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Lost Oct 2018
I don’t see
My mom very much
Anymore
Because when I do
She hurts me

Today I saw my mom
And she told me
That she was so certain
I was going to **** myself
That she already
Has said goodbye
And let me go

That’s why
I don’t live
With my family
This isn’t figurative or hyperbolic whatsoever. My mom literally just screamed at me for about thirty minutes after not seeing her for weeks, and told me that I was going to die young and **** myself because she can’t see me heading in any other direction.

I’m in my first year of community college this year, and I haven’t lived with my family since my junior year of high school. I work so hard to make progress and feel better, and every time I see my mom she just tears me the **** down. I love her so much and it hurts me so bad. I’m done trying to make her happy.

I know this is far from a quality piece of writing, but I’m just very upset and I’m ready to shut down. I stop talking when things like this happen, and whatever little communication I muster usually happens through writing. Thanks for reading and taking the time to consider and value my thoughts. I really appreciate it more than you know.
18
Lost Dec 2018
18
I want to die
Every day
Of my life
But every time
I get close
Every time
I starve myself
Until I drop
To the ground
Buzzing tingles
In my fingers and toes
Every time
I stay up
All night
For days
On end
Every time
I drive somewhere
Private enough
To die alone
And still be found
Before my body
Gets gross
Every time
I take enough Adderall
To make my heart
Beat so hard
Against my chest
That it hurts
To breathe
I get too scared
To pull the trigger
And down the pills
And tie the noose
And slash my wrists
I’m so afraid to die
But I’ve wished for it
My whole life
I don’t have a place
Where I belong alive
But I think for sure
That there’s no afterlife
Where I’ll belong either
I’ll just be a number
In a study
If I ever work up the guts
To just ******* end it all
Maybe that’s
My place
Lost Dec 2018
Five years old
Laying in the grass
In my backyard
Observing the blueness of the sky
Feeling like things would be okay
If somehow I died
Lost Nov 2018
I can’t remember the last time
I felt like I had a home

I hide in my room
And that is my house

I stow myself away
Like stashed contraband

I am not meant
To see the light of day

I am a ***** secret
I am the black sheep

Even my own mother
Doesn’t have faith in me

I’ve heard it directly
Straight from her mouth

I see it intangibly
In her furrowed brow

I don’t have a place
Where I feel familiar

I stand on the outside
Of every circle

I used to wonder
What I was doing wrong

But I think that I know
That it’s just who I am

I am not meant
To have a place

I own nothing of worth
I have no land

I sabotage my life
I throw away my efforts

For the chance to lay in bed
For a couple more hours

I am an observer
Watching the race

I see people running
Fast and hard

Toward the life they want
And the happiness they deserve

But I’m on the bleachers
Sitting and wasting

All of my energy
All of my time

I don’t do much work
But I still whine

“I have no money”
“I have no job”

But there’s nobody to blame
Except myself
Everything
Boils down
To being
My fault

But I don’t want pity
Especially not from myself

So I trade it in for self-loathing
And devalue my health

I don’t eat some days
But some days I binge

Some days I puke
But others I hold it in

“Do you want to change?”
Even my therapist knows

That I’ve settled for misery
That I’m destined for woe

I shut my eyes
And live in the dark

Because when I open them
All I see

Is the mess I made
That binds and traps me

I give up
It’s just what I do

It’s the only thing I’m good at
Causing this distress
I put myself through

I hold myself responsible
I don’t point the finger of blame

Except in the mirror
This is a personal shame
Definitely not a good poem. Very whiny. I refuse to settle for a ****** existence, but I do feel like this a lot. It’s just negative thoughts and self-doubt. I’m learning to ignore it, but they’re very persistent. I know it will get better with time and practice.
Lost Dec 2018
Cherry pit
That I bit
I am a cracked
And achy tooth
Lost Sep 2018
I miss you
Over 100mg a day
You made
my heart race

I miss you
The way you
Made me scratch
at my skin
and my scalp
Until there was blood
Under my fingernails

I miss you
Dropping 35lbs with you
Made me feel
So pretty
That I stopped eating
For days
And started purging
The food from my empty
Shrunken stomach
In public restrooms
With plastic spoons

