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Lost Feb 7
Picked up
Off the ground

Teenage hands
Meet this paper tube
Teenage hands
Smell of lighter fluid

This tobacco cylinder
Plucked from the concrete
Once kissed by fire
Again meets

Inhaled deep
Then exhaled soft
Teenager sees
Pluming smoke

Cigarette ****
Smoked down
Tobacco flakes
Snow onto the ground

Bottom of boot
Smears it away
Ash blends into
Wet tar and grey
Lost Dec 2018
Cherry pit
That I bit
I am a cracked
And achy tooth
Lost Sep 2018
I miss you
Over 100mg a day
You made
my heart race

I miss you
The way you
Made me scratch
at my skin
and my scalp
Until there was blood
Under my fingernails

I miss you
Dropping 35lbs with you
Made me feel
So pretty
That I stopped eating
For days
And started purging
The food from my empty
Shrunken stomach
In public restrooms
With plastic spoons

I miss you
I didn’t sleep alone
When I had you
You sat on my chest
And wrapped my hands
Into white-knuckled
Clenched fists
You held me tighter
With each shallow
Painful breath

I miss you
My now steadied limbs
Don’t feel complete
In the absence of
Your gentle rattle
I want you to make
My bones dance again

I miss you
Joints shuddering
In aching pain
From you
Winding them up
So tight
I wish you could
Be here again
To contract
Every muscle
In my starved
Depleted body

I miss you
We would sit
On the bathroom
Counter together
And scrutinize
My yellowed skin
Picking and prodding
At every imperfection
For hours
Leaving scabs
And scales
Littering my
New thin face

I miss you
I remember fondly
The time we spent
Together laying
Face-down on
My kitchen floor
The tingly buzz
You filled me with
Every time I fainted
Pleasantly twinkling
Across my body

I miss you
At 4am
The time we
Used to stay
Up until
Every night
Staring at a wall
In my dimly lit room
Hours passing
Without me
Even noticing

I miss you
I know you hurt me
But I want you back
Every day
I miss how you made
Every moment hurt
And now I spend
All my time
Craving that pain

I miss you
I want you
To wreak havoc
All over again
Through my
Willing body
Swallowing doses
Of prescribed self harm
Each morning
I’m so horribly
Painless without you
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of disordered eating and bulimia
Lost Jan 30

It’s been a while, friend.
Since I’ve seen your face,
Heard your voice,
The sound of your laugh
Seen you play with your messy hair.

I think of you a lot.
I think of you when I hear
The songs we listened to
I can’t listen to
A lot of songs
I used to love
Because of you,
But that’s okay.

I find new songs,
And I think of you too.
I think of you first,
Because you’re
The only person
I would have showed them to.
It’s mostly sad songs
That remind me of you
Because you
Are sadness
To me.

Sadness personified.

I miss you so much
My throat feels tight
Writing this.
I miss you so much
That it’s been
Over a year
And hearing your name
Still makes my stomach

And the worst part is
I know,
God do I know,
That I could have
Made things different.

But no.
I didn’t.

But I also know
You could have too.

The blame isn’t mine
To totally own.
Though I think I
Feel it so heavy
On my shoulders
Some days
That I think
I might
Break under
The weight.

I wonder
Do you feel the same?

Does your stomach drop
When you hear my name?
Do you cry sometimes
Just thinking
About how
It could
Be different?

I thought I saw
Your car today.
My heart leapt
And then immediately
Not because
It wasn’t you—
Because if it were
I don’t know what I’d do.
I thought about it
And realized
The right thing
Would be to do
To pretend
I saw

I think I might
Be the only one
Left to still
Miss our friendship.

I think you’ve
Moved on better
Than I have.

And I’m glad.

But, *******,
Do I wish
You might
Text me back.
This poem is not a good poem, but I’m not posting it for anybody on here anyway. I’m posting it for me. Like all of my poems, this is not for any audience. This is for my sanity.

