Isang araw, muntik na naman akong nagpakatanga. Isang araw, naisip na naman kita. Isang araw **** ginulo ang isip ko. Isang araw, binalik-balikan ko ang masasakit na alaala mo dahil isang araw, biglang iniwan mo ako.

Iniwan mo ako… at mula noon ilang araw akong wala sa sarili. Ilang araw iniisip ang mga dahilan kung bakit ka umalis. At kung bakit hindi ako ang iyong pinili. Ilang araw na akong nagbakasakali na maiisip **** ako na lang. Ilang araw na patuloy na umaasa sa pangakong babalik ka… “Babalik ako, bigyan mo ako ng isang linggo.” Ilang araw pa at naghintay ako, naghintay ako kahit alam ko na kung sino ang pinili mo.

Isang tanong na patuloy na gumugulo sa aking isipan. Isang tanong na hindi masagot nino man. Isang tanong na hindi ko makalimutan. Isang tanong na wala naman talagang kasagutan. Isang tanong, “Mahal, bakit mo ako iniwan?”

Hindi nga lang iniwan kundi iyo naring kinalimutan. Kinalimutan agad na parang walang pinagsamahan. Puta isang buwan, ganyan, isang buwan nga lang naman. Marahil naging mabilis nga ang mga pangyayari pero ipapaalala ko lang sa’yo ikaw – ikaw ang naunang nagbukas ng pinto. Ikaw ang naunang nagsabi ng “Mahal, bakit di natin subukan?” At sumubok ako. Lumaban tayo.  Ngunit pagkatapos ng lahat ay ano? Wala, wala nga palang tayo.

Alam mo, ito na marahil ang pinaka-tangang nagawa ko sa buhay ko. Sa sobrang ganda at saya kasi parang pwede nang isulat bilang isang nobela, baka nga bumenta pa sa Wattpad eh at ititulo ko “Tinidor” o kaya “Alexa”? Haha.

Pero sa sobrang sakit din parang pang-soap opera. Kaya bakit ganun? Bakit parang ako lang ang nasaktan? Bakit parang ako lang ang nasasaktan? Bakit parang ako lang ang nahihirapan? Bakit parang ako lang nagmahal? Bakit ako lang? Bakit? Ah alam ko na… kasi hindi ako ikaw.

Hindi ako ikaw, ikaw na naging pipi sa pagsigaw na ako ang mahal mo. Ikaw na naging bulag sa pagtingin sa kung sino ang nandito. Ikaw na naging bingi sa mga salita niyang “hindi kita gusto!” Ikaw na pilit umiwas sa maliliit na eskinitang daan papunta sa puso ko. Ikaw na naging duwag sa pagtangkang sumabay sa daloy ng ilog na magdadala sa atin sa bukas.

Hindi ako ikaw. Ikaw na nagdulot lamang ng bagyo sa aking mga mata. Ikaw na nagdala ng lindol at bumulabog sa mundo ko. Nagdala ka lang ng buhawi ng hangin na paikot-ikot lang at kahit sinisira mo ang lahat, nahihigop mo pa rin ako.

Ikaw. Ikaw pa rin ang bumitaw. Ikaw pa rin ang bibitaw. Sa kabila ng lahat ng kasawiang dinala mo sakin. Oo. Ako na yung tangang nagmahal pa rin sa’yo.

Ako na ang mabibingi at sa kalaunan ay magiging pipi, sa pagsigaw na mahal kita. Ako ang magiging bulag sa pagtingin sa iba dahil sa’yo lang mahal, sa’yo lang ako susubaybay. Oo, ako. Ako naman ang magiging bingi sa mga salitang minsan mo na  din sinabi sa akin, “hindi ikaw ang gusto ko!” At ngayon alam kong, hinding-hindi yun magiging ako. Ako ang sisiksik sa maliliit na eskinitang daan sa puso mo. Ako na ang lalangoy at sasabay sa daloy ng ilog maging sa hampas ng alon kahit wala ka na sa bukas na kahahantungan ko. Oo, ako.

