Barbed conflict in my heart, you or me or us?

I spent 13 years building a brick wall around myself
3 years building a bombproof shelter
I even added windows
To see the outside world.

But I forgot the fire exit
And now the fire's lit
The smoke is filling up my mind
Burning all of me.

Gone is the (com)passion
Gone the creativity
Gone the personality
Just bitter memories in their fireproof box.

Even as I build the bomb shelter
I scream for a way out
Searching for a weakness in the wall
That isn't there.

At least I painted the outside
Simple, bland, attractive
In universal white
So good, nice, boring.

Oh look, I'm stuck in the only corner left
Holding tattered fragments of burnt personality
Waiting for the fire to burn
Me up.

1)
She said happy and I burst into tears
They ran like they carried the worries I held
Wearing away the mortar of my wall

The bricks are still there but
You can remove with ease
Bombproof shelter  has breathing hole

2)
Entire section of wall removed
Door put in place for optional use
Copies of data discovered on a USB stick

I gazed into your eyes and my troubles melted away
I didn't even notice you take down the bombproof roof
Now I can see the stars

3)
Kind honesty heals me
Carefully the bricks are put into neat piles, sorted
For use as a garden feature

Sledghammer handed over
The dynamite put in place
The bombproof shelter is no more

Post filled with
3 part time jobs
All needed
And don't have to work in unity

Which is good because
1) is disapproving of
3) is jealous of
2) is wary of
1) is rude to
2)  thinks me foolish because I fell for
3) who fell for me

1) loves me unconditionally
2) and I are like sisters
3) and I love each other

Problem solved- demolishers found.

You keep sending me up and down like a yoyo-
But I'm the cheeriest, sunniest yoyo around.
Going down is the best bit by now
Because I know I get to spring back up.
You might find another yoyo eventually,
But none so bright, hardwearing, or smooth running as me!

I promised myself when I fell for you
That we could be friends if you didn't love me too.
Now I'm learning that's gonna be hard-
Harder than the diamond I want to give you.
But can't.

Before your first love you can't understand it,
I compared to my family but the shape doesn't fit.
They are triangles m'dear.
But my love for you is a circle, trying to fit in the square bit.
Oops.

When romance novels described bursting hearts
I know they felt life, about to restart.
But I also feel the oh so sharp pain,
Like being trampled by elephants pulling a cart.
Full of stones.

He thought that I was blind to it all,
That I thought he could not fall.
He never thought to stop and think,
To see that I could make the link.
So he never thought i knew
That he had a mental blue,
But he denied it for so long,
I knew it all and he was wrong.
He hurt me in a life-long way,
A mental scar that will always stay.
Denied his strange mentality,
Which gave him his verbal brutality
If you read this, and you are he,
Then give me time to just be me,
And adjust to a stress-free life
Without your harm and without the strife.
You're always there, on my case,
If you weren't then seeing you I would embrace,
I'm still too angry, it's still fresh in my mind,
I can't yet leave the past behind.
He thought that I was blind to it all,
That I thought he could not fall.

When I was young I knew no bad,
Mostly happy, rarely sad.
The world was only a happy place,
Always a smile on my face.
I grew a little older, a little more wise,
I knew that my happiness was built on lies.
So I grew up, an adult by ten,
I learn't to avoid the dragons den.
I thought that I made a grave error,
When I dared to challenge the terror.
But then I realized something key,
the terror could only shout at me,
This terrified me as a child,
but now it did not seem so wild.
I was deadlier than he,
who had long ago been a threat to me.
The shouting covered up a madness,
So when it went I felt no sadness.

Never felt like a bigger fraud than I have right now
Fake it till you make it
Except it feels like cheating
To pretend I know so much
When I'm just really good at paraphrasing
If only I could memorise
Word for word to hide these lies
Quotes, formulas, preprepared answers
The skill they want is they skill they lack
But so do I and that's the issue
I understand it all I just couldn't tell you
What was said when, by whom.

You said I was Alaska- its true
But I'm not gonna crash that car.
I replied 'then you're the Colonel'
And you're much better- by far.

You always said you were Lennie
And this I was George- the clever one.
But I am the fool and you are the brighter,
You'll be around when I'm gone.

You always thought you were Ron
And me Hermione- I guess so.
But then who's Harry- *** we're not gonna marry
It's you- you are the hero.