Thank you for reading regardless. I feel less alone when you guys relate.
Lost Sep 2019
I am an abandoned ship floating at sea
Like a message in a bottle, I bob aimlessly
I drift along waiting to find my respective shore
But I find open waters and row my tired oars

I am fawn lost without a guiding mother
Wandering the wilderness and searching for another
My spindly legs fail me and the buckle under my weight
I collapse in the grass and decide all I can do is wait

I am balloon that was let go to sail into the endless blue
Gradually drifting higher and higher with nowhere to go to
I know sometime I’ll pop and that it may be soon
But for now I fly not trying to predict my doom

I am a pair of shoes tied together and thrown around an electric line
I have all the time in the world to dangle as the days wash by
My fabric has worn and lost its color but my shape holds true
Laces suspend me in this purgatory of treetop views

I am an abandoned ship floating at sea
Like all the other things I am, I’m living quite lonely
Feeling lost occupies the majority of my time
So I spend my days whiling away and working my mind
Writing now and then just to remind myself that I’m alive
That my thoughts and words are as tangible as relentless time
Ticking away the clock stays as consistent as my rhyme
Structure and hope are all I have to cope and keep me alright
I wax and wane with my commitment, it’s a shame,
But I think I’m doing pretty fine
Lost Dec 2018
Five years old
Laying in the grass
In my backyard
Observing the blueness of the sky
Feeling like things would be okay
If somehow I died
Lost Dec 2018
Imprinted with U30 on the front

This is a HEADACHE
When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT
For your dilated PUPILS

Growling and ignored
Shrinking and shriveling
Under the pressure of a medicated FIST
Squeezing it TIGHT

This is a clenched JAW
Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS
TENSION worming its way
Through every FIBER and SINEW

Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE
Waiting anxiously to fix
Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet
But possibly will
Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK
Counting down the seconds
Until it all comes crashing DOWN

Common brand(s): Adderall
Lost Aug 2018
all I want to do is sleep
but I keep dreaming
of being awake
and I don’t see a point
in trying to drift away
bobbing in a sea
of unconscious pleasantness
if I’ll always be tightly tethered
and unwillingly bound
to the shore

I crave something
more permanent

being awake feels
like a recurring nightmare
that I keep trying to distance myself from
so it doesn’t sink its claws in too deep
the next time it grabs ahold of me
and I can continue to shrug life
off my indifferent shoulders
Lost Feb 2019
i type distantly
like the hands
that hold my phone
are alien appendages
attached to a body
from a different space
and a different time

but it is 1:13am now
and i am rooted here
in the physical world
my atoms buzzing and humming
dancing through the atmosphere
confined to this vessel
of meat and bones
that i have no choice
but to animate

i am here
condemning this physical form
to the four corners of my room
i switch between
writing to an operator
for a crisis text line
and spilling my insides
onto the lines i write here

this is how i spend my nights

it is 1:39am now
i canceled the text service
because i am tired
and i don’t find solace
in condescending
impersonal advice

believe it or not
i am a self-aware human being
and after six years
of making myself bleed
it actually has occurred to me
that i could find a hobby
or snap a rubber band
on my shaking wrists
and i have tried whatever unfulfilling
underwhelming trick
you have to offer

your intentions are always good
dear operators
but *******
your ignorance
is astoundingly

it is 1:56am
and i feel just as alone as before
but just a little more frustrated
and closer to sleep
than when I started
I found this while looking through my notes. It was written in May.
Lost Aug 2019
I forget how to write
Sitting in my skin
Festering spoiled meat
Falls off the bone
When I move my hands
To pick up a pen
Before I reach it
My fingers are dust
Along with my thoughts
Floating in the air
Body and mind
Decomposing in time

I forget how to draw
Like repelling magnets
Ink jumps from the page
And into my eyes
Blinded I fumble
Stumbling I mumble
Something about art
About how it’s saved me
****** and confused
It avoids and evades me
This is a poem I wrote on 8/7 that I came back to and titled tonight. Still feeling this way about my art.
Lost Nov 2018
I can’t remember the last time
I felt like I had a home

I hide in my room
And that is my house

I stow myself away
Like stashed contraband

I am not meant
To see the light of day

I am a ***** secret
I am the black sheep

Even my own mother
Doesn’t have faith in me

I’ve heard it directly
Straight from her mouth

I see it intangibly
In her furrowed brow

I don’t have a place
Where I feel familiar

I stand on the outside
Of every circle

I used to wonder
What I was doing wrong

But I think that I know
That it’s just who I am

I am not meant
To have a place

I own nothing of worth
I have no land

I sabotage my life
I throw away my efforts

For the chance to lay in bed
For a couple more hours

I am an observer
Watching the race

I see people running
Fast and hard

Toward the life they want
And the happiness they deserve

But I’m on the bleachers
Sitting and wasting

All of my energy
All of my time

I don’t do much work
But I still whine

“I have no money”
“I have no job”