Ako na ang nagpakamartir na harapin ang matitindi **** hangin. Ako na ang trainer wheels sa iyong bike. Ako na ang band-aid sa bawat sugat na iniwan ni Alexa, mga halik sa sugat na magpapatigil sa dugo. Ako na ang unan **** sa gabi mo lang nakikita, sinasandalan tuwing pagod, may problema, mahihigpit na yakap tuwing luha’y di tumitigil.  Ako na yung huling stick sa pakete mo ng sigarilyo, inosente’t di ka sasaktan, pero iba pa rin ang pinili mo.

Masyado nang mahaba ito, kaya tutuldukan ko na. Kasabay ng pagtutuldok sa masasaya at mapapait **** ala-ala. Kasi ngayon ako naman ang napagod na maghintay. Ngayon puso ko na naman ang unti-unting namamatay.  Pero hindi ko ito hahayaan kasi mali eh, sabi nga ni Trixie, “nasaktan mo lang ako, pero hindi mo ako napatay.”

Hindi ako ikaw, ikaw na tanga kasi pinakawalan mo ako. Mayabang man kung maririnig nila pero oo gago, ang laki **** tanga dahil iniwan mo ako. ‘Wag kang hangal kung sasabihin **** hindi siya ang pinili mo kundi ang sarili mo dahil alam natin pareho at sa kanya ka pa din babalik. Ito lang ang masasabi ko sa’yo. Minsan subukan **** maging “ako.” Para alam mo kung gaano kasakit. ‘Wag kang mabuhay sa parang. Sa parang sa’yo, pero hindi. Parang kayo, pero hindi. Parang mahal ka, tanga hindi.

I don’t
doesn’t mean
I wouldn’t;

and

I can
doesn’t mean
I would.

Just like saying

I don’t
love you,
because I still would,

and

I can
unlove you
is
I would.

I don’t believe
the strong people
are the independent
ones.

For me,
the courage
to admit
that you
need people
inyour life
is
real strength.

You can't
just come
into my life
and be sweet
and act
like everything is
just normal.
Then leave
and come back
and unexpectedly.

Whenever you wanted to.

He was looking
I stopped caring.

**** your ideas
twice over *****.

I saw you tapping moon for moonshine
And sipping straws straight from the sun
Tell me little star, if I was just dreaming
A far fetched familiar *smile

You can't
love
someone
just because
you need them.

Never mislead
the idea
of love
with your
selfishness.

You wait for it
but it never comes.
Sometimes,
you feel like stopping,
you feel like giving up.
But how can you do that
when it’s the only thing
you've been wanting
all these years?

Tengo un corazón sediento.
And I want to get drunk.

You have
to accept the fact
that sometimes
people you love
don’t love you
back.

Jen, stop being so clingy.
People will leave eventually.

'Kilig (Tagalog) – Kilig is similar to forelsket (Norwegian)…it’s the “weak in the knees, spontaneous blushing and quickening pulse, butterflies in the stomach” sensation you get when you see the person you’re in love with.' (c) Thought Catalog

She is the divinity;
     of her own supreme world.
     The translucent spot,
     on a porcelain that is old.

She is the aftermath.
     that followed a long day.
     The upshot of everything;
     gone along the way.

She above anyone;
     is the reason why I write.
     Tonight at this lonely;
     only helped by the moonlight.

She is the hope;
     of every heart that has ever loved.
     Brings fate to every end;
     the cause to what someone might have.

She who waits;
     patiently for her own Apollo.
     Will do whatever it takes;
     and meet him with her bow.

She who moves the nephelae;
     to every cover and pall.
     The ominous to my reality;
     was her blear and SHE.

Tonight I can write the thoughts I have for you.
So that someday when you read this, you'll think of me too.

I will write until the last moment.
For you have given me a life that is treasuring to spent.

You made me feel like I was in heaven.
You now have me seeking for a safe haven.

I hate the way you treated me.
I hate exactly what you did to me.

When you laughed at what I asked.
When you weren't there when I passed.

Tonight I can write the most bitter of them all.
For this will be the mark that for you, I hardly fall.

I will write for I can still recall the memories.
The memories we had full of joy and bliss.

Those moments where you are still with me.
That moment where in your side is the safe place to be.

I will write for I had been hurt with the things you've said.
Those thoughts of you made my heart break 'til it bled.

Tonight I can write for I can't get over you.
Because it would be the hardest thing I cannot do.

