I'm terrible at this!
But aren't we all?
How does one successful say goodbye to one of the biggest portions of their life?
Do we treat it as a ****** in our life story?
Or is it simply just a new chapter featuring a dingy blank page?
If so, how does one keep clicking away on the keys of their typewriter in hopes that it won't jam.
To build the strength and aspirations that one will not have to face the frustration and sorrow of restarting a page that was difficult to begin with.
Could this writing journey be boldly stated as an example underneath the definition for the grieving process.
Clearly stating and defining one's inability to keep moving forward, and one's refusal and disbelief to accept that a chapter in one's life is ending.
But truly, how does one simply try to move on from love, happiness, and laughter?
How does one extinguish the fire that is burning a ******* hole in their story?
What does one do to fill the void of a missing soul?
I guess I will just have to let you know as I navigate this uncharted storyline, but I am dreading the day I have to wave my final farewell.
One of the hardest days will be when I have to mournfully watch our pages softly close.
Closely followed by the weeks, months, and years that it takes for the once crisp white pages to turn crinkled and yellowed.
Just remember that I'll always love you lots and lots and lots, and that I'll always carry my beautifully bound book with all the lessons and stories that you told!
What if I told you horrifying information that may make you look at the world around you differently?
What if I told you something so gruesome that you become stuck inside your own head?
What if you become trapped inside this scene with me?
What if I told you that I am incapable of letting it go?
What if I told you that it haunts me when I sleep, and tortures me when I am awake?
What if I told you the event interrupted what appeared to be an average day?
What if I told you that it made me aware of the fact that I was naive to the world surrounding me?
What if I told you in that moment time froze still capturing every scream, siren, and emotion in slow motion that followed after?
What if I told you that my creative morbid mind has now formed an ever so permanent image inside my delicate head, which is based off the sickly sound of the subject's body slamming into the concrete pavement?
What if I could have been there sooner, what if I was in a closer location, what if I was more aware and would have seen the lost soul?
What if I could have talked them and what if I could have convinced them to back away from the ledge?
What if I could have attempted to catch them to lessen their fall?
What if I failed as a human, because I couldn't save them from what haunts myself?
I don't understand.
How can you be depressed?
But you are always so bubbly?
But you do so much?
I don't know.
I feel okay, just okay.
Truly, I am fine.
I remind myself that I have survived much worse.
But, how does one explain that they feel hollow inside?
How does one explain that they aren't exhausted from the lack of sleep but rather they are exhausted from having to pretend to be okay?
How does one explain that they are waiting for their inevitable doom, and they feel like they have reached a secret level in their life?
I want to feel normal.
But what is normal.
Normal is not numb.
And it sure isn't the doctors term "throw the kitchen sink at them."
I want to feel.
I want to remember.
But without entirely being consumed by my own darkness.
So, tell me what can I do to make you understand what I don't understand?
As I walk around the hospital, I hear chatter and laughter.
I am constantly surrounded by friendly faces and warm smiles.
I meet their warm smile with a cheerful hello, and I grace them with the twinkle hidden within my eyes.
But deep inside, I feel hollow.
I feel empty as if my soul contains nothing.
I feel like I am just a shell of a person taking up unwarranted space.
Every day I ask myself
Does my life have a purpose?
Do I make a difference?
Will anyone miss me if I am gone, or will they notice I'm not around?
As I come back from my recent travels, everything seems to be the same.
Not an item is out of place besides for me.
No one has noticed the empty desk for the last four days.
No one has noticed that there is a missing friendly face.
One does not realize how insignificant they are until they come back and realize that no one has noticed their absence.
Until one realizes that everyone failed to care.
To them, one is just another working body.
One is just another body filling another simple empty desk.
If you had to pick one sound to describe your childhood, what would you pick?
Would you pick the sound of laughter?
The sound of your mother singing?
Or maybe the sound of your father working?
If I had to pick one sound to describe my childhood, what would I pick?
I would pick the sound of glass breaking.
I would pick the sound of my mother screaming
Or maybe I would pick the sound of my body impacting against the floor.
If you had to pick one memory to describe your childhood, what would you pick?
Would you pick a birthday?
Maybe, a memorable game or trip?
Or, maybe, a holiday event or just a random vision that fully captures the beauty of your loved ones?
Tell me which one would you pick?
If I had to pick one memory from my childhood, what would I pick?
