?
Physically, just a boring stain
And ugly mark, the only thing left
To remind us of the pain
The blue stain on the kitchen table
The brown splatter on the wall
The missing rail
On the stairs from the fall
The hole in the roof
Where the fan used to be
It ripped out the ceiling
Guess those forty anorexic kilos where too much
The made up bed that hasn't been slept on for months
The soulless body in the hospital bed
With a plaque that read
John Doe found by the river
A few miles from the bridge
Had a pulse in his wrist
Some big red cuts too
He wasn't dead but he might as well have been
He stopped being alive when she left him for heroine
So he walked to the bridge they used to run over when they were kids
He looked into the muddy water
And wished he'd given her one last kiss
He thinks he could have saved her
It's too late now anyway
He climbs onto the railing
And pictures flying away
A hundred miles away
On a dust filled mattress
Sits a young girl pretty enough to be an actress
Her hair is greasy and mattered
Her skin is pale and dry
She takes a deep breath and puts down the needle
She picks up her phone to call her guy
She doesn't know she's too late
The last priceless seconds have passed
He's falling through the air, he's going pretty fast
It's too late
It's over
The story just ended
He didn't pick up the phone
So she picked up the needle.
You would understand, Lu
Dec 2019 · 108
Reflections
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
Sitting alone at the top of these stairs
I ponder the reason for my existence
In a world where lies are truth and truth is rare
I'm searching for motivation to stay persistent
My thoughts drop bomb shells through my mind
I hide in trenches of sleep to undermine
The endless mine field that is my time
here
Thinking I should do something of my youth
While waiting for my time to tick by
My hours are spent in a fruitless search for truth
What will I do when I find it will I start being alive
Or on the contrary will I see it's time for me to die
If there's no one there to do it will I decide to suicide
What would I try there are so many different ways to die
Will I drink cyanide
Or simply close my eyes
See what happens
When I ponder my existence
I fall into a spiral of thoughts much too intense
For a young fresh brain like the one inside my head
I'm messing myself up is it too late to step away
I know right on the surface
It is too late
My body's at the top of these stairs
Fourth story
And my mind is some place else
I can't fix the lens I see the world through
Is it broken is it warped or is it perfectly true
Do I see the world as it really is
Is everyone else blind
Are you the one who's crazy
Are you leaving me behind
I twist in my seat
And tap my restless feat
I need to get up and run
Jump into the sun
Leave this room with these putrid aliens
Why will try to control and contain
me
Why are you forcing me into this box
I won't fit too many loose ends STOP

Just let me spill onto the carpet
And when the sun comes out I'll evaporate
That sounds like a horrible way to go
It would be so painful
I'm sorry for the puddles
That turn into clouds
Then when they're too much of that
They drip back onto the ground
It's an endless cycle of agony
That goes round and round
I feel like a puddle
Turning into a cloud
The best of me floating away
Leaving a boring stain
And ugly mark the only thing left
To remind us of the pain
Wish I could share this with you, Lu
Dec 2019 · 80
Those Perfect Nights
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
I don't really know what to say
It seems I've run out of words
But everyday I miss you and it's just getting worse
Since you left I feel lost and everything hurts
I cried myself to sleep last night
And stained my pillow with tears
I woke up at 2 a.m.
Cause you're not here
To turn out the light
I wish you were here
So you could teach me to skate
We'd get pizza again on Fridays
Then get in bed at eight
And go to the cinema on Sundays
You'd still defend me
When I get cat called in the streets
You'd kiss and hug me
When I'm crying and weak
I would bake us cookies
And we'd dunk them in black coffee
We'd give each other hickies
And laugh when people ask why
We'd move our bed to the window
So we can look at the city lights
Both our heads on the same pillow
And pass the most perfect nights.
I found my words again
I miss you Lu
Dec 2019 · 70
Sleep
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
I know you don't feel the way I do
So why do you keep stringing me along?
Why do you keep giving me hope?
I can't remember who I used to be
I don't sleep anymore
I'm too busy thinking about you...
Who was I before I met you, Lu?
Sep 2019 · 645
I've got a crush on you
Charlie McMahon Sep 2019
Hey
I don't now your name
But let's pretend that that's okay
Hey
Your'e the only thought in my brain
Every minute of every day

You an you and you again
I keep seeing you everywhere
Look my way now and then ?
I see you even when you're not there

I don't know if I'm glorifying you
And I honestly don't care
All I wanna do is be alone with you
Touch that pixie cut hair

Sorry but I've got one hell of a
Crush on you
Never felt this kinda
Way oh you

You're making me feel ways
I've never felt before
I'm a little obsessed now days
My grades are flat on the floor

