Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Jun 2020 · 268
Black Pride
Lawren Jun 2020
Take pride, Black girl, in
Your eyes—keen, ablaze
Thick, comb-breaking hair in puffs

We were meant to be,
Here, in this place, now
Though told we’re others, outside.

                                                                             Take pride, Black boy, in
                                                                    Your smile—wide and bright
                                                                   Long, wiry arms, perfect hugs

                                                                                     We deserve the sky,
                                                                          Clouds, sun, stars and all,
                                                                Earthward they pull as we soar.


                                       You’re worthy of life
                                           But guilty at birth
                             Of living while Black—full stop.

                                          The power in you
                                        Cannot be measured
                                Narrow your life for no one

                                          Quietly screaming,
                                    Under masks and knees
                              Slowly on we trudge forward.
inspired by a haiku challenge (non-traditional haiku) and the Black struggle including police brutality
Apr 2020 · 115
Courage
Lawren Apr 2020
When we dare to be quite audacious,
Not afraid to take space, so tenacious
Fearless and brave,
No attention we crave,
Steady breath and mind calm with patience.

When we stare deep into our fears,
Disquiet thoughts bound ‘twixt our ears,
Both pupils dilate,
And our heart speeds its rate,
Seconds become minutes become years.

But what if the danger’s within?
Not obvious, hidden by skin.
Can’t see it or touch it,
No words to describe it,
Agonal, gravitational tailspin.

Taught to be silent, we don’t speak.
Learned to be quiet, words in cheek.
Swallow them whole down,
Then be shamed to the ground,
Feckless attempts to voice, bleak.

So SCREAM.
LET IT OUT.

Break          free    of     the       perimeters           forced    upon          us,

Confines constructed to keep us constrained.

Alas, mitochondria made with fortitude
Vertebrae aligned to endure

With courage we wake weekly,
With courage we battle to breathe,
With courage we connect, collectively,
Resisting the urge to slip beneath.
The virtue of courage
Jun 2019 · 667
Diversity quota
Lawren Jun 2019
I am the glass in your window.
Your eye struggles to see me,
Not through me.
Unless I am cracked, soiled or ajar,
Spewing air that makes you uncomfortable.
You keep me for protection
And because my appearance makes
Your house look good, inviting.

Every once in a while,
Your eyes catch a glimpse of your reflection
In me.
So you cover me up,
Hide me from the light
And shield your eyes from seeing
Your true nature.

If I shatter under attack,
You scold me for being too fragile,
Sensitive to the hurt thrown at me.
If the sun shines too bright,
You blame me for being too transparent.
If the rain patters too loudly against me,
You chastise me for being too resonant.

But you knew what I was when you chose me,
Picked me to be here.
I couldn't hide even if I wanted to.

Over time,
The forces pulling me down
Leave me uneven.
Because though still I may seem,
Inside, I am just
A collection of millions of atoms
Constantly moving, vibrating, changing.

Care for me you could,
But instead you choose to ignore.
Eventually replacing me with something newer,
Shinier,
And more like the others.
What it feels like to be ignored.
Apr 2019 · 862
Medicine
Lawren Apr 2019
Despite outward appearances,
we are the same inside.
My heart beats like yours.
S1, S2. lub dub lub dub.
My lungs expand and collapse as yours,
My eyes observe yours watching me
And we are one.

Our lives, separate but concurrent
Have hardened our skin,
And softened our hearts,
Weathered our faces,
And strengthened our resolve.

I, the carer by title,
and you, the receiver by name,
the roles are readily reversed.
I am healed by your trust
And you by my ken

For we are commensal parasites--
Each requiring the other to live
While we sit, vulnerable,
Ready for the taking.

In my white coat,
And your white gown
We meet, as humans
To heal.
Apr 2019 · 611
The Dream
Lawren Apr 2019
Since the age of 4,
I’ve wanted nothing more
Than to heal, and feel
Like I belong, therefore

I struggle and try
Pretend not to cry
While you laugh and laugh
Elated to simply standby.

I plead and seek your aid,
Instead of help, you evade
All I ask of you, is for you to do
The job for which you are paid.

My blunder I can’t ascertain
My fellows you guide time and again
Until, I yet see, that the error is me
Teaching me is from what you refrain.

But the real problem here,
Is that I can’t be clear,
Of this skin I was born in,
It doesn’t exist—a veneer.

On the ground I must lay,
Your knee crushing my airway,
While to me you tell, that all is swell,
My lips blue, no air left to say

That since I was 4,
I’ve wanted nothing more
Than to heal, and feel
Like I belong, therefore

Though scared I may seem,
And left no self-esteem
I continue to fight, for it is my right
To keep pursuing my dream.
How it feels when teachers refuse to help you because of a characteristic or feature or part of you that you were born with.
Sep 2018 · 272
The decision
Lawren Sep 2018
Alone I walk,
To no one I talk,
No fingers with mine interlock.