I reckon I'm Eragon- the wanna be warrior
With a lot to learn.
But I've Saphira by my side
Level-headed fun and stern.

I'm Frodo- I keep going,
But weakness roots in my heart
In you I have found my Sam,
Won't let me fall back to the start.

Asterix the bright and clever-
Always knows what to do.
I follow- a faithful Obelix,
I'll always look to you.

And if I am truly Odin then you are Asgard itself.
How many other ways can I describe our friendship?
Your are Peter the rock-
And I am Thomas the doubter.

When you make friends, they aren't always nice,
Sometimes they prove to be only a vice.
And then there's one, or maybe two,
Who throughout your life, are always there for you.

There is one friend I have, who I hold near my heart ,
We're joined at the hip, we're never apart.
She and I, we rarely disagree,
We're always together, I can guarantee.

If my life was the price then she would be saved,
If my death would free her then her path would be paved.
If her freedom gained meant mine to be lost,
Then I wouldn't think twice about the cost.

There is one friend I have, who I hold near my heart ,
We're joined at the hip, we're never apart.
We may be in body, but never in mind,
We could find each other if we were blind.

It's barely been four days
And I miss you.

I listen to a song
And I miss you.

I walk past where we met
And I miss you

I see the underage smokers
And I miss you.

I see the teen punks
And I miss you

I read any book
And I miss you

I daydream and it always is you
And I miss you.

I do the bus journey
And I miss you.

I scroll through Facebook
And I miss you.

I doodle a dragon
And I miss you.

I eat a glacier fruit mint
And I miss you.

I stare at my wardrobe
And I miss you.

I play video games
And I miss you.

I wander round town
And I miss you.

It seems like there's no escape
And I miss you.

I come running to the words
And I miss you

I wait for inspiration to strike
And you appear.

I sit in a dark, musty room, the smell of damp penetrating my right to my bone.
the familiar shadows and lighting comforts me as I sit in the chair, staring into the mirror
The distant screams from far below are all too loud, but the scrape of metal on stone is worse.
I can hear my favourite song playing, and the crunch of a car pulling up on the driveway
I stare out the tiny hole in the wall above, focusing on the feet scurrying around in an attempt to ignore the bloodstains on the floor.
one last time I gaze at the familiar room, which has been mine forever, and will be no more
The key scrapes in the lock and the gate sqeaks open.
my mum knocks on the door before popping her head around
It's time
Roughly, I am forced up and one set of shackles replaced with another.
she guides me out of the room, crying already.
Reaching the door to the world, a quiet warning is uttered before I am forced out into the bright sunlight.
mum shouts for my dad and together we climb into the car, on our way at last.
I haven't left that cell in 16 years.
My time in that house is over- now I'm 25.
Stumbling over the cobbles in the glare I was so unused to, I barely noticed the shouts from the crowd which had gathered.
Everyone cheered as I got out, but they sounded muffled, entirely unreal.
The block on which I placed my head was well bloodied, stained brown from years of use.
The aisle was smooth, worn by all those who came before me.
I paid my toll and the axeman said something to the crowd- I couldn't think because all I could see was a well dressed woman standing where my daughter said she'd be.
He stood there beside me, as did the priest in his ceremonial robe.
I realised that was my daughter- not the eleven year old I remembered, but a twenty seven year old with her own family.
And so I am passed from my father to my spouse.
I opened my mouth to call out to her, an-
"I do."
**I woke in a dead sweat, convinced that one must be true.

Teenager
Child in a body too big
Grown up too small
Confused and complicated
Life used to be simple
Grown up so fast that i  don't recognise myself
I can hide from myself inside my brain
Don't let the madness show
The confusion and sadness and madness

Dont let hem worry about you

Never been kissed well thats just sad
No friends out of school thats just sad
Never had a boyfriend thats just sad
Confused mad me? Im just sad.

Nothing you can do to change it
Don't trust anyone too much hurt
Want to trust but cant

Don't understand emotions only ok or wrong
Cant turn my brain off
Don't understand why to look at people when i talk to them
Often too absorbed to hear anyone
Bright light
Cant handle its too much
Too logical
Bright enough to hide these difficulties
Don't let anyone worry

I cant deal with it anymore
Just want to cry in someones arms
I cant break down too much responsibility
Too much pressure
EXAMS DIVORCE MADNESS
I am broken
Trying to patch up as the inside crumbles
No inside left to hide
No outside to hold the patches
I am broken and confused and sad and mad

Just another teenager in the street
I dont stand out unless you know me
Except for not looking like a ****
I  don't dye my hair or use fake tan
I never wear more than a little mascara
No tiny shorts or big hair
No push up bra or revealing top
Just sad mad me in hoodie and jeans
Wearing converse because theyre comfy not because theyre cool

I am b r o k e n cunfosde and mmmmaaaaadddd me and i cant take it anymore.