Can't concentrate in class
Can't answer a question
Or respond if someone asks
For a suggestion

I'm way to distracted
Looking for you out the window
Thoughts of you come back
Every second or so

I think I'm in love with you
Don't even know your name
I wanna be beside you
And kiss under the rain

My knees get weak
Whenever you go bye
My heart gets bleak
'Cause you'll never be mine

I'm so dangerously obsessed
With you
Girl you make me so depressed
Yet you
Are the reason I get up every ******* morning
I love you wanna be with you i want you to break up with your girlfriend youyoyuyouyyouyouyoyuyouyoyuyoyuyuyouyouyouyouyou

Sorry Lu I saw someone else
Sep 2019 · 140
doesn't have a name
Charlie McMahon Sep 2019
Some days all meaning disappears
I sit quiet in my wooden chair
Wallowing in existential fear
And wondering why I even care

Drive my mechanical pencil lead
Into the soft tip of my *******
Laughing at how I used to think ahead
How I still dream of being a singer

That little ***** of pain
Kind of brings me back to life
It leaves a blood spot stain
On the blade of my kitchen knife

When you sew my eyes and my mouth shut
And tie both my hands behind my back
Then I can't move but I can't cut
And you wonder why I resort to crack

Keep wasting all my time
Doing things I don't like
'Cause later you'll find
You need it for your life

Never mind, never mind
I'll just wait here and die
I know you're kind, so kind
And would never ever lie

Things get pretty dark for me
But I always seem to make it out
Just take my time don't hurry
Remember it's so normal to worry

But do I really wanna be like
All the other popular kids
I don't care if they call me a ****
It's girls I really wanna kiss

So when I'm down
And really just wanna die
Won't let myself drown
I will force myself to try
And be alright
I'll be alright
Make me alright
I wanna be alright

I'll just keep stabbing my finger
With the end of my precious pencil
I'll forget being a singer
And study ******* credentials
And be alright
I'll be alright
Make me alright
I wanna be alright
lyrics to a song i'm writing tell me what you think and give suggestions if you have any please
Charlie McMahon Aug 2019
My generation
Is completely ******
Poisoned by radiation ?
Or squashed be terrorist trucks ?

We have mass shootings
At least once a week
We've got global warming
Over which we "debate" via tweets

Some ***** say
Lets fix Mars and go live there
Open your ******* eyes
The big problem is here

Some of us preach acceptance
Saying to love no matter what
I tell you it's deception
Now he's going to hell because he loves a man

Someone kills them-self
Every 40 seconds
Wake up for gods sake
It's the second leading cause of death
We're destroying ourselves

Twelve year old kids
With anorexia
A few thousand wrists were slit
This past November

A step out of the norm
And you'll be excluded
Everything screams CONFORM CONFORM
IF YOU FAIL TO DO SO YOU WILL BE EXECUTED

I could go on forever
But I've made my point

Deep down we all hurt
But we're all in **** up to our necks
The society is rotten and perverse
The world is wrecked

There's nothing for us here
We get a dried up earth
Unbreathable air
We're ******* cursed
It's really not surprising
We all want to die
That we're the most depressed generation
(also the gayest tho lol)

You high ups had better ******* do something
Or we're all gonna die
No more future generation
The human race is falling to it's doom
Get your act together ***** **** mother *******.
Seriously not sure I wanna put any kids into this world
Aug 2019 · 608
Only You
Charlie McMahon Aug 2019
Love do you know
You're the only one
I want to hold
The only one

I don't wanna stare
Into an others eyes
Don't wanna touch their hair
Don't wanna burn in a colder fire

I only want you
You and only you
Your eyes in perfect hues
You're my highs and my blues
You and only you

I don't wanna hold another girls hand
I don't wanna sit up the back in the cinema
With someone who can't understand

Because you make me feel like I'm flying
You wash away all my sorrow
When you turn to me smiling
In a moment you wash it all to tomorrow

So far away
That it doesn't matter
When I'm with you
Nothing else matters

It's just us two
It's all that matters
Just us
Far away
From the madness and the pain
In our own place
Where no one else can find us