I would pick the memory of freedom.
I would pick the memory of the judge repeating the same few words that saved my life.
I would pick the excitement and the oh thank god hug from my grandma when we received the verdict.
I would pick the memory of new beginnings and the beginning of happiness.
We all come from different cities, towns, states, and places from a map.
We all come from different backgrounds and ethnicities.
We all come from different childhoods and memories.
But we must all come together regardless of our differences!
Why do I have a million feelings when I wish I could just feel one?
Why do I feel like I could soar across the sky, or float on top of the clouds one day, but then crumble down below the earth the next day?
What causes the bubbly feeling of laughter to be suddenly replaced with the grey storms of a heavy cry?
Why do I feel so sure of myself at times to then switch sides with the sudden urge to hide?
Why do I feel extraordinary most days, but plain at other times?
Why are people so hurtful with their words when I am so delicate with mine?
Why are others so quick to judge your cover before they dive into what is inside?
Why do life events happen before the blink of an eye?
Why does time feel so special that it cannot wait, and why does it insist on rushing by?
Out of all the events, emotions, actions, and words, why is there a million questions of why?
Days, weeks, months, and years go by.
Here, I remain by your side boldly bearing my heart out to you.
It bleeds out for you, hopefully reminding you that my love for you runs deep through my veins.
The substance consumes me entirely as it coats every surface inside of me.
Truly, it is an addiction I do not want to lose.
Your small smiles and gestures cause my heart to flutter.
But lately, there seems to be a falter in the rhythm.
The flutters and gallops seem to be less frequent as the infatuation levels emitted from you are dwindling thin.
The puzzling action confuses me and my well working machine.
Leaving me to profess my praises and reminders of how I love you so.
Somehow and someway, my worlds never seem to reach you.
It is as if I am throwing them into the darkness to never be found or heard from again.
But to my dismay, it seems your words are always able to reach me.
They twist and pull at my insides and never hesitate to cut the strings that are contained inside me.
You never seem to realize the grip that you have on my heart.
Your hands tightly squeeze the ***** as they lace their fingers around it.
The sharpness tears the delicate tissue leaving me with shreds.
Holes and mourning tissue are scattered around my once beautiful *****.
I am slowly dying inside, but I hide it well from you and the world that encloses me.
My emotions swirl around their asylum.
They brew forcefully together and threaten to overflow.
Leaving me with the realization that I am not as strong as I think.
But I keep my head held high and I clutch onto my hope that we will go back to what we once were.
As the moonlight illuminates the room, I lay here awake trying to remember you
But after ten years, the image has seemed to fade
Seemingly, there is nothing left for me to view
What color are your eyes, and are they anything like mine?
How do your lips curve, and are they ever adorn by a smile?
What is the simple shape of your face?
I ask myself these questions as I try to fill in the canvas that is blank.
I would not be able to tell you the sound of your voice.
I cannot mimic the pitch of your laugh.
Or explain to to others if you talk with your hands.
All your habits have been erased from my mind.
After ten years, I am left here to wonder why things are the way that they are.
I wonder why you never said a word of goodbye
I wonder if you would recognize me if you saw my face.
But mainly I wonder if you would speak up if you saw me passing by.
Quickly, my thoughts lead me to realize that if I do not remember you, how are you supposed to remember me?
How beautiful it would be, and meaningful to me to have you remember piece of me at all.
What truly haunts me at night is my own screams.
They swirl around my throat and make it hard to breathe.
Causing me to gasp and lose focus on my reality.
Delirious, I become trapped in a memory that will not leave me be.
Images form in my head by laying each slab of evidence down piece by piece.
Forcing me to relive every raw feeling and emotion that has occurred since the beginning.
But I sit here and wonder what things are like from your perspective.
What did my body feel like when you slammed me into the wall?
Did you care about me when you were inflicting my pain?
How much did you love me when you scattered inky blotches throughout my body's surface?
Maybe, I was in the wrong.
Maybe, I did bring it on to myself for putting you in that position.
Is that the reasoning that you used to justify why you forced yourself onto me?
At least that is the statement you used to growl at me when you silenced my screams.
Did you ever feel emotions when the viewing the tears stream from my empty eyes?
Did you ever feel pain from my nails clawing at your flesh?
Did you ever get tired of hitting me after I tried relentlessly to fight back?