You are the friend it took me years to find,
Now I can leave the past behind,
You led me through darkness to light,
Never complaining, you never took flight.
I want to return the help you gave,
though it may take me to my grave.
Though we argue now and then,
You are a friend, and friend again,
You will be. For you are the one who chose to be,
such a very good friend to me.

Nothing all gone
Nonsense no sense
Backwards
Upside down empty
Brain cant stop
Too much nothing
Packed tight empty space
Everything gone
Still there can't find it
Mixed up confused
Hidden in plain view
Stay still keep moving
Never existed far away
Cant reach too bright
White noise empty space
Silence too loud
Nonsense moronic ox
Death divorce illness stress
Madness
Wont go away isnt here
Missing but not gone
Crowding around
one big lump of busy emptines
Scared it wont stop
The noise and the panic

How can restriction be so freeing?
Constricted in nylon compression
Freedom in mind
Shallow breaths
But filled with smiles
With a skip in my step

If I close my eyes and think of you
I can smell your scent
From a mere two days ago
The flutter in my heart follows

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the joints
That I identified aged 10
I try not to *****

If I close my eyes and think of my best friend
I can smell her perfume and washing powder
It makes me smile
And want a hug

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale beer
A middle of the night smell
It meant 'don't leave your room'

If I close my eyes and think of my mum
I smell safety and comfort
Strength and gravity
The balance keeps me strong

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale sweat
The cruel words of abuse
The hatred inside myself

If I close my eyes and think of my sister
I smell vanilla and style
Fashion and creativity
Sullen kindness

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the cold of the room
With its broken window in the arctic temperatures
The fire unlit because the marijuana needed somewhere to grow

If I close my eyes and think of school
I smell the comforting sawdust
The corridors familiar
The classrooms like home

If I close my eyes and think of my father
Not having friends round to tea- because.
16 not 6-  you can't buy my trust
16 not 46- don't want prayer flags for my birthday

If I close my eyes and think of home
I smell the damp washing hanging up
Every squeaky floorboard
Every drip, clank, comforting noise

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I smell the power he loved to have
How I haven't seen him in three years
The fear that still remains

If I close my eyes and think of myself
I smell nothing
Hear and see nothing
At that is what scares me the most.

"You're not old enough" is all you hear,
"You're too young to be of any use".
Well, this is what I say to you:
"Don't listen to those well meaning, completely decieving, treacherous, think their better than us, we're old enough to understand, we've got your life all planned, so clever their dumb, brain cells and heart gone numb, big language they think you don't know, force you to follow them wherever they go, say its french if they swear, don't let your clothes tear, people that we trust in called grown ups.
You don't get on in life by listening to them, but by being:
Quite resourceful, only a little forceful, polite to those in power, never at all sour, an example of a good mix of words and fists, believing only in what exists, reasonably bold, young at heart not old, elegant whil still practical, clever and tactical, but most of all by being YOU and ignoring people unless they actually make sense for once!

The greyness will not go
From my mind, from the world
A dome of haze surrounds this troubled town
Dense, thick, ****** into the ground and out to the sky
From my soul, from the world
I'm not so far from sitting with the wild eyed vagrant
Watching all hope walk away
From my heart, from the world
A cruel twist of fate this is- when it began
Troubles came from a solution
From my pocket, from the world
Thanks to inefficiency, from the privileged
I have no food coming
From my hand, from the world
Dreams of warmth and meagre luxuries
Seem so distant, so impossible
From my head, from the world
If I can't survive this month on air
I shall go from my home
To the street, to the world.