Just us
love you so much
I can't have you can I
Jul 2019 · 648
Hold My Hand
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
Please just
Don't walk away                                                              
Please just
Don't say goodbye
Just walk by my side
And smile
Let me see the stars in your
Beautiful eyes
Just kiss my cheek
And walk with me
Your hand in mine
And my hand in yours
For as long as we like
We don't have to care
What anyone thinks
Run your hands through my hair
Kiss my lips
Try not to put our lipstick everywhere
Hold my hand
We're happy together
Even if it ends today
Or goes on forever
...
Jul 2019 · 752
Lights Out
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
What can I say
I'm trying to send a message
A few words to portray
Exactly what's going on in my head
Things really aren't clear
I feel a bit dead
I don't know why I'm here
I need to get up, and get ahead
Outpace them all
Like I know I can
Scale the "impossible" wall
An became a woman
I know I'm strong
I know I'm intelligent
I admit when I'm wrong
(can't find a rhyme but you get the hint)
I'm a critical thinker
I see through the lines
But my mind's beginning to splinter
I'm not actually fine
The world's driving me mad
And I'm feeling homicidal
Then  stop feeling bad
For being suicidal
I don't like it here enough
To put up with ****
Lights out like *****
Don't think I tried well I did
Four times in one year
Guess I really wanna get out of here
I spilled one last tear
And knew death was near
First time I cut a tad too deep
Second time I took a little too much Paracetamol
Next I tried to hang myself, failed and felt like a creep
Then I thought a lot about jumping off of walls
Finally I overdosed
I was home alone
No one knows
It hurt a lot
My life flashed before my eyes
I knew I was going to die
Somehow I woke up alive
And now I'm here writing dumb ****...
And thinking about number five
this is silly
Jul 2019 · 749
Letter to Me (and you)
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
When you see a boy
You feel fear
Nothing you enjoy
Right here
When you see a girl
You smile
You would give anything in the world
To be with her
Been that way for a while
When he touches you
You flinch away
When she touches you
You want to stay
When he holds your hand
The  air tingles tension and discomfort
When she holds your hand
It's like nothing before it
Listen girl
You don't like those guys
It doesn't feel the same
No matter how much you hide
The way your heart goes won't change
You like those girls
Well that girl
Listen girl, you're gay
Getting more comfortable about it and very proud of being gay lol
Jul 2019 · 189
Your Name
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
It's a summer night
The start of July
There is no light
Apart the sky

Those brilliant stars
The only equal to your eyes
You're the reason for my scars
And why I'm alive

I'm scared of the men
Who try to slip in my bed
But I'm terrified of the monsters
Inside of my head

They whisper words
From the back of my mind
Memories that hurt
From times I can't find

I'm so close to my demons
I could give them all names
Try to justify my wrongs
By playing this game

No number of millions
Could fix my heart new
You're lost among the billions
I hope one day I'll find you

I think I hear your steps
But It's only my dysfunctional heart
That beats itself apart
Just at the thought of seeing you

No one else
Ever made me feel the same
As you left somewhere else
I whispered your name

Again my heart breaks
For the love that I lost
No gods or golden lakes
Could pay back the cost

I can't remember your name
You who I loved most
A soul one can't tame
A beautiful ghost
Jul 2019 · 497
Glass Jar
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
You gave me a glass jar
I gave you my heart
It's so unfair
Why do you get to hurt me
So ******* bad
It's not fair
I hate you
And you
*******
I don't want to see you
Around here ever again
I could **** you all
Slowly
Painfully
You can hurt as much as I do
Shall I **** your family too
Maybe then you might feel my
Anger
Maybe then you might feel my
Fear
*******
You messed me up Lu
Jul 2019 · 92
Hurts too bad
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
My heart is aching
It has been for a while
Now
I try to keep on a smile
How
Can I keep doing this
Everyday
It doesn't feel fair
That some of us are so sad
When others are happy without trying
That some people hurt so bad
And others are just fine
And how come it's me
Why do I get this everyday
When the boy next to me in maths
Never thinks bout depression anyway
I never asked for this
Or did I ?
Mum tells me to internalise
And that's probably wise
I want to be happy
And I do try
But when I'm so tired
There's comfort in the dark
In the gloom
The heavy heart
The pain
Then the numbness
Grandma tells me not to give up hope
I say yeah but deep down I'm not sure I can cope
I tell me to be strong
That I'm not the worst off
And I usually try to keep my hurt on the inside
But now and again it hurts too bad to hide
Sometimes it hurts
Jul 2019 · 112
I gave you my everything
Charlie McMahon Jul 2019
I gave you my heart
So you could keep it safe for me
I gave you my heart
And I thought I was setting myself free
I gave you my heart
As a hopeful and desperate plea
I gave you my heart
And you smashed it into a billion agonised parts
I gave you my soul
And you locked it in a golden cage
With a heart shaped lock
I gave you my soul
And you twisted it slowly
Into this putrid thing as cold as rock
I gave you my soul
You are an evil fire
And I was your coal
I gave you my everything
And you treated it all
Like it was never anything
When you love someone so much you give them every part of you and then they leave you and you look a bit stupid
Jun 2019 · 138
Again
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
I woke up this morning
With a lump in my throat
And a knot in my stomach
I'm feeling scared
I'm seeing shadows
Again
I'm wanting to let go and drown  
Life's going grey  
Looks like it's going to rain
Again
I'm letting myself down
Getting addicted to the pain
Again
I'm creeping back into the safe dark
Again
Burying myself in my own ashes
Again
Someone hurt me
Again
I hurt myself today
Again
What do you want me to say
In the end