Did you get satisfaction from my pain?
Do you think of me or the damage that you caused?
Do you ever regret the memories that you made churn around my mind?
I ask myself these questions after each replay of my memory.
Although it's been years, you still have control over a part of me.
My only hope is that you too are haunted by my screams.
We are here
We are exhausted, emotionally drained, and heartbroken from the events we have viewed today.
We are attempting to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.
We are here
We will hold your hand when you need a moment of support.
We will always lend an ear to listen to anything that might be troubling you.
We will be here when you need a shoulder to cry on.
We are here.
We will always motivate you to reach your goal.
We will be there to cheer you on, and celebrate your successes.
We will always tell you jokes, and share a laugh or two.
We are here
We will care for your family and support them through this time.
We will remind you and them that you are not alone.
We will be here every step of the way.
We are here.
When you are able to leave us, we will be here waving at you excitedly as you drive away.
We will think of you and your family often.
We are here.
We will be here caring for other patients just like you.
We will work long hours, so they are successful just like you.
We will be here fighting until the end.
Simple words cut through my heart with their syllables.
They pound in my chest with their dreadful meaning.
Causing fear and shock to trickle throughout my body
The chemicals bind together to make the world stand still around me.
Bodies of others seem to float in the enclosure surrounding me, but I do not register that they are there.
Thoughts race through my head, but like me, they do not reach a destination.
Static fills the air around me, and tortures my ears with it's ringing.
It swirls around my head with the voice of my news.
Both noises chant together to become louder and louder until I want to scream.
Reaching my breaking point, my body becomes numb.
Oxygen doesn't seem to reach my lungs.
Waves of suffocation wash over me.
Forcing me to fall to my knees.
Feeling helpless, I sit on the floor in a crumbled mess.
Waiting for the days to pass, and the better times to come.
As I lay here, I allow the water to wash over me.
It caresses my skin with its delicate touch, as it laps against my body.
I let it flow through my finger tips, as my thoughts pour out of me.
I plunge myself down inside of it's depths.
Hoping that it will wash away my misery.
Praying that it will bring some clarity to my eyes.
My hair floats around me.
I watch the thick locks swirl around the pool.
I can feel it's slick form wrap around my frame in it's serenity, as my strength bids me goodbye.
One by one my muscles loosen with slack.
They allow the substance engulf my form in a hug.
It's arms are cold and smooth, as they envelope around me.
Without hesitation, the substance drags me deeper into it's inky briny.
As we travel further into the depths, my throat burns with thirst.
I allow the chilled liquid in with hopes that it will relieve my discomfort.
Bubbles explode from my mouth like silent screams.
I trail them with my eyes, and watch them run to the surface.
As I sink to the bottom, I take one last look at the crystal surface above me.
For once, I feel at peace with the world.
This rocky surface is my home until I have to face reality.
Autumn fills the air with its intoxicating scent.
The leaves dripping in bold colors fall around my figure.
I watch them as they carelessly drop from the sky.
I find myself becoming hypnotized with every drift and turn that they take until I am lost in my own memory.
Tall thick trees surround us and create a fairy tale like world.
The brown leaves crunch beneath our feet, as we scanvange the hidden forest together.
Brightly colored frons sway in the wind, and kiss our skin as we wade through them hand in hand.
Your voice rings through the air as you coax me to move faster.
You tug me along by my hand in an attempt to keep your pace.
My tiny legs struggle to keep up with your giant strides as we embark on our adventure.
In this forest, we turn into noble heros.
Our swords destroy anything that halts our paths.
The dry moldy trees quiver and crumble with our swift kicks.
Even with our all fun, we never seem to stray too far from our mission.
My young eyes study you carefully during our battles.
I attempt to memorize your every move.
Determination soars through my body, as I try to be as strong and as bold as you.
Quickly, I find myself distracted by the happiness that takes over my senses.
I can feel the laughter that bubbles in my chest.
It begs to be released, as I study the subject in front of me.
Your shaggy blond hair flops back and forth with every movement you make.
Your firece green eyes are filled with amusement.
A rare smile replaces your famous smirk, and is adorn by your deep set dimples
In this moment, your hard shell has crumbled from it's fittings.
Your raw self is exposed for the whole world to see.
My younger self greedily captured this memory.
She holds it tightly, and carried it where ever she goes.