Day by day,
In bed I lay,
Wasting my whole life away.

Sad without tears,
But drowning in fears,
My voice is mute to your ears.

Always seen through,
Weighing all down like dew,
With joy, my life can't imbue.

So with no motivation,
and minimal mentation
From life I'll have full dislocation.
Wanted to pair rhyming (typically associated with happy poems) and a very depressing/somber topic.
Apr 2018 · 327
Appreciation
Lawren Apr 2018
What is appreciation,
But a love for what is
Exactly as it is.
An attention to the details,
Every crevice, curve and bend
Without expectation of change.
Quietly observing the natural truth and beauty oozing from within.
Savoring every moment, sad and happy.

I appreciate you.

It is more than love for love's sake.
To appreciate is to hold in high value not only the tangible,
But also the nebulous. The aura. The shadow. Whole.

I appreciate you.
Not what you do, but what you are.
Not what you say, but what you mean.
How you breathe. How you move. How you embody and exude your authentic self.

I appreciate you.
not yet finished. not sure how to finish it so need to think on it some more.
Lawren Apr 2018
Through death we learn how precious life is.
We are given the gift of your first and last home.
With the first cut, your struggles, your joys and your scars are all revealed.
And we see you.

We see the physical pieces, tissues and organs that you inhabited.
The lungs that expanded with your first breath and collapsed with your last.
The heart that beat for the first time in synchrony with your mother's.
The womb in which you created life.

But when we see you,
We also find foreigners who took your space for themselves.
The cancers which suffocated and starved you.
Sutures, scars, and remnants of past surgeries intended to extend your life.
Abnormalities and deformities that not only defined your perfect imperfection, your humanness,
But also evicted you from your physical being.

So lucky are we to learn from you.
So indebted are we to you
For your generosity and humility.
Like all great teachers, you have made great sacrifices in the name of education.
And for that we are truly grateful.

While your ears cannot hear our "thank-you"
We know you are listening and watching over us
As we pursue the knowledge and empathy we need
To become great doctors.
I wrote this after the Catholic Mass was held for our cadaver donors and their families.
Nov 2015 · 573
For you
Lawren Nov 2015
The way in which you love,
So truly and deeply,
Is felt in my soul.
From the marrow in my bones
To the tips of my hair.

Just a glimpse of you
Warms my blood and
Floods my body with joy
And I can't help but smile,
Even if only for a millisecond,
No matter how deep into the darkness I've traveled.

And for that I am grateful.

You are the North Star that shines bright with diligence,
Guiding me through the treacherous night
Toward my freedom,
And away from the ******* of self
That enslaves me,
And keeps me shackled to my negative thoughts.

Like a mother cat to her kitten
You teach me not to **** where I eat
And how to always land on my feet when I fall,
No matter how far.

And for that I am grateful.

Your hugs are morsels of love,
Radiating with the kindness, acceptance and patience
Ingrained in your DNA,
That all transfer from your heart to mine
When we embrace,
Left to left,
Calming my anxious spirit
And once again I am grateful.

Because I know that no matter what,
You're on my side.
That the ratio of good to bad in the world
Increases every time you interact with someone,
Dropping little high-pitched bombs of wisdom
That explode with the positivity and joy we all need,
Not only to bring us closer to our own inner selves,
But also to see through the façades of others
And have compassion.

For we are all connected by an invisible web
Much bigger than us
And not created by us
But that traverses oceans and time alike
And brought you into my life
When I needed you most.

And for you I am eternally grateful.
For someone I love and respect dearly who is a mentor and happens to be  short with a high pitched voice (just so the references are clear) for her birthday. I hope it doesn't sound romantic bc it's not meant to, but it expresses how she affects my life and I hope she likes it. (And you like it too!)
Jul 2015 · 2.7k
Trust
Lawren Jul 2015
Though excruciating,
I have delicately incised my heart
And left it open for you.
Blood and all.
I am completely defenseless,
Truly surrendering what is deepest within me.
All of me is on display,
And I am vulnerable, exposed.
Our environment, unsterile,
Makes me susceptible to infections:
Hate, judgment, abuse
That spread through the words and actions of others,
Attacking my system.
And, subconsciously, I internalize them,
Accepting them as my own.
But I trust you to care for me.
I believe with conviction, I must,
You have washed your hands
In preparation to touch my heart
With the gentleness I need
And cannot provide myself.
Because alone, I am unfixable,
Permanently damaged and slowly losing blood.
Dying behind my seemingly perfect demeanor,
A closed facade.
I trust that because I have exposed my pain
To you, solely you,
We can begin to repair the destruction
And stop the hemorrhaging,
Together.
Thereby providing the means by which
This earthly vessel, and in turn
The fragile soul inside,
Can finally begin to heal.
The virtue of trust
07-18-15
Jul 2015 · 4.9k
Determination
Lawren Jul 2015
When I discern a goal I want to meet,
I must fully commit to the process.
3 steps forward, 1 step back.
While it may not be perfect,
I am moving forward with resolve.