Blank inspiration
Morbid death
Grey skies, clothes
White paper
Exams fill brain
So much forgotten
Time to relax is gone
Try to remember
Full memory empty
Don't want to
No choice
Morbid
Desperate in life

It is only a dream, the magic we could be

Drown out the silence
The snakes come whispering
Slithering
Drown it out with the noise
Tiny quiet close and loud
Drown out the words
The snakes
Hide very still hearing the silence
Imagine the noise to drown the snakes
A wave of sound drowning
I drown in the silence and see
Imagine
The snakes as they drown
They are still here
Creeping in through the cracks of quiet noise
What do the snakes say
They say nothing nothing
It all means something
No noise messages
The silence hurts but the words hurt more
What heart do the snakes have it is all gone only cruel carved stone
What heart do i have it is gone torn apart into silence
Let the tears come
Slow like the thunder
Quiet like the eye of a storm
Loud as the screams I hear
The screams that are mine
As i try to drown out the silence
Scream scream but only I can hear

The snakes still live but protect me not harm me
They surround me like a living shield
And i begin to be proud of them
In my green glowing underwater haven
They whisper but i cannot hear
I  don't need to
Most are gone and the few that remain
I know where they come from and who to blame
For the fact they have to stay
Slithering whispering
Drowned out by the lake
Not my snakes but anothers words
In the guise of my symbol
The sorcery comes from my mothers words
Slippery sliding
Venom from a saviour
Like a traitor
Rats squeak
Scurry
Scatter
For snakes eat rats and they protect me
Rats and words
Words and rats
My snakes protect me
Her cats protect her
And then there is the mouse queen
Almost all good but gets nothing done
Doesn't know of the rats of her right hand man
Voice uses them
Betrayers
Do no good

Should be crying but I want to laugh
And dance in glee
Where are my tears?
The rivers are dry and the sun beats down

Yes.
At sixteen I've never been kissed
Let alone gone further

For too long I was looking in the wrong area
But now I now who I am

I'm not going to pretend anymore
I'm finally going to be me

I would like to love another
And for them to love me

I'm ready, but I'm just too ******* shy
To make the first move

What happens if the friendship dissappears
Afterwards

I'm scared and frustrated but most of all I'm
Embarrassed.

My world breaks, shatters like a glass sphere.
   A fragile globe, damaged beyond repair.
      And all this happened to my world,
            because of a couple of words.
              One idiot and their mouth
                   ruined my life with
                      the words they
                              spoke.
                        They pressed
                    delete on my story
               of everything I knew about
         in the entire world by speaking out
     I heard them say something which killed
  All my faith and courage, all I comprehended.
Someone honest said that I should not live but die.

Love. ****. Why you?
It could have been someone easy.

Does she know what I'm thinking
Can she see it in my eyes
When she talks about Alice
A little bit of me dies

I weep but she doesn't see.

She's so beautiful but she doesn't know it
Her arm covered in lines of silvery white
They read 'dragon' again and again
When she walks in the room my heart soars like a kite

I head it so I don't embarrass her.

I have her gift that smells of her
Her picture in my head is what keeps my alive
Sometimes I sit and watch her draw
Good cop bad cop sketch book five

Just this year.

I have no shame of what I feel
But I can't confront those who will
The one I've told I think has guessed who
But if I tell others my grave is filled.

I'm not ready to die quite yet.

The friendzone is a danger
Which I am part of now
We have so much in common
Escape? Tell me how

I dare not break the bond we have.

I'm not stupid I know she has faults
But I admire each of them
Because she knows what they are
And to me they are gems

To be prized an not forgotton, but admired.

In turn she knows what I am like
How cruel I am to those I love
How I destroy all that I care about
Because I am a bomb and not a dove

Painted white to show my innocence

Love.
It has made fools of us all, for centuries gone by. I am a fool.

The awkward smile
The absent-minded tucking of my hair behind my ear

I glow in her company

She is radiant, and it rubs off onto me a little when I am near her.
There must be a quote about that somewhere.

A fool I may be, but an honest fool
I see her faults

Selfharming and shoplifting,
But a thief with morals

How to say something?

Washing over, it is a surprise
No noticeable trigger, even in retrospect
Nothing, and then BAM
A brick wall built in a moment as you step forwards
Hard to describe, my pen rusty from sitting tucked up in a drawer for so long
First I am me
Then me but not the same
How to define that inbetween?
Inconstant, shifting without warning
Dizzying to experience, shifts my emotions sideways
The one who laughs the loudest needs hope,
The one who is the rock needs stabilising
Or else TIP down as the little stones beneath shift around,
Down the cliff from the plateau
Leaving everyone else to cling to the rockface
How do I tell you that SHE makes me feel sick
When it had no effect yesterday?
It isn't he, nor always she, but neither ze nor they.
I am more than IT but less than she
How to tell you that she isn't me?
She was yesterday, the day before,
Today I am only me, as of 22:34
Tomorrow who knows?
But how to explain.