It helps her when she feels as if she cannot carry on, and gives her hope.
The little girl passed this memory onto me when I got to older.
She knew it would be hard to watch my best friend slowly slip away.
The boy that I once embarked on adventures with is now gone.
He chose to walk down the darken trail, and has seem to gotten lost along the way
While stuck inside a time warp, he traded his soul for fake spirits and false happiness
Now all that remains of the best friend I used to know is a cold and empty shell.
Each day, I find myself missing the lost boy from our adventures more and more.
My choice of poison permits the world to fade.
Every sense inside of my body becomes dull and faint.
My lungs struggle to draw in air.
Each breathe falls short causing my chest to heave.
I can feel the bitter substance hurl my empty frame off of life’s edge.
My limbs are worthless as the stale air whips through my core.
They flail back and forth in the breeze throwing my perception of time farther away with each movement.
I am left wondering if there will be any warning before I reach my destination.
My surface hits the stone with an unsettling crack.
The asphalt kisses my flesh tauntingly.
The chill of the surface sends electrical currents through my body.
Its rough surface welcomes the warmth from my flesh.
Reality has finally sunk as low as I have in my cold abstract rock bottom.
I pray for someone to help me, and listen to my thoughts.
All my helpers repeat the same empty sentences.
“You will get better.”, or “ This is just a phase.”
Overwhelmed, I watch them as they walk the level above me.
Their eyes are focused on their own horizon.
Leaving me as empty as I was before.
Reminding me that I have been alone for many years.
The obstacle course in front of me seems daunting.
Its perfect blocks seem never ending.
Each flight curves in whatever direction it chooses.
As I begin my journey, I attempt to hide my emotions and fears from the other souls that are passing through, but
I fail miserably for they see me right through my veil.
The railing slips through my fingers as they shove me aside
My frame becomes bruised from being pushed and pulled in different directions.
Exhaustion latches it's arms around my legs in attempt to slow my journey.
Thoughts trickle through my head as I attempt to conquer the barrier in front of me.
They do not filter their words as they voice their opinions
Flowing with ease, they invade my personal space.
Will my happiness ever come back?
Is there going to be any memories that I am going to be able to share with my family?
Should I leave this cold world that lacks luster and light?
I shove them back, and attempt to shake the uneasy feeling they left in their wake.
I know that no pleading is going to turn back time.
Nothing will make my past easier.
As I trek through the rocky terrain, I promise to become brave, to let my voice be heard, to face my fears, and to love life the way that it is supposed to be.
"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."~J.K. Rowling.
Frozen cubes clink around my glass.
I swirl the container around the table top endlessly.
The dewy surface soothes my clammy hands.
Anxiety seizes my heart.
He squeezes it between his hands causing it to beat fiercely in my cavity.
Each beat rings in my ears
I glance around the room to see if anyone else hears the base of my drum.
Thoughts slide into my wooden booth.
Insecurities join him, and bind their hands together.
They bicker back and forth as the seconds pass.
The hostess voice guides me out of my personal world as she directs you to me.
Your presence fills the the room.
I slowly slide out of my seat to sneak a peak.
Time seems to stand still around us.
Butterflies flutter around my stomach.
I embrace the warmth from your smile, and greet you with my own.
Numbly, I shake your hand as I get lost in your coffee colored eyes.
My brain freezes, but captures the key points that occur in our enclosure.
From double green beans and wide eyes
To dry humor, sly winks, and bold fedoras
Our laughter and emotions dance with each other as our souls mingle.
We fit together like two lost puzzle pieces.
Little did we know this encounter would start our journey together.
Velvety colors dance in the sky covering the world with their rich shades.
The artic air kisses my skin as a gaze up at them.
Street lights illuminate my frame, but dull my picture.
Chatter surrounds me.
Individual strands of voices intertwine together filling the void inside of me.
I watch the souls that shuffle and pass on by.
Their shadows cast over me, and push me further into my wall
I embrace their energy and silently laugh at their jokes.
My soul joins their group, but plays from afar.
She smiles at them brightly, and boldly holds out her heart.
Together we bounce from group to group
Drawing in the courage to say what we please
Our spirits paint the night sky.
As time passes, the groups begin to thin.
The chatter becomes a dull lull
Signalling that the city has began to sleep.
My soul holds my hand as we continue to walk the empty street.
She drags her feet along the pavement.
