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  Sep 25 Carmen Mendez
I wish you could see what you’ve become,
and the damage you’ve left behind.
I wish you could see the pain that you’ve caused
and the conflict you created.
I wish you knew the pain that I felt
the moment you said goodbye, a second time.
But I’ll be sure this time, and I promise
that there won’t be a third time.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
A third time won’t ever happen,
because I know for a fact you never loved me.
A snake with blue eyes and a twisted soul.
A miserable heart, and soon everyone with know.
I trusted you with my world and you shut it down.
But one day you’ll think of me,
when no one else is around.
Carmen Mendez Sep 25
It's been 7 long years.
And I've changed so much since then.
But I hate them; all these rotten secrets I hoard to myself.
Things so filthy i don't even know how i live with myself.
Every single last one of them, I swallowed and loathed the taste it left me with.
But I had to.
When I see thier sweet innocent faces at night.
When I see them go to school.
When I hear how proud they are to show me all thier honor roll diplomas..
I don't have the heart to just run like I want to every time I come back.
The chance to escape is always present.  
Sure the guilt consumes me. The selfish part of me that just wants to be free so badly..

But for the love of them..* eyeroll *
I'm a sucker.
I had a plan-- still do.
But these festering lies. These horrible demons that torment me at night.
" tell them how you lied to save your skin. How you looked at the judge in the eye. Tell them, ... " they whisper.
And now because of this lie.
We're all doomed.
Carmen Mendez Sep 25
She told a lie.
A secret so awful it turned into a lie.
She also swore to protect a solemn promise.
Meant to last an eternity.
Yet here she was, staring back at the judge.
How she held her head up ; she knows not.
Lie to protect?
Or to tell the truth and loose...
This isn't what she invisioned her integrity would be tested as.
Heavy heart. Dry mouth. Shakey hands.
And a heart screaming louder than all of the unheard ones she drowned deep down inside.
This is it. For too long has she stayed strong.
Is it right? Is it wrong?
No time for that now. Your safety and theirs both stand on the line.
Say it.
Carmen Mendez Dec 2018
You can't fight her with Fire; and neither can you with ice. She's both. Missiles and weapons she has to spare, swords and daggers all lined up.
She's Dangerous, beloved.
You made her that way.
Fear left a long time ago.
But that day, she couldn't raise her hand against You, it wasn't weakness, it was sorrow. So she laid all her artillery down, beloved. But the more she saw, the more she hated it. The truth stays the truth. And with that. Beloved. She couldn't anymore. Couldn't deal with all the bullroar.
All that talk " heart breaks hurt but the pain is greater when you watch them turn into a stranger"
So look at her eyes again, and lie to yourself again. You. Didn't. do anything....Wrong.
Bull. Fuking. Roar.
I should have shot you down when I had the chance.
Bull. Fu
king . Roar.
I had to get it off my chest. No use explaining. I'd have better luck talking with a brick wall. But not this time. I had to let em go.
Carmen Mendez Dec 2018
She's got that cold and calculated look in her eyes.
Its the very same ice in her heart ; it's killing her warm smile--
--now only a faint trail of smoke.

She knows. And she sees.
But all she hears , is the same Bull roar that tumbles out each time.
But this time--this time? --
--She has no time.

She's's got all her attention on the next intruder, laser sharp and ready
To strike.
They'll try to spear her down, and find, you can't make ice bleed.
You just can't.
Carmen Mendez Nov 2018
"It must be hard to be you ;" he said,
"Must be so exhausting and draining .
It makes me tired just hearing you."
There is is , ah yes. There it is.
But it does not stop there.
"You know suffering is an option."
Mm. Yes. Of course it is.
I sit there biting my tounge.
And pull back the angry tears.
Calm down the quickly rising breathing.  
All ..of those memories just flash through while they say just how wrong I am.
And I see..the open casket.
The endless masses of "feel better soon " roses...
The laughter and the smiles that existed before.  
The fights and the screaming after that casket  was lowered.  
The greif.  And sit there...whole I smile so **** sarcastically.  
"Its all optional ain't it,Sir? Well--Ain't that just the answer to my problems.  But not all of us can afford ignorance--Sir."
It is.
Hard-- I mean. To be holding my head up. With so many demons trying to drag those chains I now carry.
It is.
Exhausting --I mean.  To be the face of perfection.
        When theres people
                                who have never
                                            Fought as hard
                                                            ­   As I did.
Carmen Mendez Oct 2018
Longitude,  longitude help them find--
Latitude,  latitude guide the way..
15 degrees north, and 2017 miles that way...
Help this wanderer find that bridge gone down in flames.
Help them find that sound of a burdened greif..
Because she saw no one come until they saw opportunity.
And so she built walls where there shouldn't be.  
Higher and higher, thicker and thicker they became.
Until the sky itself was no longer visible.
Brick by brick, that fortress grew.
Tear by tear her vision blurred...
..and then ...
                ....  darkness...
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