A slip is not a fall
Unless I put my hands down
And a fall is not a failure
Unless I accept defeat.
Because I was born with the power and strength
To stand up against gravity
And anything else that tries
To bring me to my knees.

But it is determination that gives me
The courage to keep going
When burdened by fear of failure
And the unknown.

When a tornado picks me up
And violently plops me down
In the land of insanity,
It is determination that returns me home,
Even when I thought it impossible
Because crazy had become my new norm.

And it is my determination to discover
My place in this world, my value
That keeps me present in my body
When all I want to do is run away.
The virtue of determination
7-17-2015
Jul 2015 · 1.4k
Peacefulness
Lawren Jul 2015
I am peaceful when my mind is still
And my heart is gentle.
My actions must align with my beliefs
Tall and orderly like the vertebrae in my spine
During quiet meditation.
I am not accepting of labels which others place on me,
That are in dissonance with my inner self
And what I know to be true.
Because only when I am genuine can I find clarity.
Clarity to discover my serenity
And be able to watch my emotions
Pass through me like vagabonds,
Instead of latching on for dear life
As my knuckles turn white
And my lungs turn blue.
The virtue of peacefulness
7-13-15
Jul 2015 · 3.5k
Flexibility
Lawren Jul 2015
Flexibility is the presence of structure
In the absence of rigidity.
Like the valves in my veins
That keep my blood flowing in the
Right direction.

As limber beings we can sway and bend without snapping.
Even under intense pressure,
We are able to return to normal
When we call upon our inner strength.
Our minds, like muscles,
Must be consistently stretched and tested
To remain pliable.
Allowing us to become more accepting of ourselves and others.
The virtue of flexibility
07-16-2015
Jul 2015 · 2.1k
Acceptance
Lawren Jul 2015
To accept is to acknowledge the things and people
We cannot change.
With gentleness and detachment.
Not to simply tolerate our differences,
But to hold in my heart that you are who you are
And I love your entire being,
Unconditionally and without judgment.
To accept myself proves more difficult
For we can never truly detach from ourselves.
We all long to be accepted and part of something more.
To feel our hearts beat in sync with another
When we embrace: chest to chest for six seconds
To feel like we belong.
Because acceptance is also the belief in the inner goodness
Of someone
Which we can't always see inside ourselves.
So we constantly search for something that separates us,
Makes us different.
Not realizing we are in effect shunning ourselves
And preventing others from seeing us,
Sometimes intentionally.
But when we become mindful of our thoughts and actions,
Especially towards self,
And we treat ourselves as we treat others,
We can truly invite unequivocal love into our lives
And receive the acceptance
For which our spirit genuinely yearns.
The virtue of acceptance
7-15-2015
Jul 2015 · 3.9k
Excellence
Lawren Jul 2015
I am excellent.
Not because I conform
To someone else's standards,
Beliefs, or expectations of me,
But because I choose to live with integrity.
I strive to be the best I can be
Without expecting perfection.
As I am also human.
I falter and fail.
But failure is not the absence of excellence,
It is simply the cataracts that cloud my eyes
And prevent me from seeing
My own arete.
For when I look in the mirror,
All I see is dark spots, blemishes.
And no matter the angle from which I view,
I am inferior, a mistake.
I must first accept my perfect imperfection
And ask for help,
Before the flawed lenses with which I was born
Can be replaced,
And I can finally see with unwavering clarity
That I am a person of worth.
I have significance.
And though I may not always trust
What I know to be true,
It is my intrinsic value as a being,
And not a doing,
That makes me excellent.
The Virtue of Excellence
Jul 2015 · 1.0k
Cooperation
Lawren Jul 2015
Unity through working together
For we cannot exist without each other.
I need my lungs which need trees,
Who need the sun to rise every morning.
The same sun who kisses my cheek and warms my heart,
Darkens my skin and calms my soul.

As joyful music enters my ears, my mind is quiet
And a gentle smile forms-
Easing left over pain from the day before
Releasing serotonin in my brain, and
Signaling to my body that we will be OK.