I attempted to console her, but the loneliness is too deep.
Maybe tomorrow, someone will pluck our flower from the wall for all to see.
Who are you, I whispered to the woman in the mirror.
She shrugs her shoulders at me.
My hands press against the cold glass.
I peer into the reflective surface to get a closer glimpse.
Her petite frame is hunched over, and her shoulders are slumped.
The skin enclosing her small frame is fragile and pale.
It's hue is a sickening shade of gray.
I repeat my question louder.
Who are you, I asked the woman in the mirror.
She stares at me blankly avoiding my repetition.
Her eyes seem too large for her shallow face.
They are enclosed in multiple shades of darkness.
Their turquoise color, once full of life, is now dull and dreary.
Who are you, I scream at the woman in the mirror.
The woman rushes forward.
Her hands reach out of the surface, and grip my shoulders firmly.
She pulls me into her cold empty world.
Forcing my eyes to view all the change and sadness around me.
I am you, she whispers to me.
Reality sinks in, and leaves me breathless.
She removes the mask concealing my face.
Behind me, images are hung on the wall of all the souls I have been portraying.
I look into reflecting glass surrounding us one last time.
I hold her hand tightly in mine.
As I turned to face her, I asked her one final question.
How do we change this
I stare at the ceiling.
I have memorized all the bumps, grooves, and cracks.
The blank canvas is dingy and dull.
It casts a shadow of boredom over me.
The bare mattress creaks underneath me
I shift my weigh side to side causing it to rock gently back and forth
It is the only thing that is keeping me warm and sane.
I can hear my family members playing outside
My brother's feet shake the earth beneath them.
His cries of joy fill the air
You laughs boom around him as you meet his demands
I can hear the metal from the swing clank in the wind as you push him higher and higher.
Patiently, I sit here waiting for you to come back.
Wondering when you will unblock the door.
Questioning when you will remove the stripped tape that is wrapped around my head and limbs.
My arms ache from being held in an awkward position.
The tape bites my wrists and sinks it's teeth deep into my skin.
I can feel the lacerations it leaves in it's place.
The chemicals have numbed my face.
My skin screams as I move my cheeks up and down.
The tape twists and pulls my skin in all different directions.
The sticky substance weighs down on my soul.
It traps me physically and mentally.
I am forced to watch time go by as I am stuck in a stand still position.
My young mind does not understand why I am forced to stay here.
I cannot comprehend why you are so mad.
My optimistic thoughts dissolve as time goes by
Here I will sit cold, hungry, and bored waiting for you to come back for me.
Ticking fills the room.
I rip the clock off the wall, and tear the batteries from the back.
Aggressively, I throw myself back in my seat with a huff.
I lower my head into the cool surface of the table.
My steaming mug is safely secured in my hand.
I watch the brown liquid swirl around as if the mere action would be enough to wake me up.
The dark substance is bitter on my tongue.
It burns my throat with it's unforgivable heat.
I can feel the harsh component coat my stomach.
Chemicals pulse through my veins, and make their presence known.
My eyes are heavy and droop onto my cheeks.
They scream with every movement, and beg me to let them rest.
I feel their agony and understand their pain.
Terror stomps around the room making his presence know.
He scrapes a chair across the floor, and joins me at the table.
He is delighted to view my weakness.
Laughter dances in his pitch-black eyes.
A jagged yellow grin forms on his face.
He taps his fingers slowly on the wooden surface.
I know he is waiting for me to cave.
He can sense the exhaustion diffusing off my body from being chased all night.
I glare at him fiercely.
Challenging him with my eyes, I declare war.
He is puzzled but amused, and accepts my offer.
His greasy hand holds onto mine as he guides me back to my chamber.
I climb into my bed with ease.
My bones groan with relief.
The sheets embrace me into a warm hug.
Peace falls over me and settles my thoughts.
I welcome the sleep that comes, but I know it will not be long before the battle.
The light from the candles illuminate the chamber.
Bubbles caress my skin as I bask in silence.
Memories flood the room like water in this tub.
I smile to myself as I twirl my finger around the rim of my crystal glass.
The chill embraces my touch.
Delicately, I sip my wine letting the rich velvety substance carry me back to you.
My body twists and turns inside the time warp.
It spins me around and around until it spits me out.
I fall to the floor in a jumbled mess.
I glance around the room, and quickly focus on you.
