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Elle Oct 3
there is a person inside of me
and i think i might be that person
like a set of matryoshka dolls
closed in over the others
growing from the inside outward
encasing around already existing layers

there is a person inside of me
many people, to be accurate
and i am afraid i am one of them.

how much longer till the matryoshka doll unravels
and all the people i have been
fall out and hit the floor?
how long until the smiling case
cracks up
not in laughter or in tears
but silently from the inside out

there is a person inside of me
too many to keep track of
each one interchangeable with the next
and i am starting to lose track
of who is for who
(Peach schnapps in plastic cups
I trust you've got nothing but good intentions)
Elle Sep 25
let me have my anger
it feels like the one thing that
comes and goes
but stays anymore

i feel like sleeping too often
these days
and nothing much else

first world problems the
voice inside my head says
stop mocking me i want to
scream and cry but i

don't because it's right and i'm
being dumb and i should
just
stop

i feel like my anger is burning
out of my body
from inside outwards
until i fall over
and crumple into
ash to be swept away
by a calm breeze and

finally be lost of the tension
in my muscles that
never truly relaxes

the pressure that
makes my jaw ache

and the stiffness
in all 206 of my bones

i feel so angry
and i want you to hug me
and tell me that you hear
my anger and that
you understand that there
is no way to listen because

i know i'm not
speaking anything that
makes sense to anyone
that's not myself

and i want you to
know this without me
having to tell you.
Elle Sep 23
i crave your silken skin
like silk itself

smooth and gentle
to the touch

your gooey choc chip
centre of cookie
smile

that a part of me

(a whole lot of me)

wants nothing
more to devour.

i want your blowdried
half burnt - half curled hair
admire it
run my fingers across it

(a photo does it no justice)
i really want a homemade cookie.
Elle Sep 23
i feel a strangeness set into me
like gelatine, liquified and shaking
you have the softest looking hair
and sometimes i want to comb
my fingers through it and never stop

that would be weird though.
let's not do that.

i feel a lightbulb make it's way down to my stomach
i've swallowed something sharp and bright-
maybe it was the leftover pieces of the smile
you gave me yesterday.
friends don't lie to friends. the truth is, i want to be the bestest of best friends with you.
  Sep 19 Elle
astraea
now, i am so tired.
the sun’s rays have stretched and became the evening,
as today ends.

and, oh, today, i’ve done so many things.
today, when the day began, when it was night,
i fell in love and confessed. and then you answered.

today, i was hopeful. today, we are hopeful.
but as the shadows come out,
i feel tired.

i feel this longing,
to crawl into bed,
this longing to absorbed beneath the shadows.

and you’d come, if you wanted.
wherever you wanted,
that’d be fine.

today we became something,
and as this day ends,
i wonder what we’ll be tomorrow.

but against all odds,
against this world.
i think we’ll be something.

and i sleep with that knowledge,
tucked into my heart,
a note against my chest.

long time no see,
sweetheart.
i’m not sure if i’ll say that to your face.

this day, i’ve been elated and terrified,
then hopeful, and wondering, and odd,
now tired but weary but happy. sure.

how will we ever go home again?
me and you, we’re doing things they’d think us crazy for,
things i think myself crazy for.

but i have no regrets about you.
i’m glad you know,
and i’m going crazy.
Elle Sep 19
do i love you
or do i want to be you?

your smile is
the crack in the sky
i want to slip my fingers through it
till my whole hand is inside

(please don't choke)

your hands are slender
fingers too short but still long
i want to hold them
bend them at an angle
all the way until you cry

(please don't break)

your face is perfect
not conventional
yet not unattractive
but there's a black hole
in my head every time
i want to love it

(please don't leave)

it ***** in all my feelings
replaces them with this
it's
all platonic friendship
no hetero
am i right?

your collarbone is showing
in the shirt that you're wearing
i
want to trace it with my fingers
no pain
just this moment

(please don't)

i think i love in
the way i love myself
too much sometimes
burnt to a husk
the minute next

i
hate you with a passion
for making me
want to love somebody
in the way i want to
love you
too
the next time you say i love you i will scream externally and slowly die. please don't do that again. i don't think i have enough storage, and i don't want an upgrade.
Elle Sep 19
i know you wanted diamonds
(maybe even gold)

but things aren't like that
and i'm not always in control

spent  the morning staring at the ceiling
things are different
and
it's on inside my head

i know you wanted
diamonds unto gold

but things aren't perfect
and you got the broken mold

do you feel the weight dripping
down across my skin

will
you throw me into the fire
pretend that it's a kiln?

but ill formed creatures
only crack and break

not
the glaze you wanted
to gild the golden lily
things are kind of complicated now mom. it's not your fault, it never has been.
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