But there’s nobody to blame
Except myself
Boils down
To being
My fault

But I don’t want pity
Especially not from myself

So I trade it in for self-loathing
And devalue my health

I don’t eat some days
But some days I binge

Some days I puke
But others I hold it in

“Do you want to change?”
Even my therapist knows

That I’ve settled for misery
That I’m destined for woe

I shut my eyes
And live in the dark

Because when I open them
All I see

Is the mess I made
That binds and traps me

I give up
It’s just what I do

It’s the only thing I’m good at
Causing this distress
I put myself through

I hold myself responsible
I don’t point the finger of blame

Except in the mirror
This is a personal shame
Definitely not a good poem. Very whiny. I refuse to settle for a ****** existence, but I do feel like this a lot. It’s just negative thoughts and self-doubt. I’m learning to ignore it, but they’re very persistent. I know it will get better with time and practice.
Lost Apr 2019
I sit there
Not believing that each person
Can possibly be so shallow
Can have so little layers

That what they’re showing the room
Isn’t just a shoddy facade
So incompetently shielding the world
From the turbulence
Bubbling underneath

Each of them is at a simmer

Sizzling and crackling
Hissing out little bits
Of their true interiors
In small foggy clouds
That dissipate and are forgotten
Sometimes before they are even acknowledged
This is an old poem initially drafted while having a panic attack at a party. Enjoy.
Lost Jan 2019
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
Lost Aug 2018
blankets and sheets
a straight jacket of comfort
tying my body down
to the two mattresses
stacked on top of each other
that I sleep on at night

bound to my bed
by nothing tangible
but bound nonetheless
trapped inside a prison
of my own design

I know that somewhere
the keys to escape
dwell within
but I can’t seem
to muster the energy
to search for them
and rummage through
the blackness inside

sifting through rank piles
of ugliness stacked high
and crammed deep
in my heart
and lungs
and stomach
and brain
and all the parts
in between

so I stay here
and waste away
stomach growling
body aching
to this purgatory

I am alive
but suspended
hanging over a chasm of death
staring into the depths
enchanted by its vastness
longing for the permanence
of eternal rest
but settling for this instead

rolling around in bed
day after day
chasing a sense
of relief
or replenished energy
hoping I will feel less drained
if I give myself the chance
to relax

I am restless
but I am listless
and empty

I want more than this
but this is all I can achieve
I don’t want this life
that isn’t worth living

I am growing more tired
and find myself trapped
in a tangle of blankets
unable to free myself
more each week

eventually I think
I may finally fall asleep
and never wake up
just like I’ve been dreaming of
all this time

one of these days
I will stop hanging
over the chasm
and take a leap of faith
at last
Lost Feb 2019
You are new
You make me new
All of your smiles
Melt into mine
Happiness shared
Blurring the lines
Between you and me

Bridging the gap
The space between us
That static air
Shocking life
Back into my
Stagnant veins

Electric eel
In my ocean body
Make me shiver
Put sparks inside
My bloodstream

You are new
A light illuminating
This cave where
I dwell

I’ve been enlightened
I see reflected
In your blue eyes
What I’ve missing
All this time

Something different
A  shifting view
A perspective
I never thought
I’d be lucky enough
To live from

All because of you
You are new
I found this while looking through my notes. I wrote it in September and I honestly forget who it was about. I guess new love doesn’t last.
Lost Aug 2018
Moving slower today
But feeling lighter
Because last night
I was drained

My energy and will
The marrow of my bones
Seeped out
Through my pores
While I was sleeping
And I woke up
Feeling lighter

Like if my shoes
Weren’t heavy enough
To hold me down
I’d float away
And disappear

The altitude
Would drink up
All my oxygen
And make my head
Feel the familiar
Fuzzy pressure
Of fainting

Making me feel
Lighter and lighter
And I would drift away
Higher and higher
Until I faded away
Into nothing
At all
Lost Jun 2019
My depression likes
Black curtains
So when I go to bed
Before the sun goes down
The light doesn’t
Make me think twice
About closing my eyes
And shutting out the day
Before it has a chance
To end on time
Lost Dec 2019
Maybe it’s my fault
That they’re not enough
Maybe I’m selfish
For wanting specific love