Amusement is dancing in your bold green eyes.
Your laugh trickles around the room.
The sweet melody enchant my ears.
I reach out to catch the notes floating in the air.
I carefully hold them in my hands
They attempt to pull their tiny feet from my grip, but I refuse to let them go.
Purity surrounds you.
It bares your soul for all to see.
This moment of you is so raw and real.
I snap a mental photograph, and memorize the pixels it holds.
Suddenly, I am swept off my feet.
Kindness and joy whirl me around the room.
We dance with no rhythm, and no reason at all.
My partners whisper sweet words to me, and tell me that they are from you.
My emotions come charging forward.
Their voices roar inside my head.
They pound on the walls to be let out.
The war causes a single tear to trace a path down my face.
My feet guide themselves towards you.
They are drawn to the feelings that surround you.
I walk down the narrow crumbling path until Reality shoves me down a black hole.
Reality stands over me with his wicked grin.
He crushes my soul with his hands.
Fragments are scattered around us.
I gather them off the dusty floor.
They form the photograph he wants me to see.
You are drunk
Intoxication at its finest.
Don't worry I'll pour you another glass
I'll watch the bottle vanish, and savor the last memory caused by the bitter-sweet substance.
I am dressed for the occasion, I think to myself as I pace back and forth.
The floor creaks underneath my feet.
I wince at the noises it makes.
My stocking shuffles leave patterns in the carpet.
I wait for the house to fall silent, and the last light switch to clink.
I count the minutes until the house will fall quiet.
My impatience builds, but I stuff him back down.
I release my sigh slowly and carefully not to wake the beast.
Finally, the house moans as it settles into it's deep sleep.
Excitement leaps for joy in circles around me.
I grin at her widely, and shake my head!
We are free!
I am free!
Free to do as I please without having to ask the gatekeeper before my every move.
There is no one controlling where my pawn shall lay.
My nerves build as I turn the door handle slowly.
I freeze in my place as the latch clicks.
I second guess my thoughts.
Excitement takes my hand and holds it tight.
She reassures me everything will be alright.
I peer into the darkness.
My ears listen closely for abnormal noises.
Across the hall, the shadows beckon for me to come over.
They smile at me with their wide Cheshire cat grins.
Their teeth glisten in the moon light.
I slide into their crowd, and we tiptoe into my favorite room
The kitchen glistens and shines.
I can smell what the beast made for dinner.
I carefully open the cabinets, and graze inside.
I rapidly stuff items in my pockets, and carefully select pieces that won't be missed.
My friends warn me from afar that we do not have much time.
They tap their watches to make me hurry up.
I quickly glance around, and gather my things.
I scamper toward them as quick as a mouse.
We dash into the next room.
I feel at bliss as I carry on with normal human tasks.
I scrub my face until all the layers of dirt have flaked off.
The tooth brush bristles feel rough against my gums.
I take the last few seconds to drink the pure cold water.
I gulp it with greed.
What is that noise
We all freeze.
My friends rush me to my room.
They shove me inside with a quick goodbye
I can hear them fasten the tape on the door.
Their foot steps disappear until there are none.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
I am safe.
Until tomorrow my dear friends, I whisper before I climb into my bed.
Wood splinters are embedded into my feet.
Clumps of hair surround my small form.
Sand granules are stuck to my fragile skin.
I sit in the sand at war with my emotions.
My mind does not hesitate to replay the scene over and over again.
The scene taunts and tortures me with details
It starts at the beginning with ease.
Twisted around my locks.
Your fingers are woven in an intricate pattern.
I can feel the individual strands wrapped like vines in your hand.
With one swift pull, my hair becomes your rope.
You drag me across the wooden floor with ease.
I brace my body with no avail.
My strength is no match for yours.
The wheels in my mind turn swiftly.
My system pumps with adrenaline.
My eyes glance around the room to focus on anything that might help me in this circumstance.
I flail my arms back and forth.
My shoulders ache from trying to extend my reach.
My finger tips are bruised from attempting to grip the furniture as we pass.
I thump my heels against the solid wood.
I attempt to bury them in past the surface.
They leave imprints in their wake.
The wood is abrasive against my skin.
Layers are individually torn from my body.
I can feel my skin weeping at the surface.
It cools the burn that was recently in its place.
Reality seems to shift as I concentrate on my escape.