All the songs we used to sing,
I now sing alone.

Since you left,
a lot has changed,
and now I’m on my own.

I’m grateful for the times we shared,
but now I say goodbye.

My love,
we need to move on now,
our forever was a lie.

Today I am an adventurer
I've traveled the ends of the earth.
Played with the waves of Poseidon
rolled and swam on.

I love how your name
is close to what I hear
continuously talked about
the first word I wrote here.

jey. **

How do I start
to tell people?
That you are
my favorite pitfall.

You've put me
into this battlefield,
without me
knowing all its hazards.

By-and-by
it's your presence,
that I cannot contain
this growing imminence.

I saw this coming
and I got immune to the pain
fell deeply in love
as your light slowly fades away.

You challenge me
you play very well,
used every card
even my pride in peril.

Left alone with the hope
you'll start to see,
all the menace that abrupts
everything will lead to me.

If this is too much
to ask of you,
spare me no trouble
for I am afraid too.

Fck readiness
fck life,
for you I'd wait
even until the great divide.

Great distress
and jeopardy,
whatever happens
you know you'll have me.

Cold as ice
you pull away,
assiduously
I will travail.

You are the threat
I will always salute,
the danger
I'd fiercely hang on to.

All the risks you try
to put me through,
I'd be gratified
to fight for that single fcking chance to have you.

It's
A
Disaster
You
And
Me.

I found my five-ever
with someone who cannot stay longer.

Yea maybe
he's not
that into
me.

Half the time
I know
you're not
listening.

Half the time
I know
you don't
care.

But even when
my heart
was
aching.

Do know
I'll always
be right
here.

If it
could be
like this
everyday.

If we
could be
like this
everyday.

I laughed
out my
**** 'cos
there was
never a 'we'.

‘Tis such beauty
to see,
the sun as
it touches
the horizon’z curve.

‘Tis a blessing
to see,
the sun set
as it gives me
a joyful lassitude.

- Jey.

**** feelings.
But not this
I have for you.

Ella le dijo que la belleza es sin saber como ve.
- Jey.

She is the divinity;
     of her own supreme world.
     The translucent spot,
     on a porcelain that is old.

She is the aftermath.
     that followed a long day.
     The upshot of everything;
     gone along the way.

She above anyone;
     is the reason why I write.
     Tonight at this lonely;
     only helped by the moonlight.

She is the hope;
     of every heart that has ever loved.
     Brings fate to every end;
     the cause to what someone might have.

She who waits;
     patiently for her own Apollo.
     Will do whatever it takes;
     and meet him with her bow.

She who moves the nephelae;
     to every cover and pall.
     The ominous to my reality;
     was her blear and SHE.

Just when you said you like me;
  the dark sky that's covering my afternoon
  did the clouds deform and spread
  and the luminous sun appeared.

I love you
I don't know
why
but I do

If you are
to ask me
what I saw
in you

I'd say
nothing
other than our
future.

I love you
I think now
I know why
and I'd always do.

One
day is when
"it" started.

Two
weeks "this"
has
lasted.

Three
words, were
never said.

Forgiveness,
I can't
comprehend.

His edges will never complement yours.

I needed someone who would love me more than he loved himself.

I dreamt of you
last night
Not sure tho if
I miss you, I might

I have never
written anything
It's been months
since my last thinking

Maybe it was
the sign I was waiting
The inspiration
I've been wanting

If it was only in dreams
That I thought I am missing you
I might always dream of you
'cos it says what's in my heart too.

I am –
in no sense,
in the lurch.

Waiting –
wanting and ranting,
Nowhere, I can go.

Shortly giving up
my heart can do
no more.

These words
they do not matter.
For solace I cannot
sought.

Out of tune,
out of love.
Show me,
what’s left to hold on.

In this “something”,
Only I am
fighting for.

I will not write about you,
not tonight
nor tomorrow.

I am tired of running after,
either you
or the future.

Tonight marks the end of us,
the moon and stars
they will witness.

Tears and heart creases,
to every piece
of your every lie.

I’ve had enough of your follies,
deceiving looks
and your selfishness.

I will not write about you,
not today
not ever.

Love will ****** you and love ***** on you.