Maybe it’s my fault
That I always break things off
Maybe I’m too picky
For knowing what I want

Maybe it’s my fault
That nobody’s around
Maybe they’re not busy
They just don’t want to hang out

Maybe it’s my fault
For being too much
Maybe I’m too intense
And I’m not dialing it down enough

Maybe it’s my fault
No matter what
Maybe it doesn’t matter
It’ll just always be wrong
Yet another first date tomorrow. Dreading it deeply. Can’t seem to figure out how to navigate meeting new people platonically or otherwise with such immense emotional baggage. It’s so exhausting.
Lost Oct 2018
I ripped my
Heart out
So I could
Stop feeling
But it never
Stopped beating

Now I have
A heart in
My hands
And a hole
In my chest
And a great
Deal of hurt
All throughout
Lost Aug 2018
they used to use leeches
to **** all the bad
from your veins
but now we put things inside
to staunch
the pain
but I still think
I can bleed it out
on my bad days
Trigger Warning: Reference to self harm
Lost Nov 2018
Looking around me trying to see
What I can do to succeed
But all I find is a dark void
And all I hear are the sounds of flies
A buzzing, irritating white noise
I guess it all looks the same beneath shut eyes
Lost Dec 2018
I forget which songs
I opened my skin to
Which sounds my body
offered its insides to
Staining my sheets
The color of roses
Red and sticky sweet

I can’t remember
Which songs my thighs
Burst open to
Like an overripe
Juices welling under
The thinly veiled surface
Eager to spurt from fragile flesh

I forget which songs
I listened to when I
Separated skin with steel
Because I’ve done it so many times
They all blend together
Like the colors in a sunset
Soft and warm
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.
Lost Feb 2019
Gaseous cavity
Filled with fog
My head feels light as air
But heavier than rocks
Like I have a boulder for a brain
In the weightless atmosphere
Of the endless cosmos
Lost Nov 2018
I fell out of love with living.
I can’t remember what loving her felt like.
“We have good times,” I tell myself,
“times I’m grateful for her
and times I hold her tight.”
But mostly we’re distant.
We disagree on a lot.
She wants me to eat
and to keep my blood in my veins.
I love you dear,
but this body is mine to ruin
not yours to save.
I feel this way strongly some days, but won’t ever give in to it. I will try my best to be thankful for each day I am lucky enough to live and learn to love life at my own pace.
Lost Dec 2019
My heart broke different this time
The strings attaching my world
To my heart

This twine tying me down
Unwound and unbound
My world was my art
And now my heart
Beats flat
No longer with
The rambunctious
Rampant creativity
That resonated through
My veins

I look in the mirror
Holding stiller and stiller
Trying to catch the stranger
Looking back at me
In the act
Of stealing my skin
Or the passion I had
Fueling from within

I look at old pictures
And into my own eyes
I miss her
I would cry
But I think my heart
Broke different this time
Feeling weird nostalgia for the toxic, erratic, unhealthy person I was. The healthier I get, the less I feel like myself.
Lost Feb 2019
I’ve got worries
Shaped like big blocks

I try to keep inventory
But when I stack them up

They grow so tall
Towering over me

I try to climb them
But the tower starts shaking
Before I even see the top

They come crashing down
On top of me

And I am buried alive
In anxiety

I dig my way out
And catch my breath

I feel so empty
So little energy left

Laying on the ground
I don’t want to try

I can’t even find
The will to cry

After a while
I have a new plan

Even if I don’t want to
I need to try again

I look at the worries
Scattered around

And I line them up
Along the ground

Making a list
Counting each out loud

It’s still so much
But at least now

I don’t have that dread
Hanging over my head

All spread out
In front of me

Instead of a stack

Sorting through
One at a time

I have much more control
Than during that climb

Each block
A manageable chunk

Each worry acknowledged
Lifting the funk

I’m still there
Sorting it out

But I think I’m starting
To figure things out
Found this while looking through my notes. It was written in September.
Lost Jun 2019
I look ahead
And try to see
The path laid out
In front of me