Because today is a new day,
A new chance to live harmoniously with the other beings
With whom I co-exist;
To dwell on earth in synergy
With the energy of atoms outside my mortal chassis.
Those which I cannot control
But upon which I must depend
To simply
Subsist.

For alone, I am nothing but
A random collection of carbon and hydrogen atoms
Vibrating at different frequencies.

But with the help of gravity and other natural forces
They are unified into one.
Moving together,
Pulsing together,
To form the being that is me.
The Virtue of Cooperation (07/12/2015)
Jun 2013 · 5.4k
The Desert
Lawren Jun 2013
A calm and cool breeze
Passes through the leaves of the trees,
Persuading the branches to sway,
Like algae in a turbulent sea.
Without a cloud in the pale blue Arizona sky,
The sun radiates down-- hot and glaring.
It reflects off the shiny paint of the cars around me,
Illuminates the brown mountains in the distance.
And magnified through the thick lenses of my glasses,
It blinds my sensitive eyes.
The surrounding sempiternal desert
Is so clear and sharp,
That no one nor nothing can hide
(With the exception of the beings who can blend,
And despite my tiring efforts,
I am not one of them.)
The nearest Creosote bush
Eminates of the smell of water,
As it passes through a hose.
I am instantly transported back home
Where sand is replaced by grass and plants
That require regular watering to survive.
When I close my eyes I can see
The illusion of a waterfall, created by the uncoiling hose
As it ejects tepid water for us to traverse.
But upon unveiling my windows,
I allow the sandy landscape to penetrate into my soul
And I am brought back to the present
Where life subsists, illogically,
Through a dearth of water, and inordinate sun.
Jun 2013 · 2.0k
Strength
Lawren Jun 2013
Strength is the ability to protect yourself
Emotionally, physically, spiritually.
You are strong when you need no one
You are self-sufficient
The desire is there sans the need.
Acceptance of lacking in one area
Will allow you and behooves you to
Increase strength in another.
Because without strength you are vulnerable
To external forces.
Like newborn turtles as they make
The dangerous pilgrimage to water,
Picked off one by one,
By carnivorous, unforgiving animals:
People out to hurt others to falsely improve
Their own self-esteem.

Strength is the courage to challenge your fears
And make an about-face to run toward them
Not away.
This abrupt "180" seems incongruent to our
Beliefs, desires and thoughts
Because our subconscious mind proclaims
That to confront our apprehensions deems us
Weak.
And as naive beings, we listen wholeheartedly,
Believing that what we ignore does not exist
And we regress to an age when object impermanence
Unsettled our feelings of safety.