- Charlie McMahon
Depression is something I've known for so long now, it has become almost comforting, the pain, darkness, numbness...
Jun 2019 · 265
Airplane Mode
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
Some time in may
Last year, 2018
It was a warm day
I was thirteen

You said you didn't want me
Anymore
You broke my heart and changed me
But that's not the end

I thought I'd never finish
Being thirteen
To die was my dearest wish
But I turned fourteen

You may have broke my heart
But it fixed on its own
You messed me up real smart
Now my hearts on airplane mode

Won't let anything in
That includes memories of you
I'm going to win
I will forget how I loved you

You you you you you
On my mind
Me me me me me
Please be kind

To yourself
You're still alive
Look at you
Heart still going

My heart's on airplane mode
At least it's still beating
Living on my own
No more feeling
Thought I'd be dead by now really I did pretty proud I'm still here hehe
Jun 2019 · 129
To the fullest
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
If I'm going to die someday anyway
I guess I might as well stay
So I guess I'll stay
Ready to live another day
Start to dance and play
Live life to the fullest
Even though it hurts
So when I finally lay down to rest
I'll be proud of the life I lead
We're all going to die
Someday
Please don't rush it
Stay
Use what little time you have
To the fullest
Jun 2019 · 285
Come back
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
How could you leave me
When you knew how much I needed you
How could you leave me
When you knew how much I was hurting

You need to come back
Or I'm going to die
You have to save me
Or I will die

I need you
Please come back
I'm sorry if I scared you
Did I scare you away ?

I'm sorry
So sorry
Everything I touch
Seems to die

Come back
Only you can stop this blood running
Take away my razor blade
Replace my drug

Make me feel okay
Make all the pain
Go away

Not the way you did though
When you left
I missed you
And I hurt
And I wanted it all to end

Please come back
I need you
More than you'll ever know
I love you
How could you leave
Jun 2019 · 149
Can't you hear me
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
Don't you realize
How much you're hurting me
Every word you don't hear
Is destructively burning me

You're supposed to make me feel safe
Yet you're breaking my heart
You're supposed to make me feel like I have a place
Yet you're tearing me apart

Stop locking me out
Of everything I need
Stop shutting me out
Of the life I want to lead

You're hurting me more than anyone else
When you should be my shoulder to cry on
You can't expect me to trust you
If you don't trust me

I won't respect you
If you don't respect me
I can't love you
If you won't love me

Because you should be here
Yet you're slamming this barred door in my face
I can see everything I want through those bares
Right in front of me, things I can't even taste

Because you're keeping them from me
You're killing me
And I told you so many times
It looks like you'll never listen to me

Why are we this way
Why all the doors
Why all the locks
Where are the keys ?

Why are you locking me out ?
Why are you locking me away

I stand here in front of you
Every cell in my body
Is screaming in agony
Yet my smile holds strong

Why can't we talk
Why don't you trust me
Why do you hurt me
Why don't you listen
Why do you always think you're right
Why can't you consider my opinion

You make me feel like I don't count
Why ?
Why mum ?
You won't ever read this will you
And if you do you still won't listen
Jun 2019 · 196
You
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
You
I need you so much that it hurts
Like you'll never know, when you're not here
Odd isn't it that something so perfect can be pervert
Very much so as you whisper in my ear
Every second of your absence tears me apart
Yet when you're here you break my heart
Over my head or between my legs
Untimely demise you cause me

