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Elle Oct 2019
there is a person inside of me
and i think i might be that person
like a set of matryoshka dolls
closed in over the others
growing from the inside outward
encasing around already existing layers

there is a person inside of me
many people, to be accurate
and i am afraid i am one of them.

how much longer till the matryoshka doll unravels
and all the people i have been
fall out and hit the floor?
how long until the smiling case
cracks up
not in laughter or in tears
but silently from the inside out

there is a person inside of me
too many to keep track of
each one interchangeable with the next
and i am starting to lose track
of who is for who
(Peach schnapps in plastic cups
I trust you've got nothing but good intentions)
Elle Sep 2019
let me have my anger
it feels like the one thing that
comes and goes
but stays anymore

i feel like sleeping too often
these days
and nothing much else

first world problems the
voice inside my head says
stop mocking me i want to
scream and cry but i

don't because it's right and i'm
being dumb and i should

i feel like my anger is burning
out of my body
from inside outwards
until i fall over
and crumple into
ash to be swept away
by a calm breeze and

finally be lost of the tension
in my muscles that
never truly relaxes

the pressure that
makes my jaw ache

and the stiffness
in all 206 of my bones

i feel so angry
and i want you to hug me
and tell me that you hear
my anger and that
you understand that there
is no way to listen because

i know i'm not
speaking anything that
makes sense to anyone
that's not myself

and i want you to
know this without me
having to tell you.
Sep 2019 · 154
the truth, ungarnished
Elle Sep 2019
i crave your silken skin
like silk itself

smooth and gentle
to the touch

your gooey choc chip
centre of cookie

that a part of me

(a whole lot of me)

wants nothing
more to devour.

i want your blowdried
half burnt - half curled hair
admire it
run my fingers across it

(a photo does it no justice)
i really want a homemade cookie.
Sep 2019 · 160
lightbulb stomach
Elle Sep 2019
i feel a strangeness set into me
like gelatine, liquified and shaking
you have the softest looking hair
and sometimes i want to comb
my fingers through it and never stop

that would be weird though.
let's not do that.

i feel a lightbulb make it's way down to my stomach
i've swallowed something sharp and bright-
maybe it was the leftover pieces of the smile
you gave me yesterday.
friends don't lie to friends. the truth is, i want to be the bestest of best friends with you.
Elle Sep 2019
do i love you
or do i want to be you?

your smile is
the crack in the sky
i want to slip my fingers through it
till my whole hand is inside

(please don't choke)

your hands are slender
fingers too short but still long
i want to hold them
bend them at an angle
all the way until you cry

(please don't break)

your face is perfect
not conventional
yet not unattractive
but there's a black hole
in my head every time
i want to love it

(please don't leave)

it ***** in all my feelings
replaces them with this
all platonic friendship
no hetero
am i right?

your collarbone is showing
in the shirt that you're wearing
want to trace it with my fingers
no pain
just this moment

(please don't)

i think i love in
the way i love myself
too much sometimes
burnt to a husk
the minute next

hate you with a passion
for making me
want to love somebody
in the way i want to
love you
the next time you say i love you i will scream externally and slowly die. please don't do that again. i don't think i have enough storage, and i don't want an upgrade.
Elle Sep 2019
i know you wanted diamonds
(maybe even gold)

but things aren't like that
and i'm not always in control

spent  the morning staring at the ceiling
things are different
it's on inside my head

i know you wanted
diamonds unto gold

but things aren't perfect
and you got the broken mold

do you feel the weight dripping
down across my skin

you throw me into the fire
pretend that it's a kiln?

but ill formed creatures
only crack and break

the glaze you wanted
to gild the golden lily
things are kind of complicated now mom. it's not your fault, it never has been.
Elle Sep 2019
i said i wanted love
your love, their love,
his love, her love,
but you never texted me back

until one day you replied
'what about your own love?'

i couldn't respond
so i blocked you

i said i wanted love
your love, their love
his love, her love,
but i never texted you back

love me back
for me, for you
(because i can't do it myself)
i'm staring at a list of self care suggestions that i printed off tumblr a few months ago, during a bad breakdown, and none of it seems to be computing. what do you normally do for self care?
Sep 2019 · 85
screw that guy
Elle Sep 2019
it turns out that we both liked
(at different times, at least)
and that we were both dumber
in that different time

stupid enough to fall for a
smile with no substance
and flat out manipulation
when it came to you

***** that guy, i say maybe
too viciously but it's true

no! you reply, and it takes a second

he can go ***** himself then, i correct.
i always thought you were too good for him

you smile
i love you too,

but anyway, i say
when we are walking closer to the door
the entire male species is dumb
(it's a generalisation,
but after everything that's just happened
it feels comforting, a balm)
and sometimes i don't understand
why i'm even a bisexual with how

low rate? you suggest

low rate, i second,
our fellow **** sapiens are

mood, you say
sometimes solidarity is supporting each other, and sometimes solidarity is trash talking to the guy you both liked. both mean the same thing anyway.

— The End —