Without strength we cannot breathe, eat or think
And without fulfillment of these basic human needs
The question is, Do we really exist?
So we must define and develop our own strength
In order to thoroughly define and develop
Our sense of self.
May 2013 · 491
Butterflies
Lawren May 2013
Today, my body aches with sadness
For I am caged inside the ribs of this body
And the confines of this mind.
My screams and sobs radiate upward from my belly
And violently explode into silent butterflies
Rising and falling like frantic waves:
Colliding and twisting with every breath.
Inhale.
Wait.
Exhale.
The pause is the most important.
It holds the fear and excitement around life and death,
Right and wrong,
Me and you.
Because we cannot be together.
It’s been too long
Too exhausting, too ugly
And I won’t take your ******* anymore.
We are done.
I’m escaping from the cage
The confines, the prisons
And releasing my butterflies into the sky
To fly any direction they please.
Mar 2013 · 530
Resistance
Lawren Mar 2013
Resistance is:
The lack of willingness to change,
A desire for control.
We resist when we feel
Angry or hurt,
Because really we are scared.
The act of resisting takes so much energy,
But yet we continue because
We are slaves of habit.
So we waste away
Robbing our bodies and ourselves of
Everything, anything.
Because we want what we want and
Not what you want.
We have hissy fits and revert back
To our 2 year old selves
Trying to assert our independence.
Denying the fact that we have tied
A brick to our feet,
In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and
Proud of finally doing something on our own
We are alone
Sinking.
Unless we resist the urge to resist and
Call out for help
We will continue to sink
Then drown in our pride
Too resistant to try something new
Or do something different.
Feb 2013 · 356
Untitled
Lawren Feb 2013
As I sit here in front of you,
I am in awe.
I envy your uniqueness and
Your strength to be different.
Your thick trunk holds you up
And roots you to the ground.
I see the remnants of your traumas:
Cut, infiltrated, branded, punctured
But yet you continue to grow.
Your branches become thinner
As they move away from your body,
By hold the leaves without which
You couldn't survive.
This, your physically weakest part
Makes you vulnerable,
Yet you reach out, steadfast,
Inviting any and everyone in
Because without you we cannot survive.
We must depend on each other
For that which we need.
So here I sit,
Gazing up at your interlacing arms.
Absorbing the wisdom you bring and
Hoping that I can do for you and others
All that you already do for me.
This is the second poem from the tree assignment.
Feb 2013 · 468
Tree
Lawren Feb 2013
I am a tree.
A real tree with real bark.
As I've grown taller and older
My branches have been sheared.
The little pieces of me,
My old self.
I lean now,
Slightly to the right,
Imperfect and not standing tall.
I've been through a lot in my life
Leaves falling, branches breaking,
Bark peeling and moss growing.
I no longer fit in with all the
Straight and narrows around me.
In fact I am unique
The only one like me for miles around.
I am a real tree,
And for that I am proud.
The assignment was to connect with a tree in nature. This is one of two poems.
Feb 2013 · 1.1k
Hope
Lawren Feb 2013
Hope is tired.
He is an old man, beaten down,
Worn out by the disappointment
Of expectations.
Every now and then the sun comes out
And hope is renewed,
Transformed into an infant:
Fresh, naïve, a blank slate
Upon which the world will write.
Without hope we would be nothing,
Life would no longer exist,
And the vacuum of anti-matter,
That makes up space, would be its successor.
Hope puts ideas in our minds
And laughter in our souls.
It brings tears to our eyes,
And despair to our hearts.
Hope is the basis, the foundation
For all emotion, thought and action
Because it provides us with the power of reasons:
A reason to love and breathe
And a reason to sleep and eat;
A reason to be ourselves and a reason to
Live the life we are meant to live.
Lawren Feb 2013
I love you.
I will never abandon you
Like everyone else.
Never would I hurt you,
Unless you disobey me,
For I own you.
You are my property.
A little teddy bear I cuddle
And squeeze until your stuffing pops
Out from behind your eyes.
Your beautiful eyes.
Watch and observe.
Your body, disgusting
But able to do what I want.
I provide goals for you,
Something to do,
A challenge to accept.
No matter how many times
You cut the cord,
We will forever be attached.
I, as a newborn, a fetus,
Feeding off all that is you.
Or, I, as your mother,
Protecting you & entrapping you
Inside my womb.
Our lives depend on each other.
We are one.
United through your blood,
Your every breath.
I'm your best friend
Loyal and honest.
As long as you have me,
You need no one else.
Feb 2013 · 383
It Goes On
Lawren Feb 2013
It goes on
It continues
Flowing down from
The mountain of shame
Twisting & turning
It engraves a path
The path I am to follow.
In 3 words it goes on.

It goes on
Slowly & begrudgingly
Scintillating back & forth
In the snow
Carving an angel
To guide my way.
In 3 words
It goes on.

It goes on
Unbeknownst to me
For I am stuck
Trapped inside
The white straight jacket
Of my mind.
Unable to breathe or eat
Because I refuse to look at it
But still, in 3 words
It goes on.

It goes on
And on and on
Infinitely moving forward
Past me, toward me
Through me
And it will continue to go on
Without me
Until I step forward
Of my own free will
Through my choice
With my true self and whole heart
That I go on
Without judgment or pity
But love and the understanding
That I must go on.
Written based off of the Robert Frost quote, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
Jan 2013 · 552
Language of the Heart
Lawren Jan 2013
The heart listens
Beat after beat
Encapsulated by the lungs
Who resonate with the sound of the breath
In and out
Without which no sound could be spoken
Or heard
Hearing and listening
Separated by automatic or conscious thought
My ears hear
But I must listen
Listen, focus
A connection is made
Through sight, touch
So we beat together
Connected by an invisible spider’s web
Thin but strong
Direct and iridescent
Systole, diastole
Open and close
No words needed
A rhythm unspoken
Warming our souls
Alone but together
Shared
No sentence
No phrase
No beginning
No end
Just love
And that is
The language of the heart.
Aug 2012 · 2.2k
The Ache
Lawren Aug 2012
The heart aches for comfort.
The skin tingles in the absence of a warm return.
The mind tricks the body
Into believing the emptiness is enough;
That with self-discipline comes love,
And with love comes touch.
But it comes at a cost.
The cost of your self,
Your being,
Your worth.
You.
Are you willing?
Jul 2012 · 887
Grief
Lawren Jul 2012
You are gone.
My eyes are blind to your body.
My ears deafened to your voice,
I am senseless.
But refusing to accept
My eyes and ears strain to find you
In the darkness,
The silence.
Tears erupt from within me
As though my Jugular has been
Sliced by the shock
That should’ve saved you.
My shoulders begin to ache
As my hands grasp for you
And find nothing but air
Intangible molecules bouncing and colliding
To form matter that isn’t you.
Like a newborn chick I imprint on
Anything that moves
Hoping maybe it will be you
Or something, someone similar.
I am lost without a map
Left with nothing but time
Not enough to bring you back
Enough to think of you and
Too much to fill the hole in my heart.
A hole that has left me
Tachycardic and anoxic
Unable to take in a breath of life
Under the weight of guilt from
Stealing that which could’ve been yours—
Should be yours.
If only…
If only I had caught you
Before you fell.
If only…
If only we hadn’t fought.
But you left me.
You abandoned me.
Like a baby you didn’t want
A puppy that couldn’t be trained
Why?
I wanted to die
I tried to leave
But I failed,
Because you are gone
And I am not.
Jun 2012 · 736
Goodbye to ED
Lawren Jun 2012
Banished from my life
To me, you are dead.
Amputating your white knuckles
From my lungs I revive the breath
Which had previously been taken.