I love you so hard it kills me a little more everyday
I love you
Jun 2019 · 234
Who am I ?
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
Who am I ?
In a world full of people
Who am I ?
I'm running round in circles
I
Don't understand
Why
I still can't stand
Up by myself
I'm trying
To find who I am
I'm crying
I don't know who I am
I won't ask for help
Because if you knew how I felt
You'd always run away
I won't ask for help
Because I don't know what I would say
But I swear I'm trying
Though every night I go to sleep crying
I feel like my heart is slowly dying
But I swear
I'm trying
I really hope one day
It will all be okay
But I'm not really sure about much
I know I've said it before
I can't do this anymore
When everything dies at my touch
And everyday I wake up
I layer on the make-up
I'll brush my hair
And say I don't care
When deep inside it's killing me
So hard when my mind is willing me
To give up and let go
You'll never go with the flow
Just give up and write that letter
You'll feel so much better
So I'm writing that letter
I still don't feel much better
I still don't know
Who am I ?
In a world full of people
Who am I ?
I'm running round in circles
My cuts are getting deeper
And I think I'm seeing flickers
I would really just like to know who I am
Who am I ? I'm not really sure what this is but here you go.
Jun 2019 · 270
What happened ?
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
What happened ?
To that little girl
Where did she go ?
It all happened to fast

Something went horribly wrong
After four years I still don't know what
That little girl is dead and gone
Her innocence left to rot

I looked in the mirror this morning
Like every other day
And what I saw was torturing
Like every other day

Who is the stranger in the mirror ?
Whose are those empty eyes staring back at me ?
Why are the eyes so empty ?
What happened to you ?
What happened ?

I feel so very detached
My memories don't feel like mine
A ******* chain is attached
To my ever dying mind

Voices are getting louder
Asking silly questions
Why don't I know the answer ?
Why are they screaming depression ?

What ever happened ?
To the happy little girl ?
Was she stolen away in the night ?
Passed on to another world ?

I don't know
I don't know anything
Anymore

Why are there scars
On my arms ?
My arms aren't as scarred as my heart
What's with all the scars ?
I don't remember falling

I remember the blades
Slipping through my skin
I remember the tang of my dark red blood
As my life line wore so thin
I remember the pills in my hand
I remember the feeling of them scrambling to get down my throat
I remember the soft feeling
Of the cigarette between my cracked lips
I remember the smooth cool of the beer flowing across my tongue

I remember all those things I shouldn't  
I don't remember the things I should
A little grave yard in my heart
For everything I've lost
Remembering
Jun 2019 · 226
100 Miles
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
100 miles
Down this road
Ignore the fuel dial
I have thousands more to go

A rainy night
With a lo-fi playlist
A day devoid of light
The sun clouded by mist

Some time late at night
Or in the early hours of the morning
Trying to outrun the day
So I'll keep driving
Down this deserted highway

Lonely traveller
Long way from home
Where is home ?
I trip and fall a lot
I guess I'll wander and roam
'Till I find somewhere
Until I meet someone special
Someone I won't scare
Away

Away from my heart
How can you love the dark ?
How can you be dreaming
Of these inner demons

I'm gonna feel sorry for myself
Because I don't want someone else to
I'll try to look after my degrading mental health
And I'll try to make that lie come true

Somewhere in the night
Or in the dark part of the day
Dreaming devoid of light
On a deserted highway

About to crash
Into a concrete wall
End my life
And lose it all
Was feeling pretty down last night. Wrote this.
Jun 2019 · 231
Hurts the most
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
Knowing people talked
Behind my back
I can live with that
Knowing  you lied to me
I'll survive
Knowing you betrayed me
Hurts but it's okay now
Knowing I was mistaken about you
Almost killed me but I'm still here
It's knowing you could let me go so easily
That still hurts the most
Some one I loved who walked away
Jun 2019 · 148
Four A.M.
Charlie McMahon Jun 2019
I can't do this anymore
Try spending Saturday
Lying drunk on the floor
I'm telling you
I can't do this anymore

Countless times I told you
How many times did you listen ?
What do I have to say to get through
To that loving person, seems missing

I can't do this anymore
In the morning half past four
Spent the last week sleeping on the floor
I'm telling you
I can't do this anymore

How long not long
Can I last
How long not long
I'm falling so fast

Heart breaks a little more everyday
Yet I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm okay
No idea who I am my mind's gone astray
Can I even ask you to save me today ?

Don't know how this went to wrong
Innocent child long gone
I am nothing but another sad song
Forever wandering and lost in the throng

Is it too much to ask
To be just a little happy
Life's my Hercules task
I can see myself die trying

I can't do this anymore
Keep stacking on that one more
How can you fall through the floor ?
Still awake at half past four

Still awake at half past four
Don't want to sleep because
I'm afraid I won't wake up
That last overdose may have spilled the cup
But I kind of want to close my eyes
And rest my weary soul
Sorry for all those times I lied
I'm closing my eyes
To see what's on
The other side
This is a poem about depression and suicide, overdosing and a lot of other sad stuff sorry about that

— The End —