I miss you
I didn’t sleep alone
When I had you
You sat on my chest
And wrapped my hands
Into white-knuckled
Clenched fists
You held me tighter
With each shallow
Painful breath

I miss you
My now steadied limbs
Don’t feel complete
In the absence of
Your gentle rattle
I want you to make
My bones dance again

I miss you
Joints shuddering
In aching pain
From you
Winding them up
So tight
I wish you could
Be here again
To contract
Every muscle
In my starved
Depleted body

I miss you
We would sit
On the bathroom
Counter together
And scrutinize
My yellowed skin
Picking and prodding
At every imperfection
For hours
Leaving scabs
And scales
Littering my
New thin face

I miss you
I remember fondly
The time we spent
Together laying
Face-down on
My kitchen floor
The tingly buzz
You filled me with
Every time I fainted
Pleasantly twinkling
Across my body

I miss you
At 4am
The time we
Used to stay
Up until
Every night
Staring at a wall
In my dimly lit room
Hours passing
Without me
Even noticing

I miss you
I know you hurt me
But I want you back
Every day
I miss how you made
Every moment hurt
And now I spend
All my time
Craving that pain

I miss you
I want you
To wreak havoc
All over again
Through my
Willing body
Swallowing doses
Of prescribed self harm
Each morning
I’m so horribly
Painless without you
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of disordered eating and bulimia
Lost Dec 2018
This is a LIGHT ORANGE,
ROUND-shaped TABLET
Imprinted with U30 on the front

This is a HEADACHE
When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT
For your dilated PUPILS

This is an EMPTY STOMACH
Growling and ignored
Shrinking and shriveling
Under the pressure of a medicated FIST
Squeezing it TIGHT

This is a clenched JAW
Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS
TENSION worming its way
Through every FIBER and SINEW

This is a METICULOUS AGENDA
Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE
Waiting anxiously to fix
Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet
But possibly will
It is a RELENTLESS VIGIL
Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK
Counting down the seconds
Until it all comes crashing DOWN

This is AMPHETAMINE SALTS
Common brand(s): Adderall
Lost Feb 17
i type distantly
like the hands
that hold my phone
are alien appendages
attached to a body
from a different space
and a different time

but it is 1:13am now
and i am rooted here
in the physical world
my atoms buzzing and humming
dancing through the atmosphere
confined to this vessel
of meat and bones
that i have no choice
but to animate

i am here
condemning this physical form
to the four corners of my room
i switch between
writing to an operator
for a crisis text line
and spilling my insides
onto the lines i write here

this is how i spend my nights

it is 1:39am now
i canceled the text service
because i am tired
and i don’t find solace
in condescending
impersonal advice

believe it or not
i am a self-aware human being
and after six years
of making myself bleed
it actually has occurred to me
that i could find a hobby
or snap a rubber band
on my shaking wrists
and i have tried whatever unfulfilling
underwhelming trick
you have to offer

your intentions are always good
dear operators
but *******
your ignorance
is astoundingly
counterproductive

it is 1:56am
and i feel just as alone as before
but just a little more frustrated
and closer to sleep
than when I started
I found this while looking through my notes. It was written in May.
Lost Aug 2018
all I want to do is sleep
but I keep dreaming
of being awake
and I don’t see a point
in trying to drift away
bobbing in a sea
of unconscious pleasantness
if I’ll always be tightly tethered
and unwillingly bound
to the shore

instead
I crave something
more permanent

being awake feels
like a recurring nightmare
that I keep trying to distance myself from
so it doesn’t sink its claws in too deep
the next time it grabs ahold of me
and I can continue to shrug life
off my indifferent shoulders
Lost Jan 9
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
Lost Aug 2018
blankets and sheets
a straight jacket of comfort
tying my body down
to the two mattresses
stacked on top of each other
that I sleep on at night

bound to my bed
by nothing tangible
but bound nonetheless
trapped inside a prison
of my own design

I know that somewhere
the keys to escape
dwell within
but I can’t seem
to muster the energy
to search for them
and rummage through
the blackness inside

sifting through rank piles
of ugliness stacked high
and crammed deep
in my heart
and lungs
and stomach
and brain
and all the parts
in between

so I stay here
and waste away
stomach growling
body aching
condemned
to this purgatory