I don’t like what I find
I find the thought overwhelming
So I focus on the present
Hoping to find some relief

I know what needs to change
But I can’t put it in motion
I find myself exhausted
Contemplating the notion

I don’t want my hand held
I don’t need to be carried
I want to do it in my own
But that’s hard to do when you’re already buried
Lost Sep 2018
the cigarette burn
on my arm
stares at me
with its white
and pink
puffy eye

its yawning maw
silently crying out
a speechless yelp
an angry
amorphous exclamation

like a hungry
baby bird
its ugly mouth
splayed open
across my
CONTENT WARNING: Reference to self harm
Lost Nov 2019
Every where I go
I see blunt objects
Feel the urge
To rush forward
And crack
My eggshell head
Wide open
Right on my forehead
Displaying the dirt
The mud
The *****
Black sludge
In my cranium
In my core
I want to blast it out
Into the floor
My license is suspended right now. I can’t see my therapist. I can’t change my meds like I was planning to. I can clean my room and change things at home, but I know that I won’t.
Lost Jan 25
I have so much pain
Stuffed away inside me
I don’t feel it all that often anymore
But I know it’s still there

I’d like to purge it
To flush it out
This emotional abscess
Rotting me

I’d like to cut it out
And walk around
With a big hole
Straight through me

I’d like to hook a finger
Down my throat
And scoop and dig it
Out of me

I’d like to find it
Peeking out of a pore
And I’d like to
Squeeze it away

But instead I cry
Because crying is
The closest thing
I’ve got
Lost Nov 2018
Empty stomach
Eating away
Head full of rocks
Weighted but floating

I want to dissipate
I want to be dust
Twinkling and hanging
Collecting in the corners

So all I eat
Is air and light
I fill my insides
With enough emptiness
To bloat all my guts
Until they swell and grow
And burst wide open
Displaying the musty cavern
Incubating in my intestines

Stalactite sorrow
Dripping from the ceiling
Stalagmite sadness
Rising and piercing
Growing through my feet
Rooting me to the ground
I am so lost
And I’ll never be found
Lost Sep 2018
I feel like there’s a cloud in my head
A fog hanging around my brain
The synaptic gaps between my neurons
Are broken spaces filled with mist
This cranium is heavy and weighted
With a darkness and a shadow
That ***** away the light I need to see

I am blinded in this murky abyss
Shine a light on me and nothing reflects

I am a bottomless pit
Filled with cotton drenched
In syrupy ink that bleeds from
The walls
The walls
The walls
Containing me
Are slippery
Greased walls
It is dank and wet
My lungs are stuffy
And my chest feels
Full to the point
Of bursting
I cannot climb
These walls
Lost Aug 2018
sometimes i cut paper
instead of my skin

other times i punch walls
just to feel something
in my balled up fists

my knuckles look different now
but i feel the same

so i keep cutting paper
until the next time i break
Trigger Warning: Description of self harm
Lost 19h
Am I really so empty?
Dried corn husk
Brittle leaves curved
Around negative space

The fruits of the earth
Long plucked away
Leaving nothing
But open air

But where did it all go?
Rows of pearly yellow
Crowded parts
Bursting and vibrant life

Gone is not the right word
Consumed is not either
Departed comes to mind
But it doesn’t fit right

Maybe the change is not a death
Maybe it is a birth instead

A husk is not the same
Without it’s core
But it is
It is

Born again I am new
This skin walks hollow
This skin walks full
I am not empty
I am the sum of my parts
Wholeness is perceived
And pieced together

I am the sum of my parts
Past and present
Intertwined so tight
The seams meld into one

Clay raked from wet ground
With my clawed hands
The weight feels the same
Balanced in my palms

Interlocking fingers
Press one heap of clay
To the other
Ooze leaks from gaps

Husk or whole
Both are parts
When clay palms collide
It’s impossible to just see
One or the other

A story is not the same
When you remove history
I cannot be a husk
Unless there was
Lost May 2019
Lessons learned lessen with time
Time takes its toll on memories
And failures are forgotten until repeated

I feel like my mistakes mold my existence
Into rolling regret that snowballs it’s way
Down a steep and steady path

Watch me plummet perpetually
Falling forever
Down to my ****** destiny
Lost Aug 2018
Decomposing. My body is alive. My body is
decomposing. Alive is just the first stage of
Consciousness is an unfortunate part of it.