The battle of clothes.
Yesterday, curves accentuated
Today, too tight chest
Tool loose waist too tight hips
Nothing fits except the tears which spring to my eyes
Ever more easily.
Staining my cheeks, my sleeve sodden
I face the world and smile, laugh the loudest, help the most.
Nobody sees me crumble as i shift again,
Stagger slightly as it moves
Not back to where i once was,
But somewhere different once again.

My strength comes from me, but sometimes I can't help wishing I was  an elder daughter, a big sister, an average teenage girl.

That girl who smiles and laughs as you walk by?
Who you are jealous of?
She needs help more than most
The very word she can be jarring
But SHE smiles.

That clever girl who goes to the Catholic all girls around the corner?
Who you are jealous of?
Stupidity and cowardice to not be herself lie beneath.
Buries herself in schoolwork

That beautiful girl sits at a nearby table?
The one you are jealous of?
Beautiful is a dagger in her heart.
For she is not she nor he
Only somewhere in between
It is you these 'girls' are jealous of

I know you don't like how I feel
But please try to remember that it's natural for
a thing like me.
No longer against the law

You gave me a heart of card
Inked your favourite lyric on it-
I tried to return one but its so hard.
I was too shy and now I feel like ****

Your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen
Yours are the lips that I want to kiss.
You could never be just another teen
But my courage is far down in the abyss.

Its not a problem when you're the only one there
I just don't want anyone else to see- quite yet.
I don't want them to bully you or to stare
But they're always around- since we met.

Please don't voice my greatest fear
Lest my circuitboard dies
Or I lose a gear
To the rivers of tears I will cry

I can't trust you.
And I don't want to admit that
I don't love you anymore.
I'm still pretending
That you are the one.
I know that
I don't want to go out with you.
I'm trying to convince myself that
You were so important to me.
And how then,
I don't need you.
I'm only kidding myself when I say
I will always care about you.
Because it's not true-
I don't love you.
So I'm pretending that
I haven't moved on.
I need you to know that
My trust in you is broken.
And so even though
I can't beleive my courage.
I'm being honest with you.

I'm fine, doing great, yeah. Not been up to much really- at a bit of a loss now school's finally over.
help me I'm drowning in myself I can't escape this house, this prison, the people. My thoughts run in circles- the future, my little loki, that's it. I feel so trapped that there is no light anymore, except hope for the future- when I leave home I might have a chance at freedom if I haven't lost it to old Jack Daniels by then..

Yeah, I'm doing great too. Been trying to go on a few more runs now exams are done, taking care of my sister, that sort of thing. The other day we went to the park.
**my life is pretty bad right now. My relationship is a bit rocky, mum won't let me have five minutes to myself, and the only way I can escape is to go running before she gets back from work. Oh, and my ex has come crying to me about his problems.

I set my boundaries
But your angel fire burned them.
I set my sat nav to you and you to I
But I was flying blind.
I wanted to love and cherish you
But as the eldest I take responsibility.
I looked at you and thought I knew all
But all I saw was beautiful heaven eyes.
I lay awake and thought of you always
But I only knew you until midnight.
I thought I just liked you
But you are my class a drug.
I tried not to love you
But you stirred my mortal engines.
I know you seem the only one now
But you can only be the first of your bloodline.
I take tea with you and feel so grand
But you sit on the silver chair.
I love one who I can't trust
But that is the fault in our stars.
I thought you a simple book
But you are quantum physics for dummies.
I could never run through fire
But I would by royal command.
I hoped for a first love that was perfect
But this is beautiful chaos.

My what an expensive brand of bruise you wear!
It looks so real, like Fell Down the Stairs by House Wife
But surely not, none of us could afford it on our budget
It's genuine? I don't believe you.

Such an exquisite range of shades you have on,
And matching that dress so well!
Surely that's not a coordinating colour of cut lip too?
A gift from your partner? I don't believe you.