Inches feel like miles
Seconds feel like hours.
Eventually our journey comes to an end.
The creak of the door snaps me awake as if someone has thrown cold water on me.
The metal bites my back.
You cast my body outside.
Suddenly, I am weight less.
I float in the air with simplicity.
My body twists and turns in unnatural ways.
Fright catches me with wings as I land with a crunch.
Agony travels through my body.
I build the courage to pull myself up from the pit.
In this sand, I shall sit to watch the scene all over again .
Scene movie horror cast fear
Egg shells crack underneath my feet.
I feel as if I am treading on water.
Softly, I tiptoe around the house.
My gaze is glued to the floor.
I drag my broom across the wood.
It swishes back and forth.
The noise thunders around me.
The dust clouds consume me.
I focus on the rhythm.
My thoughts swallow me whole.
I feel at peace with the world.
My shoulders release the weights that are stacked on top.
Stomping crackles through the house.
I cower in the nearest corner.
Maybe the shadows will conceal me, I think.
The monster's presence encloses me.
Her eyes narrow, and their gaze focuses on me.
She invades my space, and shoves her face into mine.
Her shrieks and demands dangle from the air.
I scurry quickly to complete them.
Fear latches onto my body in an attempt to slow me down.
My sobs become a pressure in my chest, and they catch in my throat.
My thoughts race through my head like a tiny car on a track.
Never ending and never slowing down.
I am certain my actions are not good enough.
They never are satisfing for the monster that hides inside this house.
I brace myself for the time is about to come.
I prep my defense for the jury.
Stacking my thoughts like papers in my head
My case is pointless.
It will never see the light of day.
The first blow catch me off guard.
It sweeps my defense off of it's feet.
You take my moment of weakness, and clench it tight.
Your fingers lace around my throat.
Squeezing tightly, and guiding me where you please.
I can feel my body lift off.
My feet are hovering in the air.
You slam me wall to wall.
The texture forms to my skin.
Threats are muttered into my ears.
We twist and turn like dancers with a perfect step.
Your nails claw and scrape my neck desperately to keep your hold.
I can feel the blood run down my body.
It leaves a trail throughout the house.
Deep maroon splotches paint the wood.
The rusty smell fills the air.
I lose my focus on the world.
Everything becomes a white space.
The voices in my head take over.
I am left with my thoughts of what the neighbors think
I wonder what you are thinking, or why you think this okay.
When will I escape the monster inside the house.
I have been down here for hours.
I have lost track of time waiting for you to come back.
The air is cold and thick.
I can see my breathe.
I breathe out slowly.
The white clouds surround me, and hover in the air.
The concrete walls are spinning like a merry -go-round.
I hang my head as it feels too heavy for my body.
My throat is dry and rough.
My lips are like sandpaper.
I chew them as it is the only thing that settles my stomach.
My body convulsions, as I curl up in a ball on the floor.
I feel like a tree being whipped in the wind.
Everything has become numb.
My fingers and toes turn blue.
My skin is a morbid shade of grey.
I thought I heard you walking down the stairs.
I was wrong.
Delirium comes to join me.
She holds me tight.
She brought me friends to talk to.
Shortly, my friends leave.
They are replaced by fire alarms.
I pound my sore head to make them go away.
My throat is raw from screaming at them.
I beg for all this to go away.
Thoughts and dreams of you loving me run through my head.
They help the time pass, as I wait in my concrete merry-go-round for you.
I hear sirens as I sit in my corner.
Their delicate whispers fill my ears.
They taunt me with their lies of false hope.
The colorful lights flood the room.
They twirl around like tiny ballerinas.
Suddenly, it all goes quiet.
The lively globes disappear.
The world becomes empty once more.
In the distance, a door can be heard creaking open.
Two boots hit the ground.
The soil crunches beneath them.
A strong walk can be heard through the walls.
There's a silent pause.
Not after long, a knock rattles the door.
A booming voice announces it's presence.
A women's voice guides him back outside.
Her fake sobs and lies shake the house.
I tone her out for I know her game all to well.
Time passes as slow as the earth seems to turn.
Before I know it, his presence joins me.
He sits in my corner with me.
I can feel his eyes examining my appearance
They focus on my every move.
When I meet them, I can feel the pools of sadness.
His emotions greet me well.
I know he can see the cuts and the blood that spills from them.