I wish I could fast forward and skip this stage.
I want to find peace
and rest in the dirt. I want
to feed the worms. I want
to stop having to search
for a place to belong.

My home is in the ground.

Aide me on my journey. On my
rapidly spiraling path toward
decomposing. You can
kiss my eyelids as they’re
closing and taste
the residual tang
of a stage
passing. Of a life
crashing into unconsciousness.

wasting away.

You and I.
We are awake. We are alive.
You and me: Alive, awake, and
Lost Apr 2019
Blank walls
A room empty with
Blank walls

No matter where I look
Nothing, nothing, nothing

White noise
Atmosphere buzzing with
White noise

No matter what I hear
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Unless I listen to music
It stirs something dormant inside
And it hurts my chest

So I have a choice
Live imprisoned
By oppressive boredom

Or seek pain

Which would you choose?
Lost Jan 2019
I wrote a poem one day
That made my blood feel hot in my veins
So I tore at my skin like a scratch ticket
Until I won my liquid red prize
I smeared it on the page
And looked at what I did with tears in my eyes
I hid it for months but couldn’t stop being afraid
So I biked over to the neighborhood lake
And I threw the diary I bled in
As far as a could into the water
But my blood never stopped growing hotter

I clawed and gouged all of my limbs
Trying to bleed my way out of my skin
I didn’t know what I was doing
But I knew it must be hid
Because before the diary was thrown
I remembered that poem
I took the tip of the sharpest pencil
And tried to carve it
one letter a day
Into my arm
I started to keep my sleeves down
And fear set in
So I took that same pencil
And scratched it out of my skin

People started to notice then
And ask what happened to my arm
So I learned to make excuses
And better hide my self harm

Back then I was twelve
I read two to three books a day
But nothing and nobody I knew about
Made what I did make sense
I didn’t know why I did it
I just knew I had to
And now I hate to look back
It just makes me sad to

Innocent baby girl
Marring sweet young skin
It took seconds to do it
But years until the gravity set in
I still wouldn’t take it back
Despite all the countless scars
Because it all leads to the fact
That I am who I am now
Because of what I did then
Lost Oct 2018
I want to leave
And burrow into the ground

I’m going to dig a hole
And keep going further and further down

Until I’m so deep
That I can’t see the sky anymore

I’ll dig until the soil feels cool and damp
Until I’m out of sight and out of mind

Until I bury and smother it all
And fill up my mouth and eyes
With all the dirt they can hold

Until you can’t recognize me
And I’ll keep going

I don’t want to be missed
I just want to be gone

Somewhere far away
Somewhere down
So tired. Just want to be done. Sorry this isn’t my best.
Lost Aug 2018
Oh reconstructed image
Of the life I’m able to have
Please stay a little longer
I don’t want to go back

To the way I used to see
Used to be
Helpless me
Drowning seas
Of murky dread

These are the thoughts
Swimming in my head

Awake and distraught
Suspended and caught
In a web of tendrils
And wrapping
Me tight

I am not alone
I am not alone

No matter how barren
The halls of this house
I am never alone
But I always have doubt

I always have doubt
I always have doubt

I am never alone
But I always have doubt
Lost Oct 2019
Down and
Down and
Down down down

Where am I falling
That goes so ******* far

Am I even falling?
Is this open air?
Or am I sinking—
Drowning in despair?

All I know is gravity
Weighing down inside of me
Squashing my guts
Riding me
Gravity is on top
I am bottoming

Submissive in nature
I perceive myself as helpless
My environment dictates all
She is my strict mistress
No control over my fall
I sink further into distress

I stopped wondering where I’m going
All I know is it’s down
Spinning, twirling in my descent
The world around me whirling about
I stopped wondering where I’m going
And started to look around
At the sky drifting farther away
And the impending ground
Lost Sep 2018
Running it through my head
Like a train without brakes
I know I’ll run this off the tracks
And burn it all to the ground
If I don’t stop chugging through
The same paths in my head

I just can’t imagine why
Somebody like you
Would bother trying
To make things work
With somebody like me

I’m a broken machine
Pieces missing and
Parts rusted through
Will you fill in my holes
And make things run
Or will I just keep driving
Until I get towed into
The same junkyard
Where all the other
Lost causes go?