Sneakily, I crept upon you
Stealing away the blinders—
Regaining my peripheral vision
And ability to see the world around me.

I plug my headphones into my body
Drowning out your drill sergeant
Yelling at me to run faster,
Push harder,
Be better.

Removing your sparkling diamond ring
From my finger,
I cancel our engagement.
No longer will we live together
Intimately sharing our space—
MY space.
There is no space for you here.

Quickly and ferociously
I throw your **** out the window
Leaving you mute, homeless and limbless;
Unable to communicate with anyone else,
Or invade their space.
An exterminator has been in and out
Killing the parasites ingested
From the food you tainted.

With the worms removed
And the eggs uprooted,
You’ve lost your control over my body.
My firewalls are up,
Protecting me from further infection.

I know and understand your acid rain
Will fall upon me again,
But I have built a house
Upon strong supports
In which I can enter
When I am enticed
By the tingling burn of my skin.
Jun 2012 · 994
Arizona
Lawren Jun 2012
Mind clear as the Arizona sky
Thoughts blowing through the cacti
Creating dust storms through my body
Over-heated from self-judging rays
Hot and blinding
Eyes, apexes of the Catalinas
Peering down upon everything around me
Rivers flowing down
Nourishing the landscape of my heart below
Pulsing with unexpected life
Snakes and birds traveling everywhere—
Blood carrying life from one place to another
Emotions twinkling through the night—
Stars guiding the way to safety
My being landlocked on all sides
Holds its own
Living on its own time
Disregarding social norms
Full of constant radiating light
I am peaceful and serene.
Jun 2012 · 631
The Rose
Lawren Jun 2012
Emotions are like thorns—
The harder I push against them
The deeper they reach inside me.
Painfully stabbing through
My so-called “protective layers.”
Quickly tapping them
With the tip of my finger
Releases one drop of that
Which I had contained.
The drops continue to flow
Unless I am bounded, restrained.
The petals mirror the drops in color
Portraying the future blooming
Of my life.
Once the emotions are in place.
Occasionally I grab the rose,
Forcefully, clumsily puncturing my skin,
With multiple emotions at once
Uprooting the flower and
Eventually killing my feelings, future and self—
Essentially shutting down all that is me.
In order for the flower to bloom again,
I must plant a seed and wait
Cautiously feeling the thorns
As they grow.
Until finally the bud opens and
My future blooms into a bright red rose.
Jun 2012 · 606
Trapped
Lawren Jun 2012
Like my heart in its cage
I am trapped.
Fluttering and beating
My hardest to be free,
But with no success.
I am tethered by veins and arteries
That sustain me.
And that I keep alive in return.
I am in control of me
But I am controlled by a being
Upon whom I codepend.
My every move is due to impulse
And when stopped, my physical being
Must be revived y shock
And ingestion of a foreign substance.
My inner being flows abundantly with life
That remains enclosed
To protect myself and others.
But if ever I am harmed or cut
The life within me gushes out
With the promise of impending death.
So I remain protected, encapsulated
In my pouch and prison
To keep me alive and active
In the world around me.
Jun 2012 · 2.5k
I Am Cello
Lawren Jun 2012
My brain is a finely tuned A string
Plucking and picking itself out of tune
And though out of tune itself
Molds and bends to be in tune
Relative to others.

My skin like a mahogany fingerboard
Is constantly pressed
And squeezed and slapped
—Abused by my own hand.

My mouth and tongue are f-holes
Through which my inner vibrations
Are released into the air.

My heart is a bridge
Keeping my thoughts
In their rightful place
But also connecting
My body and mind.

My bones make up my sound-post
Holding me together
And providing the structure
Necessary to speak.