I know he can see the purple hues that litter my skin.
But as suddenly as his emotions came, a wall surrounds them.
He knows what happened.
I am sure he saw through her poker face.
But there is nothing he can do.
He gives me his apologises.
He explains his reasoning.
His presence leaves me.
The movements and actions are heard through the house
Eventually there are none.
My friend silence has come to visit me.
We sit in this corner together.
Pondering, when the next time will be that the shadow in blue comes to visit.
This quiet office determines my future.
The four walls are dull and dim.
The plastic chairs are rough.
The temperature is chilling.
The air is thick and suffocating with tension.
Nerves and emotions race around the room.
They shove me with every pass they make.
They mock me with their crude words.
I can feel your tight grip on my arm.
My knuckles are turning white.
My muscles are tight.
My back is stiff and straight.
You tell me to relax.
You tell me to let you do the talking, because you know best.
You are the mother after all.
A faint muffled knock cuts through the room.
It interrupts our war zone.
A cheerful man comes bounding into the office.
I can see the joy dancing in his eyes.
He greets you warmly.
He reminisces over fond memories of you, before there was me.
He trusts your judgment, and believes your lies.
You have him wrapped around your finger.
You are now the puppetir and he is your puppet.
I can feel the happiness radiating off you.
You have gotten your way.
Fear builds inside me.
It pounds on the walls to be let out.
I plead him with my eyes.
I beg him to see the truth that is hidden within.
I know I cannot speak out.
This would just cause more trouble in the end.
You have convinced him that I am just shy.
He has been lead to believe that I agree with you.
He does not hesitate to give you the posion that will **** me.
He gave you the dose that you requested.
He believed you when you said that it need to be higher.
You fail to inform him that this medication causes me to be ill.
He does not know of the coma state that this medication puts me in.
There is no talk of how this drug causes me to lose my vision.
Why would you inform him.
You have your legal way to end me.
The end of me will not be blamed on you.
It will not tarnish your good name.
After all, you were just following doctor's orders.
The thud of my body echos in the room.
The impact takes my breathe away.
The cold temperature of the floor welcomes me.
It brings me back to the surface of reality.
My lungs try to draw in air with no success.
My gasps are short and empty.
I can feel my heart race.
It jumps out of my chest.
Before I can recover, I feel the second blow.
The sickening noise bounces around room.
I know you are just getting started
I know it won't be my last.
Your foot connects rapidly with my body.
I can feel your toes individually.
I can feel the flex that they make against my ribs.
Your nails cut my skin like butter.
I can feel the pain spread like a wildfire across my body.
The flames sink deep into my core.
It shows me no mercy, as it scorches my body.
With each lick of pain, my screams increase.
My screams are a melody to your ears.
They mix well with the chorus of your yelling.
Everything blends with the bass of my body.
The song encourages you speed up the rhythm.
Eventually time seems to stop.
The world becomes silent.
The picture frame begins to blur.
Darkness has chosen to draw the final curtain.
I am 23 years old, and I can still feel it.
My past lingers over me, and hangs in the room like a thick cloud.
It engulfs me, and holds me tighter than I would like.
I am 23 years old, and I can still feel it.
Feel what you ask.
I can feel the room.
The four blank walls with a thick coat of dark paint.
Sadness and fear are the only things that hang on these walls.
I feel the coldness and the emptiness that contains the room.
They join me as I sit on the single object in the room.
I am 23 years old, and I can hear it.
Hear what you ask.
I can hear the foot prints of the individual household members.
I can tell you the exact point that they are located in the room.
I can tell you what mood they are in.
I can hear their voices, and their whispers about me.
I can hear how close they are.
Sometimes, I can hear the crisp sound of the lock being moved.
My shuffles into the darkness echo in the room.
My silent pleads of escaping can be heard running around the room.
I am 23 years old, and I can still smell it.
I can still smell the sour stench of the room.
The smell coats the room.
It drapes itself on every crevice.
I can smell myself, after being trapped here for days.
I can smell the sickness from my stomach, because I haven't ate for days.
I can smell the individual tears that have kissed the floor.
I can smell the blood from one too many beatings.
I am 23 years old, and it will forever haunt me.
The memories of being in this room are old, but they will stick with me forever.
They never hesitate to welcome me with open arms.
They taunt me whenever they please.
I am 23 years old, and I cannot escape it.
— The End —