Don’t get your hopes up
I know I don’t anymore
I doubt I can keep this
Up long enough to
Get comfortable

We’ll float suspended
Together in this purgatory
Of maybe’s and what if’s
Until we drift apart
You to something better
Me to something lonelier
And then we’ll both be
Where we belong

My fate lies somewhere
Destitute and alone
But for now let’s pretend
That I’m not an eroded
Abandoned house
Too far gone and left
Out to rot and let’s
Paint my peeling walls
And hang pictures in my
Empty halls until I
Inevitably collapse
Lost Aug 2018
My days blend together
Like a smudge of graphite
On paper
Grayness shading
My range of vision
******* the pigment away

I feel like a ghost
Like I must be paler now
Something inside
Is missing
Swallowed by
The haze
Lost Nov 2018
I am a broken bone
Sitting in an old cast

It’s been years
But it never healed up

Jagged edges
Grind together
This plaster wrap

I wonder when
Things will line up
Lost Dec 2018
Where did all
the light go?

Sizzled out
of sight—
the sunshine
left me alone tonight.
Lost Jan 7
I miss being skinnier
But I don’t miss:

• The stomach pain
• Playing Adderall dosage games
• Hurting myself when I fall from fainting
• Dizziness
• Sleepiness
• Achiness

And I have to tell myself
Those things were bad
Or else I remember wrong
I have to tell myself
That lightheadedness
Isn’t euphoria
Is anemia
That skipping meals
Isn’t the best way
It’s anorexia
That throwing up
Isn’t deserved
It’s bulimia
It’s been years since I starved myself and probably about a year since I last purged. I abused Adderall to suppress my appetite, and the total milligrams I would take throughout the day at one point was nearly 100. I’ve gained a lot of weight rapidly recently and am now overweight. I will learn to find balance and a healthy weight in a healthy way. I will stop being ashamed that I need food to survive, and that my body needs to be nourished to thrive, but I will also stop abusing food and bingeing when nobody is around to see me. I will give myself the gift of a happy body.
Lost Sep 2018

I am a tuneless maraca
Shake me up and listen
To the sound of medication
Rapping up against my
Intestinal lining

Dance to the song
My stomach is writing
Hear the notes smeared
Together and move your
Body in rhythm with my

Foaming at the mouth
White bubbles of poison
Dripping down blue cheeks
My eyes roll back in my
Head and see stars erupting
A firework show just for me
Frying up my burning brain

When I die I don’t
Want to be asleep
I want to feel every last
Bit of oxygen
Squeezed out of me
I want to watch my life
slip away in a hazy fever dream

Pills rattle down my throat
And you’re not here to see it
But I’m laying on the ground
Choking on my *****
I didn’t say goodbye
Because it would just
Make everybody sad
But know that this is
The happiest moment
I’ve had
CONTENT WARNING: Strong suicidal ideation

I promise I’m okay, I’m just struggling while I’m off my meds for now. I’m in between psychiatrists and I’ll get them soon enough. I am safe.
Lost Apr 2019
Stop me
Dirt under my nails
Clawing at the earth
Prying apart
The ground
Six feet
Is a long
Lost Sep 2019
Swept away in the riptide
The waves wash over me
Shaping me
Into something
I look almost the same
There’s just less of me
Eroded, soft, smooth
Yet moved
There’s less of me
But what remains is still solid
River rock stolid
I stay in the same place
Because it doesn’t matter where I go
This oppressive water
It drowns everything
It stings
But it’s the closest I can get
To seeing clearly
     Alphabet soup
     Every word
Nothing expressing
The weight of fate
How heavy
How thick
Swimming in
Cough syrup
Distressed about climate change tonight. Writing about it and hoping/trying to inform myself.
Lost May 2019
The feeling of charcoal
Plucked from a fire pit
Crumbling beneath fingers
I am stained

Forefinger and thumb
***** dark and grey
Anything I touch
Is smeared
Stamped, soiled,
And stuck
With soot

Faucet running
Hands breaking
A steady stream
I keep scrubbing
But the water
Won’t stop running

Midas of soot
Maker of mar
Tired of seeing grey
I lay in a bed of ash
I’m sitting at a barbecue silently writing on my phone. I don’t anybody would talk to me anyway.
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