My feet are an endpin
Grounding me
And connecting me
To my surroundings.

Occasionally a bow comes along
Forcing me to do or say
The opposite of my desires
Moving me
And playing me
Like an instrument,
A toy.

I am a cello
Here to say what I want
How I want.
Though my strings need occasional tuning,
I decide how they sound
And when they sound.
Although I am sometimes used by others
For their gain
I am always in control of my expression.
Jun 2012 · 5.7k
An Eating Disorder Defined
Lawren Jun 2012
An imaginary but desirable sense of control
Created by the bully in my head
Screaming at me, pressuring me, hurting me
Encapsulating my mind as a second meninges.
Impossible to separate my true thoughts
From what it tells me,
My conscious mind is tied to a cinder block
And left to drown in its enticingly rough waves.

My physical being constantly changing with the tide
Unpredictable but regular,
Shallow but deep.
****** into its infinite black hole,
I am left feeling disgusted and ashamed
Of all that is me.

No longer am I able to decide the way in which
My needs are met-if in fact they are met.
As though I have DID, I am constantly bouncing
From alter to alter
Body to body.

Blinded from looking directly into its sun,
I am warmed and comforted by its rays
While reassured that my doubts are unwarranted.
If ever defied, it scolds and whips me,
Like a master to his slave,
A father to his child.

The welts and cuts, gratefully rip into my
Skin, muscle and bone –
Punishment for my wrongdoings and self.
I, immediately silenced
Remove myself from society,
Restricting contact, nourishment and emotions
To nil.

It is not until someone notices
The beginnings of an eternal invisibility,
That I am released and
Able to breathe in
The salty air of life.
Jun 2012 · 629
Outside My Body
Lawren Jun 2012
My mind is a vortex,
Swirling whirlpool of
Voices and images,
Movies and words.

At times it is calm,
Like the sea before a tsunami,
Eerily still, anoxic.

The pop of a rubber band,
The slice of a blade,
Removes me from myself
And at once I am pensive

My thoughts –erased,
My eyes search from emotion
In a brick wall
My mind –transformed to its twin:
Organized, compartmentalized
Sturdy,
But easily crumbled
By the trembling of the earth.
Jun 2012 · 723
The Longing
Lawren Jun 2012
The future is a calm, mysterious sunset
Inside a dank refrigerator.
Curious, afraid of the dark
We long for love.
Our fear creates passion, hope, stress
Imperfect emotions bring the strength
To care and feel for that which we
Need permission.
But with grief comes love
And the intelligence to fail.
Reject aloneness in pursuit of
Self-kindness.
Jun 2012 · 720
Inner Being
Lawren Jun 2012
Sound flows piercingly through the air.
A wave of warmth slaps across my face,
And douses my clothes as it moves
Down
My body.

The harmonies and atonalities
Cause my heart to
Flutter
With arrhythmia.

As the bow continues,
My calm is slowly replaced
By fiery passion;
Hot,
From the slapping of the waves.

I am soaring,
I am free.
Watch me.
Listen as I express
My inner voice.
Dec 2011 · 1.3k
Lost
Lawren Dec 2011
I feel lost
the holes in my memory
are too numerous to count.
I become a green-eyed monster
when friends brag about vacation & trips
even though I have taken more trips
to superior locations.
I do not remember.

The minuscule fragments of
my childhood paint a depressing picture.
Abandonments, death after death after death,
Homelessness, loneliness, imperfectness.
My memories have collectively signed a DNR.
They are unrecoverable.
Lost forever in the holes my mind created
to prevent insanity.
Dec 2011 · 1.2k
Green Stripes
Lawren Dec 2011
Green stripes against
The watered down red wine carpet
Almost like Christmas in August
Sauf the creepy fat man
Entering your house
Via the chimney.

The blue lines dictate where the letters begin,
And end.

The ticking clock reminds the brain
Of life, time passing.

Light seeps into the room from
The over illuminated hallway,
Fluorescent lights clarifying every dimple,
Freckle, pimple and scar.

The hallways silent with sleeping children
dreaming of fame, wealth and popularity.
The whirling of the AC separates the cool inside
from the sweltering heat
the setting sun left with the night.

The darkness brings no relief.

Vessels against the carpeted cement floor
resonating like a sound wave
through the whole body.
Pulsing from fingers to toes
in time with the metronome of the heart.

Each of the senses heightened
with the lack of sleep.
Joints swollen, pained from the strain of living
Life.

Every day is a new movement
In the symphony of life.
Every moment a new note is written
on another page
in the never ending book.

The soul swirling with emotion
Dizzies the eyes to reality—
Blurring, mixing

What is seen
What is imagined.

