Caitlyn Dee Jul 17

why is it
that i feel like crumbling
in a room full of people?
why is it
that i don't see anyone's eyes
flicker like a supernova
when they see me?
why is it that i can build people up
so they can see the sky
go on for miles on end,
but i tear myself down
until i am inside the earth
feeling its breaths in sync
with my own?
i want to feel as bright
and as big as the sun
but i keep caving in on myself
i'm so tired
of looking at myself
and seeing nothing
but sadness buried in my bones
i want existing to stop feeling so heavy
i want to feel alive again
without wondering what the catch is
why is that
so much to ask?

Caitlyn Dee Jul 17

i could live without you,
but that is something that would be hard to achieve
as if i wanted to succeed in something like forgetting about you
because you run laps around my head,
to the point where my brain has to stop you
just so your legs don't give out

i always told myself to not allow another human to become my happiness
but you make my heart so bright
kind of like i swallowed yellow paint,
but without all the toxic side effects

i was in a rut for awhile
but your touch made all the good come back to me
like it never left
and i felt okay on my own
but you made my okay burst into a thousand great's

and that's more than enough
you are more than enough

Caitlyn Dee Nov 2016

for all the times
you threw me out,
i think i've finally landed
on my own two feet
my ankle could be sprained though
and i think my knees are bruised
from begging you so many damn times to just
stay

too many times did i dry your tears with my own
only to be backhanded with an abundance of silence and indifference

i made you a mountain out of all i could pour out to you,
and yet you never bothered to climb it to see the beautiful sunrise up there waiting for you
because you made me feel like a new day

but now the sun is setting
and your face is silhouetted by the shadows
there's no moon tonight;
only the stars that watched us
come together
and fall a p a r t

and for all the times
you let me break,
i think i've finally put myself back together
my hands are shaky though
and i think they're deeply cut
but maybe you'll look at them
and you'll see the damage
you inflicted on my heart

at least i'm not crumpled up on the floor anymore

Caitlyn Dee Nov 2016

when it rains diamonds on jupiter,
i can see you smiling from a million miles away
the stars seem to be aligned,
and i think those might be the diamonds we always talked about;
the ones in your eyes,
twinkling like those that rain on saturn
you are born from the universe and the planets themselves
and one day,
i hope you return home to it all
only then will you know that you are far more significant than the simply complex body you were given for your soul to temporarily inhabit
because when it rains diamonds,
the skies are crying for you

Caitlyn Dee Nov 2016

there are things i wish i couldn't see;
like my mother crying until she's empty and left staring at the wall
or an animal lying by the side of the road, its life draining as steadily as the cars that pass by

and there are things i wish i couldn't hear;
the sound of my bones breaking,
trying to climb this mountain of attempting to be okay
only to tumble back down
or the deafening silence after asking a question you know the answer to,
but just wasn't prepared for

there are things i wish i couldn't sense

but i saw you
and i remembered all the things i wanted to see;
the type of sunset filled with oranges and yellows and blues and pinks and purples
the type that makes you feel like you're the only one witnessing it
or someone reaching the top of their mountain
knowing that things can only get better from here

and i heard you
and i remembered all the things i wanted to hear;
the sound of rain washing across my roof like white noise
or listening to a song for the first time and suddenly knowing it's my favorite

but you?

the moment i touched you,
i knew you were everything i heard and saw all wrapped up into one

a beautiful mind

Caitlyn Dee Nov 2016

just once i want to be able to be comfortable with the fact that it happened. i saw stars in your eyes and all i wanted was for galaxies to form between us. but those stars exploded into a million supernovas that burned so bright so quickly and have since burnt out into nothing, and the galaxies have all caved in on one another. i'm so uncomfortable with the sudden darkness and i want to be okay with starting over. i want to see stars in my own eyes. i want to feel them within me. and i want to burn bright on my own. just once.

Caitlyn Dee Nov 2016

my eyes are so heavy. i thought i saw light, but there was so much darkness and i was choking on dirt and there were weeds in my lungs and i couldn't breathe. i clawed at my throat and i could hear someone screaming. i thought it was me, until i looked up with hazy vision and realized it was you, yelling that you never loved me. but it turned into a dull whisper. and so i felt myself falling back under.

is this what a bruised heart feels like?
or is my head pounding so hard and my chest tried to take the beating?

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