I guess i always wondered why
It was called heartache.
I guess i thought i knew on sunday when
It felt like a giant ice cube was glued to my chest
I guess i changed my mind when i worked out what
The numb feeling was in the rest of me
I guess the heart is just where
The pain starts to be felt
I guess that hardly anyone knows who
Causes me this pain
I guess that everybody knows how
Heartache comes from a broken heart

I guess I'm the only one that knows that I'm bot even broken,
I'm just a crystal that can't see if I have a crack or not.

I guess that light will appear
Tomorrow at school when we talk.

If losing yourself is like drowning in the deepest sea
Then I'm being drowned by society
Down into isolation and darkness
I realise it's important so hark! This
Person is finding out just who they are
It's taken time and I've travelled far
But I'm sinking and flying at the same time
If you've got a problem you can wait in line
Behind all the bullies and people I've been mean to
I'm starting to get my problems seen to
By doing it myself and carpe firm
I need to be me so they can be them
Heading down I don't know the words
But up in the sky it all seems absurd
It's safer to be a serious straight woman
Than a fun bi genderqueer who can
Do whatever the hell they like
And don't feel scared be "***" or "****"
Being yelled at across the street and whispered on the stair
Because confidence means they just don't care
What people think or how they behave
So standing up for myself isn't brace
It's supporting human rights and I have a right to be
Here on this earth as part of this world
Not in the sea or sky, not boy or girl

I imagined you
Daydreamed you
All of you
Your beautious wonder
Your faults

I looked at you and you were the same
As I imagined you
I saw the real you

But in my head you
Kissed me

I think I thought I could save you
From yourself, from your troubles, from life.
And that maybe that would make you mine,
Help you to throw away the knife.
Forever.

I think I thought I would help you
Along self belief street.
But the daring darkness from your unconfidence
Is part of you, the one I loved to meet.
At first.

I think I realised I loved you
When I didn't care about your flaws.
I met all of you and cared for you,
As we ran through double doors.
Together.

I think I realised I clicked with you,
When you loved the same things as I.
You showed me new, and I looked at you,
And my whole heart leapt high.
In the air.

I think I knew I could trust you
When I came out to you and you didn't spread it.
We larked about for days on end,
In my arms, so well you fit.
So close.

I think I knew your importance
When you whirled around in my head.
You were all I could think of throughout the day,
And all night as I lay in bed.
Daydreaming.

Why do they say knitting needles go 'click'?
It's more of a 'squeak', 'shuffle', 'tap', 'shuffle'.
Is it the same way that rain doesn't 'splash'?
It goes 'drop', 'plop', 'thud'.
These are the thoughts that rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

Thoughts aren't threads to be woven
They are patches to be stitched together- each one a new colour.
Grey is when my brain won't stop- the colour of school uniform.
White is when I'm scared and alone- an ethereal mist.
These are the thoughts that rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

Recently there's been a lot of green- warm and swirling like a gemstone.
It is like marble in its pattern, layers of shades overlapping.
That's what your patches are. And here I'm
Trying to not think of you but you rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

I notice a burnt orange- like lava bubbling over a cool skin.
That is quiet anger. Not at you.
Not at me for thinking of you.
At the one who thought I could stop.
It is impossible, especially when I don't want to stop as I sit
And knit.

Even as I tried to write a poem withought you.
I couldn't.
You're here again- and these are just the ones I wrote down.
All these thoughts of you rise to the top as i sit
And knit.

Sometimes I forget
The abuse.
Sometimes even the
Pain begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Knocking on my door at 9.45
On a Saturday night
Isn't normal
When I haven't seen you in 3 years.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear flows through my veins.
and i turn the TV up
and I pretend I can't hear you
and I cry silently.

Sometimes I think that I can
Move on.
Sometimes the barrier
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Parking outside my school
For a week
Isn't normal
When you don't even know my age.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my escape plan is ready
and I won't walk alone
and I try to hide in the crowd.

Sometimes I think you've
Finally died.
Sometimes the fear
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Offering holidays just to me
And not your other daughter
Isn't normal
When we both chose to leave your life.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my head is spinning
and I change my number
and I block you.

Sometimes the PTSD
Is gone.
Sometimes my childhood
Is rescued.
But then I remember-
A 30 mile bike ride
With no food or water
Isn't normal
When you're only 10 years old.

*and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and the insomnia takes hold
and I can't open my front door
and if you could get in you would.

language warning*

So what.
I am a person, with hobbies
Interests

We need labels to understand, but I don't remember anything about labels to discriminate.
How can a feminist be racist? Or any other paradox

They are just labels- to explain and no more. **** all of those *******

So... I'm bisexual
Shock!
Horror!