I am alive
but suspended
hanging over a chasm of death
staring into the depths
enchanted by its vastness
longing for the permanence
of eternal rest
but settling for this instead

rolling around in bed
day after day
chasing a sense
of relief
or replenished energy
hoping I will feel less drained
if I give myself the chance
to relax

I am restless
but I am listless
and empty

I want more than this
but this is all I can achieve
I don’t want this life
that isn’t worth living

I am growing more tired
and find myself trapped
in a tangle of blankets
unable to free myself
more each week

eventually I think
I may finally fall asleep
and never wake up
just like I’ve been dreaming of
all this time

one of these days
I will stop hanging
over the chasm
and take a leap of faith
at last
Lost Feb 17
You are new
You make me new
All of your smiles
Melt into mine
Happiness shared
Blurring the lines
Between you and me

Bridging the gap
The space between us
That static air
Shocking life
Back into my
Stagnant veins

Electric eel
In my ocean body
Make me shiver
Put sparks inside
My bloodstream

You are new
A light illuminating
This cave where
I dwell

I’ve been enlightened
I see reflected
In your blue eyes
What I’ve missing
All this time

Something different
A  shifting view
A perspective
I never thought
I’d be lucky enough
To live from

All because of you
You are new
I found this while looking through my notes. I wrote it in September and I honestly forget who it was about. I guess new love doesn’t last.
Lost Aug 2018
Moving slower today
But feeling lighter
Because last night
I was drained

My energy and will
The marrow of my bones
Seeped out
Through my pores
While I was sleeping
And I woke up
Feeling lighter

Like if my shoes
Weren’t heavy enough
To hold me down
I’d float away
And disappear

The altitude
Would drink up
All my oxygen
And make my head
Feel the familiar
Fuzzy pressure
Of fainting

Making me feel
Lighter and lighter
And I would drift away
Higher and higher
Until I faded away
Into nothing
At all
Lost Aug 2018
they used to use leeches
to **** all the bad
from your veins
but now we put things inside
to staunch
the pain
but I still think
I can bleed it out
on my bad days
Trigger Warning: Reference to self harm
Lost Oct 2018
I ripped my
Heart out
So I could
Stop feeling
But it never
Stopped beating

Now I have
A heart in
My hands
And a hole
In my chest
And a great
Deal of hurt
All throughout
Lost Nov 2018
Looking around me trying to see
What I can do to succeed
But all I find is a dark void
And all I hear are the sounds of flies
A buzzing, irritating white noise
I guess it all looks the same beneath shut eyes
Lost Dec 2018
I forget which songs
I opened my skin to
Which sounds my body
offered its insides to
Staining my sheets
The color of roses
Red and sticky sweet

I can’t remember
Which songs my thighs
Burst open to
Like an overripe
Clementine
Juices welling under
The thinly veiled surface
Eager to spurt from fragile flesh

I forget which songs
I listened to when I
Separated skin with steel
Because I’ve done it so many times
They all blend together
Like the colors in a sunset
Soft and warm
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.
Lost Dec 2018
1.
He asked me,
“Are you ashamed of your body?”
And I said yes.

He told me,
“Well, you shouldn’t be.”
And I absently nodded my head.

2.
I’ve written about you before
But it won’t stop me from doing it again

Because when I think you at night
I think of your eyelashes
Thick and long
I feel them fluttering
On my cheeks

3.
You were a thrill,
But you weren’t cheap.

4.
Poetry
We both liked poetry
And I felt hope
Twinkling in my chest

But that spark
Was soon extinguished

The more I knew him
I wanted him less

5.
It was the first time
Somebody wrapped their hands
Around my throat
And I found
That I couldn’t stop smiling

I didn’t stay the night
But I woke up to bite marks
Inside my thighs
The next morning

6.
Thirty-two years old
Fourteen years my senior

In his mother’s basement
I laid awake all night
Waiting for morning’s light
To leave him

7.
I miss you
And I’m sorry things went down
The way they did

Let’s just be friends again
And make each other laugh
Doing goofy improv bits

8.
Minty gum
Tucked in your cheek
Tickling my tastebuds
When our tongues meet

9.
I drove over an hour
It didn’t matter to me

Twice my age exactly
But I didn’t mind

Because I got to send
The best text I’ve ever sent
In recent memory

“Hey ladies,
I just got fingerblasted
Into the next century
By a thirty-six year old
With cerebral palsy”

10.
We went to school together
And your sister was in my grade
I always thought you were cute
But I had never known your name

11.
I love you
You’re my best friend
What we did was wrong
And as much as I want you
I knew it had to end
This is a record of everybody I’ve ever had *** with accompanied by a short poem about each experience.

