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Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
i hate myself
and so does everyone else
but it's understandable
when you consider what i've put myself through
you would hate me too
if i did this to you
Wouldn't you, Lu ?
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
I keep having these thoughts
It's been two years
I've been doing this so long
And it hurts so much
That'll I'll probably die from it
Before I can even commit suicide
Today was a suicide day
I was alone in the bathroom
Wishing I had a blade
Or those extra pills
So I could end it
The people I know didn't say hi
No one spoke to me
No one looked at me
There were tears in my eyes all day long
And no one even asked why
It's horrible to know no one cares
Tomorrow I'll try not to have a suicide day
But right now I'm still holding back those tears
I just want to sleep to escape for a while
Escape my mind
Your fault, Lu
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
You're back in my life now
I'm stupid, somehow
I thought we could be friends
I was dumb enough to forgive the end
Now you walk past me like you didn't do anything wrong
You ruined me
And it was two years ago but I'm still falling apart
Every remaining piece
Breaking when I see you
I feel so stupid and so ******* lost
I really need a hug right now
All my friends deserting me is too much
I can't take this anymore
I might do something drastic
Lu, how can you walk by like that, as if you never did what you did ? You might have moved on, and found someone else, but I haven't. I'm still hurting over you. You're the reason I'm the way I am.
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
What's left after suicide?
Physically, just a boring stain
And ugly mark, the only thing left
To remind us of the pain
The blue stain on the kitchen table
The brown splatter on the wall
The missing rail
On the stairs from the fall
The hole in the roof
Where the fan used to be
It ripped out the ceiling
Guess those forty anorexic kilos where too much
The made up bed that hasn't been slept on for months
The soulless body in the hospital bed
With a plaque that read
John Doe found by the river
A few miles from the bridge
Had a pulse in his wrist
Some big red cuts too
He wasn't dead but he might as well have been
He stopped being alive when she left him for heroine
So he walked to the bridge they used to run over when they were kids
He looked into the muddy water
And wished he'd given her one last kiss
He thinks he could have saved her
It's too late now anyway
He climbs onto the railing
And pictures flying away
A hundred miles away
On a dust filled mattress
Sits a young girl pretty enough to be an actress
Her hair is greasy and mattered
Her skin is pale and dry
She takes a deep breath and puts down the needle
She picks up her phone to call her guy
She doesn't know she's too late
The last priceless seconds have passed
He's falling through the air, he's going pretty fast
It's too late
It's over
The story just ended
He didn't pick up the phone
So she picked up the needle.
You would understand, Lu
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
Sitting alone at the top of these stairs
I ponder the reason for my existence
In a world where lies are truth and truth is rare
I'm searching for motivation to stay persistent
My thoughts drop bomb shells through my mind
I hide in trenches of sleep to undermine
The endless mine field that is my time
here
Thinking I should do something of my youth
While waiting for my time to tick by
My hours are spent in a fruitless search for truth
What will I do when I find it will I start being alive
Or on the contrary will I see it's time for me to die
If there's no one there to do it will I decide to suicide
What would I try there are so many different ways to die
Will I drink cyanide
Or simply close my eyes
See what happens
When I ponder my existence
I fall into a spiral of thoughts much too intense
For a young fresh brain like the one inside my head
I'm messing myself up is it too late to step away
I know right on the surface
It is too late
My body's at the top of these stairs
Fourth story
And my mind is some place else
I can't fix the lens I see the world through
Is it broken is it warped or is it perfectly true
Do I see the world as it really is
Is everyone else blind
Are you the one who's crazy
Are you leaving me behind
I twist in my seat
And tap my restless feat
I need to get up and run
Jump into the sun
Leave this room with these putrid aliens
Why will try to control and contain
me
Why are you forcing me into this box
I won't fit too many loose ends STOP

Just let me spill onto the carpet
And when the sun comes out I'll evaporate
That sounds like a horrible way to go
It would be so painful
I'm sorry for the puddles
That turn into clouds
Then when they're too much of that
They drip back onto the ground
It's an endless cycle of agony
That goes round and round
I feel like a puddle
Turning into a cloud
The best of me floating away
Leaving a boring stain
And ugly mark the only thing left
To remind us of the pain
Wish I could share this with you, Lu
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
I don't really know what to say
It seems I've run out of words
But everyday I miss you and it's just getting worse
Since you left I feel lost and everything hurts
I cried myself to sleep last night
And stained my pillow with tears
I woke up at 2 a.m.
Cause you're not here
To turn out the light
I wish you were here
So you could teach me to skate
We'd get pizza again on Fridays
Then get in bed at eight
And go to the cinema on Sundays
You'd still defend me
When I get cat called in the streets
You'd kiss and hug me
When I'm crying and weak
I would bake us cookies
And we'd dunk them in black coffee
We'd give each other hickies
And laugh when people ask why
We'd move our bed to the window
So we can look at the city lights
Both our heads on the same pillow
And pass the most perfect nights.
I found my words again
I miss you Lu
Charlie McMahon Dec 2019
I know you don't feel the way I do
So why do you keep stringing me along?
Why do you keep giving me hope?
I can't remember who I used to be
I don't sleep anymore
I'm too busy thinking about you...
Who was I before I met you, Lu?
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