Nothing more anymore
Identity limited- Why the **** should it be?

To say that just one of my labels defines me, it makes me inferior- well that makes you as a ****

The Jewish labelled with their numbers- me with a word- do you see what you do to me
And to yourself.

Time goes slowly, time goes fast
Life doesn't last.
The wheel of fortune doesn't stay the same
Father Time isn't tame.
Friends back-stab at the base
You always come last in the race
Lady luck is at the top,
You feel your luck will never stop
Then, back round you go,
everything stops being just so.
Death will come,
At the bottom it's gruesome.
At the top it's calm,
Floating away in Lady Luck's palm.
When you join the dance
Is completely chance
Some are born up at the top
Luck in life that doesn't stop.
Some are shoved onto the ground,
Fated to be lost not found.
Time goes slowly, time goes fast,
Life doesn't last.

To forgive or not to forgive?
Logic says what you did was wrong
But love gives you another chance.

I'd like to think it was a one off thing
Just to try and impress me.
But the look on the officer's face said otherwise.

I saw regret in your eyes and thought
It was for what you did but it wasn't.
It was for getting caught.

Today I wanted to talk, but she was in the way.
Oh well, we still had a lovely day.
But you tried again- this time I stopped you.

I still want to talk so much
That the walls of my mind can hear nought else.
But dare i give you another chance?

You hurt me but I don't feel it.
Do I want to help because I care,
Or is it the other way round?

Those first touches, caresses
So gentle, so light I thought you a ghost
And yet how could I ever miss you
With your cold beans and your microwaved toast
I can't remember when they started,
But I will never forget them turning into something more
Accidental marring and patterns traced
You never knock normally on my door.
Touched aren't ghostly when everyone leaves
A night of mad men is making me mad
Game of Thrones was just a pretence; you knew.
It was exciting and safe, your nerves made me glad
Because our tentative exploration developed so fast
Practice makes perfect,
Mutual inexperience was cute
We learnt of our actions and we learnt of each other
A background film was certainly astute
You made your mark and I made mine
You teased, you were subtle, my arm shows your line
My canvas, your neck, headphones hide the divine
My bra covers all, on your eyes mine do dine

I'm still waiting for your lips- reach up to mine

Luscious sycamore
Smiling carefree ocean eyes
Dream of that first kiss

I love you
Your gentle touch
Your nervous giggle
You caring smile

I love you
But I'm not in love

My hand clenches around my heart
Constricting its beating
Forcing it to step in time to the wrong dance

I'm slicing m own soul apart with this quandary
But the knife is so sharp I hardly notice it
I only think of your face
What you will do when I tell you

I love you
But I'm not in love

The hurt pouring from your eyes
Like blood from a wound
Not windows, but floodgates to the soul unable to close

As your eyes furrow
And mouth turns, open in surprise
Glasses a shield for me
Or you, I can't tell

I love you
But I'm not in love

So mixed up, so confused
I don't even know what I can do
To stop this all
So if you know, give me a call

Caught in the middle of all of it
Want to run away for a bit
Or forever, just to get away
From everything that's in my head today

My heart is torn up like bits of confetti
Abandoned on a stage floor and yet he
Has no clue what he's doing
When he flirts with the girl in
Alternative clothes with the sassy words
Even if I tried I wouldn't be heard

I say I've moved on from the sweetest kid
That I've ever met and what I did
To **** it by panicking about how to be
instead of just relaxing and sharing me

So I get jealous of mascara and lipstick
Because she doesn't have to think
About making the wrong move or what she says
Flirting with him as I hide my face

I'm emotionally drained from all of it
But people are just my kind of hit
To stop the sadness from gushing and flowing
So I'm in withdrawal when I say I'm going
The symptoms set in so turn up the music
And drowning them out is what I pick

Even if it doesn't work I can say I tried
But 'tween my heart and my head I'm going to die
From overload of emotions and thoughts
I'm tired of falling- I want to be caught

Tripping and stumbling and getting back up
Is all I do so pour me a cup
Of the strongest thing you can find
And let me leave the past behind

As another day passes by
I'm trying to deny that I want to die
So save me from it all, don't let me be dead
Let my heart and my head
And my soul be whole
Let in the new and let go of the old