Enjoy
Lost Feb 13
Gaseous cavity
Filled with fog
My head feels light as air
But heavier than rocks
Like I have a boulder for a brain
In the weightless atmosphere
Of the endless cosmos
Lost Nov 2018
I fell out of love with living.
I can’t remember what loving her felt like.
“We have good times,” I tell myself,
“times I’m grateful for her
and times I hold her tight.”
But mostly we’re distant.
We disagree on a lot.
She wants me to eat
and to keep my blood in my veins.
I love you dear,
but this body is mine to ruin
not yours to save.
I feel this way strongly some days, but won’t ever give in to it. I will try my best to be thankful for each day I am lucky enough to live and learn to love life at my own pace.
Lost Feb 17
I’ve got worries
Shaped like big blocks

I try to keep inventory
But when I stack them up

They grow so tall
Towering over me

I try to climb them
But the tower starts shaking
Before I even see the top

They come crashing down
On top of me

And I am buried alive
In anxiety

I dig my way out
And catch my breath

I feel so empty
So little energy left

Laying on the ground
I don’t want to try

I can’t even find
The will to cry

After a while
I have a new plan

Even if I don’t want to
I need to try again

I look at the worries
Scattered around

And I line them up
Along the ground

Making a list
Counting each out loud

It’s still so much
But at least now

I don’t have that dread
Hanging over my head

All spread out
In front of me

Instead of a stack
Towering

Sorting through
One at a time

I have much more control
Than during that climb

Each block
A manageable chunk

Each worry acknowledged
Lifting the funk

I’m still there
Sorting it out

But I think I’m starting
To figure things out
Found this while looking through my notes. It was written in September.
Lost Sep 2018
the cigarette burn
on my arm
stares at me
with its white
and pink
puffy eye

its yawning maw
silently crying out
a speechless yelp
an angry
amorphous exclamation

like a hungry
baby bird
its **** mouth
splayed open
across my
forearm
CONTENT WARNING: Reference to self harm
Lost Nov 2018
Empty stomach
Eating away
Head full of rocks
Weighted but floating

I want to dissipate
I want to be dust
Twinkling and hanging
Collecting in the corners

So all I eat
Is air and light
I fill my insides
With enough emptiness
To bloat all my guts
Until they swell and grow
And burst wide open
Displaying the musty cavern
Incubating in my intestines

Stalactite sorrow
Dripping from the ceiling
Stalagmite sadness
Rising and piercing
Growing through my feet
Rooting me to the ground
I am so lost
And I’ll never be found
Lost Sep 2018
I feel like there’s a cloud in my head
A fog hanging around my brain
The synaptic gaps between my neurons
Are broken spaces filled with mist
This cranium is heavy and weighted
With a darkness and a shadow
That ***** away the light I need to see

I am blinded in this murky abyss
Shine a light on me and nothing reflects

I am a bottomless pit
Filled with cotton drenched
In syrupy ink that bleeds from
The walls
The walls
The walls
Containing me
Are slippery
Greased walls
It is dank and wet
My lungs are stuffy
And my chest feels
Full to the point
Of bursting
I cannot climb
These walls
Lost Aug 2018
sometimes i cut paper
instead of my skin

other times i punch walls
just to feel something
in my balled up fists

my knuckles look different now
but i feel the same

so i keep cutting paper
until the next time i break
Trigger Warning: Description of self harm
Lost Aug 2018
Decomposing. My body is alive. My body is
decomposing. Alive is just the first stage of
decomposing.
Consciousness is an unfortunate part of it.

I wish I could fast forward and skip this stage.
I want to find peace
and rest in the dirt. I want
to feed the worms. I want
to stop having to search
for a place to belong.

My home is in the ground.