Blank stares at a blank wall
cause an eruption of creativity
Leading to hand cramps
And writing circles on the floor.

My mind, finally at peace,
At last able to leak some creativity
Onto an empty page.

Filling it with the emotion of
Black ink against a white sheet of
Lined paper.
Nov 2011 · 970
Perfection
Lawren Nov 2011
She suffers from bouts of amenorrhea,
She masticates as often as the day is black,
You, her associates, claim to have no idea,
The young ossein—aged with many a crack.

The chassis appears, to you, to be gaunt,
No fervor for coitus intimates strangeness,
Her color looks like she is inclined to haunt,
Her apparel— ill-fitting, not made to impress.

When will you void your lack of knowledge?
She needs someone to come to her aid,
Take her hand and lead her from the edge,
Instead of averting, trying to evade.

Go and lead her in the right direction,
And help desist her craving for perfection.
Nov 2011 · 1.1k
Condiment
Lawren Nov 2011
I am mustard
sometimes spicy
sometimes sweet
attached at the heart
and limbs
to my other half
when not alone.

At first glance
I appear monotone
but with more of me
you experience a mixture of my
browns and oranges and yellows
previously believed non-existent.

I am ketchup
emotions dipped and pulled out of me
like fingers;
my dark red self sometimes
hidden behind brighter colors
meant to attract.

As a condiment
I am always there
available for your use
as a compliment or enrichment
but never a main dish.

Sometimes I am squeezed
from my small plastic comforts
thereby forcing me into the unknown
to which I respond as
nothing but a watery blob.
Nov 2011 · 1.6k
Independence
Lawren Nov 2011
Our bodies
Together
Attached at the spine
Inoperable
Our supplies are but one

Ourselves
Separate
Opposite
But, our supplies are but one

We want
Togetherness
But apart

We want
Two different
But equal halves
Of a whole
Separate but equal

Independence
What we want
Dependence
What we have

What we want is
In
What we have.
Nov 2011 · 716
Ready
Lawren Nov 2011
Wrapped around myself
Squeezed tightly inside my
Amniotic sac of problems

My ankles-- pressed deeply
Into the backs of my thighs

My shoulders-- crammed together

My eyes-- dark and cloudy mirrors
Of their surroundings

No air to breathe
No space to move
Save me from this cell

I need the light

My eyes are going blind!

I need the air

My lungs are collapsing!

I need to be free.
I am ready.
Nov 2011 · 457
Me
Lawren Nov 2011
Me
Free
From the army of my needs
The wholeness of my being is
Alone.

No longer tied down
Strapped
Against the mirror
But free to be
The most genuine me.

Expressing,
Identifying,
Through the bow
Pressed against the strings

Through the laugh
Erupting from my heart
Caught
Like a contagious virus
From a child.
I am me. And me is I.
And that is all that we can be.
Nov 2011 · 622
Undone
Lawren Nov 2011
I float and watch helplessly
as I tap the umbilical cord
into motion around my neck;
cutting off my air,
blinding my eyes to reality.

Passive death by my own hand.

I am left to bounce around
my dank surroundings blind and foodless
until someone cuts me out.

It is not until I am saved from myself
that the cord is severed,
the knot untied.

It is not until I am saved from myself,
cut from my dark environment,
the knot unraveled,
that I realize
my small tap has not
my life undone.
Nov 2011 · 766
The Calm
Lawren Nov 2011
Tossed, like cars,
By the winds of my hurricane
Are the little pieces of me.
Moving from here to there
To here to there,
I am scouring for it.
From deep inside my eye,
I long for it.
Crave it.
Envious of the calm waters,
I make them turbulent.
At times a stillness emerges from within.
Though eerie, anemic.
Without destruction there is no dispersion.
Nov 2011 · 539
Blank
Lawren Nov 2011
Blank stare
into blank space
I see nothing
but everything.

As my mind wanders
the dark corners of the room,
my ears pic up the
distant conversation
of the couple beside me.

I am lost inside my head.

Spinning quickly
on an axis slightly below five degrees.

Tied behind the white straight jacket
of my skull,
rest my thoughts,
fighting to be free
yet potentially dangerous to themselves and others.
Nov 2011 · 781
Knots
Lawren Nov 2011
Tied like strings
Across the shoes of time,
Are the vocal chords of my soul.

Distress travels from my tired heart
To my lips,
Pinned open,
Through which silent screams erupt.

Ravenous for compassion and love,
I deprive myself of food and contact.

I am alone,
Save the company of my physical being.

My body speaks
But I cannot

For if I do,
Not only will the knots come undone
But as will I.

— The End —