Aide me on my journey. On my
rapidly spiraling path toward
decomposing. You can
kiss my eyelids as they’re
closing and taste
the residual tang
of a stage
passing. Of a life
crashing into unconsciousness.

Slip,
drip,
wasting away.

You and I.
We are awake. We are alive.
You and me: Alive, awake, and
decomposing.
Lost Jan 16
I wrote a poem one day
That made my blood feel hot in my veins
So I tore at my skin like a scratch ticket
Until I won my liquid red prize
I smeared it on the page
And looked at what I did with tears in my eyes
I hid it for months but couldn’t stop being afraid
So I biked over to the neighborhood lake
And I threw the diary I bled in
As far as a could into the water
But my blood never stopped growing hotter

I clawed and gouged all of my limbs
Trying to bleed my way out of my skin
I didn’t know what I was doing
But I knew it must be hid
Because before the diary was thrown
I remembered that poem
I took the tip of the sharpest pencil
And tried to carve it
one letter a day
Into my arm
I started to keep my sleeves down
And fear set in
So I took that same pencil
And scratched it out of my skin

People started to notice then
And ask what happened to my arm
So I learned to make excuses
And better hide my self harm

Back then I was twelve
I read two to three books a day
But nothing and nobody I knew about
Made what I did make sense
I didn’t know why I did it
I just knew I had to
And now I hate to look back
It just makes me sad to

Innocent baby girl
Marring sweet young skin
It took seconds to do it
But years until the gravity set in
I still wouldn’t take it back
Despite all the countless scars
Because it all leads to the fact
That I am who I am now
Because of what I did then
Lost Oct 2018
I want to leave
And burrow into the ground

I’m going to dig a hole
And keep going further and further down

Until I’m so deep
That I can’t see the sky anymore

I’ll dig until the soil feels cool and damp
Until I’m out of sight and out of mind

Until I bury and smother it all
And fill up my mouth and eyes
With all the dirt they can hold

Until you can’t recognize me
And I’ll keep going

I don’t want to be missed
I just want to be gone

Somewhere far away
Somewhere down
                           down
                                down
So tired. Just want to be done. Sorry this isn’t my best.
Lost Aug 2018
Oh reconstructed image
Of the life I’m able to have
Please stay a little longer
I don’t want to go back

To the way I used to see
Used to be
Helpless me
Drowning seas
Of murky dread

These are the thoughts
Swimming in my head

Awake and distraught
Suspended and caught
In a web of tendrils
Reaching
And wrapping
Me tight

I am not alone
I am not alone

No matter how barren
The halls of this house
I am never alone
But I always have doubt

I always have doubt
I always have doubt

I am never alone
But I always have doubt
Lost Sep 2018
Running it through my head
Like a train without brakes
I know I’ll run this off the tracks
And burn it all to the ground
If I don’t stop chugging through
The same paths in my head

I just can’t imagine why
Somebody like you
Would bother trying
To make things work
With somebody like me

I’m a broken machine
Pieces missing and
Parts rusted through
Will you fill in my holes
And make things run
Or will I just keep driving
Until I get towed into
The same junkyard
Where all the other
Lost causes go?

Don’t get your hopes up
I know I don’t anymore
I doubt I can keep this
Up long enough to
Get comfortable

We’ll float suspended
Together in this purgatory
Of maybe’s and what if’s
Until we drift apart
You to something better
Me to something lonelier
And then we’ll both be
Where we belong

My fate lies somewhere
Destitute and alone
But for now let’s pretend
That I’m not an eroded
Abandoned house
Too far gone and left
Out to rot and let’s
Paint my peeling walls
And hang pictures in my
Empty halls until I
Inevitably collapse
FOG
Lost Aug 2018
FOG
My days blend together
Like a smudge of graphite
On paper
Grayness shading
My range of vision
******* the pigment away

I feel like a ghost
Like I must be paler now
Something inside
Is missing
Swallowed by
The haze
Lost Nov 2018
I am a broken bone
Sitting in an old cast

It’s been years
But it never healed up

Jagged edges
Grind together
Underneath
This plaster wrap

I wonder when
Things will line up
Lost Dec 2018
Where did all
the light go?

Sizzled out
of sight—
the sunshine
left me alone tonight.
Lost Sep 2018
Pills
Rattle
Down
My
Throat

I am a tuneless maraca
Shake me up and listen
To the sound of medication
Rapping up against my
Intestinal lining

Dance to the song
My stomach is writing
Hear the notes smeared
Together and move your
Body in rhythm with my
Convulsing

Foaming at the mouth
White bubbles of poison
Dripping down blue cheeks
My eyes roll back in my
Head and see stars erupting
A firework show just for me
Frying up my burning brain

When I die I don’t
Want to be asleep
I want to feel every last
Bit of oxygen
Squeezed out of me
I want to watch my life
slip away in a hazy fever dream

Pills rattle down my throat
And you’re not here to see it
But I’m laying on the ground
Choking on my *****
I didn’t say goodbye
Because it would just
Make everybody sad
But know that this is
The happiest moment
I’ve had
CONTENT WARNING: Strong suicidal ideation

I promise I’m okay, I’m just struggling while I’m off my meds for now. I’m in between psychiatrists and I’ll get them soon enough. I am safe.
Lost 4d
Beating white-knuckled fists
Into the ground
A rising frustration in my throat
Makes tears fall down

“Helplessness is learned”
That’s what they tell me
But I feel like I am
Perpetually a baby

Nineteen years and counting
I’ve been stuck in this skin
And no more control over
The cacophony within

Sitting in front of textbooks
Staring at the same words
I’m on a long road to nowhere
“Helplessness is learned”

Bound like *******
Hanging in the air
Hands behind my back for so long
I forget they’re there

“Helplessness is learned”
It’s a lesson drilled in my brain
Growing up more each day
But an angry toddler all the same

Time ticking relentless
As years fly by
While I sit in a corner
Thinking about why

Eyes stinging red
An incessant burn
It all boils down to
“Helplessness is learned”
Committing to my recovery has been difficult. I have the same feelings and negative core beliefs, but I’m trying to act oppositely until they change. Maybe then I’ll feel like I have control.
Lost Aug 2018
Keeping on
Keeping cool
Keeping up
When will anything
Ever be enough?

I’ve been keeping on
And staying strong
From day one
With nothing to show for it

No battles won
Or worries gone
Just one thing after the other;
A massive storm of ****

My fuse gets shorter
Burning closer and hotter
And I only keep my cool
Behind clenched fists

Punching brick walls
Making late night phone calls
The pain of fighting it off
Is no longer worth the risks

Falling behind
I try to remind
Myself that I need to breathe

But balance and me
Will never be
More than a casual
On and off thing

Because I can’t commit
To not losing it
Without the bad days
Always overwhelming

Keep on
Keeping on
Until keeping
Is all you do

Coping skills
And cheap thrills
I collect more each night
Though I benefit from few

Because short-term distraction
Takes no long-term action
And I spend my time
Aimless without direction

I drift along
Nights short and my days long
Eyelids heavier than my heart
The desire to sleep robbing all motivation

I am tired
But I am wired
I am contradictory

I am surviving
Though I feel like I’m dying
And that is my sole victory
Lost Dec 2018
I feel like if I’m going to **** myself
I’m running out of time to

If I don’t do it now I’ll be stuck
Stuck working
Stuck caring
Stuck fighting

I won’t have the option
If I’m committed to life

But right now I have the choice
I can make it stop
Stop hurting
Stop hurting


Stop

*******

Hurting


But I know I won’t

I never finish anything I start
Can’t remember the last time I had the drive to see something through to the end. I guess it’s no different with this matter.
Lost Jan 20
i am a vortex
a black hole
collapsing in

i am a balloon
filled with air
stretched thin
and stuffed full

i want to be nothing
to return all of the space and time
i have taken up

i want to be recycled
and scattered back into the cosmos
every particle and memory
Lost Oct 2018
It feels like
There’s a throbbing
Mass leaking like
A bruised rotten
Tomato in my
Cranium

If you tilt me
To the side
The mushy
Rank guts in
My head
Trickle out
My ears

All green with
Yellow chunks
It slides and
Squeezes its
Way out and
Stains my
Pillowcase

Crush me until
It all comes out
Until I am empty
And maybe then
Everything won’t
Feel so heavy
Lost Aug 2018
Icarus flew too close to the sun

He thought she was beautiful
Under the spell of her brightness
Rarely did he venture into the sky but he didn't mind
Taking a risk to be closer to her lightness

Pretending not to notice the signs he
Eagerly soared closer to their meeting
Only she tried to warn him; she begged him to leave
Pleading him to believe her but
Leading him nearer with her comforting warmth
Egregiously
Lost Feb 13
Twinkling in and out of sight
The stars hanging in silent air
Holding my breath and waiting
For what I don’t know
Something impending
Something that binds my chest
Flat into my lungs
Crushing the breath out
And siphoning small gasps in

Twinkling in and out of sight
Lights dance around the corners of eyes
And tear ducts water inklings of
Something impending
Lost Jan 31
I’m not your fallback
I’m not your *******
I’m not your girl
And I never was

*******
**** your face
**** your soft gentle lips
**** everything we ever did

You hurt me
You hurt my heart
You hurt my self-worth
You should be ashamed

I’m not your *****
I’m nobody’s *****
Never again
Will I give my body so freely
To toxic people like you
You nasty ******* ****
Done with toxic *******. Done with being used. He can say he’s sorry all he wants, but sorrys won’t cut it this time, ******.
Lost Jan 21
You have always been there
Right at my side
My only constant
My only rock
Was that you were there
You never stopped

You hurt me
But you’re familiar
I come back to you
Nightly

You bind my chest
You ignite the air
In my heaving lungs
Each evening I fall to rest
Sleep saps my being sweetly
And I meet you in my dreams

You hurt me
But I love you
You teach me
And I seek you

Without you
I am not a poet
Without you I cannot learn
My pain is suffocating
But it is worth the hurt
Lost Sep 2018
I don’t know how
To stop hurting

I’ve grown so used
To the aches and stings
In my chest and my
Hip and my arm
That I start to miss
It when it’s gone

How do I move on
Without this pain?

I’ve never lived
Without it and
I miss it like an
Estranged lover
When it starts
To finally leave
Me alone

Soaring through
Dirt and soil skies

I want to die
But mostly I
Just want to
Disappear

Falling asleep
Without waking up

Do you know
How much it
Hurts to want
Something
You can never
Have?

I feel fated
To live in
The ground
Lost Feb 19
There’s a band in the center of my chest
There’s a wailing guitar solo wavering in wheezing lungs
The bass pedal kicks to start a stagnant heart
Chords of keys claim keening insides
There’s a song playing in my organs that keeps me up at night
Come hold me tight and pacify me of the perpetual plague
This persistent expression of pain playing in my chest
Vivisect my veins and see volumes of viscous music spill into the air
And then you’ll hear the howls I hear in the empty night
When I cry alone
Lost Jan 20
I like being wrapped in blankets
And hiding in small spaces
I think it makes me feel more secure

I trash my living spaces and fill them up
It’s like the presence of empty space
Represents the uncertainty in my life
So I eliminate any openness
To ensure that anxiety can’t hide
Behind furniture or under the bed

I occupy my space with a protective layer
Of garbage and disorganization

It’s not on purpose

I don’t like it

The clutter of my room or my car
Often reflects the clutter in my mind

I think I do it
So I can feel
Hidden and safe
Lost Dec 2018
I thought I’d be dead by now,
But my organs are rebellious—
They thrive and throb and thrash around.
Even if I hold my breath until I pass out,
My lungs will eventually force air in
Through my gasping mouth.
Lost Dec 2018
Popping prescriptions
Every morning I open my eyes
And see that I’m still here
Hoping something will change
With each tablet and capsule
Swallowed down into my guts
Swimming around in stomach acid
Dissolving into my bloodstream
Trying to slap a bandaid
On my broken biology
Lost Feb 17
this moment suspended in time
observed closely
through the lens
of my perspective
becomes a thoughtful synopsis
an autobiographical excerpt
that encapsulates a bigger whole
This is an old poem from my notes that I just found and lightly reworked. Enjoy
Lost Feb 8
I’ve checked in
For the first time
In my life

I expected that
Having a plan
Would make me feel
Like I’ve figured
Things out

But I’ll be ******
If I didn’t end up
Feeling the exact
Same way

I guess that when
You go to bed alone
The way you feel
Doesn’t really change
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